The Letters

"As you know, I find it really hard to keep things tidy and in good order- not just my personal things, but the things I'm given to do. Nisa realizes this, and she wants to teach me how to put everything in its place: she tidies my cupboards etc. I try to keep them like that and to be very careful not to spoil things, but despite all my efforts I messed some things up like getting a stain on the desk and breaking off one of the bed- knobs. And I keep forgetting where I left the keys, so that I sometimes make my sisters waste their time. I've done lots of other things like that, but I don't get discouraged, and I think, if God helps me (pray that He will), I'll manage to correct myself" - Guadalupe Ortiz letters

 I've been wanting to read this book since the beginning of the year. I somehow found out about Guadalupe while researching on the Opus Dei website, and immediately I was drawn to her. I felt I could relate and connect with her. Initially in all honesty, her messiness or even clumsiness. But I was also intrigued by her story, faith, cheerfulness, and work. 

She was studying Chemistry and science and later became a professor. Though I cannot relate with her field (I never liked or was good at science), her dedication and passion for it was inspiring. And I have my own experience with education with teaching students as well as getting higher education. 

I'm reading through her letters to her spiritual director, St. Josemaria- one of my favorite saints. And I love how simple she is in writing, but also her dedication in her vocation, her cheerfulness and honesty.

Anticipating The Chosen

 It was a real treat. I hadn't sat and watched something in the theatres since maybe prior to the Pandemic...I couldn't remember that it felt that long! But sitting there in the seats and anticipating the amazing, creative, touching TV series, The Chosen, I couldn't help but think of two things.

One, it brought me back to a few months ago in the Fall. After some hard and discouraging days, all I wanted was to sit down and watch an episode or two on my computer of The Chosen at the end of the day. It wasn't just entertaining, it was getting more into who Jesus was/is, and his disciples. It took my mind and heart away spiritually. As the semester was approaching to a close for both my classes and internship, I was anticipating the new year in various ways and also that the next season of The Chosen would be coming out in the new year. It all seemed far off, yet so close.

Two, once I heard the music to the beginning of the show on the big screen, it brought me back to the time of waiting and anticipation. And ultimately, precious time with my sister and her family- my nieces and nephews in D.C. last July who introduced me to the show in the first place. That trip was an oasis, and time well spent and worthwhile after a crazy school year and tumultuous and challenging start to summer. Watching The Chosen was like a breath of fresh air, inspiring, uplifting and interesting. Watching in theatres brought a smile on my face because it reminded me of my sweet nieces and I watching episodes later in the evening and doing each other's hair in summer evenings.

So, it wasn't just a real treat to see the beginning episodes of season 4, but also worth the wait, and the start of the Triduum and anticipating Easter. It was a sweet experience to share with my mom as well as we watched together. 

The Places of Education

 As I was perusing through my old notebook, I realized there was so much varied content written. It went back to undergrad classes of cultural anthropology and economic geography notes and assignments. It later became a helpful tool for CBEST notes and now German notes. But I hadn't touched German since sometime in 2021. Oh, the ebbs and flows of learning, education and language! 

As I was sipping my coffee (probably should have gotten a cold drink on a hot day), I couldn't enter into my Library Science studies nearly as deeply or intentionally. Maybe it was the feeling of over burnt out, mental exhaustion or just normal discouragement that seems to come my way and whisper in my ear. 

I don't know how I've been studying this for so long, and just all the twists, turns and overall journey it has been has left me in some ways out of breath. It wasn't what I expected but then again, I didn't really have any expectations besides idealistic endeavors. (If that counts)

I feel I have a love hate relationship with it all. I enjoy studying, learning and even being challenged- especially in this program, I have. But when it all feels too much at times and I get overly caught up in the future, the bigger picture that I just don't seem ready for, I shrivel up and I want to throw in the towel. 

But then, I'm still here and still in the thick of it, and I have to keep going! There is only so much time left, and I know I will look back on it and myself prouder than of myself than I am right now, hopefully. And I also hope and know nothing is lost or wasted. I need to keep on trusting and praying that God has a plan and St. Joseph will continue to guide me. I've come this far, and I guess that means I've been doing something right. 

It's a special time and I also want to see the beauty, joy and uniqueness all around me in this particular season that will speed right across from me after one too many blinks of an eye. There is purpose right now, even when it's hard, painful or frustrating and stressful. I just need to take a deep breath and also when I can, continue with my language studies. Who knows where that will lead? But I know after this is all over, perhaps I will be thinking of the next personal challenge to continue stay inspired but also interested and invested in. 

Arabic Relates To

I don't know where my Arabic studies went or are supposed to lead me. I haven't actively studied the language in while, but a couple of years ago it was my life force!  I didn't want to do anything else at times, but just continue learning and be immersed in it, as well as the culture and food. Now it feels like it's part of me, like my skin. Layers and stories deep. There are always ebbs and flows with language learning and feeling connected and inspired with it. 

What got me thinking about Arabic was looking at my nieces' school magazine. It was fun and interesting seeing all the various events and written articles. One of the pages highlighted study abroad programs some students participated in. One girl was studying Arabic and went to the Jordan for a few weeks. How cool! And it's not very often you hear about someone studying yet alone traveling to a middle eastern country. It's a unique passion. 

This also made me think of a book I attempted to read last year but never finished. It's not because I forgot to, but rather chose to. I couldn't continue on reading it due to my own opinions and thoughts regarding the author's lifestyle choices. It's called No Ordinary Assignment by Jane Ferguson. 

However, what I did read of it was interesting and insightful. Not to mention she's someone I would occasionally see on the news (she's a news reporter), and reports on events and crisis in parts of the world mainly in the Middle East. Shes also fluent in Arabic which I always found inspiring. Her life as a news reporter and even just getting into that field and landing a job was very challenging and competitive. She has so much determination and grit, and a lot of it comes from her difficult and traumatic childhood.  

I wish it wasn't a book I had to stop reading- I just couldn't get past the poor choices she was making that she admittedly recognized as a bad cycle and ultimately, it became too hard for me to read. Her career is and seems very demanding, exhausting, stressful and dangerous and I think she likes it that way. Just from the cover of her book, you can tell she is on a wild ride of an adventure, though not without its share of undercover discoveries and hidings to make a full report and an added in wanderlust cultural experience. 

What I read, she was a great and interesting writer, telling her story in a raw and authentic way. Though I have a different picture of her now from after reading a chunk of her book, I still find it inspiring and cool of her achievement, dedication and interest in the Middle Eastern world and the language of Arabic. 

Mer of French Words

 I forgot I wrote about French on my other blog- a sister blog to this, (see below) pertaining to language/culture/recipes and the like. I've been dabbling with the thought of reviewing and getting back into French again. And part of me feels I really need an outlet, and usually this involves language- something inspiring, interesting and to see the progress.

I woke up this morning feeling inspired about this, and realize I have a lot of resources already to continue learning. For instance, this morning I used some flashcards to review vocab with- and I already recognized a few of the words! Thats already an added bonus. But the motivation and inspiration have to be there, and so far it is. :)

I was thinking of doing a daily regimen of quick review and study. Just like I'm trying to do for my classes, it's important for something that uplifts my creative side. I was also thinking of dedicating certain French saints to this- getting to know them and also associating them with my studies, with the French language and culture. St. Therese and the Martin family I feel I've already connected with in this way. And I know there a lot more French saints!

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(From other blog)

French Inspiration

 Just because I had a dream the other night (while we were away in beautiful San Juan Batista), it influenced me to review or attempt to study French again. The dream was about my sister telling me I should learn French again. Ha! And all due to talking about hobbies and languages. 

So, yesterday, I got some outdoor time to bask in the sun and review some French. I forget how much I do know or recognize. And also, a year ago, I was in 2 French classes for my job at a high school and that brought back some inspiration.

What always brings back memories is listening to French sings that the classes listened to and voted on their favorite. I really liked one of them especially ever since I first heard it but didn't know exactly the translation of the lyrics. 

So, last night, I got the translation and its cool because I've listened to the song thousands of times- and still like it, now I know more what they're saying...but prefer the French rather than the English. 

Here are some of the lyrics:

Demain ca ira Song

Demain ca ira

On ne baisee pas les bras

Le soleil se levera

On ne restera pas en bas

Mon ami

L'avenir te tend les bras

Poser des pas

Construire un monde a part

Un nouveau depart

Pour tes droits et tes devoirs

Fond Africa

La route, elle est longue

Et tres difficile

Mais jamais (jamais jamias jamias) baisser le bras

Leve la tete vers le ciel

Et reve encore plus haut

Il y a de l'espoir

Ne vois- tu pas que c'est beau?

Tomorrow it will be good

We wont give up

The sun will rise

We won't stay down

My friend,

The future is reaching its arms out to you

Take a step

Create a separate world

A new beginning

For your rights and responsibilities

Build Africa

The road is long

And very difficult

But never (never never never) lower your arms

Lift your head to the sky

And dream even higher

There is hope

Don't you see how beautiful it is?

Creative Bag

 The original bag I got from my sister for my birthday last year. I've been using it ever since. It's the perfect size to use as a 'bag' as well as a 'purse'. I've gotten complements on it and I think of the beautiful and uniqueness as well, its versatile style as well as eye catching design- unique to where the country it's from. 

I'm a messy person by nature. But I know where everything is, just usually have to dig a little. Maybe it's between my wallet or receipts, in another pocket, or in my Frida Kahlo pouch, its somewhere and more often than not my memory serves me well.

I find this purse/bag to be somewhat symbolic to this year for me. It's brought about newness, growth, creativity and innovation, and something to hold on to more deeply, (my faith) and this purse- holding the straps or placed on my shoulders- there is a quiet boldness of creating, believing, trusting in each and every moment whatever steps life allows me to take. 

A gift from a sister is always special. 

Cafe Stop

 I used to think of the time when I would be free to go to cafes more often and get out of the exhausting rhythm of full-time work and being in a classroom with loud students and an exhausting teacher. 

Rather, when I entered into that 'slow' rhythm and more open time, it wasn't what I thought. I thought I would always be inspired and get some much more work done. It was quite the contrary. 

Though the days were more open without that work schedule, my mind felt cluttered, chaotic, tense. It was wrapped around my limited internship schedule that consumed my thoughts each week, and dare to say, took over my mental inspiration and peace. 

Gone were the days of thinking that it would be 'better'. When instead, I missed so much my former schedule and routine, it hurt. 

A few months later, I was back to thinking to square one, and also just processing the entirety of the semester.  I woke up really early in the middle of December to attend a Pilipino traditional Mass a number of days before Christmas. Afterwards, with the whole morning free, decided to go to a cafe and just study some language, breath and look up some more information on my master's program and field of study. 

It was still the beginning of dwelling into that break time, with everything unexpected, exhausting and just rekindling where I was at in that moment. I was looking forward to a new year ahead and new possibilities! With time, I knew I would refocus again on my last semester of classes and find something that was fulfilling in my schedule. 

Rain Walk

 

I found this picture recently. I don't know what I'm doing, but my sister wanted to take a picture of me while I was lifting the umbrella while we were on our rain walk. It was April 2020.  I don't have those rain boots anymore that were actually more uncomfortable than they looked. 

The rain recently has gotten me down- I think its March itself, it's not yet spring but it's also still declared winter and the weather is unpredictable. 

I like to think I enjoy the rain, and I usually do and like running in it, but the sun and warmer days have really boosted my spirits and make me look forward to what's ahead. 

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I was thinking of my sister recently- that time together on our walk or even other shared times together. That's how I came across this photo, and others. I just wanted to sit and reminisce and live those treasured days again. 

In hard moments, I especially miss them deeply. But then I know God has given me the strength and the grace to continue forward and appreciate them, even if they are in the past. I can tell how much I've grown, called my own without her by my side all the time before she moved away. So much has happened, but then again, I am the same. 

To Be Her

 I wish I could have been her in that moment. She was chopping vegetables in her quaint home with her serious and calm demeanor. She was waiting for her husband to come back, and she wasn't happy with him.

Instead, I had limited time before getting ready for my internship. 

She knows how to make a house a home. To provide a feminine touch to the space.

Most importantly, she knows what it means to be a daughter of God. She knows what it means to trust, to have faith, and to be in love.

She knows what it means to be hurt, to heal, to be broken, and to believe.

She knows what it means to be obedient, and to sacrifice.

To be a daughter of God. 

This is Eden, the wife of one of Jesus' disciples- Simon Peter, represented in the TV series, The Chosen. 

(As I was chopping vegetables (zucchini) a few months ago, it brought me back to that moment.)

Rebuking Discouragement

 I was sitting in the pew during Mass. I felt not necessarily distracted but like a big weight was on me- a weight of a dark cloud and that experience of having no facial expression, but just being, processing, mentally tired, and yes, a dark cloud looming. I couldn't tell if I felt upset, hurt, maybe just confused on how I was feeling. Part of it was stemming from not having enough space to carve out and cultivate creativity in my days. Another passed week of feeling like a rat race. 

But once I heard the priest's homily, I was all ears. It calmed me down, but also put my focus in a different place. I felt like I was being spiritually enriched and enlightened. He really is a good speaker and knows how to claim a point and reiterate it. He was speaking about making a way, recentering our ways, our life as there is something deeper there. This life is not the end, there is another life- eternity ahead. 

He intertwined it with the Gospel of the Samaritan woman at the well and Jesus speaking to her about living water. Jesus recentered her life, her priorities. I really liked what he said how it interplays in our own lives. How on a rainy, cold day we wake up right away when our alarm wakes us up, instead of sleeping in and falling into laziness. There is something deeper there and we are forgoing the easy path. This is what it means to be holy, to strive deeper for holiness, even in little ways. What great reminders! 

The 'darkness' didn't subside until later. Going to an inspiring library helped quite a bit with inspiration and just slowing down my mind. When the priest was speaking, the book that came to me was 'The Genesee Diary' since it has to do with a priest living in monk quarters at a monastery and how he is trying to progress in the spiritual life. 

The priest stated it in his homily that being a monk or a religious used to be seen as the way to holiness. But that's not true- we don't have to close out the world completely to enter and grow in holiness. Now I want to read that book again. 

I think all those thoughts were thoughts of discouragement and lies. They were coming from a place that felt like a heavy place where it was hard to get out of or even think practically and rationally. They also felt rather negative, also another sign of discouragement. I find for me; this can happen soon after going to confession- something else the devil hates.

Waking up this morning, I did not feel this way at all. My thoughts were clear, more positive and like yesterday's heavy cloud never happened. Trying to enter into gratitude, appreciation and beauty for the things around me. The priest this morning talked about miracles, and even waking up and smiling and walking are miracles in themselves. 

Yellow flowers I saw the other day on my walk:)

Reparing the Broken Wing

 I went to bed thinking that maybe I need a creative outlet, something that gives me that dose of energy, inspiration and focus. These past weeks' busyness have gotten to me, and if put into a metaphor I feel like a caged butterfly that just noticed it was stuck because the sky was all foggy and cloudy, ever so tightly like a membrane, that is hard to break and escape. It's like this sense of activity and rush that isn't always bad but can easily lead to burn out and like a broken wing.

So, taking a step back in my schedule from a bird's eye view, and seeing how to incorporate more time for 'rest' and repair. After confession yesterday, I just sat in the church's pew and was praying, but also reflecting upon the week and just wanted to sit and do nothing else. I was catching up mentally, spiritually and slowly the clouds were fading in my mind and could sit there in the present moment.

With the rain continuing to come this week, I think I need to enter into a coffee shop. Not just for my homework assignments and deadlines, but also for my mental sanity and creative outlet. 

I remember feeling the exact same way a year ago- burnt out, and just slowly catching up with my thoughts and slow pace. Hopefully these days are a good reset to work on creative projects, enter more into prayer and Lent and just be.