A Sense of Comfort

I have known for a while that I am a comfort seeking person. I need comfort in my life to keep me unstressed, to know that everything will be okay, and to not loose my mental balance. Comfort in a listening ear, a reassuring word, a caring touch- these are some ways that comfort speaks to me and I'm sure many other people as well. But comfort shows up and speaks to me in other ways as well, perhaps even at a deeper and connecting type of way.

Just recently, I was thinking this whole comfort thing over and began to see a couple of different things that connected with me and helped reaffirm that I need things, ideas or people that I can connect with on a deeper level that give me this 'comfort.'

I read a book by an awesome priest writer, and this book was more like a journal. It had the day of the week and the date and a long or semi-short synopsis of his feelings, thoughts, observations like prayer words and thoughts that all spiraled and formed this book. This was the third spiritual reading book I have read by him, and I was impressed by his ways with words, descriptions of interior life whether that be issues, resolutions or a mix. Gliding through his entries made me feel more connected with myself since I know that I could connect with how described various things, and it consoled me and gave me a sense of comfort.

Yesterday, I was going through a new and favorite art and spiritual book I received from Christmas from my dear sister. It has beautiful pictures, paintings, reflections and psalms and the book is divided into the four seasons. I want to know, reflect upon and memorize more psalms and so I have been taking notes on the psalms listed. This book, its many artistic facets is inspiring and comforting to me, and helps me connect deeper with my faith.

Although I'm not a big bake lover, I enjoy watching others bake and the process, the art, the messiness, and the preciseness of it all. I wouldn't consider myself a great baker (yet). I quadruple check the ingredient servings, I shake while measuring salt, any sweet liquids and I'm as slow as a turtle. Maybe that's why I thoroughly enjoy watching the Great British Baking Show. Viewing bakers from all backgrounds who are British and see them in this non competitive like competition. The show is now down to the final three, and I've had my favorite ever since the beginning of the episode. I sensed that I could connect with her. Her demeanor, and personality made me not feel so alone in that I too could be like that- seem more shy or quiet or even hard on myself, to be fearless and believe in yourself.
 I find this talented baker, Ruby to keep things interesting; she really just knows how to be herself.  Even when things weren't going her way, she would admit it and try to appear calm and even if her result didn't look the best, she made it become the best since she made it her own. She is usually or almost always hard on herself and sometimes even surprises herself when she did a lot better than she thought and smiles big. I've been rooting for her to win and didn't want her to get off. Ruby gave me comfort with myself to keep pursuing my passions even if it's hard or I don't see any progress. It's inspiring to see her come this far and prove her talent on this baking show.

Candy is one of my students. Her personality can be bold, silly, loud, hardworking and attentive. Her English name is Candy and I can connect with her name because I like eating sweets. I enjoy teaching her English and being in her presence because she is naturally an interesting person. She can be high energy at times and go on tangents and she can also be really engaged and enjoy my lessons. She also loves to read and appears to be the non-conventional type. She'd rather read a book in her room than go to a Middle School dance. She likes to learn and has ambition to open her own business when she is older. Her Chinese name was the same as my Chinese name when I was in College and minoring in Chinese language. I know it's still a part of me because when her Mom calls her name, Menglin then I also look but soon realize she's no talking to me. I am not super neat or organized with my notes and lesson assignments, and she too finds random and out of order pages to take notes in her notebook. I feel a sense of comfort and reassurance about myself every time I am with Candy.

Lessons Tied Up in Bow

"Your greatest lessons in faith are often learned in the dark." This was the my spiritual quote of the day from yesterday that I read each day, and try to think about more in reflection. It got me thinking about all the times I spent alone in college and how they all felt lonely, painfully so. I felt in the dark, not sure where to go to feel more part of my college campus, more tied to the people, campus events or clubs. Or perhaps my major or minor which were incredibly small and difficult to create connections in. Yep, another day that I was alone, and headed again to the library to read my book, study language, and talk with my sister~ really anything that gave me some sort of energy or inspiration while inside my disconnected cocoon or library cubby.

I really did feel in the dark, not sure where to turn to make my situation and the perspective behind my situation better and so gloomy. I put myself out there in ways that were a little at a time, going to a Student Government Event, trying out the Newman Center, and the Toast Masters club. Even if I felt like I didn't succeed in these things because I wasn't receiving the results I had hoped I would, in hindsight, I feel that I did at least try and make an effort. I could have done more if I was brave enough, and stepped another ring outside my comfort circle, but I at least tested the waters.

My lessons that I learned in the moment were fuzzy and gray, and it was difficult to keep up hope. To me it was all trial and error over and over again. I felt like I had a 0% success rate. But again, looking back I think I really only succeeded because it made me stronger and learn how to persevere.

Last Spring, I read a really cool book about the Olympic Gold Medalist swimmer, Missy Franklin, written by her. There was a quote that I had to write down because it connected with me so much at the time and helped me with faith and seeking the good even in times of hardships and trials. "I am so happy you are going through such a challenging time, because that means God is going to do incredible things in your life, and he is working through you right now, in ways you cannot yet know." This was said by a man on a plane seated next to her after they had been talking. I resonated with this, and it gave me divine hope!

Another quote that awakened my memory of my trials that started to shine bright, positive light on them was a quote from a blogger and/artist whom I admire. "So much of what I share here was learned through seasons never affirmed by social media and joys and tears no one ever saw through little squares.  The truths we learn in secret will ultimately speak the loudest in public. Our stories are written in the mystery of God's faithful timing." I could deeply connect with what was voiced here. There were so many tears, frustrations, and uncertainties that pinned me down and got me down, and how much I have learned and gained from it all!

And finally, another quote from a favorite YouTube women empower-er speaker that also hit home for me. "I've heard many times about how God is always with me, but for some reason when she said this it stuck in college when I was painfully lonely...all the times where I just wanted someone to acknowledge my existence, to be important to someone, anyone. And it really is an incredible thing-God was always there. There has not been a moment when He has taken his gaze off me. God is right there with you. He is paying attention to you, noticing your every movement, walking with you whether you are in a season of painful loneliness or incredible joy. You are not alone. You are never alone."
Wow, all the days and times when I felt sooo alone and really just needed some consolation, connection, something , and I had it all with me since God has never left me, and was with me in all those times. All those times, and he continues to still be there for me. What a great lesson.

Making Patterns

This picture was taken a year ago. I started my Arabic course a year ago, and it's funny and weird to reflect upon this 365 days later. I haven't been at this particular Starbucks since but I have had my share of good, productive and inspiring times at other Starbucks locations. I've learned in ways that were not solely academic, and were definitely far from fun or easy in 2017.

In this picture, I am studying for a Social Justice Philosophy class, and getting mentally ready for my first day of Arabic class. I went to a yarn shop that day with my mom, and the lady who owns the shop and who we were talking with had a couple of different pieces of knits on her and around her neck. I didn't knit at all last year, and have only just recently picked it up again. It feels nice to make progress and visually see and touch the yarn and the needles as they glide together and form pretty patterns. Language isn't like that. It's difficult to see the progress and visualize all the steps I'm making. But in the end, it is like knitting because it does make beautiful sounds and can form beautiful meanings that are woven in with the sounds and words. I couldn't see the progress I was making internally, only God could.

I was so over being a student last year, and starting up again this month with classes and homework and passing interactions, I don't see it as bad as I once did. I thought I would miss my volunteer experience terribly because I am now going to school 4 days a week. However, I'm surprised to spell it out that this is not the case. I've learned over time that adaptability is one of my strengths, and when I'm in a certain environment I hone in on it, and everything seems to be focused on the environment that I am in, and it becomes fuzzy thinking about another.

Although it's been 365 days, there have been many notes taken, miles driven, mochas and lattes sipped, books read and many other activities and events. A year ago isn't so fuzzy to me now, it's actually fairly clear. 2018 has been very good so far, and I'm grateful it hasn't been as emotionally draining so far either. I'm glad I'm taking up knitting again and continuing on with Arabic at my own speed and style. I think I've learned patterns for both, and how vocabulary builds upon vocabulary and yarn upon yarn. I've followed a pattern whenever I've needed a dose of inspiration, I can always get it from a coffee shop and spill into what I'm doing. Cheers to a new year, with new ideas and a bright hope!

Following Another Way

As this year of 2017 comes to a close, I can't help but reflect upon it and recall the blessings, the very real challenges and all the growing pains involved with it. I have very special memories from last year's New Years Eve. I was on a road trip with my dear sister and brother-in-law to see some of the missions. It was a needed break from the busyness of Christmas and also a nice way to spend the end of the year and the start of a new one. 

While on my walk/run this afternoon, I couldn't help but put the words of Shania Twain's oldie song 'Gonna Getcha Good' into a like metaphor of my own experience. She eagerly declares, 'Don't wantcha for the weekend, don't wantcha for a night, I'm only interested if I can have you for life.' I remember feeling strongly this way to a certain degree about our local mailman, and just craving a connection with someone and so I moved towards the USPS carrier's way and very much hoped something could be made of it. Nothing did, and the attachment of it all was very hard and letting go of what I wanted and had made up in my head wasn't easy at all.

These same lyrics from Shania also reminded me of God's own desire of pursuing us, and wanting us to develop a closer relationship with him. He doesn't just want us for a night, or a weekend, but for life. He is the one who is eager to 'get us while he's got us in sight, and if it takes all night..'

I enjoyed being in Santa Barbara last year on NYE and eating at a Thai restaurant, and contemplating the year and excited to see what's ahead. I'm glad that I can just relax and be at home this year, and reflect on this full year- so much happened, and in the end it's all a blessing. God has a great plan for us in 2018, and as Shania says as clear as day, 'I've already planned it-here's how it's gonna be..'
Happy New Year!!:):)

Winter Inspiration

Finding the FA LA LA LA this time of year a year ago wasn't easy. The joy of Advent and peace of preparing for Christmas was not present in me and it was very difficult to conquer. The Winter blues had hit hard and they weren't going away. My memory of good times and extreme hard ones don't seem to fade away easily, so I'm left with reflection and learning more about myself through the past.

A year ago, I had cried myself to sleep, angry, frustrated and feeling a lack of hope with not having what I needed and so desperately going back to it and asking God and craving it like a child would crave a chocolate bar or something like that. I woke up the next morning with heavy and puffy eyelids, still sad and frustrated, yet trying to pave the way for the silver lining. I had a chiropractor appointment that morning and I wasn't thoroughly looking forward to it, mainly because it was not the best day for it- emotionally and mentally speaking. Rushing out the door, trying to look like I hadn't cried so hard less than 12 hrs ago wasn't very successful, but I went anyways and trying not to let it matter to me so much.

If you're anything like me, I really dislike doctor offices, and anything medical really and also anything I have to fill out a lot of paper work for( hence medical). Being 24 was a very rough age for me, and this just reconfirmed that. Not knowing my place in the world, yet, still a student, but not knowing what the next step will be...all very challenging and scary things and also all very solo figuring out. The receptionist lady who looked about my age or younger asked if I was happy it was Friday. In all honesty, it didn't really matter to me since I wasn't working a full time job, and just finished finals and figuring out my emotions, life and such.

The doctor who saw me asked me some questions regarding my back and did some tests. I got some cracks out in my neck and back, my neck especially. I wasn't inclined to go back though, I felt I could figure out other solutions for my back, and felt rather uncomfortable with the whole set up of the place, and the puffy eyes, sweaty shirt and messy hair didn't help much either. I was told at the end that my mascara smeared and black stuff was under my eyes, which made me feel like a 6 year old, and questioning why I put on the non water proof mascara this time.

What cheered me up was the new movie that has just come out and my mom and I were going to see. La La Land had gotten great reviews and I was excited to see it. From the excerpt, it sounded like it had a mix of classic old times and modern and hip vibes. I really enjoyed the movie, the score, the acting, the story line, all the bright colors and all the dance moves. It was creative, classy and original which is super hard to find these days in the movie world.

My FA LA LA LA was found in the film, La La Land. My inspiration was tuned into Emma Stone's quirky character and witty remarks and Ryan Gosling's piano playing and smooth dance moves. The film had lifted my spirits enough to feel hope, and comfort through what I was going through then.

December was a hard and emotional month last year, and so were the months to come. It felt like the pain lingered on with Winter. The bare trees were symbolic for the internal desert that resided within me. Looking back, it's very interesting to recall all of these feelings, emotions and memories. I can feel and see how much I've grown with suffering times that seemed to have no expiration date or even at times no reason, the tears would just come without notice.

In contrast, this Advent season has been a nice one in the sense of no heavy tears, or aching internal or spiritual pain. I can appreciate even more because I know what I had to go through to where I am now. God works like that at times. Allowing our hardships and defeats shape us into our better selves but also keep us seeking Him and to keep on trusting Him  no matter what. It's almost like a testimony of our Faith, and at times all we really have to hold on to. This is what I was reminded of from reading a prayer excerpt in the Magnificat today, and it made me think and reflect upon my experiences.

I feel that this year, I can express more of the joy and hope that Advent and the special season of Christmas bring. The simplicity, the prayer reflections, being more intentional with my time, and really valuing and appreciating this Christmas season as something to be cherished, and treasured. I would say that there is no barren desert that is bleak and dreary anymore like there was before. Christ is coming, and He will take care of the rest. He is the joy, the hope, and all of the FA LA LA LA's. Although I would love to see La La Land again, I know what I need way more than a clever and entertaining movie to set my mood right and attempting to lift my spirits will never compare to what Jesus can do, for He is the star, the light and the show.

Making Room

Here we are, December and in less than 24 hours the Advent season is here! I really love Advent and this time of year, yet I have a difficult time balancing the things of the secular world -seasons greetings and ho ho ho and holiday cheer, and the peaceful and angelic world of the Christian world of this season. I want to be more intentional with my gift giving as well as well as my time this year. To really prepare myself well for this very special and important season that can easily be overlooked and overly familiar. But it's not overly familiar since we can also gain something from it year after year, as we are always growing and changing and learning new things about our faith and about ourselves as well. That's the beauty in it all and the richness which we need not quickly pass by or overlook, and that's what I want to teach myself as another Advent and Christmas season is on the horizon.

I would like to really value and appreciate all the blessings of this year and have more time for reflection and going deeper. As a melancholy introvert, I very much need my alone time to process and take time for myself where I can hone in on my needed energy and inspiration again. I want to find more time in the day to relish this as it can be so easy to do other things and get busy with work and volunteer, which are all good, though this time of nourishment and preparation need to be found outside of work and the hustle and bustle of the outside world.

I felt that this week was an adjustment to get back into the swing of things after the busy Thanksgiving holiday week/end. It felt like a busy break for me, and my rejuvenation period didn't feel as long as I would like it to. There were various things going on this week- studying for my upcoming CBEST test, volunteer, work, parish library organization, adoration, exercise class, cooking, errands, heavy reading...

The weeks can go by quickly but they are also tiring but nicely touched with variety and change of scenery from day to day. I am grateful for this season where I can be on a one on one basis with my students and make it my own. To help my mom with the parish library brings me comfort and inspiration to make this place inviting and cozy and interesting. My passion for books and reading has come out in another way and I'm happy to use it in an unique way!

 Serving local seniors weekly gives me a sense of purpose and joy and moments of interaction with them also please me. Exercise class gives me a lot of energy which I didn't know I had, and gives me space and outlet for my dance moves. Adoration is a nice time to stop and slow down, pray and reflect in the middle of the week. The heavy reading that I did this week made me reflect more on all that I have and all that I should be much more grateful for. Reading an immigrant/refugee story is heart wrenching, at times painful, very intriguing and also heart breaking, with a glimmer of a happy ending. I couldn't put the book down, and I truly felt I was in the midst of war torn Syria, experiencing what determined and courageous Doaa, a young woman who was facing and enduring with her family. They eventually were able to flee to Egypt until things were exceedingly getting worse there as well. Her soon to be husband suggested traveling to Europe and making a better life for themselves there. All tragedy and evil break loose, so I will stop there. I knew about the refugee crisis facing our modern world today, but not in much detail. My international studies classes had touched upon them but not to this level, and it made me interested in learning more about this severe issue that is complex, yet something to not be overlooked.

Reading this highly interesting and remarkable story, 'A hope more powerful than the sea' made me reflect upon refugees and all that they have to go through, experience and endure in order to make a better life and future for their family and dear loved ones. In Jesus' time, Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus were refugees fleeing King Herod and finding a safe haven. Even upon Jesus' birth, traveling and searching for enough room for Him to lay. It made me think if I have enough room to help in some way refugees experiencing crisis, and to make more room for Jesus in my life and in my heart throughout this Advent and Christmas season and into the new liturgical year.

Colors and Shapes in the Deep

Finding yourself in the amidst of various shapes, sizes, colors and energies can be one of the hardest things to do. However, it can be the most beneficial and rewarding in hindsight. This little samaka (fish) is finding her way through it all. Dodging big sea creatures that eat smaller food than the dear samaka, and perhaps go more places in search for more of it. The small food which these interesting shaped creatures eat can not feed this samaka since it does not digest nor perceive it to be well for it.  It makes its bold and vibrant colors turn to an ash gray. Large and hearty food is what it wants and desires instead, yet this quest is still challenging to find and swallow, but dear samaka will keep treading bubbles in the meantime to pursue it's destiny.

Past Questions, New Answers

I love this quote. It came to me last year around this time when I was wondering and hoping for a new face to brighten up my day or something inside of me to connect with the outside world and with  others. I was unsure and uncertain of what to do or how to make this throbbing feeling go away. I had to sigh and think back to Zora Neale Hurston's quote, 'There are years that ask questions and years that answer." I was in the year of asking, and hoped that sometime soon, eventually, I could be on the receiving end. However, as I've learned life doesn't always work out that way as we would hope or even expect. Sometimes we just have to learn how to be content and happy with what we are given and grateful and leave everything else behind us- not let it be a pure focus.

I recently just finished Hurston's well known novel, 'Their Eyes Were Watching God.' I had to read it for an English class a couple of years ago, and decided to read it again. Janie, the main character in the story is a young woman who is trying to find herself and her place in life. She goes where her grandma says she should go until it's in her gut that she knows it's not the right place for her. So her inner adventurous spirit paves the way for her as she experiences two other marriages that both lead to death...but my question is, does it lead to her death? She appears to be depressed and solemn after 'burying the dead', and maybe that also implies burying her old self.

I'm not sure if I have the answers to the questions I asked last year, but I know that God does and that's all that really matters for now. Perhaps I don't have all the answers, but maybe some. Answers being that I know myself more and have grown through hardships and seasons of dryness and unknowns as well as solitude and isolation. My answers have lied in being more hopeful in God's plan for my life and rest assured that He knows what he's doing and I should just enjoy the show, doing what I can but not taking credit for the what belongs to Him.

Some days I do feel like Janie, figuring out my place in life and learning from the journey as well as learning to leave behind what needs to stay behind and embracing all that lies ahead, in hope of God's ultimate plan that rests on the horizon.

Far Better Things Ahead

C.S. Lewis had it right when he coined the phrase, "There are far better things than any we leave behind." I've been drawn to this quote for some time and it has helped me in times of struggle with attachment. A glance at his wise words made me think more and appreciate this perspective.
I had a hard time leaving behind some memories and comforts of Junior College and going onto University a few years back.  However, this quote always helped me to better trust the unknown of the future and have higher hopes instead of fear of what lay ahead.

I can even recall only a year ago of what it felt like to let go and trust even more fully in myself, my interior strength and essentially God. A year ago, my dear sister moved out in her new place just a few miles over the hills with her sweet husband. I didn't know it at the time but it was really just over the hills and not too far away. But I did know that this move would be extremely difficult and emotional for me, and sure enough I was right. However, it was certainly essential for me to grow 'stronger bones' and overall a more independent spirit, but the growing pains were challenging and suffocating at times. 'The milk' or interior struggle which would essentially create these strong bones was not pleasant or enjoyable, yet necessary in order for God to work through me as well as learn more about myself while also growing closer and trusting Him. Would I had thought that there would be far better things ahead once my dear sister didn't live at home any more, no I didn't think there would be since I didn't think there could be.

A few weeks ago, I finished reading The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. Like most people trying to gain a sense of the story solely through the title, I thought it had to do with divorce as in no longer being married. After reading Lewis's wonderful work, I learned I was somewhat right about this preconceived idea, yet only slightly. The general overview is that souls in Purgatory/Hell are allowed a visit into Heaven and can decide to stay there and choose this place. The description of Purgatory/Hell ( I think it depends on how you view it from reading), but basically the overall view is that it's dark, dreary and there is no human connection or warmth. It's a very segregated and individualized city. People are waiting for a bus to pick them up and the narrator (Lewis) as well as the reader are unsure where this bus is going, why and the overall general matter that is taking place. These souls/ghosts are going somewhere they are unsure about and once they get there, they also do not know where to go or turn, but have the option of going back on the bus if they choose.
This majestic and very colorful land is nothing like where the ghosts have been, and even more different and foreign since they cannot fully participate and reveal in this place.

Overall, it's a spiritual journey novel pertaining to the Divorce of Heaven and Hell. One cannot have even a feather of sin or the Devil in them order to come to this land known as Heaven. You begin to see how hard certain attachments are and that's why the ghosts cannot fully enjoy and appreciate the beautiful glory of Heaven, yet they still have time time to change their ways before night time where no one wants to be out...evil spirits will come and other demons.

This got me thinking back to his quote once again, "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." The ghosts in the story have a difficult time letting go of past sins and attachments from earth and accepting this new land is beyond hard and a challenge to wrap their being around. I not only enjoyed reading this amazing and deep, intricate novel, but I also thoroughly enjoyed thinking more about the concept as it enlightened some understanding of the after life and how truly weak we are as humans. I was able to join a book club discussion regarding this book and got a lot out of it.

There are numerous hidden symbolisms and it’s easy to delve deeper into discussions regarding some topics that are related. There were many things that stuck with me after this book study, but one of them that still has got me thinking was- If we had the choice to choose heaven or earth, we would choose earth not because we don’t think that heaven is good and way better than earth but because of our familiarity and comfort.

So yes, I would agree that there are better or even far better (as Lewis puts it), things ahead than any we leave behind, and it sure is a good reminder of what we choose and what we should choose. That we should choose all things pointing to Christ, even if doesn’t make sense and feels foreign to us at the moment. 

The Nile and Lined Eyes

This time of the year is always exciting because there are a lot of changes going on. In just a few days, there will be the daylight savings time which will make Fall feel more like Winter, unfortunately. The end of October brings a different tune as it's the last lead up before the onslaught and busyness of holiday rush and cheer. I feel that I am wallowing in this time of the year, in the Fall season before the end of the year comes fast approaching.

Yesterday was Halloween, and although I wouldn't say I am in love with all that this holiday entails- I still enjoy dressing up when I'm in the mood. Last year I was in the mood and this year I was too! Considering that I did the same thing as I did this year- dress up and with other Catholic young adults ask for canned goods and have a potluck at someone's house. I probably wouldn't have dressed up if I wasn't going out, and would have been the homebody I am and delve into my introverted cave.

I was unsure what to be this year, and ideas were coming left and right but didn't seem to fit fully with my personality. I was  also unsure how to pull off Gertrude Bell, especially since no one would know who I was or dressing up as a singer from ABBA and find an outfit that would look authentic yet modest at the same time.




On a beautiful and crisp Fall day in Fremont while spending much enjoyed quality time with my dear sister and brother-in-law, they treated me to a cute and quaint cafe called The Nile. They went there a few weeks prior and immediately thought of me, knowing I would enjoy the artistic wall paintings of ancient Egyptians and other eclectic and interesting art deco. I was immediately inspired and glad that a unique place like this existed not too far away from my sister's and her husband's place. My sister mentioned that I should be an Egyptian for Halloween. And from then on, I considered it as an option.

As I was getting ready to turn into an Egyptian, I suddenly recalled that a cabin I was in while at a girl's camp over 10 years ago was the Egyptian cabin. Each year this girl's camp had a theme, and that year it was civilizations. I was among other girls my age in this Egyptian cabin, and had cool counselors, one of them being my same dear sister! I loved the spirit of that cabin, as well as the energy and vibe. Us lively campers loved posing with our hands and arms positioned in front of us  like an ancient Egyptian would. We also had fun dancing and singing to the song 'Walk like an Egyptian'.

A few days before this camp started my dear sister braided all my hair, and I was in excited anticipation to really look like an Egyptian. I had fun wearing my corn rose and swishing it this way and that...It was also an excuse to not wash my hair for a few days.

To recreate this costume, it was fairly easy- really just the eye makeup, hair and costume jewelry…and I was happy to find all of this in my closet. I think those costumes are the best when you already own what you need and can recreate it in your own way. I felt that the Egyptain costume spoke with my energy and eclectic and statement jewelry style. I didn’t mind wearing some braids again as they add a fun look and after taking them out, you’re not so sure if you’re hair will turn out more wavy or poufy.  :)

Halloween has never been my favorite holiday, but I can say that I like the festivities and this time of Fall. I also find it enjoyable to get into dressing up every now and then when my mood, inspiration and energy allow me to get out of character and become another one. Perhaps being an Egyptian for Halloween will come back again next year and I’ll walk like one too. 

About Time for Joy

Time is very important for us. It can mean so much and describe a lot about ourselves and our lives. Time can heal things, and time can also cause us to forget some of the nitty, gritty details. Time is interesting and allows for changes to be made- changes in the sense of your feelings, perspective or misconceptions to name a few.

I find that time has been frequently working in my life. I recently received my diploma for my Bachelors degree and I was very happy that it had finally arrived and I could officially declare that I am a post- graduate and achieved something, well actually many things. It took time for this important, expensive and sweat wrenching, heart pulsating paper to arrive in my mail box. When I received it and looked at it, I could own it because I finally did it. I have finally come at the end of the school tunnel that can feel like forever and trap you to make you feel that you are not with the other part of society since you're technically in a bubble going to classes, listening to lectures, doing assignments and meeting new people.

Time has taught me about a new perspective, and that only God, who is the owner and author of time is allowed to give. A new point of view in the sense that pain and suffering are two different things and there is a reason for it. The way I wanted things to be done according to my own timing wasn't going to happen like a flash of light since I'm not God and I didn't realize that perhaps God had something better in mind, even if it meant that I needed to suffer. I learned that suffering and the pain from it can be joyful and meaningful and perhaps even beautiful. I've had many flashbacks of some very raw and painful moments this year, and a wave of nostalgia comes to me because those were the moments I was most myself and relying on God. It wasn't enjoyable at all since loneliness was a big factor. It seemed like my heart was ticking. I was struggling to get through the present moment and only could look forward to the next moment, striving and at times struggling to get through all that I was carrying literally and metaphorically. I was aware of it and didn't always know how to handle it with a positive mindset.

Time wasn't counting, I was. And I kept track of how many more weeks I had left as a student. A month or a little more felt so long, it made me feel so frustrated and sad I wanted to cry. I couldn't wait to be on the other side and have my journey and experience as a student be behind me and be part of my history, a semi- faint memory that I could look back to if I wanted like a far path that lead you to where you are now, yet you can keep going forward.

When you are at your weakest, God can work the best with you. You also get to see how strong you really are and the depth of your inner strength. I know this to be true now, yet didn't see it as clearly when I was going through interior struggles. I thought that by continually praying for at least one friend, I would receive it fairly quickly. Expecting a gift such as a friendship and not getting it made me feel aggravated and lonely and more deprived of human interaction. I couldn't understand why I wasn't receiving what I felt I desperately needed and desired and why it wasn't being handed to me.

I lost sight of the joy of becoming more intimate and real with God, since all I really wanted was  more human interaction and connections. But God works in mysterious ways, so I really only needed to become closer to Him and had to learn how to trust in His ways and less of mine. I lost sight of the gifts that were all around me and solely focused on what I didn't have. I'm reminded of this quote that I found while going through this challenging time and it made me think more about God's ways and not mine. Although I couldn't find the answer, it got me thinking that perhaps I wasn't thinking as I ought. "Man finds it hard to get what he wants, because he does not want the best. God finds it hard to give, because He would give the best, and man will not take it." To be honest, reading this quote made me feel somewhat guilty since maybe God was giving me something here, perhaps even a gift that I just couldn't see as a gift but underneath the pain, sorrow and deprivation, it was something that lead to meaning and strong interior growth, growth that tasted bad and smelled putrid but was necessary.

Time has a way of tricking your mind sometimes to make you see things differently, and can even lead to joy even of it was in the past, and even if it was very real, painful and lonely. Joy is different than being happy since happiness is more superficial and fleeting. Joy is from God, and you don't need to look far to have it since it's already inside of you.