Early Morning Mass

 Going to early morning Mass makes me think about work. That routine of waking up early, getting ready for the day, having breakfast, and trying to get to daily Mass on time all hold special memories. They were busy times, but precious and beautiful of making mass a part of my day, first thing in the morning before the workday officially began, and the sun rose in the sky. 

I recall entering into Mass and prayer in need of all the graces I felt I needed for the day ahead- the little or big annoyances, the struggles, the draining and tiring parts, feeling outgrown or not knowing what's next, feeling misunderstood, and the constant noise to name a few. 

I would often look to the statue of the Holy Family for prayers and guidance. And especially to St. Joseph for guidance and support with job discerning and questioning. And to the Sacred Heart of Jesus image, knowing he would provide all the graces I needed for another day/week of work that at times felt hard, draining and monotonous.

 I was always pleasantly surprised and grateful He came through and gave me the exact graces I needed to pull through and the joy to continue. It always felt in abundance.

This new season will look different. A different feel and schedule as well as scenery, no longer at the same job that once was. However, faith and graces remain the same, and reminding myself of what God has done in the past is helpful for the present. 

It was a distinctive time, a time of surrendering and trusting, and holding onto the faith at what times felt like thin rope or the same old same old, desperately trying to capture a source of inspiration and consolation. However, the light has kept on shining- through the stain glass windows in the church just as He does in our hearts and in our lives amidst the unknown and uncertainty. I continue to walk with faith and trust. 

Overflowing

 I was standing in the aisle where I usually am, amidst the stack of books. I needed a breath, or two. I needed time to reflect, to pause on what just happened. It was a good feeling, and I instantly felt flooded with a deep peace, and a stirring of joy. I still couldn't believe it. I was thanking God in my heart, full of awe and gratitude. 

I have at times felt like I was going in circles. And that sinking feeling that nothing is working out, everything seeming nearly impossible, super competitive and hard to get. The many, many months, endless it seemed, of searching, thinking, and praying. Rather, it had been nearly 2 years since my mind has been focused tediously, worried and, questioning about this. But that day, all those fears, and unknowns faded away, disappeared rather, because I finally landed an internship for my program! 

 Slowly, ever so slowly, God was lifting my hands and ungrasping them, as tight as they were. I had and was grasping tightly, to be in control, to make things happen, to make waves. But it still didn't seem good enough. 

I remember talking to my sister on the phone, and declaring how hard and competitive it was to gain experience. There was no comparison with the teaching field, I declared. This was something else, harder almost and more niche. But I recalled a beautiful saying/demeanor from one of my favorite speakers and youtubers, that this was God's. It belonged all to Him, what He wanted me to do with it, how He would be using me, and ultimately His plan with my Masters program and gaining experience. I was trying to surrender and remember that this wasn't of my doing, but His, as I was saying to her over the phone. And somehow, someway, he would show me what He wants me to do, and where to go. 

Before my interview, I didn't feel nervous at all, and didn't think much of it, but just to go through with the interview. I vividly recalled a scene from the Gospel, and as depicted in The Chosen, when Simon and the disciples are out fishing all night, with nothing to show for, no fish have been caught in their nets. They are deeply discouraged, exhausted, hopeless. 

The TV series, The Chosen expands this scene and expert from the Gospel and you get to see more imagery of the whole experience for them, and especially Simon. You also clearly see the awe, joy, and deep gratitude of when everything is turned around, and they meet Jesus on the shore. (Simon not knowing/fulling recognizing who He is). Simon heavily doubts Jesus' words and commands to throw out their nets for a catch, even with no success many hours earlier. Simon obeys but is skeptical. Jesus has something for him at the last moment, when Simon and the others would clearly give up. Jesus isn't late, but rather on time, and on time for when Simon is ready to let Jesus do the work- after Simon trying so hard with no avail, and Jesus has the nets bursting with fish, overflowing in abundance after he tells Simon what to do. 

That's what I was thinking about right when I left for my interview, and that's how I felt interiorly, spiritually- letting The Holy Spirit, and Jesus work through me. If it's His will, all will work out anyway. I am ever so grateful, and excited for this new opportunity and experience!

Cherry Blossoms

 Coming back to Washington, D.C. was such an experience. It had been 11 years, and going there the second time was a dream! I didn't realize the effect or impact it had on me, all the amazing, beautiful and historic sites. I have learned so much about U.S. History from my recent job, that it all came alive for me! I felt so passionate, and awe inspired from the various sites and excursions. It even brought back memories of my job and what I passively learned from the teachers about History. And here I was, standing right where many historical events took place! 

It did create some nostalgia from my job, the students, but also a lot of gratitude of learning, and to experience the excitement of exploring and learning as well!  I learned and took in so much visiting family and touring with them- a place they have gotten to know so well! 

I vividly remember the last time I was there; it was spring and there were cherry blossoms everywhere- so beautiful! I read from a book about D.C. area that the Japanese donated roughly 3,000 cherry blossoms tree around the Mall area so when spring comes, they all come out in full bloom! 

When my nieces and I went to the gift shop after exploring The Library of Congress (so fascinating!), I saw some notebooks and other various cool gift items. One of the notebooks struck me of how beautiful it was- the cover was of cherry blossoms. I was so inspired by it, and it reminded me of my first visit in Spring. It's a little reminder of my time in D.C. and the rich beauty of the area. And I can always find a use for notebooks! 

Refreshment

 Those long windows that look out to the side yard, full of lush greenery and trees. Picturesque, serene, bountiful. This was the view I would wake up to each morning while having breakfast at the table. It was a beautiful view. A reminder of how much moisture and rain this area gets that describes summer using words opposite of dry, parched or drought. 

The noises and voices in the kitchen nearby, with Isabel cleaning up after breakfast, playing with the boys or making lunches and preparing snacks for the day ahead. Mary either sitting right beside me at the table reading a book, finishing up her breakfast or quietly playing downstairs. 

I also enjoyed those mornings. They were eventful and let a spark for a new day ahead with possibilities and more sightseeing. Sipping my coffee, eating my cereal and yogurt while quietly thinking to myself, taking in the family life, either some normal morning rukus from the boys, disagreement or disappointments, as well as laughter, chatter and taking our time and anticipation for the day. Laundry churning nearby, dishwasher running, feet pattering, and good mornings and hugs from the girls. I would quietly open the paper- a much better and filled news resource than the one we have back home. It was interesting to read about various places in the world and happenings, a much broader scope of news. 

As myself, not very much a morning person, I would take my time- sink in the feeling of being away from home, take it all in and enjoy it. Such a unique and wonderful experience. Each day went by fairly fast, and then by evening wondering, where did the day go? Another morning waking up with some noises and playing above my room, the floor creaking, everyone already up and ready for the day, except me.

 Walking up the stairs from the basement to the second story was routine, and I knew I would start to miss it all- the daily morning routine, the interactions with my nieces and nephews, being part of their family and home life, quality time with my sister, and just being somewhere different. A new experience entirely! How refreshing! 

Molding Clay

 I couldn't help but think of God forming us, shaping us, molding us to who He wants us to be while watching a video in the Museum of Art of a sculptor starting out with clay to create a work of art, a masterpiece. God creates us out of clay in order to shape us into a better likeness of him, as is mentioned in the Bible and as we hear in various passages. 

But now, O Lord, You are our Father,

We are the clay, and You our potter;
And all of us are the work of Your hand. - Isaiah 64:8

Remember now, that You have made me as clay;
And would You turn me into dust again? - Job 10:9 

He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. - Psalm 40:2

Can I not, O house of Israel, deal with you as this potter does? declares the Lord. “Behold, like the clay in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel. - Jeremiah 18:6

How intricate, detailed, and delicate it all is the in the beginning stages of the sculptor's work. What beauty, depth and awe as I watched the process and example of a famous sculptor- Canova, do his sculpting like this. It's not just molding the clay, but also the chiseling, the refining after the clay has hardened and the long and tedious, delicate process of refinement and creation starts. 

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The fascination of watching on that video clip in the Museum of Art in Washington, D.C. gave my inner artistic spirit to come alive, be inspired and appreciate the beautiful, unique, some recognizable and others not recognizable from my limited knowledge of art and paintings, be reawakened and appreciated, taking it all in! 

Molding, creating, shaping. God is at work and this trip to see family was a part of that, part of my summer plans that came into fruition. 

New Books!

 One of my goals for this year of 2023 was to read new books, books I hadn't read before. I feel that these past years, I easily go back to books I've already read one, two, or three times already. There is a specialness with encountering a beloved read for the glorious umpteenth time, but there is a beauty and sacredness altogether of getting your hands on a new book, one that hasn't been finished before.

I was thinking about this just yesterday. I was browsing through my bookshelf, wondering which books I should take with me to read on my flight. And also, scurrying through many library books. A number of the library books I've checked out, I 've also already read! Then I realized and remembered this goal of mine, to pick up new reads. 

So, I returned a majority of the library books, in hopes of clearing out my cluttered bookshelf and seeing the books I haven't yet read. Maybe it's a waste of time to reread good books? Maybe it helps to recall a season that leaves you with nostalgia and inspiration, like I recently wrote about; and stirring up these memories can help with the present. Or creating new memories with new stories and new books enhances our adventure and learning and proves to ourselves we can create new things! (This isn't just limited to books and reading, though this is what I'm focused on writing for now)

This is something I want to remind myself of and keep up the aspect and mentality of 'new'. 

Graces

 Peace. Joy. Stillness. After going to confession and being there in silent prayer before Mass was such a gift. It had been a week since attending Mass due to being sick, and how much I needed and missed it!

I went to adoration yesterday for the first time in nearly a week (hence, being sick) and just the pure and radiant peace and reassurance of being in Jesus' presence was amazing, nothing can replace it. Things feel simple, less complicated, and my thoughts and worries are all planted at His feet and near His heart. Why am I worrying? Why am I focusing so much on things that are at times beyond my control? They are in His will and plan and will unfold accordingly. 

Today, I realized is my other saint of the year's feast day- St. Henry II. I didn't know anything about him, but reading the excerpt from Pope Benedict XI was nice and beautiful, and encompassing this saint.  

"Today the Church celebrates the feast of St. Henry, who from 1002 to 1024 was emperor of the medieval Holy Roman Empire and thus the most powerful man of the Europe of his time. He was canonized because he placed his power at the service of what is true and what is good, because he recognized power to be a duty of service...

First of all this prayer tells us that St. Henry was endowed with abundant grace. He was not what he had, what he was, from his own resources: it was to him, it was grace, and for that reason it was also a responsibility he had to bear to God and to others. Although our lives are built on quite different lines, the same applies to us too: everything essential in our lives has been given to us without our contributing to it.

 The fact that I am alive is not something I have derived from myself: the fact that people were there who introduced me to life, who enabled me to experience love, who gave me faith and opened my gaze to God- all that is grace. We could not do anything if we had not been given the ability to do so first...

He (St. Henry) too had to learn that God's grace is often dark, but that it is precisely in suffering that grace lies." 

Special Afternoon

 I was at her house drinking coffee and about to eat a delicious cake from Paris Baguette on a nice plate, when I realized this is a special moment. We are both in the same place- transitioned from our jobs and anticipating the next steps. Both in higher education programs and embracing what the next season looks like. 

We are both having the coffee and the cake together that she served at her house, and I feel welcomed. Her hospitality is inviting and her listening ears and support, a treasure. We have both left a season that 'looked the same' for years. We both endured hard, long and many mundane moments at our job. She questioned her path and what was next for her in order to keep growing, learning and thriving, and I also questioned what was next for me these past years. 

Our birthdays are one week and 2 days apart, right in the beginning of summer. We both enjoy working with students and being in education. She is Korean and studied German and got her Masters in Germany. My heritage is German, and I am currently now (slowly) learning Korean. 

As I sip my coffee and eat my cake, I realize this is a special moment of celebration. We have finished out and endured another school year, and on to something else. I feel that I have been stretched and grown these last weeks, and the last time I was at her house was the last day of school. I feel differently now and have grown in my own way. Last year, in late July, I came over to her house for the first time, and now looking back over these seasons, life has been happening and changing.

I feel that we have gotten closer because we can share the hard parts, the doubts and the unknowns. We have known each other at our job for 4 years, and she was my only true friend and contact there. Our faith has also been a life force, and a way of connecting- her in her Chirstian faith, and me in my Catholic faith. 

So, we ate cake, drank coffee, talked and went for a walk. What gratitude in sharing these memories over the years and seeing what lies around the corner. 

Our Voice Messages

 I found this sheet of paper a few weeks ago, as I was cleaning out some things. It was from early December, and at that time I was sick with covid and staying home and recuperating, so I wrote down some of the topics we were in touch about during that time so I wouldn't forget when I responded back to her message. It brought me back to that time, but more importantly, it showed me how much I treasure and value my dear sister's voice messages. 

You see, when you have a soul sister, you are always in touch. And what you have to say and share matters. But it matters so much that you are anticipating and looking forward to hearing from them.

When she was camping with her family, I thought of her and was also missing our voice messages- as she had no reception. I realized how treasured a gift it is to be in touch, but also that we are in touch frequently! We are sharing, expressing, articulating through our words what text messages can't merely seem to do. 

However, voice messages don't break apart the necessary quality of in person time and being face to face, but it helps. And I know without her voice messages, I miss them, our connection and being in tune with each other's lives. I am grateful and blessed. 

Lists

 I was thinking about the past and thinking about inspiration. What were/are some of the main things that help me, that create energy and a life force for me. One night, recently when I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep, I picked up a notebook of mine and looked through it and recalling the memories. 

This wasn't a typical notebook, but a fill in the prompt kind of thing, a list of things to write down. I got for my birthday from my sister a couple of years ago. And recalling the inspiration came flooding back, and it helped me remember those times and years where I felt like I needed more or was going through a hard time.

And actually, a lot hasn't changed. I feel I am still drawn to these similar types of things for ideas, inspiration, or just my general answers. And that was comforting, and ways to rekindle again when I was solely focused on the past and not so much focused on the present.

But as I've realized, inspiration is not always found in the moment, but rather in the memories from that present time. It's in the ebbs and flows of life, the string of the ordinary that details what we are going through and experiencing that showcases our creative life and inspiration at work. 

Fresh Start

 I can't believe it's already halfway through 2023! Where have these months gone? 

Looking back on this picture, it feels like some time ago when I rearranged and redecorated my room over my Christmas break, and it was early January- an exciting and new time. 

My dresser looks different now- with filled drawers, messy and a bit disorganized on the top. Fake flowers of magnolias and star lilies, and real beautiful orange tinted roses, and different decorations. 

I look back with gratitude of what 2023 has brought and looked like so far. It has been a busy first part of the year, hectic with my grad program classes and demanding as well as my job with at times exhausting and annoying students, problems and constant noise. 

It feels like a blur mostly, but grateful for the harder experiences that seemed to come at every corner. I just did it, putting up with the unpredictability and annoyances that regularly occurred. I look back at the Fall with some nostalgia though- it had its own moments of craziness too, but also productivity, curves of learning and growth! 

I want to continue to be inspired, with ideas and goals. Just like the beginning of January, with the newness, excitement and anticipation of a new year, July feels like a fresh start too. 

It's the beginning of summer, a new year for me, and a new month and first part of the second half of the year!