Michelle Duppong

 I never heard of her until I read a blurb about her in a church bulletin and read that her feast day was on Christmas. She died the same age I was viewing it. I felt compelled and inspired to look up and research more about her. 

Fast forward, almost a year later, and I'm excited to see a documentary about her. It was so interesting, engaging and touching to learn more about her life, her work as a FOCUS missionary and then as the Director of Faith Formation and even just her ordinary life and family and friends speaking about her. She seemed very normal, very cheerful. My mom and I both had tears at the end of the documentary. 

On Christmas Day this past year, I was sick and wasn't able to make it to Mass. I thought of Michelle and felt close to her- she was sick and in bed with cancer for almost a year and died on Christmas Day 2015. This small cross I felt I could connect with her.

 Looking back, I feel she chose me, (as the saying goes, you don't choose the Saint/Blessed etc. they choose you) and feeling inspired and encouraged by her faith, her mission, her service, her joy. Now she is a Servant of God, and on her way to becoming a saint! I want to remember to pray to her often. 

Pouring Forth

 I'm reminded of that time that I was invited to break away. Quite frankly, from everything that felt like it was sucking the life out of me. It truly was a feeling that I hadn't experienced in a while but was profound. Like when Jesus would get away early in the morning and find a quiet place and pray there by himself. Or when He would take someone away from the crowd, the noise, sharp opinions and distractions and heal them. 

That felt like me. I felt far away from the noise, distractions, and the sheer exhaustion of everyday working life, and could breathe fresh air, and see the city and town life down below, and with a large, open sky to speak to my restless heart. I unfortunately, forgot what it felt like to be in nature. 

I didn't realize that God would speak to me so effortlessly in little ways, as well as profound ways. Afterall, I was on a retreat for teens during their confirmation program. It was for them. But so many things hit home for me. For example, the loud, boisterous rainstorm that one night woke me up with the sensation of light piercing through my eyes and into the cabin, and the heavy wind that smacked against the windowpanes while the rain pattered continuously. I wasn't so much afraid, as I was inspired by scripture.

I was recalling the verse from Matthew 7:25 " And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat upon that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock." I also felt like the rain signified so many graces coming forward and being poured down on the parched earth and also felt parched and needed God's graces. 

There was a band that weekend that helped with providing a prayerful atmosphere during adoration, Mass on Sunday as well as learning praise and worship songs throughout the retreat. Though they felt more 'Christian/Protestant' I actually liked them since they were simple and felt meaningful to me and couldn't get them out of my head so on the beautiful drive home, passing the wineries and grape vineyards, I sang those songs from the heart, as well as the rest of the week. I even played one or two of them while I was driving during the week or on my run. It helped savor the special spiritual time from that weekend. 

During adoration one evening, the teens had time to pray and also received and opened their letters from their parents that were a surprise for them. They slowly started to cry, as I'm sure it was so touching for them. I also was crying and had tears in my eyes since I felt so deprived of prayer, of being in front of Our Lord in the Eucharist and realized how much was on my heart and this time of silence and prayer I needed. I read the readings for Mass during this time, and they spoke to me with words coming out and phrases to reflect upon. I didn't expect to be so touched during this time, as well as the teens were (and most of them said that was their favorite part of the retreat). 

The last remaining hours, we were cleaning and packing up. The other girls' cabin found out that they had a mouse scurrying around their cabin, so they came into my cabin with my group of girls so the head person could try and get it out. I don't know if it ever was successful, as I heard him moving bunkbeds while trying to capture the rodent with no success. 

Although it's a tiny mouse, it is fast, sneaky and maybe even smart. It came to my mind that it's like our sins. Maybe one or two sins we think are actually harmless, not a big deal. Like this mouse, how it was small, and could easily hide in a hole in the walls or something, but clearly it was fast, and hard to catch even with all the furniture being arranged differently. In the end, vices aren't that innocent after all and can do more to our souls over time if we're not watchful. 

God spoke to me in little and profound ways on this retreat. I felt so spiritually enriched, renewed and joyful at the end. Tired, yes, but grateful I was able to experience it. 

Morning Thoughts

 This morning, I was thinking of that shirt. It brings back memories from New Year's 2015. My sister and I bought the same shirt, as we loved the gold detailed design at the neck, the cut-out sleeves (cold shoulder), and the quarter sleeves with the same pretty gold design drizzled around the end of the sleeves. The shirt was white, and somewhat see through, so a Cami or tank top was a must. 

I remember wearing this all the time in the new year, though it was definitely a summer shirt, that we found in December, I think while trying to find the perfect outfit for our New Year's Eve event. I remember wearing it under my Kumon sweater at work, and letting the sleeves showcase their gold hue and making a casual look twice as fancy. (And to my mind, somehow making the job a little more interesting.) 

I remember my sister wore this shirt while on her visit to El Salvador with her now husband, which was actually perfect for the humid and tropical weather.  This shirt brought about inspiration, especially entering the new year, and closing out a difficult fall for me as a new student at my university. Fashion always seemed to do that for me. A new piece of clothing here, a new piece of jewelry there, it could make a cloudy, dreary day brighten just what I decided to wear and conjure up. 

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This morning, I was also thinking about Januarys. How the first month of the year is always special, exciting, full with bated breath and new resolutions and goals, crisp as ever like a dewy, chilly morning or an early winter snow glued to Christmas trees. I'm remembering how grateful I am to not be in a brand-new job or looking for one. 

I know how it is to send job application after job application attached with resume and such, and clawing for interviews. Not to mention, the constant unknown, of what would pan out and email exchanges at your side, and the ticking of your bank account needing some more funds. On top of adjusting to a new routine, tasks, coworkers, expectations with the new year just underway and still feeling fresh and new. 

There is of course some excitement and anticipation with it, but in my experiences, both times were rather hard and came out to be pretty awful jobs for me. I'm really glad to be on the other side, yet learned some valuable lessons along the way that have enhanced my learning and growth. 

Bittersweet

 

This year was unlike any other. But then again, what year is exactly like the other? 

-I finished and got my Masters degree

- I did something I've wanted to do for a long time, do a Paint Nite!

-I volunteered with my public library for the Literacy program, (also something I've wanted to do for a while.)

-I went on a road trip down south, all the way to Pasadena with my parents, and saw lots of Missions on the way. :)

-I went on two Confirmation retreats 

- I gained a nephew, and found out I'll have another nephew and niece coming 2025 :)

-I saw 4 movies in theatres (That is very rare, maybe I only see about 1 every other year, depending.)

-I went on a long-distance blind date

-I read 53 books!

-I knitted a scarf

-I attended Jury Duty and actually liked it.

-I went to a woman's ministry group

-I created a Chinese language learning blog:) 

-I got my blood checked for a sugar blood test (which is always hard/scary for me)

- I worked with students again

-I got sick 4 different times

-I got and used the Hallow app

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I wonder what 2025 will bring.  All in God's will.

 Happy New Year!!

Farewell December

 This month has slipped passed me. It is always busy, fluttering with activities, to do's, spiritual enrichment, and desperately seeking vacation. This month was also a fun writing challenge with my sister.

 I didn't succeed too well as the days and weeks got busy or just felt like a blur in the winter fog and tiredness. My inspiration felt like a lull, and barely a creak when I woke up sleepy eyed and not very energized, coffee attempted. 

Somehow, the weeks after Thanksgiving felt the hardest and longest. I love Advent and Christmas time, but it can be rather challenging to set priorities and make time for everything. To feel on time with gifts, spiritually mature and ready for Christ's coming, dodging sickness and the hustle and bustle. There are high expectations that we simply put on ourselves. Sometimes being sick makes us pull back, reflect, recompose and realize what truly matters during this holy season. 

Like this year, I unfortunately wasn't able to go to Christmas Eve/Christmas Day Mass due to feeling sick and under the weather with a low-grade fever and sore throat. I read the scripture readings and sang some Christmas carols to myself in bed. I truly felt plans had changed just like they did for Mary, and Joseph when "there was no room for them in the inn." 

I feel I am finally catching up, to myself, to this holy Christmas season, and the cusp of the new year and reflecting and closing out this one. I'm excited for 2025 and anticipating what God will do this upcoming year. 2024 had a lot of curve balls, hard and anxiety filled moments, emotion and tears, but also spiritual growth, awe, laughter and creative endeavors. 

Last night, I redecorated my room. It was like I had almost forgotten how it feels to create something with my hands, to get in that creative flow and forget about time. Ideas felt limitless. I simply lost sight of all that weighed me down before that made me dry up like a desert inside. It felt evergreen. 

Hello Cozy

 

This is the mini poster I made about a year ago for my internship. A year ago, I completed my final hours for it, and it felt like it would never end. It was like a waterfall, water pouring continuously like a strong storm, and not stopping any time soon. The water crashing in waves with full force, felt like how it was for me, being tossed, and slapped with icy cold sheets. Being relieved and happy that it was all soon to be over were understatements. 

I remember distinctly feeling protected from the remaining hours when the book club at the school ended and I had to drive back to finish my hours at the library. Such drudgery I thought, but I've endured this far.

What actually happened was the librarian who was with me couldn't start her car once exiting the school. It was her car battery. We had to get the school librarian to call a teacher to help us with installing jump cables, and that took up more time. I didn't want to leave her, I mean I would want someone to be with me if my car battery was dead. So that took up a portion of the time, yayy! I thought. 

And with only about an hour in a half left at the library, it wasn't too bad and felt like I knew what to do- fix a book display and organize and put away books, nothing new really. What I didn't know was that there was going to be a surprise party for me since it was my last day. 

The librarian with the car trouble finally came back and told me about this party that wasn't going to happen after all and instead gave me the sparkling cider bottles. I was relieved, with one less awkward thing to endure. God and my guardian angel were protecting me. 

This image of the poster above was actually a mistake one that I didn't use for the display but I printed it out to see how it would look near my cubical like desk. It was hidden in the corner, facing the back parking lot, and then my desk was switched near the clock on the wall. I could always hear it tick, often slowly. I think the only thing I added to the mini poster was a candy cane for the final look. 

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I was walking in the dark, chilly November evening. It didn't feel like Fall anymore, but rather like the heart of winter. I felt like my heart was aching, in pain not from the sheer cold, but from my internship. I was walking passed the Christmas tree that was up and all lit for the holiday festivities, but it didn't feel like it. 

I was ruminating on the uncomfortableness of it all- what the librarian said to me, as we were sitting right next to each other at our desks. 'That's bizarre' is all that I had ringing in my head. Almost trying to laugh, or let out a sigh, a breath that was suffocated for far too long inside me while walking past the shimmering lights and glass ornaments in the tall tree. The icy, cold air could taste my breath as it was lit. 

I was hurt, annoyed, confused. 'That's bizarre' she said about my idea for a book display that sounded ridiculous, yet in my mind she said I could do whatever I wanted, she was open. I interpreted it as literally anything. 

I'll admit, the idea wasn't holiday or Christmas inspired or even the typical winter themed display you'd naturally think of for December. Instead, I chose U.S. Presidents, and I found a lot of books about Presidents so it should have been pretty easy. But 'That's bizarre' kept echoing in my head. 

Why does everything have to feel so hard and unnatural for me? I thought, as I was brisk walking to get away, to go to my car, to think, to be free. To do anything but spend any extra minute than what was unnecessary inside there. 

It was the feast of St. Andrew, and my mom was having another surgery for her cancer. I would have dinner alone that night. I tried to let it dissipate into the icy air and be sent to God like incense, taken away from me, to regain my peace, on the few eves before Advent. 

Make Room

 

I've had this notebook for 7 years. It's actually a ripped-out page inside that I liked, and perfect for the Advent season. The notebook is actually a devotional for Advent that I used those years ago. Why have I kept it? Because if you're anything like me, I find a need or think that there may be a need in the future. 

Last year I did use it since the days and timing of Advent synced exactly as it did in this notebook. Glad I kept it; I thought to myself. 

This quote from Our Lady depicted in the Gospel of Luke 1:38, surrounds the Advent season, and prior as emulating Mary being obedient, willing, and in love with God's will, fully open and receptive to His will. Without it, we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas. We wouldn't be blessed with Jesus' human presence on earth. 

So, it's the first Sunday of Advent. A new liturgical year and season. What grace bestows and waits for us, this year, this season, this Advent, and Christmas. 

I'm currently listening to Casting Crows- 'Make Room' and stumbled upon it last year right before Christmas day, busy wrapping presents. The song gave me such peace and contentment amidst cutting, taping, organizing and knowing it would be a different and quieter Christmas.

 It still gives me this peaceful stillness, hope and a warm invitation. "Is there room in your heart? Is there room in your heart for God to write His story?" Mary did just that, and it's for us to make space, room for God in our lives and especially in preparation for Christmas. 

Looking at Gratitude

 Thanksgiving. A word we use often, but a holiday that comes once a year. Thanksgiving, full of meaning, imbued with gratitude, receiving and reflection. A time to pause, to consider all that we have been given and blessed with. In the Mass, the word 'Eucharist' -Jesus' body, means Thanksgiving. 

I came to think of a card I received earlier this year- in response to a 'thanksgiving' message. The people (or person) from my internship meaning to thank me for my time at the library. The front of the card was decked out in fall decor, namely a shape of a leaf with orange glitter inside. I ended my internship in late Fall last year (early December), so it was fitting, even if I received the card a bit later once the new year had already started. 

It may seem strange to be thankful for something that was painful or hard. However, we can learn a lot about ourselves and grow in significant ways when this happens. Also, we can become closer to God and grow deeper in our faith. My internship was one of these times, and parts of this year too. 

I think of the year in a general sense, scanning the calendar year like a children's picture book. But what I miss are the details, it could be the colorful drawings, the characters, the humor, the main message, etc. I've done the same for this year of 2024. I've overlooked major pieces. The good, the many blessings and graces, the beautiful, glorious, funny, and inspired times; they're still there too, all wrapped up in God's book, God's story. I just need to remind myself of them a bit more, a bit longer.

And what helps with doing this is going through photos. This week, I 've been saving photos from this year and a few years past to eventually print out. That's when the beauty comes in full view of what happened, what has happened, and sheer proof of it. It could be simple like a beautiful flower, or a family photo or a milestone event like my Master's graduation. They are all big and purposeful in the eyes of God. 

There is something sweet that comes from crosses, in which God shows you not only a sense of personal or spiritual growth, but also a piece of His cross that becomes joy.

Mission San Juan Bautista in February

Right outside Mission San Buenaventura in July

Hunger Games

 It seems I associate this book with a certain time in my life. It comes back to me like a strong sense of smell hitting my olfactory bulb, yet it's my memory instead that has carved out Fall 2012 like a heart in a tree. I recall all the memories coming back to me of where I was, my schedule, and who I was friends with second year into Junior College. I had borrowed this book from a friend in student government, and it was all the rage. 

'The Hunger Games' is what I am referring to, and the students at my school are starting to read it so I'm reading it along with them. I've seen the movie of course when it came out but have forgotten some of the details. 

Upon reading this book again after a little over a decade, I recall what I learned from a spiritual talk I went to recently. One of the ways the evil one gets control, the speaker declared and has influence is through government. Think of Communism, Nazism, etc... These were all purely evil (do those words cancel each other out?). 

With the book, 'The Hunger Games', I realize even more so a corrupt and vicious government only seeking selfish gains, or worse, pure torture for its citizens speaks to this fact and nature of the fallen angel's influence. Of course, it's a work of fiction, but it questions the role of government and what is good entertainment versus entertainment to another's harm or worse, death. 

This book is entertaining, hooking you from the beginning, with a dystopian feel. Written in first person from the main character, Katniss' s perspective, she's also seen as a heroine, a rebel, a nonconformist to the rules of how future North America, now called Panem dictates and rules their citizens with the hunger games. I remember I had a classmate in Math that year who would always say the line from Hunger Games or write it at the end of her emails- 'May the odds be ever in your favor'.

Various things come back to me reading this book again. It's not a classic by any sense of the word, but it's picked to read for the students, and with it for me at least. wrapped up with all the things I've learned and grown all these years in between. 

God Saw It All

 Making a visit like we always do brings back our daily ritual from when we were in high school. Though the time spent at the old church that exudes peace, quiet, stirrings of young adult memories and Christmas Mass, and many rosaries is closer still. God saw that and was appreciative, even smiled. Reliving the old days, and even recent past years of going to a Starbucks, and not usually talking too much but working or reading, writing, or even consciously wondering deep down where our lives were headed and where God was calling us to on our paths. 

She would be working on her credential work or studying for tests, and I would be studying in my own way- languages, reading and jotting down notes, putting my thoughts and feelings down with the pen doing cursive like loops on the paper and having no rush at all.  

But this time, there were no distractions. No work to be done. No computers to block our view of each other or screens to indulge in. We were sitting in the exact same seats as we were on that dreary, wet March 2020, stumbling to grasp the news of Covid-19 and the ominous feeling of it all. I remember it well. All we had today though were the drinks in front of us, and the memories and the eagerness and desire to catch up in real life, and even go back a few months to get back on track.

What happened a few months ago? Did I ever tell you this?, or what I was feeling or going through?  Where to start when life seems to stop, or barely pause for its own breath, when you're trying to do the same with your sweet sister. Maybe, just maybe the baby in her womb could hear our breaths, time stop and just listen and talk, and laughs on repeat. 

Old Carpet, New Carpet

 The smell of the new carpet not only makes the room appear bigger but also feels fresh and clean. We haven't had new carpet since I was in middle school. I remember it was in summertime.

All we could see were the wooden floor and panels, as the old and weathered brown carpet peeled off its memories before the pink carpet was placed. It was like it was naked, and some of my sisters and I were dancing to John Mayer, and I could hear the wood creak a little. It was fun to dance on wood. 

Life was simple, it was either before or the summer after my oldest sister got married. We were listening to a CD my sisters had burned, and I don't know why John Mayer comes to mind, with specifically his lyrics, 'So much sacred in the month of June.' 

Now I look back and think about how that pinkish rose carpet has served us through all the events, holidays, gatherings, cat paws roaming and scratching, babies crawling and being changed, chats and conversation, listening and singing and piano playing. Surprise stains that wouldn't come off from Thanksgiving or Christmas meals, or muddy shoes.

 I walk in the door, and it smells fresh, and brand new.