With Flowers

Lady with flowers. I decided to wear my tulip pants today, on my birthday. I would walk with tulips that I picked up from work that a teacher was giving away a bountiful of. I would carry this bouquet, mostly tulips to a few classes, and then put them in my car upon my lunch break. 

It felt like a symbol of hope, beauty, and inspiration. It felt like a little beauty was added to a dreary day and campus, just another day at work was suddenly brightened with holding flowers :). I even felt more feminine.

 I wanted to wear my pants that have tulips on them since it's a reminder of a new yeah ahead. Hope is alive and there is more to come- learning, growth, adventure, and most importantly following Christ and becoming holy. There's something special about being the same age as Jesus when he accomplished his mission on earth. 

Upon a little bit of research, tulips are symbols of new beginnings:)

Something New

 "Behold, I am making something new." -Isaiah 44:19

This scripture verse reminds me of 2020, so much growth and various new things and challenges. One of them included saying goodbye to Pastor Fr. Lawerence. That was sad and difficult during the beginning of the pandemic. But I didn't know I would be feeling enriched at another parish later that year, and by another pastor, Fr. Carl. And now he will be transitioned to another parish. God is always doing something new, even if we don't know it yet, it is happening. I can see that for myself these past 5 years. 

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As I was on my walk yesterday, I was looking at the greenery of the trees. Peeking inside them there was depth, branches, peacefulness, stillness and some darkness. Inside of this greenery it was hidden, until you stopped and looked closer. Upon the green shrubs were pine needles from the tree, green leaves and even cobwebs. 

It made me think, sometimes that happens to us. We don't appreciate or clear away the attitude of 'cobwebs' or 'ordinariness'. In this liturgical season of ordinary time, God is working, doing something. There is fruit, goodness, and beauty, though sometimes, you have to peek through to get more of a glimpse and appreciate that simplicity and stillness. 

Rental Cars Remind Me of My Uncle

 For the past week, I've been driving a rental car. My car has been in the shop getting repaired, and I've been driving what basically feels like a brand-new car, a very updated version of mine. The AC goes on quickly and is strong during these hot days, the safety features are really nice with screen display while backing out, as well as how many miles can go with gas tank, the audio and music system is convenient to use, and the driving is smooth and quiet. The bright blue color wasn't my favorite but have forgotten about the eclectic color. Though, the tinted window fade is something I wish my car had.

Why am I writing all about a new car, especially when I'm not really into cars? And, considering it's a short amount of time that I'm renting it. Well, driving this new, dare I say, even fancy car, reminds me of my uncle. Every time he visits, he drives a rental car, and usually his visits were/are in summertime. I've been thinking of him and particularly one summer a number of years ago now. 

It was the summer I had graduated high school and would be entering Junior College. He was driving my brother and me around, and we happened to either make a stop at a nearby church for Mass or something, since we were parked in the parking lot. I remember asking him what made him know he was called to be a religious brother. At the time, I found his answer to my question interesting, as I didn't fully understand it at the time. 

In a nutshell, I remember him saying back when he was late teens or early 20's he had had a girlfriend, but something didn't feel to be going right interiorly with him. He felt called more to pursue another path, which was religious life. I remember my 19-year-old self, trying to grapple with knowing a strong feeling, response or even push from God and what that would look like. I certainly hadn't encountered that (yet) in my own life. He was so sure, so certain about not continuing the relationship, or even marriage. 

I think it was around that same time, my brother took the bus with me on a summer afternoon, to help me figure out the route for my new school- one where I would be taking the bus to BART, and then from there picking up another bus on the back side of the BART station where the buses were. It was all new, a bit scary and daunting, but also exciting. It was nice to have my brother with me to help me figure out the logistics, and then from there, our uncle picked us up in his rental car from a bus stop, maybe to say goodbye, or before he had to leave. It was a summer of transition and anticipation of what was ahead, with new opportunities and entering a whole new season of college. 

Rental cars remind me of my uncle.

The (Dry) Well

 It started with a well. Last summer, I was on a road trip with my parents, and we saw various places and missions, one of them was San Luis Obispo Mission. As we were viewing the church and the grounds, I came across a prayer card to St. Joseph. There was just one near the door, and I happened to lose or misplace mine, perfect to find one I could use.

As I was walking outdoors to the grounds, I saw a well. It wasn't in use, but perhaps it was once before. It was pretty and interesting to look at and the plants nearby. I had a deep interior thought and confidence that if I prayed this prayer on the St. Joseph prayer card, I would land a job (which I was desperately searching for and needing). 

This well became a symbol throughout the whole school year, as eventually I did get a job after some responses back, interviews that the Holy Spirit led me to the right one. The school was called Wells, and I couldn't deny the symbolism from the Mission, but also what would succumb to this new season. 

It very often felt like I was digging in the 'well' and trying to be innovative with what I had and what was given to me. In my mind's eye, I thought a well had life, water and nutrients. The season or well, if you will, that I was in felt very dry, monotonous and challenging. The water wasn't overflowing and moving, but rather parched, still and stagnant. There was something wrong, where was the life, the nutrients, the refreshment?

Day in and day out in this job felt rather similar. Of course, there were better and more freeing days than others, yet it all was a learning and growing season. One of the moments of reflection with water and the well was when I would fill up my water bottle on campus. I would try to think of Jesus and the woman at the well. 

I think one of the growths was recognizing that though I was digging hard, finding life and nutrients in this well may have looked differently than I expected it to and may also come later on. Sometimes we see the fruit of various seasons, especially hard ones and appreciate them much more in the future and see more of the graces and what God was doing than in the moment. 

A dry well is a beautiful well, since that's when you really stop and look to see if there is water, and how deep do you need to go; how deep, and then life will spring forth on its own time. 

Last Day of School

 The papers from the large recycling bin were flying everywhere from the wind, as I walked across campus on the last day of school. It felt like God, the Holy Spirit guiding, leading the way, all the memories and hard parts being erased. All the papers, intentions scattered throughout the campus, and all the deeper thoughts, feelings, wishes, spread, let go, freedom. 

The Holy Spirit guided me to this job. I felt such a deep sense of peace, joy and reassurance. God had a way of folding this into His plan when part of my internship was here, and I felt it strongly, undeniably, painfully and saddened I was no longer at a school, with students. 

I've clung and held onto that experience whenever I would walk by that area on campus, outside the library in a hallway. Boy, how long ago that felt, but I sensed the Holy Spirit called me here for some reason. A reason that I myself am not fully sure, especially since it was a very, very long school year, hard in some nontypical ways. 

But I also see it looking back on this journey, that God led me back to the desires on my heart, to be at a school again and with students. It was nothing like my prior experience at a school, and I think that was one of the disappointments, where my expectations and assumptions weren't met. 

On that last day of school, I passed by one of the first people I encountered during that internship time. I was in this teacher's class for a few short months this school year, and he was the teacher who was available to help with a librarian's car battery. He was a science teacher, and I felt uncomfortable and not warm or friendly vibes while in his class. It felt like beginning and the end came together as we walked passed each other, and the papers kept flowing in the wind, and it was the start of a new chapter. 

Confirmation Mass and Memories

 Going to the Confirmation Mass for the teens I had been with for 2 years in their program brought me to so many places in my memory. It wasn't just the official sacrament for them and receiving the Holy Spirit, but I felt that I was recalling so many other occasions in this same church. 

Just 3 years ago, my brother and sister-in-law's wedding, a beautiful day and being part of the wedding part was special and busy. Thinking about all the times my sweet sister and I attended Sunday Mass there together, and sometimes going on outings afterwards-cafe, hiking, shopping or simply talking in the car and sharing out thoughts and feelings, our unique season in life. 

I also remember well the dear pastor who I would frequently go to Confession to and helped me in my prayer and spiritual life and was a deep comfort and source of spiritual fatherhood in those hard seasons. Also, sometimes the former young adult ministry would attend Mass there on Sundays and brunch afterwards. 

So many recollections, memories and even nostalgia, all part of my young adulthood journey. I even thought about my own Confirmation (though at a different parish)- choosing my saint name (St. Maria Goretti) and sponsor (one of my dear sisters.) And now, having been assisting with the Teen Confirmation program, it's been its own journey of guiding these teens, as well as learning along the way, yet truly being guided by the Holy Spirit. 

It was something I never considered helping out with before, however, Summer of 2023, I had a big desire on my heart to share my faith and help others in this way. I also helped volunteer once with my mom for boxing food with the church and it was in the same area as confirmation would be held- only 4 months later that I would be doing that, little did I know. 

There were many signs and praying for discernment when a call and opening came up to help out with this program, in a dry season, a difficult season. I'm so glad I listened and went through with it, even though I didn't know everything at the time, it worked out itself. God worked it out, and it was seamless. 

Morning Traffic, Morning Thoughts

 I was driving around the other day, not lost but rather stuck in heavy traffic. I would be late to work. I knew that, but honestly it felt like it didn't matter as I didn't do much in that first class, or much at all it seemed throughout the day, as most days I felt like I was just 'getting through it.' 

I wasn't panicking, but more just annoyed or even frustrated. I had attempted to wake up earlier in order to try to make it to confession that morning, but alas, the line was too long with not enough time for me, and I got there a little later than I had initially wanted. Drained, tired was already what I was feeling for the beginning of a new day, and not quite Friday. 

As I was getting off the freeway traffic, I stumbled upon side streets and the hills, and cars going every which way to work, trucks chugging through, and the hillsides, beauty and calm, peace. I prayed to my guardian angel to help me find a way back or beat the traffic somehow. I happened to see across the way my alma mater in the distance, my Junior College, and decided to go that way, into the side streets beaming with memories and former carefree and younger days that feel like ages ago now, like butter already melted and evaporated in a pan before the eggs crack open. 

Back on the freeway I went, and though this time there was still traffic that felt slow, it wasn't as slow as molasses in January. It continued only for a little while and then everything was clear. I guess I should have waited instead of taking time to get back on, I thought.

I felt that God was with me in that moment, like He always is. Taking care of everything, and knowing my true desires, frustrations and burnt-out feelings. Feeling more ready for the next season but also wondering what it will be like. Just like those hillsides, God is there, God is watching, and He instills peace and calm. 

Nothing Like Motherhood

 I can't help but think about a year ago, finishing out my program completely with my last class, assignments and blog post. I was at a Starbucks submitting my last pieces of writing, commenting- it all felt very surreal, somewhat bittersweet but also exciting. 

In that moment, my thoughts hadn't caught up yet. I knew Our Lady was watching over me, as I had finished on the feast day of Our Lady of Fatima. I had gotten sick, so couldn't finish out the last two days at my horrible job, but honestly, I felt it was God's protection. 

I'm also thinking about last week. But somehow, it feels like a blur in someways, and in others I'm just in awe. I'm in awe of motherhood and how much it takes energy wise, but also love, wisdom, planning, sacrifice, sacrifice, and some more sacrifice. These are just some of the words of how I can describe it. 

Last week, I was helping out with my sister's children. My mom and I were staying over and helping out while she was welcoming her baby boy. I realized the intensity of motherhood, the rewards, the giving, and the exhaustion in ways I haven't fully experienced before with my nieces and nephews. 

It was a gift to experience, and it put me in a whole other world and dimension. One so strong where I literally forgot about my outside life, it wasn't merely as important or busy. I would think of my dear sister and ask myself, how does she do it? Day after day? Now I can understand it better, the hard, the good, and enduring it throughout the day. The days can feel fast or long depending on various factors. I also thought of Our Lady and her motherhood to Jesus, and the different demands.

I felt blessed, the one where my niece and nephews feel comfortable with me, and comforting them in their time of pain, tiredness, tears, frustration, laughter, joy. My sweet nephew utterly distraught about hurting his small toe outside and comforting and consoling him to calm his cries and sobs down and talking him through it. Or when he woke up twice in 2 days in the middle of the early morning or night due to a nightmare. And in my exhaustion, just holding and rocking him and whispering comforting words, or saying a hail Mary or two. What sacrifice, but what beauty, to still a young child in their fears, and to know that God does the same for us. 

And holding and meeting my newest nephew for the first time was such a miracle, so special. He is so precious and adorable. There is just something so miraculous about holding a baby, a newborn. It feels as though time stops, and joy and wonder overflow. 

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I would hear the crickets in the dusk and nighttime. It felt like summer, the very hot days melting into the cool night sky. I could be still with my thoughts on the comfy couch if my sister and brother-in-law and where I would be sleeping each night. It was comfortable and I slept well. I wanted to write some of those nights, but I didn't have the mental capacity to sift through the day or describe, though I wanted to, not sure how to articulate. My inspiration was lower, but I would try again the next night. 

 But what I experienced was special, and looking back on the day felt bittersweet- another day over, even if it felt longer or quicker, we got through it, and to savor those precious moments and the intensity of some moments. A unique feeling all its own. I would read some books, do some Russian study for my language course, check my email. Another day was approaching, and I needed to be well rested, I thought, as I would hear the crickets singing outside the window. 

Taking Notice

 I was trying to focus and be in the present and look all around me and see beauty. Today, I noticed flowers. Something that may seem ordinary but so beautiful, especially in this blooming springtime. I think this noticing also comes with intentional noticing and gratitude. 

When our mind is preoccupied with many things, it's hard to see the good, and beautiful around us, no matter how simple. Gratitude comes in when we thank God for the wonderful gifts and blessings we have and immediately it shifts our mindset and focus to be more positive. 

That's what I was thinking of this morning, thanking God for making a way for me to work at a school again, with students, close to home and that big desire being met knowing I was meant to work here, even though it's been quite a challenging school year. 

Little things like this can really make a great start to the day. 

History class- Renaissance decor

Bright flowers on lunch break

Alter flowers after adoration

Crumbs From the Cake

 I was thinking about that time when I met up with my dear sister in February. It was President's Day, and it felt long overdue. I remember the morning to be kind of cloudy and gloomy. We went to a cake place, but also a cafe. I saw displays of these cakes and models of them on the wall. We also went to a nice brunch spot called 'Crumbs' a month later. We wanted to go there for a long time, but it was always crowded. 

It made me think, cakes are made up of crumbs. Life is made up of small moments. Friendship is made up of shared moments, laughter, vulnerability, conversation, time spent. And cakes are a symbol of celebration. It always feels like a celebration when we meetup, talk, share and are in one another's presence. 

Those cakes on the wall reminded me of goodness, joy, gratitude. In the moment, I didn't really feel like that as it was a challenging time and like a winter slump. 

I want to see more of the goodness around me and not just the crumbs that go by each day. 

Scripture and Gardens

 "So, you find in our Jesus a personality that's so unique. He acts the same way with you and me. When He doesn't answer our prayers, He lets us hunger a day. When He doesn't do what we desire, He lets us hunger a second day. And when we're dissatisfied with His will, He makes us wait a third day in hunger and thirst until the time comes when He decides He has to help us." - Mother Angelica

I was reading this book by Mother Angelica about the Bible and scripture. It was very eye opening, inspiring and enriching. It was a different way of looking at scripture, meditating, understanding and imagining. I 've learned that's what we have to do, imagine the scene as if you were there. 

I really like how Mother Angelica writes and asks these questions to ourselves and what we would be thinking and experiencing, forming this prayer, this closeness with Jesus, with the living word of God. 

I feel it's taken a back seat in my life. To be still, to really pray and be attentive to God's word. Somehow, the beginning of the Easter season you forget that it's the most beautiful, joyful, glorious time, or at least its aimed to be. That's where prayer and scripture come in, to go back into God's word, and more time -sifting through it. 

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I've been thinking of a garden. The vision of a garden came to me throughout Lent. When I would see flowers in a chapel, I would think of a garden and visiting Jesus among plants and flowers. 

When I was on a run sometime last week, I passed by a house that always reminds me of a garden. It has overflowed plants and some wildflowers in front, it looks unkept but mysterious. It has a gate that secures the walkway, definitely like a mysterious and glorious garden enclosed.

 I feel there are a number of scriptures that pertain to this.

And also relating to gardens, I hadn't realized or paid attention that Jesus was buried in a garden on Good Friday. I guess it makes sense since Mary Magdalen thought he was the gardener when she went to the tomb on Easter morning. 

And also, going back to the Garden of Eden where God formed Adam and Eve and the fall of humankind and then the Garden of Gethsemane where Jesus was in anguish and sweated blood on Holy Thursday. We can find God in a garden. St. Faustina in her diary mentions seeing Jesus while she is walking in a garden, so beautiful. Now with Easter joy, a garden of graces, and blessings, abundant with lilies.