Coming Back to Read

 I find it interesting when something comes back again into your life. This thing was a book. I was interested in reading it but somehow it felt difficult; there was a lot of written detail, and perhaps my situation at the time felt a bit too similar to the author's intense, painful and suffering experiences. I had attempted to read this book a couple times hearing from my dear sister's personal experience of how great and insightful it was. I checked it out once again from the library, and once again returned it without the accomplished feeling of finishing a book. 

When I was feeling burnt out and then got sick, I was able to rest more. The idea came to me of looking through some notes and quotes I had typed up. I came to read some notes I had taken from this book and how beautiful and true they were, what great and amazing reminders especially when I felt unstimulated, bored and somewhat spiritually dry. This book I now had a copy of, since it came to me when one of my sisters gave us some of her mother-in-law's books. I saw this book and immediately took it, knowing full well that I wanted to attempt to try to read it once again! So now I had this book, and delved into it, feeling inspired and encouraged. If I could just get further than the last time I tried to read it, and maybe it would be easier to read overall. 

I finally read and finished this book yesterday! It was so good, so awe inspiring, and spiritually enriching in what he had to go through in his many years of solitary confinement, hard labor, severe conditions, discouragement, suffering and misunderstandings. An amazing story, and now I want to read his next book. So much good to look to in his story, his witness and testimony. My sufferings are mere nothingness compared to what he had to endure. I'm so glad I had it in my hands and finished it. 

Connecting There

 

It was a warm, crisp late afternoon driving to meetup with an old acquaintance who had semi-recently moved back to the area. Memories came back to me of driving similar roads during my undergrad, and of one stark memory of a wet and pouring rainy day to a job interview in that city. A few years have passed since then and parts of them I am grateful for, keep close to my heart and some feels just like a blur of challenges and isolation. It was so good to meet up with this contact, whom I haven't seen for nearly 10 years! Life has unfolded continually; a new layer being uncovered like a sweet onion. There was so much to catch up about. 

Meeting at Starbucks was a good place to start, with our sweet drinks, the sun was strongly glowing in the background outside, until the air released its chill, so we decided to head inside. Our personal journeys and stories have some overlap, and just where we are at, there was a lot of comfort and consolation in that as well. We are both pursuing higher education and that in itself has its own understandings, demands, discernments, adjustments as well as growth. I felt so inspired. It's a rarity that I connect with someone and meet up with them on a weeknight. It felt like life was giving me a big hug after the very raw, intense, lonely and independent time in my undergrad. 

As I was driving back home, with the city lights, hills facing the downhill slope; I took the same road for 3 years commuting from school and back, I could feel the growth, and experiences all come together. If I could tell myself 5 or 6 years ago, it would be what I was feeling in that moment coming back home. Suddenly, my experiences didn't feel like nothing, or just an end in themselves. I felt stronger, more reassured and even blessed with all those hard and beautiful moments come into realizations. I would tell myself again and again, 'you are not alone. And your experiences are not just for you but to share and connect with others. Nothing is wasted.' 

3 St. Josephs

 

St. Joseph of Arimathea's feast day's today. I know it's also St. Patrick's Day but finding out my patron saint of the year shared a feast day with St Patrick was cool, and an easy way to remember. I love this photo. It depicts Good Friday and after Jesus died and taking him down from the cross. It also shows other people there, and one of them is St. Joseph of Arimathea I believe in the gold robe, near Jesus' feet. All we really know about him is that he was a private follower of Jesus, and he led for Jesus to be taken down from the cross and buried in an unknown, empty tomb. I love this image so much; I have made it as my computer's screen saver. 

I have often thought of St. Joseph being close by Jesus' side after the crucifixion. Although he wasn't present until later, he still showed his loyalty, service, devotedness, and sacredness to our Lord on that Good Friday. When I look at a crucifix, and see Jesus' feet nailed, I think of this St. Joseph who took him down from the cross. I think of the beautiful imagery of putting everything at the foot of the cross. 

St. Joseph of Arimathea gives me an example to live by, by staying close to Jesus even in the dark, challenging and unknown times. To specifically honor and love the cross, because that is where Jesus is closest. He has also shown me to love and honor and respect Jesus more by carefully taking him down from the cross, handing him to Our Lady to hold after his heart wrenching death, and then to place him neatly, delicately, lovingly in a tomb. 

St. Joseph of Arimathea isn't the only Joseph that I have a love and devotion for. St. Joseph, the father of Jesus is of course a high favorite. And whose feast day is just days after. I also really love the witness of Fr. Joseph who was an Opus Dei priest to first spread the work and its mission sent by the founder, St. Josemaria. I really was compelled by his story, and most especially his faith, trust and obedience. Great holy men and examples, 3 St. Josephs!

A Gift to God

 "Give God your nothingness." This was what I heard when I listened to a new favorite podcast from Edward Sri. He was talking about St. Therese of Lisieux and her spirituality. When she wasn't feeling consolations or warm feelings in her prayer, she would thank God for that. He says that St. Therese wanted to unite herself more to Jesus in her 'nothingness' when she didn't feel anything spectacular in her life, in her spiritual life, she would give it to him. St. Mother Theresa said the same, as she had many years dry and dark night of the soul, emulating St. Therese to give it to God and don't let it go to waste, since it is a gift. 

I hadn't fully heard of that before, as a gift, or even as a way to thank God for that. I understood to give God your wounds, loneliness, or just the hard parts or mundane of how our days can feel sometimes. But to give God our nothingness and continue to unite ourselves with Him was a bit of a new concept in the spiritual life. I was feeling that nothingness recently, even yesterday. After feeling sick and a fever lingering, I felt like I didn't have much to give, not enough inspiration (again) or energy, or variety for that matter. 

Resting was good, but I wanted to get better and be more productive and live a bit more normal routine again. I was starting to appreciate all that I do have, in my schedule and the variety, even if simply driving somewhere, going for a walk, or praying in the church, how much I missed these simple, daily, yet treasured things!

Listening to Edward Sri's podcast was what I needed to hear in those moments and see the ordinary as spiritual opportunities. To think about things differently. Even if I still had fever like symptoms, I could see the hard parts of being sick, low energy, being more confined, and not fully feeling like myself as a sacrifice and way to unite more closely to the cross and to give God this nothingness. There was beauty in that, and how much I can learn from these saints.

International Women's Day

 A year ago, I was working alone, waiting for some students to return and teachers back to a new normal. I would try desperately to keep inspired on the daily by writing in the notebook I would bring to take notes, but also jot down things for myself...books to read, quotes to remember and saints to recall to. Yesterday was International Women's Day and somehow, I always remember and particularly like this national holiday.

 In that notebook, I had written some wonderful quotes from a book regarding St. Edith Stein. One of them is, "The deepest longing of woman's heart is to give herself lovingly, to belong to another, and to possess this other being completely. This longing is revealed in her outlook, personal and all embracing, which appears to us as specifically feminine." This also relates to a favorite speaker on called Relevant Radio, Trending with Timmerie. She spoke about women's role in the home, society, and our natural gifts and purposes in life as well as some of our weaknesses. 

"Edith sees women as natural contemplatives in the world because they have a knack for blending attentiveness to concrete tasks with a capacity for cultivating silence and peace. She notes that women frequently yearn for an integral life in which their spiritual, intellectual, emotional and practical concerns merge and they can connect their faith to everyday tasks." 

The author of this book "My Sisters the Saints" by Colleen Caroll Campbell has a beautiful way with words and describing her seasons of life as woman, vocations and what God was calling her to in each season. "I marveled at how stealthily God works in the soul, one day and one trial at a time. He softens your edges so slowly and subtly that you can fail to notice how far you have come until you have moved on to the next problem. I wondered what other changes God might be working in my soul now, even as I saw no outward signs of progress at all." 

Last year, I celebrated International Women's Day by going to my longtime favorite library. It had been a long while, and it felt nice and refreshing to go back. Though with COVID, there were no places to sit, walking around for 45 mins and browsing was almost just as good. It's important to seek and find that wellness inside of you. My sweet sister has a picture that says, 'joy is a deep sense of wellness' or maybe it was the other way around? I find that to be true, especially now as these days feel long, somewhat hard and counting down the time. What happened to the inspiration, the wellness? Why does it take a few hours to get back on track again, and let things sift more normally? 

God made us to be joyful, to be well and to serve Him and others. As my sister has said before when she was going through a hard time, "If I'm not well, nothing else matters." I think I may still be processing a lot and wondering what's next? Where is God leading? And just learning to trust, but also to embrace this time. Every season is so different from another. Things that are coming up- Ali's Bridal Shower, High school Play, praying at 40 days, gardening, quality time with my dear sister again and seeing new nephew again:), more books to keep me motivated and inspired, language learning, Library Science program and other things. 

It's a day-by-day kind of thing. A blog I forgot about, but I do enjoy, I was reading through some of his more recent posts yesterday. His main focus on his blog is happiness, creativity, innovation, and his posts were helpful and dare I say again, inspiring! So Happy International Women's Day, a good reminder to continue seeking God's purpose and plan, and also to unite all things international and find that joy and wellness. 

Lovely plants, on way to Starbucks

Inspiration Flowing

 I have been feeling a semi lack of creativity this past week. It's a weird feeling, not the best but something lingers there for me to improve it, to figure it out. I can look back at the past in some ways and have seen other times where in hindsight perspective it was an inspiring and fruitful time actually. However, the moments weren't very much so. Why is that? Perhaps I have learned, grown and been stretched in seasons passed that allowed me to enhance further in my capabilities of bestowing creativity and inspiration for myself in a flowing like manner. 

I reread an older blog post of mine from 3 years ago and some of it I forgot I wrote. (The joy of blogging!) Looking back however, it was inspiring. It was a really hard time navigating my new job, and full-time schedule but somehow the creativity could still flow from that pain and suffering. I was still able to write, decorate t-shirts, go on runs and listen to music, pray and go to Mass and read. There was fruit from that time. 

It can be easy to be blind to the graces, the fruits that are being born in each season. It's usually in hindsight that we see that growth, the buds blooming and the virtues and graces flowing. Often throughout the week, I enjoy looking at the Blessed is She website. It's an online community for Catholic like-minded woman in various stages and vocations of life, all to live out the Catholic faith and lead inspiring and beautiful lives of virtue. BIS helps me when I feel dry inside or a lack of virtue in myself or in my pathways. It helps me to not forget my purpose and what God has in store. It also assists when the inspiration tank is running low.

Creativity is a gift from God, who is the source and giver of life. He is the ultimate creator and very creative. I can be connected with God in this way when I am 'feeling low' on energy and ask for the gift of inspiration and creativity. Maybe it's trying out something new, or perhaps changing up my schedule and routine a little. Or maybe its cultivating more silence and time for prayer this Lent and seeing the need for change, virtue and growth to develop on the regular. And to not always be looking for the fulfilling, awe inspiring moments in life. 

The Mass is the most awe-inspiring event, prayer and dare I say, most creative-where the bread and wine are truly turned into Jesus' sacred body and blood. To be united in this way and present is truly a gift and a grace. And to be united in the sacrament is truly a gift in itself. May this Lenten journey be one of creativity and inspiration that flows into our spiritual life, and our Lenten sacrifices. May God's grace flow and the Holy Spirit guide us on our journey. 

Hidden Blessings

 It felt like a busy week, at times more so due to being in my head. It often felt like a lot of rushing around and hard to fully sit, appreciate, and soak it all in, the present moment I mean. Ash Wednesday Mass was very nice, packed full, and a great reminder on how to start and live out this liturgical season. I had ashes on my head all day and some students asked about it and it was an opportunity to mention I'm Catholic and what the black dust on my forehead actually was. It first felt a little embarrassing, but then I became proud and encouraged to be a witness and share my faith in this way. 

Getting up early for Mass was difficult somedays, it was dark, cloudy on some. Or I just felt a bit tired or burnout from the week, again that stillness and presence of God, inspiration felt it was waning on some days. On some I felt more jovial, full of spirit, others I was dragging myself interiorly to pull through and get through the hours. Putting off assignments I could do later for my classes, wanting more time for reading, introspection, reflection. I was feeling like I needed a break from something, from a busyness mentality and just rest. Oh, so many blessings and graces that can be easily forgotten, not noticed or not appreciated.

Silence helps with this. It helps with being present, staying focused, prayer, attention, gratitude. It clears my mind like a spring well and creates pieces of open opportunity, innovation and inspiration. Not feeling the need for so much screen time, external noise. Gentle music when I read or wind down like a soft breeze. My mom and dad always listening to me talk, share about my day. Laugh with them, share things with them and gain help and advice from them. I share friendship and trust with them, such gifts. I was especially comforted and supported after a rough day yesterday.

Swimming with my mom and feeling pretty good in terms of shape. The water was cooler, we were able to share a lane again. I realized how much I enjoy running, with all of its variety.  Adoration, always peaceful, putting forth all concerns, worries, uncertainties at the Lord's feet. He knows. He understands. The best friend, always encouraging and loving. Messages from my sisters, always so good and enjoyable to hear from, easily makes my day. 

What a week! It can easily feel like a blur, but noticing the pieces, the little moments make it beautiful. Now I can rest. 

A Cacti Full of Contrasts

 Rain came down. Then hail. It was stuck to my running jacket like cotton balls, ice, chill, winter. Such a contrast from this weekend in Arizona. Heat, intense, summer. Glowing sun, dry desert terrain, cacti rooted in the ground, orange rock formations plastered against the saturated blue sky.

 It was a whirlwind, busy weekend. Something I've never experienced, the fast-paced plans, the night life, the social, talking and groups. A fancy, trendy time, an extroverted experience, an exciting time, an exhausting time. Introvert by nature acting like an extrovert, changing, a new excursion, reality, adventure. It brought me realization to my simplicity, to my faith, to my quietness, decisiveness, particularness, homebody self. 

My music made me feel like myself, imagining running on my favorite, familiar streets at home, melting away into my inspiration, rejuvenation that I desperately needed and craved. Writing my thoughts like prayers and like talking to myself, freed my mind like a caged bird while sitting up on my bed in the room. Talking to my sister, sharing our common thoughts and opinions were like gold. Bonding time, quality time, laughter, understanding, companionship, friendship. I am grateful. I am blessed.

Thinking about my singleness and God's plans. At times it was forefront, sometimes even comparison or a lack of hope, so much uncertainty at times. The Mass in Tempe was so beautiful, so restful and full of inspiration and spiritual. Reminded me of God's presence, reminded me of home, a cherished faith, a centered and joyful life. So many graces and blessings.

Spilling thoughts on the page. Regaining where I'm at, and what's in front of me. Cherishing this special time, holding my cat like a baby. Unpacking, thoughts wandering from the weekend. Some things feel like a blur. I feel proud to experience it all, gain perspective, learn more and see a new place full of beauty and adventure. Busy and somewhat stressed with schoolwork and assignments, catching up with student life, feeling committed and determined. 

Work tomorrow, and back to regular life. Tired of Lyft rides, group settings and loud noises. Grateful for fun times, memorable and funny times and taking it all with me to learn and appreciate from. Travel makes you feel different sometimes, opens your mind, shifts and grows something inside. Grateful for open time, freedom and space to read, process, write, pray and continue on this journey and see what's ahead!

Remembering Treasures

 

I was looking back on old emails this week. Sometimes I like to do that, to remember the past in different ways, through writing, from family memories, from fun, inspiring, funny threads between sisters. It shows the different and various seasons of our lives. It shows me where I was or experiencing, as well as my siblings, my family, as well as other events taking place. 

I especially have been enjoying looking back on certain years within these email threads. It's a sneak peek into that time, a time that was unique, so special and grace filled. They bring back a taste of memories for me, that are sweet, full of some newness, growing, learning and inspiration. I have particularly been looking and reading back on 2014. 

Spring, Summer 2014 had its own experiences, feelings and precious and quality times with my sisters. Maybe perhaps that's one of the reasons why I enjoy looking back? I haven't so much focused on my own story on that time, but most specifically my dear sister. Perhaps I think about her journey, her questioning, her discernment during that time. Isn't that what our 20's are mostly about? I find that she was discovering more about herself, actively pursuing what God was showing her day by day, and I had the privilege of watching it all- the rawness and difficult parts, uncertainty, her faithful witness and patient heart for God's plans to unfold.

 I look to her journey, her story, particularly during that unique time as a model for me, a profound and uplifting example! How blessed I am to have so many beautiful examples before me- sisters, siblings to showcase their journeys. 

This picture was from May 2014 in Santa Cruz. It was Memorial Day weekend, and it was her idea for my parents, our sister Susie and us to go to a relaxing place for the weekend! (She's always full of good, dreamy ideas:)). Though there was a long, never-ending string of traffic to get there, we made the best of it with conversation and fun music playing in the car. It was something new for us to do- a getaway trip for us on a holiday weekend. Those were the days when I would always wear leggings with shorts haha, and those sandals were my constant companion, and jewelry, even on a beach.

It was the cusp of summer, with much anticipation. I was graduating from Junior College and looking forward to what was ahead. I was getting more into and inspired with language learning (Chinese) and learning on my own. Library Science was something I was thinking about, preparing for as an option. Pinterest was a way to share ideas and inspiration among us sisters.  My dear sister and I would often find the inspiration seep through in our outings to coffee shops and study our languages with one another and chat, and just enjoy the elements of coffee brewing and light music playing in the background. We still enjoy and treasure our Starbucks outings. :)

I would be remiss not mentioning her wonderful, fun idea to host our first rosary bonfire night at our house. We put out an invitation on Facebook inviting friends and acquaintances. She got creative with the set up outside, and baking a chocolate cake, providing lemonade drinks, and her idea making our backyard inviting, and esthetically pleasing. That was the lead up to my sweet sister Susie and I taking after that initial bonfire gathering and doing the same for ministry events a few years later. 

These emails, memories give me a sense of encouragement, hope from those treasured days with sisters, laughs, growing up, fun outings and ideas. A lot of ideas, simple inspiration came through these emails. I can look back and think my dear sister was trying to see the good, find the positive and inspiring things even when it was hard and difficult, a quality I love!

We both went on dates around that time. I had a guy who liked me from my volleyball class, and she went on a date with a guy from a catholic group that Spring as well. We both left feeling not very impressed or interested. I was always impressed by her standards and the certain qualities she was looking for in a catholic man. I enjoyed helping her with some ideas to wear and matching and mixing wardrobes- always fun and appreciated with sisters. 

So many good, uplifting memories from this time that my mind seems to go back to. Now that I don't have sisters living with me, I can only smile of the treasured times that I go back to, in gratitude, and in learning. xoxo

 

Into His Hands, Into His Heart

 "He don't love you like I love you. Don't think about you like I think about you...But I will treasure you. If you give me a chance, I will make you smile and give you a love that's true." 

These lyrics are from an old, favorite song by Daniel Bedingfield. I listened to this song again today after Mass and on my way to work.  The lyrics brought me to how God sees me, sees us. He wants to be loved by us and to give Him everything. He has so many blessings and graces to give us. And this song makes me think of that in its own way, a love that God has for us. 

That's what I feel like during prayer, at Mass, adoration, to keep on giving Him everything. Things I like, and things I don't. Crosses, unknowns, fears, doubts, impatience, sins, weaknesses. Even the good, the graces, the laughter. To give Him the boredom, give Him the loneliness. 

Sometimes I think and pray, that's all I have to give you Jesus, my tiredness and the boredom, monotony I experienced today. I give it to you because you can make it what you will and turn it into good. You want everything. 

So, starting out this this morning I prayed, you will show me the way Lord, like you always do. Keep me close to you, present to you during whatever happens today, and amidst the dryness or unexciting parts of today. You are still there. 

How encouraging those words and thoughts felt, to help me keep on going. The little moments and ordinary are filled with graces. Here are some lovely and beautiful quotes from a blog I enjoy reading.

"By putting things in God's hands, those little things that we do every day, things that seem to be like a waste of time...those things in God's hands take on a sense of eternity." ~Maria Paula Blog

"In God nothing is temporary, everything remains, everything counts, everything gains value." ~Maria Paula Blog

"Knowing that God is waiting for me at the tabernacle. And He, who can do anything He wants just by wishing it, counts on me to carry out His plans." ~Maria Paula blog

"Take a chance and give your heart to me." -Daniel Bedingfield song

Library Wonder, Heart Questing

 Its February, and many things are coming to my mind. It's the exciting arrival of another nephew, and my God son in just a few short days! February is loading up with more birthdays, and it's the month of hearts. I can't help but remember dear Ignacio's heart condition being diagnosed almost 2 years ago. 

I came across thinking of 2 years ago of really wondering, contemplating, what would be ahead for me? And what should I pursue? What route should I take? February was when I was searching more of what my true calling would be, and I felt a deep yearning for that next step, but what felt like a big question mark and a blank slate. There were very real and deep desires on my heart for my vocation, just so much was happening in what felt like all at once! 

February 2020, how raw some days felt, and so much unknown and growing pains. I even wrote about it on here, it was hard. I find it so interesting, since I would ask those who knew me well, what should I do? What did they see me doing or be good at? I asked my mom these questions, and she immediately answered, a librarian. For some reason, I almost felt appalled, surprised. Really? Me? I didn't feel the least bit enthused or connected to the possibility.

 I searched it up online (nearly forgetting that this had been one of my plans for post grad right before transferring to University) and saw that there was only an online program with the closest University- SJSU's program. There weren't too many programs unless it was further out or out of state. 

I closed that door immediately and thought that's not going to happen. I was saying and thinking, 'I don't want to do that, I love working with students. Being a librarian, you're not working with students.' Looking back, I find it funny because I'm in my 2nd year of the program now, (the one I had looked up and decided I wasn't interested) And I can say with certainty, I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't ready to be in that place of commitment or to really see that it would be something that I would find interesting, meaningful; something that I'm good and passionate about. 

For me, I was too closed to see what was ahead. I needed more growing, learning, detachment in order to fully know and see clearly. God was still preparing me, and it took long stretches of time, patience throughout the pandemic to keep on questioning, praying and praying and seeing what would happen. Months would go by, and I forgot all about that program. It didn't come up again until my sisters brought it up that Fall. 

 It would take several months to fully be convinced and see it for myself and commit to this program, this passion, and delve into it all. There would be many ideas in between. All of them soon fell flat and never seemed fulfilling or like the path for me. In some ways, I would never have guessed it for myself, but in others, it really feels like it fits like a glove. Sometimes, what you're looking for happens to be right in front of you. I'm grateful for this journey!