Picture Day

 

This picture was taken a year ago today. I remember my feelings well. The class I was helping in was still crazy and out of control, and full of boys. I was getting more and more busy with my classes, assignments and zoom calls, and I felt tired on the regular with demanding work and school schedules. 

 I distinctly remember desiring for more in my schedule- not yet a professional in my field, but wanting to somehow, someway gain experience. The school year pictures were taken in the library, and I remember asking one of the workers there- a library tech, if she liked her job and told her what I was studying. I felt somewhat stuck in my position and didn't see how it was going to help or be related to my needed experience.

Flash forward, now I am interning at a library and gaining experience and exposure just like I had wanted, dreamed and yearned for quite a long time! I look back on this time not knowing what would unfold or happen, and I'm filled with awe and gratitude of how it all has turned out thus far. 

I looked back at this school photo (my only yearbook photo in the 4 years I worked there), and throughout the school year I saw the growth and change with the seasons. I wanted to keep this ID card, but initially I didn't like the photo. Aren't we always our own worst critic, overlooking and insecure about everything? (It doesn't help when your coworker says not so nice comments about your photo either.) 

But now I like it, as it reminds me of how much I endured last school year- personal growth, struggles in job and learning curves as well as in my program. I can see God working and orchestrating it all. It was also the morning I went to Mass and confession, so God gave me all the graces for that day despite its hard parts. 

I want to tell my past self- 'don't worry, you are where you are meant to be for now. Just enjoy it, learn and grow from it.' Most days I did feel like I was doing the right thing and in the right place and sensed a lot of peace- even when there were harder moments, exhausting days and noise levels that depleted my energy. I'm glad I stuck with it and learned more about myself in the process. 

I didn't know today was the Feast of the Holy Name of Mary, so of course she has been interceding for me as well. 

Running Shoes and Mindset

 I run with new shoes, and it takes some time to adjust and break them in. But I can tell they are more supportive and comfortable overall. They give me an extra boost of energy to train when somedays its easy not to feel like it. 

However, I noticed without listening to music in my ears to motivate or distract was a good habit to get into. I can just be in my thoughts and gain the endorphins and energy I need to keep going. And that's how it is running a race. There is motivation, hardship, tiredness just the same but the reward is greater to keep on going and to be strong. 

Just keep running. 

A Sister's Reminder

 I opened the card and immediately saw the photos from her wedding day. I was surprised and touched. The three photos she sent me from her special day of us together for a belated birthday gift brought back special memories, and in some ways, it felt like a long time ago. It's been over a year, but the intricate details, the lovely summer's day and the closeness of our sisterhood on that day are not easily forgotten.

It was only when I saw the photo behind the others, the one of the collages depicting various memories throughout the years, that I just started crying. It just came to me and all I could do was let the tears come. They were tears of joy, gratitude but also heartfelt nostalgia and missing.

 I realized I've been missing some of those years, of having a sister at home, a tried-and-true friend. One who knows and walks the path and seasons of life with you, and you never have to question. We had that, and that's why it was so special and even more so upon reflection. 

"The bond between sisters is a bond that's strong enough to last a whole lifetime!" 

"In each of our unique seasons of life, there was always you <3" 

Mary's Birthday

 Upon walking into my brother and sister in law's apartment, I saw a beautiful image of Our Lady holding baby Jesus and a lamb. I've seen this image before and found it profound to see it again on Our Lady's birthday yesterday. It holds the symbolism of innocence, love and sacrifice. 

I thought of other little reminders of Mary on her birthday. Going to Mass and wearing a blue shirt and blue earrings without fully realizing. While driving their place, I was holding my finger rosary, and it has helped me drive safe on the roadways. 

And upon training with my brother for our half marathon, and talking about details and running shoes, Ali remembered that she had new and unused shoes that might fit me. Sure enough, they do! And they are a pretty vibrant blue, turquoise. 

I come home feeling pretty tired. But before going to bed, I pray the rosary- the next day for the 54-rosary novena as the halfway mark is quickly approaching. Mary shows up in little and big ways, and in various reminders of her. May I keep her close as my mother and friend. 

God Son of Mine

 "Be still and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10

As I was with Isaac, I looked up at the plague with this Bible verse and immediately felt comforted. Of course, God is in control, He knows everything, and He is with me. This Psalm was my mantra 2 years ago from a mug my sweet sister gifted me for my birthday, and it became mine again today.

Babysitting Isaac is so joyful, eventful, and fun. How much you can learn from a little baby- though not still a baby, and not quite a toddler. It's the sweetest and cutest phase of in-betweens. 

He understands pretty much everything and has his little ways of replying back for yes and no; he grunts and try to say the words. Or often shouting out 'Pop Pop' and pointing to a picture or just out of sheer joy and confidence saying his grandpa's name. He knows when he is hungry, tired, or just simply wants to cuddle and put his little arms around me and rest on my shoulder just like he does with his mama or dada. 

I'm reminded of the simple things. And not letting anxiety, fear or doubt creep in and ruin the moment. His little dance moves to his favorite song, picking up his board books and pointing to the words with the pictures, or being intrigued by me blowing bubbles with my gum and smiling and laughing each time. 

It's in these moments that allow me to enter in and embrace this little nephew and God son of mine. I can pray for him and be a witness and example of my faith, but so can he- showing me how it is to be a child of God, a child of wonder. 

Healed and Satisfied

 "...So I began another healing journey. Healing journeys always begin with our brokenness, our humility and surrender. No healing journey is easy. It doesn't happen overnight, and it takes hard work. To surrender those lies daily, sometimes moment by moment, and to take on God's truth." 

I read these words just a few weeks ago, written down in my notebook from a wonderful and encouraging book by Alyssa Joy Bethke, called Satisfied. I read this beloved coffee table book back in March when the weather was cold, wet and dreary days on end (practically what seemed like for the whole month!) and how much I needed this book in my hands when I did. 

I found Satisfied at the library, while browsing shelves on a weekend. I felt a tug in my heart from the Holy Spirit to check out this book. I didn't think anything of it- I didn't feel that compelled or interested in it when I glanced it over on the shelves along with the other Christian titles. But I listened to that inspiration and went back, took it from its place and checked it out. I'm glad I listened to that inner voice, that nudge because God knew I needed that encouragement and deeper connection from Bethke's words.

I wrote down a lot of notes from her book- her anecdotes, words from her heart and deeper thoughts. I realized that I felt called to read this because I was growing weary, exhausted and discouraged that rainy month of March. I was exhausted with my job as well as the constant, and heavy demands of my classes and workload. The cycle didn't seem to stop, and interiorly I felt like I was uninspired and breaking. Literally on a rat race.

Bethke gave me inspiration and hope, and especially encouragement- I felt really similar to her! Her more quiet and observant nature, her introverted and cautious self, and striving to live her confident self-amidst the hardship of creating true friendships and the hustle and bustle of our technology driven world. It was comforting and reassuring to say the least. 

So, when I read this quote in my notebook recently- it had a new significance, a new meaning. Healing, healing journeys, I can relate because I was just went through one. Healing from a hectic school year and semester, and annoying, rude and just plain exhausting students and coworkers at times, busyness and to dos. But also healing from going on dates with a guy who not only wasn't clear with his intentions but left me in the dark. What he didn't do or say was even more hurtful and shocking. This summer allowed me to process, and ultimately heal from these events. And for that I am grateful. 

"To ask for his Spirit's help. To open our eyes to see his truth and reality and to be full of his hope."

Information Retrieval Class

 There's something about a Professor you know will create an inspiring and engaging class. There's a spark, a deeper interest in the subject matter and you can sense their passion.

 One of my favorite professors with the iSchool happened Fall 2021. It was already a rather raw, and challenging time. But upon receiving the notice about the class I would take with her- Information Retrieval System Designs, there was something that compelled me to know it would be interesting and she would be a great teacher.

That class really helped me that semester- not just with learning new material in the field of library science, but also having an amazing professor (and still one of my favorites!) I loved her enthusiasm for the content. Initially, it was a bit dry and technical, but her presence on her lectures made me more intrigued to learn and understand more. 

I always looked forward to her lectures. They were well thought out, engaging and an helpful overview for the week ahead. She had 'connect sessions' where after watching her lecture, you would write in the discussion post your impressions, thoughts and opinions based on the content of the lecture. It was a great tool to stay connected with the class and see their thoughts and questions written out. It was easy points, but more importantly a way to engage (which is hard enough over online classes). 

I liked how she allowed for her students to think outside the box- and think more deeply and critically about Information Retrieval and how its important and relevant to you. It took me almost the whole semester for that to click. 

Some reflection pieces I really liked that she had at the beginning of the semester and repeated at the end I wrote down were:

-You're not alone

-Study Time. Me Time. (light a candle to make it an enjoyable and relaxing experience)

-Learning is Messy- things won't be perfect

-Scholarly Conversation

-Extend Grace. Communicate. Be the Solution. Not the problem. Make sure all voices are heard.

-Do I belong here? Field needs diverse people, needs, skillsets.

-How can I contribute here?

- Challenges (can't compare ourselves to others, keep moving forward, one step at a time.)

-You are not your user

-Self Reflection

-Learning and Friction (has to be a challenge in order to grow, learn)

-The Journey (point on a journey, not a destination)

-Have fun. Enjoy the learning process. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 I enjoyed hearing about her former career as an assistant librarian at a college and working with students. I was instantly inspired and felt somewhat compelled that that's perhaps the route I wanted to take.

Last summer, I reached out to her regarding the pathway of academic librarianship and more information about it, as well as how to get your foot in the door. She had some useful and helpful tips in her voice message to me. I had a feeling I would figure things with time out and opportunities would introduce themselves.

When I think about the most amount of learning and content for my classes thus far as well as my favorite professor- this class and Professor comes to mind, and for that I am grateful! It made that semester so much more engaging, inspiring and interesting. 

Leaning Over Coffee

 Coffee shop. After a long time, family group settings, summer events and busyness. It's the ambiance of a coffee shop, a constant between quiet and noise, ins and outs and we have our own talk, our own catching up to do after weeks of other things. Our voice messages only do justice of our inner worlds, thoughts, ideas, struggles and opinions.

The stillness and creative inspirations from a coffee shop embark the quality conversations we are seeking. The Saturday morning muse gives a flicker to the past week and the weekend ahead. 

I remember the weeks were so busy and constant before, and weekends were literally a breath of fresh air. This new open, varied schedule is very nice and appreciated, and it doesn't feel like a scurried sense of trying to find the time and mental space for something different. 

Hot coco, white chocolate mocha, a muffin, pumpkin bread is what we ate and drank. Those few hours felt like minutes dropping like rain drops spewing from the sky, and then disappear. Their remnant is on the ground. Our words, and time spent together are saved in memory like the trickling and pouring of brewed coffee on a Fall, crips morning; always appreciated, savored and ready for the next time!

Bluebird

 The beginning of the school year brings back so many memories. Listening to a particular song welcomes back a distinctive feel, memory and experience. 

My sister sent me the song and I was listening to it on repeat while decorating a shirt for my other sister's birthday. I love art design and decorating shirts is always so fun, especially for someone else! 

It was that newness feeling of a brand-new school year. Though I was a veteran, it felt very new due to being in a new classroom and placed with a new sped teacher. But it was just what I needed after things feeling the same for the prior 3 school years. There was a heightened sense of responsibility, guidance, but I felt like I was enjoying it because I was busier and could make things more my own- despite it being challenging and exhausting. 

In a way, it was a reward for sticking it out the other years that were bland and more predictable. I could use it for something, and there was a sense of joy and peace, knowing I was in the right place. Turning 30 and being at the same job had many graces, and it felt like the hard, dry, and monotonous parts were turning into something else the beginning of the school year.

When I listen to this song, I immediately think of a year ago at this time. We were celebrating my mom and sister's birthday at a restaurant, and my classes just started. Thery were looking into selling their house, and there was a distinctive summer feeling in the air- with the warm summer breeze, people enjoying themselves and out and about, and a whole new school year ahead that already felt hard, interesting, exhausting. It was a new challenge to embrace and make it my own. 

Happy Anniversary blog!

7 years ago (yesterday) I started this blog. This has been the longest blog I have had, and I am so happy and proud that I have kept it up all these years. 

It was an idea I had, to continue with writing, sharing and inspiration. Blogging is a huge source of writing inspiration and ideas for me, and I've noticed I've written more as the years go by. 

Happy Anniversary, samakti blog!! :)

Walking on Parched Ground

 I was thinking about 2 years ago in mid-August. It was such a unique, interiorly intense and richly dry time. I say richly dry- (these words are both opposite of each other) because I felt like I was in a severe desert, but also felt His comfort and consolation uniquely and richly in that season of pain and suffering. Here's a letter to myself during this time.

_________________________________

Dear Colleen,

Your heart is heavy. And your mind is flooded with deep, discouraging, cyclical thoughts about your life right now. It's mid-August, right before another school year, and it will be your 3rd year at your job. But deep down, you feel a sense of uncertainty, feeling outgrown in a lot of ways, ready for the next step, the next season, the next challenge. And why wouldn't you feel this way? Both your older sister and younger brother just got engaged to their significant others, and new seasons and exciting beginnings were starting for them, but everything felt flat, old, the same and mundane for you.

 Your heart has been pierced, you're carrying a particular cross, but also you are challenged to grow, to continue to look for the good, the beauty, even the new when everything feels the same. You are also challenged and encouraged to keep the newly engaged couples in your prayers and continue to be supportive and happy even if it's what you so deeply desire for yourself. 

Not only that, but you wonder and often question your path. Here you are continuing with your MLIS degree for your second semester, and already you want to progress in your future field, gain experience, and keep learning and progressing. But going back to your job for another school year feels like you are going backwards. Thats where the discouragement gets you, and where those lies creep in, as well as doubt.

Looking back on other challenging times, you remembered what helped was volunteering or serving in some way and getting out of yourself. So, you signed up to help out with registration for a few hours at your job the week before school started. It helped you grow; you had never helped out with that before. You also saw a number of students you recognized, and it helped prepare you for the upcoming school year. 

That week was one of the staff development days you went to, and you feel somewhat out of place yet again. You're not a teacher, but you are feeling outgrown in your position and simply overlooked. Afterwards, you head over to the public library you always go to. Perhaps looking around at books will uplift and inspire you again since you feel down and overwhelmed with all you are experiencing. 

Inspired by the Holy Spirit, you immediately think of a book about St. John Vianney to look up. It feels like a good source of comfort and consolation since what you know about this saint is he spiritually led the town of Ars out of spiritual dryness and darkness, but also his many sacrifices, and mortifications he did to offer up this town to Our Lord, and obedience and commitment to his vocation as a priest. His example helped you where you are- saying yes to God in the ordinary and mundane, that God could use it for something good and to be transformed in some way. 

You don't know it at the time of course, but you will be transformed interiorly and spiritually. You will be given all the graces you need. And you will be using your gifts and strengths even during this school year and with the same SPED teacher. You will be reaching students and growing more and more as well as in your program. God can use it all, and He will, even the dryness and the seemingly ordinary you find yourself in. 

Don't give up. It's just a season- this too shall pass. And though you won't know it yet, actually for a while, you will stay another school year which will show you all the fruits of what you endured and learned, and in some ways will be easier and harder than what you will experience. And surprisingly enough, looking back, you will be grateful for these challenges, and pains. God is preparing and molding you for something great. Don't lose heart, He is with you and ever beside you.

Love,

Colleen 

Your Future Self 8/10/2023