Evergreen

 Evergreen. This feeling of fresh, green, renewal, new, ahh. This new year feels not only like a fresh start (like they all do), but one of opportunity and perspective. The color green instills life, and growth and I feel it is all around me. 

As I lit the candle on New Years Day my sister gave me for Christmas it was so refreshing and peaceful. (I really need to light candles more often!) The scent was evergreen- forest fur, and with that came a burning light, and nice aroma to begin again, to recharge, to be grateful. Reminds me of that song by Audrey Assad, titled 'Evergreen', very peaceful and calming. 

I noticed while not on purpose, that I put up some decor in my room that reminds me of evergreen- photos that showcase lush greenery in the background; flowers; green sprouting wall sticker, and my green wall. This rain only adds to making things green and bloom once again, while awaiting what's in store. 

Happy New Year!!

Highlights of the Year

 As I was sitting in that cafe on that rainy New Years Eve morning, I was studying but also wanting to find out my word and saint of the year- a fun tradition I've done with some of my family over the years. We first used to find out our saint of the year 'the old fashion way' through little slips of paper and picking out one from a hat. And voila, we'd have our saint for the next year! As the saying goes, you didn't choose the saint, the saint chose you! 

Over the past few years, my sisters and I have been doing so electronically through a word and saint generator website. I think there are a lot of these now. It's fun, exciting and unpredictable. Thinking, how is that word going to match the year or the saint for that matter? And sometimes the word can be random, or even meaningless.

When I 'picked' my word for the year 2023 on that last morning of 2022, I instantly felt upon receiving it that it may be a hard year, or thinking how that word would be incorporated throughout the next 12 months?

The word, in case you're wondering is/was 'plucky'. It sounds and looks like lucky but with a p in front. I've never heard the word before. The meaning is 'having or showing determined courage in the face of difficulties'. Though the word was obviously chosen at randomly, I found it to be a bit ominous or even nerve wracking... what would the new year hold or look like??

Well, although it was in various ways a hard and trying year, there were still many beautiful and wonderful blessing throughout. I'll write some of them down here to focus on the good as well, as we say goodbye to 2023.  

-Going to Monterey with Mom and Dad and with Mom to Carmel during spring break!

-Trip to DC, and visit with the Hashams', A whole week of exploring and seeing major sites and museums and quality time with family.

-Watching The Chosen

-Haslam girls over in summer

-Going on Women's retreat

-Babysitting Isaac, Santiago, and quality time with Elisabeth

-more open time in summer and fall semester

-visiting Susie, Ricardo and Viviana in September and quality time with Susie

-Praying at 40 days

-Helping out with Confirmation program

-Passing my classes

-Young Adult Ministry Events

-Half Moon Bay twice

-meeting nieces for the first time

-Writing more posts on my blog than ever before!

-Kept up with studying languages

-running with Stephen

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Cheers to 2023 and anticipating 2024!!

Movie With My Sister

 It was a rainy night, and we were trying to find parking on the street. She ended up parallel parking and we rushed over to the theatres to purchase our tickets. She paid for mine, so sweet! 

We were thrilled to see this movie together, it was the last week of the 2019 year, close to New Years and she had some 'free time', her husband and little boy in El Salvador for Christmas time and her with her dear one in her womb. We were enjoying this quality time with each other, my dear sister and me.

We planned to see 'It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood' with Tom Hanks and heard good things about it. It was the last days of the year and literally it felt like before everything changed- that is in the world, with Covid, and distancing, uncertainty and just heavy crosses and learning curves unfolding at every corner in the months ahead. Little did we know, and felt like her sweet baby cocooned inside her, all comfortable and resting.

We had a good seat in the movie theatre, but it was actually for handicapped or elderly, so we weren't sure if we would have to move. It wasn't too close or too far away from the screen. In the end, no one requested us to give up our seats. 

I think about that time and have such special memories. That movie was so well done. It was touching, moving and really made us think- about how to treat people, about relationships, family, about the inner workings of people, wounds. Essentially, it left us feeling blown away with optimism, empathy and real human connection and purpose. It was a sign of hope. 

Christmas Reflections

 There's nothing like family during the Christmas season, and most especially on Christmas day. Of all the memories throughout the years, from childhoods into teenage and young adult years, I've cherished so deeply Christmas mornings and Christmas Eve with my siblings. 

Of course, it began to look different when siblings got married and had their own families and traditions were a bit different, but coming together was the same, with more people and presents abound! The richness of being together and celebrating with delicious food for a formal dinner. Sometimes we'd go for a walk on Christmas afternoon, or stay inside with all the gifts, the children, noise and chatter, and sweets like my mom's delicious Christmas cookies!

On Christmas Eve, we would go to Mass as family and come home afterwards all excited and ready for Christmas festivities, sometimes even opening one or two gifts, eating sweets, drinking hot cider and watching classic Christmas movies such as Its a Wonderful Life. We wouldn't want to miss it!

Upon watching just a few clips of this movie (we didn't watch the whole thing this year), it brought back so many memories of this tradition we had, over the years. And it stirred upon me nostalgia, but also beauty of the meaning, the treasured value of our lives, existence and what we mean to each other, and the impact we have. It brought tears to my eyes for all these reasons! And also, what Christmas means to us. Baby Jesus coming into this world, as one of us, going down to our level, as a pure and innocent, cute baby, so we won't be afraid of him. 

I think about people who have a hard time during the holiday season- a loss of a loved one perhaps, sufferings, pains, loneliness, etc... I can't imagine what others endure for various reasons, and it makes me think about all the many, many blessings I've received for my whole life, and during Christmas time! But also, how this year has felt different. Its allowed me to reflect and enter more deeply into the manger scene on that first Christmas. There were many things that were not ideal for Mary and Joseph and Jesus, but they trusted and accepted the cold, the animals, the smells, the lack of privacy even. God was not born in a palace and it's not what they thought they needed or expected- there was no room in the inn. 

That's what I've tried to contemplate- sometimes Christmas time isn't what we expect or like necessary, but there are still so many blessings and things to be grateful for! And sometimes it makes us grow through different circumstances, or reflections upon past memories. Christmas isn't about us, but worshiping God and loving Him as He entered this world. 

Sister Sleep

 This just recently came to me, to write about and more importantly to remember and cherish the memory of the night before my sister and her soon to be husband's wedding. With this winter chill, summer days of bloom come back to me, like this one. July 1st, 2022 was my sister and my brother-in-law's wedding day! 

 I was her maid of honor, and her and I would be sharing the same hotel room and bed. It was the last night together before she would enter into and become a wife and someday mother. 

Upon waking up

Her vocation, the one God had prepared all along would soon be beginning. But something that would never change would be our relationship as sisters, our bloodline and our cherished memories, childhood, young adult years- they all emerged and combined upon jumping into that cozy bed, our luggage and stuff all scattered about the room, and our excitement for her big day was hard to settle into a deep slumber initially.

She was doing finishing touches of the wedding program, and other details, and I was getting my bags organized, preparing for bed, and reviewing some Russian:) Our oldest sister was visiting and chatting in our room too. It was just like old times- Susie doing the necessity of the moment, work, and me attending to something that I put my mind to, with no time constraint. But we also needed our beauty sleep for the big, important day.

I remember sleeping well and the bed was comfortable, and spacious enough. We weren't breathing in each other's faces, and I don't think I was snoring too loudly. I probably could have slept longer, but it was time to start the day- have some breakfast and start getting ready! I would be doing my own hair and makeup and would keep to my hair and if needed use dry shampoo since I didn't want my hair to be all wet and then wavy, curly without a blow dryer. 

We had a quick breakfast together from the hotel and then she went for a quick run around the premises to let out energy, but also relax from a really busy week of moving and preparation. And just alone time before all the guests for the wedding and reception. The grounds were beautiful with purple hydrangea flowers and lovely greenery, peaceful and serene.

It was special to gather as a family with the siblings and finishing getting ready in the hotel room before the Wedding Mass. It was a cozy environment with 2 attached rooms, with laughter, talking, eating, changing and preparing last minute details. Essentially, a room full of joy. And their wedding day and their lives together would start...

Pinecones

 Pinecones are a common thing to see during winter and Christmas time. They are usually embedded in Christmas wreaths or displayed on mantles, with candles, and greenery. I think they are symbols of renewal or life, as it's a life cycle with their seeds dropped and scattered for new life to begin again into a pinecone. 

I saw and collected a pinecone when I was visiting my sister and brother-in-law in September. Her and I went on a walk, and a small pinecone from a tree had fallen I guess. I thought it was a bit strange to see one so early in Fall. But I kept it ever since, as a reminder of our sweet and fun time together. 

When I see the greenery and wreaths displayed in churches this time of year and during the liturgical season, it reminds me of Gods' love, with the circle of the wreaths, His love is everlasting. And it is always fresh (His love, mercy, grace), just like the green wreaths and other decor intentionally and beautifully displayed. 

What a richly blessed time it is! 

Evening Light

 Seeing the Christmas trees, the greenery, the wreaths set upon the premises of the church, it made me reflect. It was so peaceful, with adoration, dim lights and it made me feel right at home. It really feels like Christmas now, with all the decorations, and entering more into this blessed and holy liturgical season. 

It made me reflect upon these past couple of years, and really sense that God brought me here, to this particular church, this community. He has led me here and that there's a plan, a purpose, a mission involved. In a dark, isolated and hard season, I felt brought here, where there was light, and I would be spiritually fed more so. It's already been 3 years, and seeing the seasons pass, unfold, its beautiful to be in this almost Christmas season. I was reflecting upon this while waiting in the confession line that evening. 

Also, just thinking, processing these past months especially and wrapping my head around it all. It all feels so daunting and can get bogged down or even a little emotional, but it was therapeutic to be there in adoration and just let out all my inner emotions and let the tears fall. I could also sense the healing in confession and preparing for Christmas.  

And upon seeing a contact at church, he asked me how I am doing. And just honesty came to me, not sugar coating or giving excessive details or explanations either, but letting 'okay' suffice for me too, and that it's more than okay to reveal our true status even to ourselves in that moment. And it felt good for someone to ask that question- a simple passing question that can easily be asked as a whisper, or as a run on after hello, but to be seen and heard, that's important. 

Jesus being born into this world, with all its darkness, sin, and brokenness is more than okay with our honesty and encounters us as we are. He heals and restores to make all things new. 

Cafe Musings and First Dates

 It all brought me back to that May afternoon. I parked in the same spot where I did that spring day and texted my sister that I was going on a date and if she could say a prayer.  

As I was standing there, inside the coffee shop waiting for my drink, seeing students' study and write papers on their computers in the evening darkness and sip their hot drinks, the streets wet from the rain, the holiday lights producing sheer glimmer on the streets, I couldn't help but think about that time. The growth, the transitions, the unknowns, it all came back so vividly, so effortlessly. 

It was there in that cafe I remember a date I had in May. It was such a busy and hectic time.  The school year was wrapping up and everyone was feeling burnt out and lethargic of the same routine, and I was finishing up a very demanding spring semester for my classes. Everything felt like a blur, and at times it felt like survival mode between working, and constant assignments. This date came as a surprise. I didn't really know if I was looking forward to it as I didn't really know him, just 2 or 3 encounters before. I guess there was a somewhat relaxed energy about it, and we'll see how it goes type of mindset. 

As I was waiting for my hot chocolate last night, and reliving in my mind this date and I remember where we were sitting for it- near the window, with backless seats, and near the back door. I ordered a lemonade as I didn't want to be sensitive to coffee and feel awake late into the evening. I remember, as I look back just being open to giving it a shot, as I already had 2 dates with another guy under my belt a few months earlier (and it being at the same cafe for that first date too lol).

I also remember he did a lot of the talking initially and felt like he was overtaking the conversation in the beginning, until he asked me some questions and talked about young adult ministry, my program, faith, high school, college, some hobbies. It was a long enough time to chat before his phone alarm rang as he would need to be heading out for a bible study. It worked out too since I felt it was a long enough time and needed to start packing for the retreat I would be going on the next day. 

There were so many unknowns up ahead. It was a somewhat stressful time as work would soon be ending, classes for the semester wrapping up and all the busyness soon would be shifting into a more 'open season', and that feeling of summer was getting closer in the air. I didn't really know what summer would look like or the rest of the year, and that made it hard, uncertain. I didn't have all the answers, I was just figuring it out as I went. 

There was this feeling of embracing the present moment as busy as it was, but knowing it was passing. And maybe just holding on to what felt comfortable, what felt right. As I was looking over to that table last night, (I even remembered what I was wearing! lol), I'm not sure if it was nostalgia or what, but I felt like telling my past self somethings. I didn't know this date would lead into another, and another and then a 4th date and then be dropped with no word. I didn't know the hurt on top of major transitions that held me down throughout the summer months. 

I wouldn't know how the rest of this year would play out, and the raw, painful aches of missing what I was doing before and practically everything had a sweet taste from the past and overlooking all the reality and hard parts. I wouldn't know how much I've grown since then, since slowly drinking that lemonade on a spring Thursday afternoon. I was hopeful, but the hard parts were only soon to begin to start, just underway like racoons jumping down from cypress trees in the nighttime starting their waking hours.

I'm glad I experienced it and faced those challenges and pains. I'm glad I was able to come back to that cafe for a group event and silently waiting for my hot chocolate and letting all the thoughts, feelings appear, as well as new ones to emerge. It's a new season, a special time. I want to embrace and be grateful for it all, with new horizons ahead. 

Navidad Story

 

When this picture came up on my phone recently, all the memories came back of this little kitty named Luna. We were taking care of her for 2 weeks while my sister and brother-in-law were away for Christmas. 

It felt so nice, so sweet to have a cat again after many years of saying goodbye to dear ol' Fluffy. We actually hadn't had any pets since then. So, in some ways it was new but also familiar. Luna was adjusting to everything, including us and her being inside for 2 whole weeks! (Since she wasn't fixed yet and would probably just have run away if she got out.)  But it felt more like the Christmas season with a cat in the house again, near the tree and keeping the house a home.

She was quite scared most of the time and would hide under beds and in tight spaces. We even thought we may have lost her since she hid so well in a tight and small corner until overnight her first night. She was sensitive, but when she got comfortable with me, I was able to pick her up and hold her and she liked that and would start kneading and purring. 

It was by sheer surprise that we received another cat (rather kitten at the time) for Christmas from my brother. I was so shocked and couldn't believe that we had 2 felines in the house at once! And that we would have a cat to call our own. My Dad was livid and not supportive of having another cat (kitten), but he was so cute, small and black. His golden eyes were adorable and his fur so soft. 

We were thinking of a name for him, and some came to mind (mocha, midnight, snickers..) and then I just thought of the name Navidad and everyone agreed and it just clicked as he was a Christmas kitty after all, since we received him on Christmas Day. We noticed how different he was from Luna. He was more active and not as frightened. He's playful as any kitten could be. He would squeak at times but not meow until he was a bit older when he found his 'voice.' 

We only had Luna for a few more days right until New Years Day when my sister and her family would be coming back. I liked Luna, I grew to like her. I guess I liked cats more than kittens, but overtime I enjoyed Navidad and saw him often, but initially he would be staying at my sister's apartment. 

He's now been with us for a little over 2 years, and something about having a cat, especially during Christmas time is sweet and special. He lays right behind the tree, just like Luna. But not so much to hide but to keep warm from the heater in the winter chill. He doesn't seek comfort so much with being picked up, but I like to hold him anyway, as he is a petite size, and his black fur still soft (though shedding and thinning a bit). 

He has the cutest face, and his golden eyes brighten up a room. When we first got him, my brother told us that the last owners said the kitten was a girl. But I didn't believe it, as he always looked like he had a masculine and handsome face. Sure enough, he is a boy, he got fixed within his first year and meows every once in a while. 

Inspiring Challenge

 Running motivates me, inspires me, it refreshes me. And it pushes me and allows the opportunity for me to go the distance, face the challenge and reach goals I don't always think I can achieve. It's a mental game, a mental war, a conversation in my head, thoughts, ideas, pictures to keep me going and distracted. 

It also has something for me to work for, to also look forward to. To relax, feel in shape and got a good workout. And then take a warm shower. 

Distractions

It was a busy time. A full semester of classes, working some, but mostly Student Government. And with that came distractions. I remember especially being so consumed with the activities of Student Government (and especially Fall 2013), that I lost sight of the Advent season. 

I recall helping prepare for Prep 2 Pass- a few evenings of tutoring sessions for students to prepare for finals. Two friends and I got the food for the Prep 2 Pass nights from an Afghan restaurant. Afterwards, we were in the car somewhere nearby the restaurant place that was near a business park. There were lights and a big Christmas tree all decorated and bright. 

It was probably only 2 weeks away from Christmas, and I realized how far away I felt spiritually for preparing for Christ's coming. I was so focused and enraptured by the happenings and people with Student Government, my classes and the many distractions around me that I lost sight of the true meaning of that special time before Christmas. I felt so...what's the word, detached, or unprepared. And almost like I lost a sense of my faith, my deeper self with all the noise, and distractions around me. 

It wasn't until the semester officially ended that I went on a silent Christmas retreat with my sister. I was finally able to dive into the true meaning of the season and really prepare for Christ's coming. I could process what had happened over the semester and grow closer in my faith and relationship with God. I realized how much more I needed to take my faith seriously and actually have it be a part of my daily life. 

That's when things started to shift, and in early 2014, I started to go to daily Mass and pray more, and I saw the changes instantly as well as gradually in getting stronger in faith and making it more my own.