Flashbacks That Don't Fade

 I recently had a flashback. At first it was subtle and I didn't think much of putting words down on paper, but just letting it sift through my mind and then disappear like most flashbacks do. But then just yesterday, a similar flashback occurred that was stronger and much clearer. It was almost vivid where I can remember the feeling of things, words, emotions, and experiences. I looked around for my notebook diary later, the one that I wrote in during that time that was actually more like a prayer journal, and I knew I had to write about it. The memories and flashbacks from 2010!

It started with celebrating my sweet sister's birthday yesterday (2 days early) at her new apartment. And watching the light hearted rom-com 'Leap Year'. I wouldn't think that this movie would bring back so many memories and start up again this 'flashback'. But a little over 10 years ago, I turned 18 and watched this  movie, enjoying it and thinking it clever. I think my older brother liked parts of it (and the main character reminded me of him):), but my younger brother didn't like it at all, and couldn't understand why I would want to see it again just a week or two later when my dear sisters were home to share in the laughs. I also remember my younger brother and I had quite a lot of arguments, and bickering with one another during this time.

The summer was slowly turning into Fall that year and transitions would be happening, again. The Fall before was very difficult and painful with all 3 of my older sisters moving out in the same week, amidst the changes and adjustments with my little brother, academically hard classes, the daunting responsibilities of being President for a club, and feeling lonely and the weight of it all. I knew that it would look different arriving into my Senior year of HS, but still didn't know what to expect. And perhaps some pressure of making it a great year, with activities, opportunities, friends,ect... I was used to having my own room after my sister moved out for college, so the freedom of decorating it and designing if how I liked wasn't as new or weird for me. 

The summer was somewhat busy with helping out with my oldest sisters day camp in Santa Maria, and staying with her, my brother-in-law and cute niece. I remember my brother-in-law drove me from the half way point all the way to Santa Maria for my sister's camp and mentioning what I might like to study in college or where I'd like to go for school. I didn't have much of an opinion, but somehow Math was on my mind since I did really well Junior year, liked my teacher a lot and felt really proud in how well I did, and actually enjoyed equations, numbers. That obviously quickly changed. Words, writing, books and the English world would continue to captivate and interest me.  There was also planning for the other Catholic girls camp I would help out with each year and the excitement and enjoyment of seeing all my friends and contacts again was pure summer, and a big reward from a whole school year of long awaited reconnecting. 

In early August, my sister had a great idea of making a road trip of visiting our cousin in Ashland, Oregon. We had some childhood memories in Ashland and in parts of Oregon and many, many with our only girl cousin, and it had been a while. That trip with the 4 of us sisters up to the 10 hour or so drive was fun, exciting, exhausting, and a weekend to remember, now 10 years later!

Throughout this time, I would write letters with my dear older brother Matthew. He knew I was in Santa Maria for a week so he wrote me a letter sent there where I was staying. My dear sister moved back to SF come August or early September, and I knew the hard parts would start all over again. With a newness to the school year, figuring out recurring friendships, and knowing 2 friends of mine would be moving away was hard and uncertain. I can't remember all the details, but I interviewed and got a job at IHOP and it was an exciting start but also a very daunting one, it being my first 'real' job. And with the demands of harder classes, since I was also taking challenging classes like AP Psychology, Civics, and Anatomy. It was a nerve racking new role of going to work after school and also studying for quizzes, tests and accomplishing assignments. 

What also brought a flashback to me was wearing earrings yesterday that my dear sister gave to me for my birthday 10 years ago, and I wore them to a homecoming dance. And the dress was one she shopped for and got for me. :)

That first semester felt like a learning curve. I visited my dear sister in SF but I regret I should have made more of an effort for other visits. Taking public transit by myself was also a new and somewhat scary thing. But I remember when I visited her, it was a lot of fun, seeing her nicely decorated room and living space, going to the Opus Dei center, and talking late into the night- mentioning the club at school I used to have and feeling pressure restarting it, and loving her new hair do with her blunt bangs, and just sister soul talk. I missed her at home but visiting her quaint and cute place felt almost as homey in my heart. 

Like I mentioned, I was writing letters to my older brother who I looked up to a lot and the friendship and bond we had was so special, comforting, a treasure. The letters cheered me up when I was having hard days, or just when I needed a friend, a connection, or a guy's perspective. I still have kept these letters as I find them really interesting and special to look back on, reminiscence the old days and what was going on in our lives. 

I remember I always looked forward to family visiting to bring a little brightness, comfort and excitement. Things were shifting and it was always really nice to hear about my siblings' lives as they looked so different from mine. Their presence was a piece of home that once was, but it was always really hard when one or multiple of them left after a weekend or a holiday function. I always felt like I was left behind, I couldn't relate, couldn't be part of it after they left. I recall many tears, sadness and emotional struggle as the transition was so hard and trying to be inspired or look forward to things was challenging initially. 

Looking back, I can see all these growing pains, experiences as so unique, and special. Peeking into the views of my high school mind, and now working at a high school is very interesting! Sometimes I don't feel too different in the ways I think or do things, but overall have learned, gained, and experienced so much this past decade. As the well known author Sandra Cisneros foretells in her short story 'Eleven' that's written about which some of the students I work with are reading ,..."Even though you continue to age, you bring along the past with you. The past experiences of the younger you is still a part of your personality even as you get older." 

What will be next? What will the next 5, 10 years look like? In all honesty I have no idea and would never thought all that happened would and where I am today. Life can be full of surprises, and God is the master of it all. May He continue to lead me by the hand. 

Walking in Hope

 It feels so interesting going back to a place you've been and see things differently, in a new way, a different form, past memories, thoughts, feelings. It's like everything is drifted away somewhere in the sky like a balloon, and it wont come down. I can recall these memories from before school closed due to COVID-19, there were so many questions as to how things would look and the outcome of it all. I remember back in the middle of March hearing about the closure of school for a definite 4 weeks was a blow for me but I heard some students exclaiming in excitement from a 'break'. 

As I was walking on campus and headed back to my classroom I remember the daunting thought of it all. What would I do for 4 weeks? I felt sad and unsure of what things would look like and for how long. It was all very strange, and felt out of control. Of course, those 4 weeks extended themselves and added up to the rest of the school year and though summer was different it wasn't much easier either. 

It has been such an interesting journey these past months as many can say the same based on their own unique, difficult, and heavy situation. It feels almost surreal that I am back where I once was physically but feel interiorly different- grown, changed, experienced. These past 5 months have really shaped me and stretched me in ways I would have never imagined, wanted or anticipated. No one saw what was starting to happen in March coming, or the effects and extreme aftermaths. 

It was a deep challenge and loss to not be able to finish out the school year, and instead have things turn out the way they did. There would have been a lot of joy and excitement ending a school year, saying goodbye to students and starting off summer that was well deserved, appreciated and enjoyable. 

However, I wouldn't be in the spot I am now if it weren't for all the suffering, waiting, anticipation, and disappointment these past months. I feel like I've learned a lot about myself and I wasn't even in the classroom, or on a school campus. The school of life was the teacher, I was the student and the test was perseverance, faith, courage, and hope.

Now with a new school year ahead, journey and added doses of faith and hope, I'm excited to see what God has in store. It wont be an easy breeze as its a whole new chapter that looks similar on the outside but very different on the inside. But I feel grateful for where I am now, and see all the graces from God. I don't feel as attached to what was as my mind is a bit blurry since the sense of pain, suffering and waiting are more vivid and clear, yet they have and are providing virtue and a testament of faith. Hindsight is always 2020, and isn't it interesting, funny, ironic even that we are in the year 2020, when hopefully the hardships will be more clear later on. 

And to give this year of 2020 more credit, and a positive stroke, I want to think of 20 things I am grateful for either in general or from this year, and 20 things I am looking forward to. The year isn't over yet and even if its been a debilitating, frustrating, uncertain, challenging year, good things will come from this, even simple things that I continue to remind myself of. 

So with this next step, journey in the road, the little steps of every day are important. And though it can feel dry (not just with the air quality) but also in other facets, God is the fountain of life and will water where I am planted, grounded and blooming even when it doesn't feel like it.

A New Season

 It's the last night before my dear sister moves out. It's also my other dear sister and my brother-in-law's wedding anniversary, and his birthday. Today marks the first day of school, online, and I can't help but think of a year ago anticipating what would happen, and waiting for an outcome with my job. Now a year later, so much looks different, but I can see a lot of growth and graces amidst the changes and transitions. 

Yes, transitions are a part of life. Now it is summer and pretty soon the layers of the sun will peel into Fall, a Libra sun and golden and orange leaves and the year will be slowly wrapping up. I can admit that I am looking forward to the next season not just in terms of the calendar year but also the next phase in the journey.

As I was exiting the church this afternoon, I couldn't help but notice the magnolia trees outside, and how they no longer had their white flowers blooming, beautiful for all to see. I forgot that by August they go back to their 'regular' look and it wont be until next spring when they will show off their 'perfume' once again. I love these trees and my dear sister knows how much. She recently gave me a card with a picture of them with a very endearing, meaningful and special message. I see these white flowers as a sign of hope.

 But now with these white blossoms no longer present, it makes me see hope and God's ways in a new light. I see hope not absent completely, but rather growing silently, progressively, mysteriously hidden. These flowers are now gone and this next season of growth and transition aren't absent of hope and joy nor bleak with running colors of gray like a water color piece. I see this next season as a season of trust and confidence, continual hope even if I can no longer see the white flowers, even if it will look differently and won't necessarily be easy. God is still at work, though it is hidden and mysterious, it is still beautiful. 

This stillness, silence, solitude is all what I am learning about in the book I am reading called 'The Power of Silence' by Cardinal Robert Sarah. Silence is the way God speaks and how He moves and works. It is through silence that He communicates and how we hear Him. I find the points and reflections in this book to be awe inspiring and full of meaning, depth and introspection. It allows you to reflect and think about the Presence of silence and the presence inside of you.

And relying on this Presence, God is allowing me to trust more in everything else that feels very difficult, bitter and confusing. I felt drawn to a bracelet while browsing a Christian store, and the verse on it Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things in Him who strengthens me." And it just so happened to be this same verse that my dear sister wrote on a pouch for Christmas. This verse also helped me a lot when I was going through a rough time earlier this spring with my sleep, and I wrote it near my bed so I would see it. And it will provide consolation now as this next season awaits to begin, a new journey, a new adventure.

Another form of consolation was seeing the Tuesday prayer to St. Anthony of Padua. I thought it was very relevant in what I was going through. "St. Anthony, you were challenged by change and new experiences so many times in the course of your life. Help me not to be afraid of the changes that will take place in my own life and to realize that by dealing with them I will grow in faith."

As transitions and changes happen, prayer and seeking that consolation is very helpful. What also helps me is delving into creative projects, thoughts, and goals. I still need to keep my mind busy and somewhat active, hopeful for the future and inspired with possibilities and ideas. For God knows what I need, how I am made and the plan for what is ahead.

A Fine Pearl

'The kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls, when he finds one of great value he goes and sells everything he owns and buys it.'  Matthew 13:44-52. 

The pearl of great price, this was the message from yesterday's readings and though I've heard it many times before, various situations and circumstances can make me reflect upon it even more, in a different way. I think that's the beauty of scripture, its God's word and its alive and active in our life and what we are going through.

I'm not too familiar with pearls but I know that my birthstone is the gem pearl. I think its an elegant, classy and beautiful jewel and it happens to be a metaphor in part of yesterday's Gospel reading. While watching the Mass online, the priest mentioned how the pearl of great price is Jesus himself. To be focused on him, instead of other stones, rocks and gems that shouldn't be as important or valuable in our lives. As the priest said, they are all rocks that can be tossed, but we should never lose sight of the rock of our faith, Jesus.

I found this to be a great reminder as its easy to lose sight of the real things that matter instead of being distracted and tossed by the waves and storms of life. Jesus is always present, and we need to put him at the center of our lives.

Yesterday, my 3 older sisters and I got together for our sister day. It had been almost a year since we had gathered together with just us, no other people, distractions or events in the making. It was a glorious and beautiful day, with a lot of laughter and talking, connecting and our lives, hearts and thoughts embracing and uniting again. I realize more and more how precious this time is as 2 of my sisters present yesterday are married with families, and my older sister above me is moving away to another area. There are various transitions in our lives, all looking different, yet all grounded from the same faith, family, love and understanding as sisters- as nothing else can replace that!

I feel that we are all pearls. We are each living out our gifts, dignity, faith, beauty in its own unique way that God has prepared for now. As my oldest sister put it who couldn't be there yesterday for our special gathering, "You are each a light in this world." And with that I think of Christ's light shining in us, upon us.


I think of the pearl as a symbol in beauty, growth, strength, dignity and how it's not lovely and beautiful all on its own or all by itself, but as I wrote before, from another post- a pearl from an oyster, that a pearl was formed and created out of something, from a situation, a hardship, a circumstance, ect... And in this time of transition, hardship, growth there will be pain and there will be struggles. But being with my dear sisters yesterday allowed me to see that strength, hope, and beauty in all of it, this journey ahead! And to know that we have the greatest pearl ever hoped for, Jesus himself.

Seeds of Growth

I came across a journal entry in a notebook of  mine written exactly a year ago. It's so interesting to look back on and all that was happening, the small and big shifts that were happening by day and pondered at night. How strange it is to reflect upon it all when this year looks completely different! The main difference is the coronavirus pandemic we are facing. There are other differences though subtle, that reflect upon a year ago and the similarities beat together as being internal growth, growing pains.

There were many questions a year ago for me as what I would be doing in terms of work and the structure of it all. How would it happen, what to do about it and where to go. They were hard questions to figure out and discern but the weight of them were lifted for a time when I could just enjoy the ambiance of a library or cafe and study on my own time. I would let the daunting thoughts drift and fizzle away while I read a book or drank a vanilla creme whilst doodling and jotting down notes in my notebook. But some how, someway those thoughts would linger and arsie again and I would be faced with more discernment, application and job opportunities to research, and holding onto hope and trust like no other.

I became really motivated in studying for the English CBEST. I felt a great desire and need to pursue something academic since my last work place wasn't very challenging or enriching in thought. I remember I would send my brother a picture of my studies while he was abroad in Costa Rica and day by day was feeling the rewards of progress of studying for an exam, and pursing something.

Walks and runs were and still are very important to me. I feel that I am able to let out my internal energy and set about new ideas, inspiration while sorting out thoughts in my head as I jog and take in the beauty and peace of the scenery.  The vision that really helped me and lifted my spirits was while I was taking a walk or running and envisioning Jesus guiding me along and holding my hand. But he wasn't next to me but rather in front of me, almost like showing me where to go, what path to take. It was very comforting since I had no real idea of what would happen next and what to do and how things would look. But knowing that God has a plan and was guiding me step by step was reassuring that I was on the right path.

Today is the feast day of St. Bonaventure, and I specifically remember attending daily Mass and learning more about this saint from the priest and an excerpt in the Magnificat readings. What was written was so beautiful and deep, I decided to write it in my notebook.

"Beloved friend of Jesus Christ, examine carefully what kind of love your most sweet Jesus expects of you. Your great lover certainly wants you to give him your whole heart, soul and mind, so that there may be absolutely no one else in heart, soul and mind to share your love with him." - St. Bonaventure

And part of my commentary on this quote I will also share:

"...How relevant it is in thinking of solely focusing on Him, creating a stronger commitment and relationship and entrusting everything to Him, for Him and through Him. He is preparing my future with His holy will and ardent love. To no longer fear, but to instead hold onto His beautiful and sacred heart, and His guiding and loving hand. For He will show me the way."

Reflecting upon what I wrote, it enkindles this same desire to draw closer to Our Lord during these difficult and confusing times. I feel that I'm in a whole new season of growth and learning, pain and suffering. But to know that He is still leading, guiding and loving me every step of the way. Striving to embrace this time of more quiet and open time, since listening requires effort and God speaks in whispers and moves in silence has been helpful.

I want to continue to have some things to look forward to in order to make this internal season of growth more enjoyable, memorable and inspiring. As a creative melancholy, I'm always looking for ways to enhance the use of my hands in projects, thinking of innovative ideas and creating a playlist in my head of memories, thoughts, and goals that lift me up and keep me inspired while marching to beat of my own drum.

While writing this post, the main point resurfaced in my mind of relating it all back to this past Sunday's readings of the Gospel of Matthew 13:1-23 in  planted in God's word, and producing good fruit ..."But the seed sown on rich soil is the one who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirty fold."

And the beautiful Psalm 65: The seed that falls on good ground will yield a fruitful harvest.

I want to close with sharing this excerpt from an enriching and very lovely faith and scripture journal from my dear sister a few years ago. It is one that was so relevant to the main message and brought a flow of consolation.

"It may not feel like it now, but you will survive this season. You will look back and remember with discomfort how it felt to be stripped of all that felt safe but really stunted your growth. And then with joy you'll praise Him because Jesus, the Master Gardener, has prepared blooms for you that you and those around you could not have witnessed otherwise. We were created to bear fruit. Today's painful pruning paves the way for tomorrow's blooms."

Embracing Memories, Embracing the Heart

"You must believe in truth that whatever God gives or permits is for your salvation." St. Catherine of Siena

I came across this quote recently, one that I wrote down when I was searching for inspiration, spiritual enrichment and consolation a while back. I remembered it again recently and it instantly brought back memories from New Years Day of this year. My dear sister, Santiago and I went to Mass celebrating the Solemnity of Mary and the New Year at the church St. Catherine of Siena. It wasn't planned where we would go as it happened with ideas unfolding of visiting that church not too far and seeing the priest we knew of who was pastor there. It was a beautiful, quaint, and traditional church and a lovely Mass and it was nice to be able to speak with and say hi to the priest we knew of.

It brought back memories of that special first day of the year, with all of the anticipation, excitement, freshness and possibilities of a new year ahead. Thinking how would God let things unfold in His mysterious and beautiful plan. So much that would be unexpected and it rings true now with how  2020 has unfolded.

There has been great angst and uncertainty with this pandemic and all the orders and regulations in place, not to mention deep disappointment, and fear with processing everything. So much has happened in a matter of a few months, it feels the world is upside down. There are still many unknowns and questions about the future and how this will look for the rest of the year for everybody.

With the sudden news of Igancio's heart diagnosis and praying for a miracle for successful surgeries and recovery, for healing these past winter and spring months. With the even greater sad and heart wrenching news of his passing after his short life of 4 days, but the beautiful witness of his life and my sister and brother-in-law's faith, courage and strength in these very challenging and grieving times was impressive, a positive force. I think of him often and am so grateful I was able to meet him and kiss his forehead many times. I feel with great confidence that he is praying and looking down on us, and interceding for us  in heaven, a sweet angel. I would be his God mother and Aunt, but now I feel that he is sending me more prayers and consolation than I even prayed for him.

All that he had to go through from his short, precious life really shows God's mysterious ways and reasons. It points to a bigger picture of eternity, and of death that we all have to face at some point in our lives. His sufferings, discomfort, and heart surgery portrays Jesus' own wounds and suffering on the cross and this relationship couldn't be more powerful or spiritual enriching during these questioning times.

What also helps me is reflecting upon the many months of when my dear sister was pregnant with him, when he was growing in her womb. When I look at it this way, there are so beautiful memories and moments shared. Even at this New Years Day Mass, Ignacio was present. In so many other times, situations, and events he was there and part of the picture, along with the bonding time of my dear sister and I. How couldn't he be more present, a spiritual intercessor reigning down from heaven for us now.

I look back at the pillowcase I designed in early spring and thinking of his heart diagnosis. I drew a smaller heart and larger heart  with the word 'heart' written in Arabic, depicting his sweet heart resting on his mother's and receiving his life supplements while in the womb. And now in eternal rest embraced with the Sacred Heart of Jesus, it beats stronger than before, with a greater love, intensity and strength.

 Going back to the quote from St. Catherine of Siena, it made me realize and reflect upon more that God is using all of these struggles, crosses, sufferings and unknowns for our salvation, for something greater. It's almost like St. Catherine of Siena was saying this herself, a gentle and quiet whisper  coming from heaven that crisp New Years Day, preparing us for the trials, and tribulations ahead, but with the certainty of the gift of peace and graces needed from our Lord.

God's Woven Stitches

I don't feel that it is ironic that the same month my dear, sweet nephew and God son was born in the month of the sacred heart of Jesus. Praying the litany to this devotion tonight was so beautiful. Reflecting upon the goodness, sweetness, peacefulness and abyss of all virtues from His heart made me think of my newest nephew and God son's dear heart. It has already gone through its own trials, and pain and I know my dear sister and brother-in-law have experienced the same anguish, and deep suffering and are witnesses to it.

Jesus' heart has wounds, and in the sacred heart image it depicts these wounds with the crown of thorns- the same thorns which pierced his forehead and surrounded pain with bloodshed. His heart knows how to love because it has tasted the bitterness of sorrow, pain, and death.

When we are wounded exteriorly there is a pain, yet we can be healed through stitches or another form of healing and receive reassurance and solace in the suffering and hurt, and can see the physical wound and pain slowly leave. The wounds that are internal, and perhaps deeper take upon a different form, and one that isn't necessarily visible, or tangible. It's usually a more unique pain, and suffering that has its own timeline for relief, solace, and healing.

Stitches that go in one's knee or a relief from another outside wound has its own story to tell that can even sometimes leave a mark that's visible, and one that won't necessarily go away. However, the sorrow and suffering of an interior wound tells another story, and the healing process follows its own accord and journey.

My dear sister received stitches after her C-section to her sweet and beautiful son who was born on my birthday! I've only heard about the process and procedure and the journey of physical pain, soreness and the process of recovering and healing from this surgery. My mom underwent her 1st C-section with me and has told me a couple times how deathly afraid she was of the surgery, of the thought, and I manged to be born 3 weeks early in the early morning hours with a jaundice coloring. This dearest God son was born a little early also, and born in the middle of the morning. There was so much anticipation, preparation, excitement, joy, and waiting for this little one to finally come and make his appearance.

This sweet little one was born on my birthday, and I feel that birthdays are a time of renewal and another wonderful opportunity for new beginnings, a new year ahead, a new journey. God is continuing to stitch my story, write my story.

Every day has it's own stitches. And sometimes you feel like you dropped some and need to restitch and make up for the day before. It reminds me of knitting and with every stitch makes progress. Currently I am knitting a blanket for this sweet little one and I sincerely hope it can be a gift. If not to use right away, to remember, and to hold. It's a dark green and the color reminded me of the statue at the St. Raphael mission that I visited in December. He's a powerful saint and intercessor, and it's also the middle name of this precious and new little life.

Stitches are also a way of putting things back together, a form, and process of healing and recovery. Every time we go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation, God is putting back the pieces to our heart, our soul and the gift of his most precious blood heals all our internal wounds, our sin, our weakness.

On my birthday, I wore the shoes that needed repairing. Though not stitches, it needed glue, to be put back together and to be useful again. I didn't wear them for too long- just at the end of the day and celebration, but it reminded me of a bigger message about being put back together again, healed, renewed. The cute wedged shoes just point to something greater, deeper, and more beautiful.

I couldn't help but remember a beautiful excerpt from Venerable Fulton J Sheen's interesting and insightful autobiography. And I will write it here.

I can remember when, after four months in the hospital, I began to recover; I was reading Mass on an altar constructed over the bed before a few priests and friends. I spontaneously gave a sermon, which I remember so well. I said that I was glad that I had open-heart surgery because when the Lord comes to take us all, He will look to see if we have any marks of the Cross upon ourselves. He will look at our hands to see of the are crucified from sacrificial giving; He will look at our feet to see if they have been thorn-bruised and nail-pierced searching for lost sheep; He will look at our heart to see if that has been opened to receive His Divine Heart. Oh what joy is mine just to have endured the minuscule imitation of His suffering on the Cross by having a wounded side. Maybe He will recognize me from that scar and receive me into His kingdom.

With today being the feast of Sts. Peter and Paul, may their examples continue to lead and inspire us. And may this new little son of God and precious life, the treasure of my sister and brother-in-law's hearts, and the spiritual abode of mine these past nine months be protected, guided by God, and may we continue to trust in His Heart and plan.

A New Appreciation

Today was the first daily Mass since March. It felt surreal, almost like walking into the past but with a shed of light on the future since no one wore face masks 3 plus months ago. The pastor was so welcoming and friendly, it was encouraging and uplifting. The lights were on in the church and it was inspiring. For many weeks on end this church had been dim or nearly dark, silent, yet peaceful and serene.

There were some really hard days and weeks for me these past 3 months, and the highlight of my day was driving to this church, and getting out of the house. It felt like the walls were caving in and I needed to do something about it. Taking a drive, seeing new scenery and reflecting on past memories along the roads was helpful, but the solitude and reassuring peace inside the church was what I really needed. To sit, kneel and be in the presence of our Lord.

I started to miss the busyness of my schedule, and the days when my mind was actively stimulated and distracted on the students and the world of school around me. I liked the openness of the schedule surrounding me but some days it felt like I would be drowning and it flooded the depths around me. The reassuring part was that I knew I wasn't the only one going through these challenging times, and I only wish things could be like they used to with libraries and cafes open, Masses starting up again and having family, friends and social events back to normal. I wouldn't mind the openness then, but God was teaching me and all of us a lesson in the process, and still is!

There is strength and grace in the waiting, unknown and mundane. When every day can feel the same or blend into one there's a challenge to make things light and fun. There's a challenge to get innovative and creative again and try to forget about all of the bigger questions. However, there has been so much growth in this waiting process, internal, spiritual, mental, emotional and letting go of what I want and how things should look. Letting go of thinking that we are in control of what should happen next in this whole process.

I'm looking forward to Masses returning to a new normal and living out our faith and spirituality in this beautiful and important way. March 15 was the last Mass I attended right before the shut down and shelter in place. It was a melancholic day, a reflective day. It was eerily the 'Ides of March' as Shakespeare says and it felt like the start of everything. I was emotional and sad that a wonderful priest was being transferred soon amidst all the unknown and changes ahead. He was a comforting presence, a spiritual Father and the comfort of it all was being taken from the rug beneath me and I missed his gentle, soft spoken yet strong leadership qualities.

It was the last time going to a Starbucks with my sweet sister and soaking up the unknown with a warm drink, Arabic notes and books stacked, and a notebook and a pen to write with. People in the cafe didn't know what to anticipate either and it felt like something was right around the corner, a blind corner that no one could see or fully anticipate but still trying to enjoy the moment. I wouldn't see my school, co workers or students again, hear their voices or talk with them, laugh with them or congratulate them. I wouldn't open the classroom up again to see all the various faces and brimming personalities about to bubble over, or hear their smart jokes or wise teenager ways. I didn't know I would miss it so much, and see all the growth it gave me then and now.

I remember a couple summers ago, my dear sister and I went to a daily Mass together, and she had an interesting point that I remembered today. She said to pretend like its your last Mass you will attend, dress well and be reverent, focused since you never know when it will be. I couldn't think of how relevant that was looking back. I feel like its a point for reflection to not take it for granted, and going back to that same church brought me back to remember to not take it for granted, and to be joyful, hopeful, and grateful; It's time to be, and the waiting is nearly over.

Rainy day, early April

Love these trees when they bloom!

A Sacred Freedom

Freedom. It's a word that I or others don't think about too often but one that has struck me most recently. A year ago around this time I left my former job. It was a toxic and unhealthy environment that burdened me with a large weight. Once I left with good terms and for the most part friendly faces sending good lucks and tight hugs, it all came crashing like a ton a bricks, the ones that I built on my shoulders for weeks and weeks, and finally could relax, enjoy the start of summer, the cool air to my breath while running and reflect on all that had happened. It felt so good to leave, to be alive that I couldn't fully express it in words.

We have all experienced our own share of trials, sufferings and limits to freedom during these 3 months of isolation from others, our favorite places and excursions, regular plans and even praying and worshiping in our own churches. With the regulated access to the sacraments there's been a greater appreciation for our faith and ways that we can still practice. But nonetheless, even if Masses slowly reopening with tight rules and regulations, it on't be perfect but its necessary. Even when our freedom due to this virus has limited in what we can do, I need to continue to remind myself it won't take away my faith and believe in God and His plans, and how I think about things in a positive light.

There's so much sacred in the month of June, as John Mayer says in one of his songs. It's nearly almost summer and with every passing bright, hot day and cool, lush, peaceful evening there's hope for something more. Not only with things to slowly return to a new normal, but trusting not in our ways and plans, but God's. Even if I don't feel like I have the full freedom to keep running and running in the dusk and beauty of a crisp evening, there's ways I can embrace this cross, small suffering and hold on to the freedom that Christ gives.

Today is the feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. It's a beautiful and very special feast day, and it crept upon me almost without notice. I love that June is dedicated to His Sacred Heart, as it's my birthday month and the start of a lovely season, with many more beautiful months ahead! There is freedom, peace, joy, hope in His heart and in His graces, if we trust. It gives me that reassurance during these crazy times of pandemic, and busy, tiring yet joyful ones too with a toddler nephew here.

I'm looking towards St. Anthony of Padua whose feast day was last week, and is known for holding and being close to the Child Jesus, and also known for great miracles. May he help us with this little one and the joy, demands and love that my nephew needs from us during this time. Happy June, happy summer! With the heat of the days and cool mornings and evenings, and with a bigger heart to go around.

Gifts From the Spirit

Card from my sister, to ensure peace:)

With the feast of Pentecost comes other things that seem to relate well with all that's been going on for me. It's such a special and beautiful feast, to close out the Easter season and enter into Ordinary time. This Easter season has been such a different one, unlike any before with churches and Masses closed and this Paschal feast celebrated from home. And this upcoming Ordinary time will be anything but 'ordinary' with all the changes and unique experiences ahead.

As I was reflecting upon the feast of Pentecost, I couldn't help but think about the similarities, the ties that seemed to bond what this feast is about and what Mary and the apostles experienced on that blessed day, the birthday of our church. It was a day exuded with peace, unity and a deep trust in God's presence, the gift of the Holy Spirit. Upon Confirmation, we receive the special graces and gifts from the Holy Spirit to lead us, and guide us on our faith journey.

With the end of the Easter season comes also the end of the school year. And what a school year it has been!! I came back to my school workplace with an empty and vastly eerie feel to the silent and bare campus that was once before crowded, vibrant with noise, students and activity. I opened my classroom, locked doors they have been for weeks on end, and I was suddenly flooded with memories, memories of students, classwork, Math and English lessons, conversations and an abounding peace and enjoyment through it all.

The doors were also locked when Jesus came in and stood in their midst and brought them the gift of His peace, and their hearts were aflame with love, joy, trust and peace. On the feast of Pentecost, the Holy Spirit comes to set a fire to their hearts, their minds and a deep wisdom and understanding of this spirit; tongues of fire and a sense if unity with various languages spoken and coming together as one faith, one church.

Yesterday would also be the feast of the Visitation, when Mary visited her cousin Elizabeth who was pregnant with John the Baptist. This summer we will be taking care of my dear nephew, Santiago and with all of it will come generosity, service, sacrifice, love and joy. Mary experienced this too with the travels to see her cousin and extend herself. Elizabeth was touched by Mary's generosity but also the gift of Jesus in her womb.

With still a sense of uncertainty up ahead and a busy, fun, eventful summer here, I want to entrust these intentions, and thoughts to the peace and confidence of the Holy Spirit to guide, lead and pour out upon us the graces and gifts needed.

A Tender Love

"One must arrange one's life, so that everything praises God." These enriching words were said by Saint Pope John Paul II. He said many encouraging, beautiful and insightful words that sprung from a deep place of hope, peace and spiritual strength. Reflecting upon him and his papal legacy, as yesterday was his feast of his 100th birthday, I came to realize how profound, significant and influential he was, to those who met him in person and to those who didn't.

I realized even more so his impact and the strong and tender following he had around the world when my mom showed me the news clippings she had saved from the announcement of his death, April 2nd, 2005. I saw and read the articles written about him as pope, as a devout and loving man. I could see the deep sadness and loss on the people's faces, silent tears streaming down their faces that showed their mourning and heartache of a dear friend gone from this earth, a great leader, confidant, and a beloved and God fearing man. It became more real to me, as I was only in the 6th grade when he passed, and didn't comprehend all of his influence among the Roman Catholic realm, but also all around the world.

Contemplating this great saint, pope, priest, man, and follower of Jesus on his 100th anniversary of birth, I also came to find he has had an impact on me in various ways, like so many others could attest to in their profound experiences meeting him face to face or somewhere from a distance, or like me, who never had the gift of meeting him in person. However, his writings, words spoken, example, cheerful smile, humble demeanor, and profound wisdom and courage in the faith are what draw me to this Polish man, this first Polish pope.

A few of my siblings had the privilege of meeting Pope John Paul II at World Youth Day in the early 2000's. And most of my siblings have been able to attend these World Youth Days in different countries and with another Pope, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, but I'm sure the feeling, the experience, the excitement was all the same since it was Pope John Paul II who initially started these World Youth Days for young people of faith all around the world to come together.

A World Youth Day that I was thinking of attending was about 5 years ago in the city where Pope JPII grew up, Krakow, Poland and it would involve a lot of historic sites around the area, not to mention being in Poland and in the cities where back then Karol Wojtyla grew up. It wasn't meant to be for me, as other travel experiences and expenses came the following year for my study abroad experience and my sister's wedding abroad, but I have yet to attend and value the pilgrimage experience of a World Youth Day.

Reading about some of my favorite saints, I come across their canonizations done by JPII, and I realize how much impact he has had on our Catholic faith, not solely with beautifying and canonizing saints in the Church, but also his writings such as 'Love and Responsibility' and his teachings on the Theology of the Body to name a few. I am honored to have studied more of the Theology of the Body and do course series with my mom and sister a couple of years ago. I am very fond of this beautiful teaching full of truth and freedom, one that our world is in desperate need of.

About a year ago, I read a great and interesting read about St. Pope John Paul II written by Jason Evert. It was about and called JP II's 5 loves, and I would recommend it as a great source to his heart, his mission and his life. It's not so much a biography, but Evert does a lovely job in detailing some of Pope John Paul's personal life even before he became a priest or a great pope. I remember well that my dear sister read this book before me and recommend this book, and gave some of the examples that perhaps I could relate with, his sufferings and particularly his deep loneliness after the sudden loss of his dad that made him orphan at only the age of 21. This gave me great courage and strength in learning more about him and his trials and sufferings that God had bestowed and entrusted him with.

I was greatly inspired by Saint Pope John Paul II and the book about his 5 loves. It was what I needed to read, and to administer in my thoughts and in my life especially during the challenging time I was going through then. I wrote down some quotes from the book in a notebook of mine and would bring this notebook to work with me and read through the quotes again when there was down time at my job, and I would feel encouraged and inspired.  Here is an excerpt from the book, "There is no question that John Paul had an extraordinary work ethic. He worked between 16 and 20 hours per day, an found television and radio to be a waste of time. If he wasn't praying or studying, he had the feeling he was wasting his time." 

Pope John Paul II is well known for his first address speech in 1978 in saying "Be Not Afraid! Open wide the doors of Christ", as this is a very common phrase in the Gospels but we still need to hear it, and knowing and understanding more of his life, I'm sure there were many fears as well with Communism, and WWII to name a few. And his famous words of hope and joy pertaining to Easter the season, "We are an Easter people and Alleluia is our song."

Going back to the newspaper clipping that was saved and reading through some of the articles written, I came to learn that he was the most well traveled Pope in that he visited the most countries during his papacy, and he was fluent or at least conversational in many languages. Being a person who is intrigued and interested in other cultures and languages, this moved med with a deeper sense of connection with him. It showed how open minded he was, passionate and talented not just linguistically but sharing the good news of the Gospel.

Though I'm not studying the language now, last May I picked up some Polish. It was a side inspiration for a short while and have been interested in Slavic languages for some time. My dear sister would send me pictures of red poppies on her walks with Santiago, as its the national flower of Poland. And I found a lovely picture of a red poppy while thrift shopping right before my birthday and have it hanging on my wall.

There are so many influences and things to say about this beautiful person, a man of deep faith and conviction and a leader who has inspired us all with his joy, hope, and lasting impact. Whenever he is seen in prayer, he is in deep conversation with God. In so many ways, he has become an example to us all, how to live, how to pray and how to love. May he intercede for us, our needs and intentions.

I will end with a prayer from him to Our Lady, bestowing his love and devotion to her, entitled 'Totus Tuus':

Immaculate Conception, Mary my Mother, Live in me, Act in me, speak in me and through me, think your thoughts in my mind, Love through my heart, Give me your dispositions and feelings, Teach, lead me and guide me Jesus, correct, enlighten and expand my thoughts and behavior, possess my soul, Take over my entire personality and life, replace it with yourself, Incline me to constant adoration, pray in me and through me, Let me live in you and keep me in this union always. Amen