A Year Ago

It was a make-up and hair day trial for my sister who would be getting married in the summer. That December day was cold, dreary and wet with some rain. But it was a bright light to be with sisters and officially be on break, ready for Christmas. Going to my sister's house was cozy and vibrant, as she made us lunch- panini sandwiches and salad. Also viewing her Christmas cards from contacts and friends. 

 A year ago, I can remember almost perfectly well and how I was feeling. I had just started my Christmas break and was very ready to have a change of pace and scenery. There was so much in my heart- thinking about and greatly desiring some experience and exposure in libraries. The final days of work where I had so much open time, I was exploring options for my break and into the new year. It felt like my heart was on fire. It was a hard, monotonous and deep semester. 

Most days I remember I felt like I was just trudging along. And part of me was nervous for what was ahead in the new year- wedding talk, bachelorette party and just surrounded with all the festivities at times I knew would feel overwhelmed and like salt in the wound, and I knew that since I had already experienced that. My prayer often was for the grace to handle it well, the strength for it all when it felt too much. And to keep praying for my siblings who were engaged and continue to be supportive and happy for them. 

Elisabeth did her hair, I did her make- up and just experimenting. I love putting on foundation, blush/bronzer and doing eyes with eyeshadow and mascara. I realized I always loved doing make-up on myself and others, though I didn't have too much experience. I had to practice more since my sister, and I have very different features and I get so used to doing my own. I think it started back in high school experimenting with make-up and enjoying it since it was like a creative art form. 

That day had many elements and mixes for me personally. Of course, there was wedding talk, and about other people we knew of who were getting married. I found so much comfort and inspiration from someone we knew of who was also into make-up and had gotten married in her mid-thirties. I felt our personalities were similar and thinking of her was a consolation for me when it was hard. 

We went to CVS to buy some more make-up and browsing the store for fun items. It was just like old sister times shopping and having time together. Elisabeth was very pregnant, just less than 2 months until her baby boy was here! 2022 felt like many events and celebrations coming up. 

On the way home, I was driving in the dark. I don't remember if it was raining or not still, but I saw a car crash that made for a lot of traffic. It was tragic to see an accident on the roadways right before Christmas time. I was also praying the 54-day rosary novena and the 54th day was on December 24th. I couldn't quit now so I continued to pray it in the car on the drive home. I was proud I had committed to it this far. 

Once I got home, my brother and his fiancé were there eating dinner. It was an interesting feeling- not having much time to process much and then also talk about wedding details. She had just had her hair and makeup done for a trial and it looked really natural and beautiful. She also mentioned about us bridesmaids getting our hair and make-up done professionally for her wedding.  

I look back and see all that I was feeling, experiencing and suffering in the pain, desires and uncomfortableness, but also how much God was and still is shaping and showing me everything through the small details, the mundane, ordinary, disappointments, joys and everything in between. 

"He became small because you were small –understand how great He is, and you will become great along with Him. This is how houses are built, how the solid walls of a building are raised. The stones brought to construct the building increase, you, too, increase, understanding how great Christ is and how He who appeared to be small is great, very great indeed…” Saint Augustine

“Jesus was born in cave in Bethlehem because, Sacred Scripture tells us, "There was no room for them in the inn.” I am not departing from theological truth when I say that Jesus is still looking for shelter in your heart.” // Saint Josemaria Escrivá

“If we would please this Divine Infant, we too must become children, simple and humble. We must carry to Him, flowers of virtue, of meekness, of mortification, of charity. We must clasp Him in the arms of our love.” Saint Alphonsus Liguori

Shining in Darkness

 Driving this morning to Mass it was all foggy and dark. There was a bleakness that only the light from my car's headlights could penetrate. How much more so with God's light, His grace and mercy with the anticipation of His birth, of His coming into the world. To make our world a place of peace and order and structure our weary and sinful hearts. We have so much to be thankful for and look forward to. 

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone." -Isaiah 9:2

I also think of the divine mercy image, Jesus, I trust in you. He is walking in darkness, but he is filled with light from his skin to his glowing, white garment, to his sacred heart bursting forth with blood and water. 

Droplets of God's Grace

Rain being drenched on a rose. 

Those droplets reminded me of God's grace. And I was the flower, the rose- practically wilting in my frustration, discouragements and impatience. I thought it was a compelling, beautiful vision of God's grace surrounding us like a rose on a wet, rainy day.

How much I needed that consolation on a day where my hope felt nearly thread bare, and I missed the everyday and ordinary regular living so much. You don't realize all the blessings you have until you are taken out of them, and you have a new perspective.

I was trying to put things into perspective too. There were still so many things that were good and 'not wrong'. I could walk, I wasn't in pain, I could breathe, think, see beautiful nature around me. I have my faith, my family, food, shelter, etc... This helped in its own way and gave me a new appreciation.

I was literally drenched from the rain. But I loved it. It made me feel so alive and filled with fun and vigor when I was couped up for a week in a half. I needed to do something, something different! I love running in the rain on most days, and it was an amazing feeling to just be outside after not being able to do so for a while. 

I thought of putting myself in others' shoes- who are going through way worse and painful scenarios. I thought maybe there's some way that I could help them, volunteer, or just pray. Yesterday evening, a video just popped inside my head. I felt compelled to watch it. It was well known Catholic speaker Matt Fradd interviewing his wife Cameron Fradd on her chronic pain. I didn't know anything about his wife and had only briefly heard her name. I then realized I had heard her speak before on the saint summit my sister and I watched last year. She did a video about St. Maria Goretti- my confirmation saint! 

When I heard her speak again, I was captivated by all she had to say and share about her heavy cross of living with chronic pain. Her spirit, her personality, her wisdom and faith were so compelling and beautiful. Clearly, this woman knew what it means to suffer, and experience deep, excruciating pain because of her illness. But it doesn't define her. 

I was so encouraged and inspired, someone who experiences pain and suffering on a regular, daily basis and sharing their journey of diagnosis. My time being sick and just waiting to feel better and go back to normal has been hard- but barely anything to what this woman has had to go through. Perhaps the Holy Spirit guided and inspired me to watch this video that puts things into a new perspective, a new light. 

"God is within her, she will not fall." - Psalm 46:5

Hair Story

 

A picture of long hair style I've had over the years. It looks knotted, a bit messy, and growing long but those were some of the things that I missed when I had shorter hair (besides the knots)- to actually do something with it.

This picture was taken nearly 9 years ago. It was an unconscious effort to grow out my hair. (It would be almost a year until I would chop it off for donating). But I think I enjoy longer hair because I think it looks better on me, and I feel like myself. 

I never felt that way, until last year I could really sense the lack, if you will, of longer hair that I took for granted. I was so ready and tired of my long hair but then instantly missed it when it was cut (much shorter than I wanted by the way). And knew it would take quite a while to grow back. 

Last year, I was really conscious of how fast, or rather how slow my hair was growing. It felt like each month, it had barely grown much. (I know, a bit excessive concentration). But this year, I have barely 'kept count' of the growth, or how long it is. Maybe because I already recognize it is longer and I'm not as focused or concerned. I like the length I have much better- though it's taken about a year in a half to get it to this length!

 I think I will need to get a trim soon. But for now, when I actually focus on my hair, it feels nice to have it longer and know it will continue to grow!

Scriptural Verse Reminder

 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened." -Matthew 7:7-8

This was the verse of the day from yesterday. It touched me because I love this scriptural verse and I 'put it as my theme' since my birthday this year. It also touched me because this week has been rather hard and challenging. 

With being sick from Covid and not knowing when I will officially get better and receive a negative test result has really tested my patience. It's been so hard to not have a regular schedule and with missing work, it really has put things into perspective. 

So, this scriptural verse reminded me of how I am feeling and to continue to trust, but also ask for the grace and keeping persisting for that negative test result and full recovery. 

And this verse showed up in many ways too. A year ago (on Dec. 1st), I wrote in my notebook about this verse and the deep meaning for me at that time. It was also related to a talk I watched from a priest using this same scriptural verse last year.

And before I went to bed last night, I was reading through the Advent devotional. At the end of the text, this same bible verse came up and I thought God has really been trying to teach me something!

Black Friday

 Working my first black Friday shift 11 years ago. It was very long, 10-6 pm as I remember. My sister Elisabeth worked at the same store but from 3am-11am, insane!! I had never worked on Black Friday in my life, but my sister was a pro. Luckily, I didn't have to wake up super early, but I did have to go to bed earlier on Thanksgiving night which was hard to do. 

I had no idea what I was doing. I was excited to actually land a job but my 1st day on Black Friday, it was a little overwhelming. Many people were also hired, so I wasn't entirely alone. There was even 1 girl who was working there who was in my history class at the time, and we both had this look on our faces of like, 'woah, I know you!'

I was walking and standing all day in my black flats and what felt like the verge of blisters. I was trying to look busy with organizing or pitting clothes back from racks, but I realized I didn't know where a lot of things went. I also began to realize that retail wasn't really my thing. That day I was literally just thrown into it.

And never a good sign when you get a notice from your boss that you're not wearing the 'right thing' in terms of dress code. I thought I was- I pulled out my purple shirt since it was from that store. But I guess it didn't work because it wasn't a current piece. Lol

I learned a lot that day. And I am proud of myself for sticking it out and doing something different out of my comfort zone. 

The Great Gatsby

 Reading the Great Gatsby again reminds me of my old blog, and the early days of college when I was an English major. I was really into the book and the movie had just come out in theatres. I had read the book for the first time in high school, and thought it was interesting but didn't really grasp the whole story and meaning until later.

Now working at a high school, if I'm in a junior English class (which I love) I will read this book once again- which they are currently reading. It brings back memories of reading it and loving it on my own a number of years ago. And 2 years ago, I was in a Junior English class also and got more from the book and the plot. I feel each time, I get a new perspective and more lessons learned from Fitgerald's classic. 

The 2013 movie adaption is a whole other layer. The book of course is more detailed, but the movie also depicts details from the book. And the cinematography, the soundtrack is a masterpiece all its own. The modern merging with the traditional has a unique, creative and original feel. 

But the story of course is well- tragic and sad, and the music follows along with the melancholy tune.

 There is so much to say- a book I've read at least 4 or 5 times. I used to think my favorite part was the time period- the Roaring 20's. But I actually really like the character development and detailed writing, and the plot, and the illusion of the American Dream all in the mix. Can it ever get old? 

Ferry Ride

 

I came across this photo while looking through old emails. So much has happened and changed since then. We were on a ferry going to SF with my mom and sisters. It was mid-June, but more like June gloom- typical of SF weather. The year was 2013. That was the time when I wore shorts with tights, did too much shopping at Goodwill and was still growing my hair out to eventually donate. 

I was in the middle- nearing the end of my junior College career and thinking about universities to apply to. It was right before I was interested in studying German and right before my cousin's wedding. I was still being stringed along by a lame guy- who was neither really a friend nor my boyfriend- confusing times! I was taking 2 summer classes and had fun outings with my friend Nasira. I was also working at Kumon very part time. 

Sister photo:)

My two sisters were going through their own seasons as well, and I think it's interesting to highlight.

 My dear sister on the left was about to leave for an intensive Spanish language program in Monterey for the summer - I would miss her a lot. And my sweet sister on the right was about to head abroad to Spain as an au pair for the summer. My sisters were leaving and having their own journeys be far away again. We were going through and doing unique things, and yet our stories still collided as sisters, as friends- like that day in SF. 

Beginning Blog Writing

 About 11 years ago to the day, I created my first blog. It wasn't necessarily my own idea- my dear sister thought of it and encouraged me to start one. It was my first semester of college, and I was excited and interested in studying English and potentially majoring in it. I was just as interested in creative writing and story writing. 

So, I thought of the name (and the first name of 3 I gave it) Kingfisher Writing. I saw it as a metaphor for 'gliding' through writing with ease- no struggle or stress involved. It was an attempt to share what I know, give advice if you will. But looking back, mostly it was for me to share, be creative and have an outlet, a space for my ideas and writing.

 My writing has changed since then I guess you could say. I have more varied topics and interests I believe too. So many of the things I've experienced, learned, been interested in weren't part of my life then. I was just shy of 20- I had my whole 20's ahead of me. 

I was even telling my mom today when we visited the gravesite of her parents- I would have more to talk about to my grandparents now or in the past recent years since I have developed more my interests that could also relate to theirs- cooking, reading (about different topics/subjects), college and education, etc... I wasn't immersed or fully knew all my hobbies could entail in my late teens or in high school. 

I'm glad I started that first blog years ago. It has sent me on a blog hunt ever since to continue writing and expanding my interests, content, faith and personal endeavors, thoughts and ideas. Sure, I have notebooks, but these two realms are seen as totally different and used for various methods and purposes, I have found. I never got my degree in English like I imagined, but I learned so much more along the way, and I never thought I would come back to languages as an interest (since I didn't love it in high school- but who does?) 

Ending that blog was like 'saying goodbye' since I had it for 3 years, my whole junior college experience. It felt like a whole new chapter was staying as one was closing. It was the perfect time to further my interests and see where they lead me, like studying Chinese. How will I look back on my time active and writing on this blog??

An image from my blog

A blog post below

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Real World

In life we usually don not focus on the here and now, but on the future; what may happen or what could happen. We also find our minds wandering back to the past. Though this is normal, and good for us to reflect on the past and plan for our future, it's not a good way to spend a lot of your time. Try instead to focus on the present and what is being presented to you now. In writing, it's very important to not worry if your writing is any good... it is important however to write what does come to mind without your intuition of checking for grammar, or adding a few metaphors to make your descriptions come alive. When you do this it allows your mind to be free and natural rather than scrambling for words, and taking longer to do so. Like reflecting on the future or present too much, it is a waste of time to do this while writing. To just let it go... let the past go, and hope for the future... hope for your writing to be good and to improve on your mistakes...  just like learning from your past mistakes.


I find it very useful to intertwine your real world with your writing world. This calls for the best writers, because they usually know how to describe something better, than compared to someone who had an original idea that never happened in real life. I find that my characters have similar traits to people that I know in my life, so it's easier for me to create dialogue for that character, and describe how they act based on someone I know. I've read in a book on writing that it's helpful to be aware of your surroundings, just in case you could use some of that material in your writing. Some may jot it down so they don't forget, or if you're like me, to store it in your long term memory. It's always useful to fall back on when in need of an idea, what better way than to use your own life for writing material. I've seen in "I Love Lucy" that Lucy plans to write a novel based on the people she knows, her husband and her two good friends. Also there have been other stories written that are based on someone's dream, which I find pretty interesting.
Another good tip that I try to follow with writing, is not to tell your detailed story to people. I keep my writing secret until someone actually reads it themselves. I feel that telling a detailed version of your story is not the best idea because I've experienced where  I've done so, and felt that my story wasn't very good based on others' reactions and analyzing it. As for me, when I tell people (my family) that I am writing a story, they say "another one!" The writing just keeps coming, and I encourage you to do the same.

Trusting in Christ the King

 Immersed in my schedule, routine, essentially little world or bubble- that's what it felt like recently when I went to my niece and nephew's birthday party. It was great to see family and eat good pizza and delicious birthday cake- but something felt a little unsettling. Maybe it was the busy, loud environment, or the transition from one environment (and transitions I'm not normally good at with groups.) to another. 

I can feel so caught up in my own thing- and with a big family, and so much going on and taking place, it's easy to feel a sense of isolation- how do I, how do we fit into each other's lives when it all looks so different? I no longer share similar stories with my siblings and no longer living at home together, so perhaps that's the distance it can feel.

It could also be that I'm in this phase of figuring things out, 'transitioning' in my mind about what the future will hold, the last remainder for my MLIS program and how thing will look like, appears daunting to me. I guess just the unknown can make me fearful and not necessarily like I'm not excited, but it can feel like a blank slate that I can't relate to. 

I'm very much in the present, so it's hard to fully prepare and envision what things will look like. I just don't know. And that's okay, and it tells me that I need to continue to give it to God and trust. As the verse says, 'There is no fear in love.' (1 John 4:18) And why should I worry, be fearful or have any of those feeling that don't come from God? 

Today is a perfect feast day, a wonderful and beautiful reminder of God's power and provision- Jesus Christ our savior and King- Christ the King. I love this solemnity, this time of year- right before the end of this liturgical year and on to a new one, right before the start of Advent (one of my favorite liturgical seasons.) 

There is so much beauty, peace, stillness, joy and treasure to behold with the coming and anticipation of baby Jesus entering into the world. How much I need this reassurance, this reminder when times feel more challenging and harder, suffering simply because I'm not trusting or not look at the right place. 

One of my favorite images of Christ the King

A Break

 This is the time of year. The time of year for reflection, slowing down, giving thanks, preparing and staying present. Veterans day feels like a milestone in the school year. I remember the feeling well last year, feeling so burnt out and ready for a change of pace, scenery and some needed inspiration. I felt similar this time around- mentally drained, almost like a heavy fog. It's been hard to catch up, only with the time of slowness, attentiveness to the present, silence can really help.

Yesterday on the way to work, I realized the sheer value of silence. To pray the rosary, but then to just think, and observe of the details and beauty around me like the vibrant orange leaves, and other things that can be easily taken for granted. I realized the peace that came around me from just being still, being present. How refreshing! 

Today, going to Half Moon Bay and just being immersed in the beautiful scenery, being near water, fresh, cool air and being in a quaint and slower paced area. These little things can bring about change- change for refreshment, reflection and relaxation. How much I want and need to process more through writing, reading, and most importantly prayer and continue to prepare for the upcoming season- Advent and Christmas!