Highlights and a Flicker of Melancholy

 It's hard to believe this month of radiant, autumn glow of golden, reds and browns is transitioning to a close, another leaf falling. These weeks have felt like they have flown by with the warm sunshine, cooler morning air and quiet, and serene evenings that have let the Libra moon showcase the midnight  sky. I've been thinking why October happens to be my favorite if not one of my favorite months, since November is also high on the list. 

As most would say, Autumn gives off a nostalgic and even melancholy vibe, making it easy, pleasant and soothing to remember past Autumn seasons. There's something about the shifted sunlight, the cooler air and the green leaves turning into a leaves full of painted hues. There's also something about this special season that makes it even more enjoyable and interesting to think and look ahead into the near future- the end of the year, as well as into the new year that looks fresh, bright and positive. 

Fall brings in a new perspective for me. It's a time that I usually feel more inspired, creative, even motivated at times to pick up things once again- crafts like knitting or watercolor or embrace the hidden baker in me and add a list of certain desserts or treats that I would like to bake, or simply pick up creative writing again and let the world of ideas inspire me. Activities like walks and runs and just being in nature allows me to gather the creative spark I need. Seeing the sun set gradually over the hillside, waving the sunset pigments like a flag for all to see, or a leaf fall ever so gently and quietly as a hush. This month has been full of enjoying outdoors and creating a new energy, motivation and letting my thoughts run and merge together. 

There haven't been all  easy days this month. Some have turned out to be better than others, while others have been harder than I anticipated or wanted. But there's been beauty all around, and reminding myself of that has been helpful. Reminding myself  to enjoy this time, the nature, the people right in front of me has shown me a renewed spirit of gratitude, hope and joy. 

But this time of year makes it easy to reflect, upon these past many months. I think looking back in the year is a time of self reflection and seeing how much one has grown, learned, and even changed. It can be one of sadness, or melancholy from things that used to be. Also of hope and faith for things ahead. October comes with its charm, but also its gradualness of change and feelings of stillness and nostalgia..

 Here are some highlights of the past Octobers/Fall seasons:

Loving Pumpkins on Magazine (October 2016)

Giving a toast to my dear sister and brother -in -law at their wedding reception (October 29, 2016)

Dressing up as Mexican Painter Frida Kalho (Halloween 2016)

Finding a beautiful colored leaf after a nice run (Fall 2019)

Eating out at a Persian Restaurant (Nov. 2016)

Made a squash pizza! (October 2018)

 Walk near Lake (Nov. 2016)

The gray sky with the orange leaves (Fall 2016)

Pumpkin Pie from a pumpkin patch (October 2020)

 

Celebrating Halloween with dear Santiago (Halloween 2019)

Loving the colorful leaves! (Fall 2017)

Making Chicken Soup (Nov. 2018)

Here are just some special memories and glimpses. There are some nostalgia with certain memories but imbued with beauty, graces, fun, stillness and creativity. Let the leaves continue to Fall, the crunch among steps taken and the crisp air arise, and the harvest glow, pink and burnt, and pumpkin flicker. 

Something Good

 This past week I wanted to make a list of ideas to challenge myself with, to look forward to as a way to keep track of the week better and hopefully remember the good things (big or small), interesting, funny or simply take in the moment. There are some things I didn't cross off, that I didn't start to do yet, and others that I tried to do but throughout the midst and business, or mere routine of the week, it got lost. 

I started the week out with early morning daily Mass. I knew it would be a bit tight for my schedule, but I was willing to give it a shot. I knew I needed all the graces that Monday to start out the day, a new week. It was a beautiful Mass and was grateful I made it there early enough to get in on time. And something about waking up early enough to still see the stars, the shining crescent moon before sunrise appears every so gently, brightly is so special, glorious, and grace filled. A whole new day ahead, what will God bring, and how will this new gift of a day unfold? 

The Mass and the priest giving it was very nice, and reverent, however, not a very nice or reverent thing happened right before communion. A young man announced something walking into the church with a face covering and a blanket over him, and everyone looked at him, tense, pensive, afraid as I was. Who was this random guy making a big scene during Mass, right before the most important part of receiving the Eucharist. He claimed he was Christian, and Catholic in a haughty way very well knowing he was disturbing and interrupting the Mass. He turned around to walk right out of the church and shouted loudly enough for all to hear regarding priests and abuse scandals. The few of us at Mass all got in line to receive communion like that occurrence never happened, returning peacefully, silently and prayerfully, as well as the priests.

That day for me though didn't turn out to be so peaceful as I would have liked, hoped or prepared for. It actually spun  around to be one of emotional turmoil, with a constant flow of tears, questions, doubt, upset, confusion. It was a day that I wanted to end as quick as the heavy emotions came that drained me and took the life out of the beauty of the day. I can't help but think now about how that young guy came in to disturb and bring in unrest and a loud disposition for all to hear. I didn't understand the point of it, but perhaps a gnawing conscience or seeking attention in a way that is anything but peaceful or silent as our world is experiencing today. 

How quickly the turn of my thoughts, my emotions came that lasted the rest of that day and I remembered the nice Mass that morning (besides the intruder) and the list I had made for the week and  I felt like I had already failed. But I had to let things subside before I could regain control again of my thoughts, my feelings and emotions and take charge again to let God continue to work amidst the puffy eyes the next morning. Luckily, things turned out better as I focused on things other than the previous day, and God's graces to help me. 

I finished my notebook that I had been writing in for the past few months (quarantine time made me write a lot!) and I jotted some things down on this last page. "And here I am, the last page of this notebook, so fast! Today was a much better day, better attitude and energy going forward. And trusting God will lead me through, as well as my favorite saints. Loved St. Maria Faustina's diary and parts that I read today. 'Do not fear anything. I am with you. These matters are in my hands and I will bring them to fruition according to My Mercy, for nothing can oppose My will.' "

Some other highlights from this week, beautiful, peaceful and glorious late afternoon/early evening walks and runs. The perfect weather and time of Fall season to be outside. Going to Apple Hill with some family members. :) Nice prayer time at church and adoration, picking up many books from library- about some saints, and language books! Received spearmint yarn in mail to start knitting my project, finished watching the classic old movie, 'The Bells of St. Mary's' with Bing Crosby and Ingrid Bergman. I loved every minute of it, funny, engaging and interesting story line and dialogue. The ending had a lot to do with accepting God's will even when its against yours and how trusting and later understanding in it comes joy. 

Here's to a happy and peaceful Fall weekend, as a new week will begin again!

 

Bonjour October!

 October is here! And I remember the many beautiful things about October and Fall in general. The lighting, the coolness to the air, the crunch of leaves and the orange and red highlights in dispersed in the leaves are some of the outward depictions and changes that I love. I can't deny that I'm looking forward to wrapping up this year overall, and seeing how these weeks, and months unfold. 

What I also love about Fall is the deeper awareness, appreciation of reflection, and contemplation. There's a real beauty of connecting with nature in this way, and I always feel like this distinct season does that for me. It comes where I can depict previous Autumns and reminisce and go back in time to what was happening them. 

I have vivid and special memories from when I was a student in Junior College and actively participating in student events and creating them, getting to know the other people involved in student government and finding my place, and inspiration in my English classes. Or the days after college and enjoying the freedom of no longer being a student and embracing planning lessons for students, and walks and runs on crisp and cool Fall mornings at a favorite park. Even the hard parts and days come back to me in full swing when not a lot was going on, like in Fall 2018 or feeling stuck, uninspired and undergoing big transitions like in Fall 2016.

This Fall also has its own unique vibe to it. It's the first Fall without my sweet sister above me in a couple years, and a time when distant learning has its own learning curves, adjustments or even lack of real stimulation. It's a time that is very special and distinguishable, but also one of a little nostalgia from years past. I can recall many memories from last Fall season and how enjoyable they were and sharing time with my sister at home. Those nail times, classic movie dates we would make for ourselves, and going together to Mass, how precious they were! But this time has its own intimacy, uniqueness and describable feelings of growth, realizations and a surge in faith and continued trust for what's ahead.  

Something that I've had on my mind lately as a dose of inspiration and goals is to study French! I haven't touched it in years and years, but the desire of starting it up again has rekindled a side project and a deeper awareness of the culture, history, and even a lot of the saints whom I didn't even know had a French background. I feel that there are many saints who I will grow in devotion to and feel more connected to due to embracing the French language again. 

There was a memory that came up for me recently from a former contact back in Junior College, and how for a little bit of time we would text each other in French. And I realized how much came back to me and the advantage of communicating through writing in a foreign language can be, also the fun and enjoyment. That Fall I had a burned CD of songs I liked that my sister burned for me and I named it 'Bonjour Ami', since that's how my old friend and I would start our French conversations. 

I feel these (French) saints can inspire and help me throughout this season and journey; Sts. Louis, Zelie and Therese of Lisieux and the many others that I have come across that I want to learn more about and grow in devotion to.  Happy start to Fall, all things festive, pumpkin and apple, scarves and caramel and spice lattes and a list of inspirations to carve out the year!

Embracing Simplicity

 'Divine Heart in my Soul', 'Sacred Heart Divinity', these are some of the names I come up with while looking out the large window that overlooks the school, the majestic mountain and hillside and the 3 letters that have made me become creative with how I can rely on God's presence. There has been a lot of creativity and innovation this year, and its pretty amazing to say the least. God knows how humans work and function and also how much we are capable of. These past months have been no easy feat, and there is still more to come! But I now can look at the past with gratitude for what the present is giving and understand a little bit better. 

The way my job, and so many others' look now can feel almost laughable or sad of how things have drastically shifted and changed. I know I would be really upset if how things look now with my work, my schedule if it was 5 months prior. And though there is still enough to complain about, I feel that I was in a far worse spot in terms of not knowing, waiting and waiting, anticipating and hoping. But now my 'job' is to keep on hoping, but also to make due, and make the best of the situation at hand. 

Coming up with the acronyms like the ones I mentioned above are a simple thing, but helpful for me to see God at work in all the changes, uncertainty and even dullness. It draws me back to a spiritual realm that can often be forgotten when things start to feel  mundane, predictable or slightly boring, and trying to find joy in the ordinary. I was only recently complaining about life now looking really simple, or rather my schedule or how things appear now. But thinking it over and talking with my sweet sisters, praying about it and reading some saints' lives, brought me back to the reality that simple is where God reigns, and where we will find Him. And simplicity is what we are called to in various forms, and what the saints were called to as well. 

I'm reminded by what St. Maria Faustina writes about in her diary- Divine Mercy in my Soul. It's all about an intimate and deep prayer life with Jesus, and uniting her sufferings, work, misunderstandings, joys and prayers with Him. She had to undergone various trials in her faith and throughout her time in the convent life as a Mercy Nun, but her strive and desire for holiness and union with Our Lord is a beautiful example. She writes, "My life is not drab or monotonous, but it is varied like a garden of fragrant flowers, so that I don't know which flower to pick first, the lilly of suffering or the rose of love of neighbor or the violet of humility. It is a great thing ti know how to make use of the present moment!" She had a simple life, but one of joy, purpose and full of trust in God's plan. 

My dear sister recently finished reading about Saints Zelie and Louis Martin, the parents of well known, Saint Therese of Lisieux. Now I am reading more about them, their story, faith journey, home life, sufferings, trials, and joys. I see that Zelie's and Louis's lives were fairly simple, even before meeting each other. They had a divine meeting and felt called to one another in marriage though before that they both felt a desire for religious life. I'm really impressed by both of their strong faith life and spirituality and trust in God. And obedience in God's plans for their lives, St. Zelie a lace maker, and St. Louis a watch maker they pursued a strong work ethic and I greatly admire them for that. As well as a  commitment to their family. I was praying to St. Louis as I was finding a watch to purchase today, and I find one though its very simple, its useful and another simple way to remember him. 

God shows us other ways for simplicity, and He is the best teacher since the world is easily carried away by complexities, drama, and mere noisiness. I recall a few years back creating a whole list of things I wanted to accomplish in a few months time (it was an Autumn list). I remember getting energized and excited thinking of ideas and new things brainstorming and writing it while I was at the library. 

However, I remember getting too consumed with all these ideas that it almost felt like checking them off would create for a 'better' season in ways of productivity, beauty, ect... It was by doing rather than enjoying, or taking things in that was the main force. Don't get me wrong, I love making lists alynd getting inspired through it but I see more beauty with accepting the present and not getting over worried by the outcome. As I wrote in my notebook recently as a little reminder to myself, "Embrace the present, don't look for changes, accept, appreciate, love what you have been given. It will lead you to where God has planned and prepared you to go."

Flashbacks That Don't Fade

 I recently had a flashback. At first it was subtle and I didn't think much of putting words down on paper, but just letting it sift through my mind and then disappear like most flashbacks do. But then just yesterday, a similar flashback occurred that was stronger and much clearer. It was almost vivid where I can remember the feeling of things, words, emotions, and experiences. I looked around for my notebook diary later, the one that I wrote in during that time that was actually more like a prayer journal, and I knew I had to write about it. The memories and flashbacks from 2010!

It started with celebrating my sweet sister's birthday yesterday (2 days early) at her new apartment. And watching the light hearted rom-com 'Leap Year'. I wouldn't think that this movie would bring back so many memories and start up again this 'flashback'. But a little over 10 years ago, I turned 18 and watched this  movie, enjoying it and thinking it clever. I think my older brother liked parts of it (and the main character reminded me of him):), but my younger brother didn't like it at all, and couldn't understand why I would want to see it again just a week or two later when my dear sisters were home to share in the laughs. I also remember my younger brother and I had quite a lot of arguments, and bickering with one another during this time.

The summer was slowly turning into Fall that year and transitions would be happening, again. The Fall before was very difficult and painful with all 3 of my older sisters moving out in the same week, amidst the changes and adjustments with my little brother, academically hard classes, the daunting responsibilities of being President for a club, and feeling lonely and the weight of it all. I knew that it would look different arriving into my Senior year of HS, but still didn't know what to expect. And perhaps some pressure of making it a great year, with activities, opportunities, friends,ect... I was used to having my own room after my sister moved out for college, so the freedom of decorating it and designing if how I liked wasn't as new or weird for me. 

The summer was somewhat busy with helping out with my oldest sisters day camp in Santa Maria, and staying with her, my brother-in-law and cute niece. I remember my brother-in-law drove me from the half way point all the way to Santa Maria for my sister's camp and mentioning what I might like to study in college or where I'd like to go for school. I didn't have much of an opinion, but somehow Math was on my mind since I did really well Junior year, liked my teacher a lot and felt really proud in how well I did, and actually enjoyed equations, numbers. That obviously quickly changed. Words, writing, books and the English world would continue to captivate and interest me.  There was also planning for the other Catholic girls camp I would help out with each year and the excitement and enjoyment of seeing all my friends and contacts again was pure summer, and a big reward from a whole school year of long awaited reconnecting. 

In early August, my sister had a great idea of making a road trip of visiting our cousin in Ashland, Oregon. We had some childhood memories in Ashland and in parts of Oregon and many, many with our only girl cousin, and it had been a while. That trip with the 4 of us sisters up to the 10 hour or so drive was fun, exciting, exhausting, and a weekend to remember, now 10 years later!

Throughout this time, I would write letters with my dear older brother Matthew. He knew I was in Santa Maria for a week so he wrote me a letter sent there where I was staying. My dear sister moved back to SF come August or early September, and I knew the hard parts would start all over again. With a newness to the school year, figuring out recurring friendships, and knowing 2 friends of mine would be moving away was hard and uncertain. I can't remember all the details, but I interviewed and got a job at IHOP and it was an exciting start but also a very daunting one, it being my first 'real' job. And with the demands of harder classes, since I was also taking challenging classes like AP Psychology, Civics, and Anatomy. It was a nerve racking new role of going to work after school and also studying for quizzes, tests and accomplishing assignments. 

What also brought a flashback to me was wearing earrings yesterday that my dear sister gave to me for my birthday 10 years ago, and I wore them to a homecoming dance. And the dress was one she shopped for and got for me. :)

That first semester felt like a learning curve. I visited my dear sister in SF but I regret I should have made more of an effort for other visits. Taking public transit by myself was also a new and somewhat scary thing. But I remember when I visited her, it was a lot of fun, seeing her nicely decorated room and living space, going to the Opus Dei center, and talking late into the night- mentioning the club at school I used to have and feeling pressure restarting it, and loving her new hair do with her blunt bangs, and just sister soul talk. I missed her at home but visiting her quaint and cute place felt almost as homey in my heart. 

Like I mentioned, I was writing letters to my older brother who I looked up to a lot and the friendship and bond we had was so special, comforting, a treasure. The letters cheered me up when I was having hard days, or just when I needed a friend, a connection, or a guy's perspective. I still have kept these letters as I find them really interesting and special to look back on, reminiscence the old days and what was going on in our lives. 

I remember I always looked forward to family visiting to bring a little brightness, comfort and excitement. Things were shifting and it was always really nice to hear about my siblings' lives as they looked so different from mine. Their presence was a piece of home that once was, but it was always really hard when one or multiple of them left after a weekend or a holiday function. I always felt like I was left behind, I couldn't relate, couldn't be part of it after they left. I recall many tears, sadness and emotional struggle as the transition was so hard and trying to be inspired or look forward to things was challenging initially. 

Looking back, I can see all these growing pains, experiences as so unique, and special. Peeking into the views of my high school mind, and now working at a high school is very interesting! Sometimes I don't feel too different in the ways I think or do things, but overall have learned, gained, and experienced so much this past decade. As the well known author Sandra Cisneros foretells in her short story 'Eleven' that's written about which some of the students I work with are reading ,..."Even though you continue to age, you bring along the past with you. The past experiences of the younger you is still a part of your personality even as you get older." 

What will be next? What will the next 5, 10 years look like? In all honesty I have no idea and would never thought all that happened would and where I am today. Life can be full of surprises, and God is the master of it all. May He continue to lead me by the hand. 

Walking in Hope

 It feels so interesting going back to a place you've been and see things differently, in a new way, a different form, past memories, thoughts, feelings. It's like everything is drifted away somewhere in the sky like a balloon, and it wont come down. I can recall these memories from before school closed due to COVID-19, there were so many questions as to how things would look and the outcome of it all. I remember back in the middle of March hearing about the closure of school for a definite 4 weeks was a blow for me but I heard some students exclaiming in excitement from a 'break'. 

As I was walking on campus and headed back to my classroom I remember the daunting thought of it all. What would I do for 4 weeks? I felt sad and unsure of what things would look like and for how long. It was all very strange, and felt out of control. Of course, those 4 weeks extended themselves and added up to the rest of the school year and though summer was different it wasn't much easier either. 

It has been such an interesting journey these past months as many can say the same based on their own unique, difficult, and heavy situation. It feels almost surreal that I am back where I once was physically but feel interiorly different- grown, changed, experienced. These past 5 months have really shaped me and stretched me in ways I would have never imagined, wanted or anticipated. No one saw what was starting to happen in March coming, or the effects and extreme aftermaths. 

It was a deep challenge and loss to not be able to finish out the school year, and instead have things turn out the way they did. There would have been a lot of joy and excitement ending a school year, saying goodbye to students and starting off summer that was well deserved, appreciated and enjoyable. 

However, I wouldn't be in the spot I am now if it weren't for all the suffering, waiting, anticipation, and disappointment these past months. I feel like I've learned a lot about myself and I wasn't even in the classroom, or on a school campus. The school of life was the teacher, I was the student and the test was perseverance, faith, courage, and hope.

Now with a new school year ahead, journey and added doses of faith and hope, I'm excited to see what God has in store. It wont be an easy breeze as its a whole new chapter that looks similar on the outside but very different on the inside. But I feel grateful for where I am now, and see all the graces from God. I don't feel as attached to what was as my mind is a bit blurry since the sense of pain, suffering and waiting are more vivid and clear, yet they have and are providing virtue and a testament of faith. Hindsight is always 2020, and isn't it interesting, funny, ironic even that we are in the year 2020, when hopefully the hardships will be more clear later on. 

And to give this year of 2020 more credit, and a positive stroke, I want to think of 20 things I am grateful for either in general or from this year, and 20 things I am looking forward to. The year isn't over yet and even if its been a debilitating, frustrating, uncertain, challenging year, good things will come from this, even simple things that I continue to remind myself of. 

So with this next step, journey in the road, the little steps of every day are important. And though it can feel dry (not just with the air quality) but also in other facets, God is the fountain of life and will water where I am planted, grounded and blooming even when it doesn't feel like it.

A New Season

 It's the last night before my dear sister moves out. It's also my other dear sister and my brother-in-law's wedding anniversary, and his birthday. Today marks the first day of school, online, and I can't help but think of a year ago anticipating what would happen, and waiting for an outcome with my job. Now a year later, so much looks different, but I can see a lot of growth and graces amidst the changes and transitions. 

Yes, transitions are a part of life. Now it is summer and pretty soon the layers of the sun will peel into Fall, a Libra sun and golden and orange leaves and the year will be slowly wrapping up. I can admit that I am looking forward to the next season not just in terms of the calendar year but also the next phase in the journey.

As I was exiting the church this afternoon, I couldn't help but notice the magnolia trees outside, and how they no longer had their white flowers blooming, beautiful for all to see. I forgot that by August they go back to their 'regular' look and it wont be until next spring when they will show off their 'perfume' once again. I love these trees and my dear sister knows how much. She recently gave me a card with a picture of them with a very endearing, meaningful and special message. I see these white flowers as a sign of hope.

 But now with these white blossoms no longer present, it makes me see hope and God's ways in a new light. I see hope not absent completely, but rather growing silently, progressively, mysteriously hidden. These flowers are now gone and this next season of growth and transition aren't absent of hope and joy nor bleak with running colors of gray like a water color piece. I see this next season as a season of trust and confidence, continual hope even if I can no longer see the white flowers, even if it will look differently and won't necessarily be easy. God is still at work, though it is hidden and mysterious, it is still beautiful. 

This stillness, silence, solitude is all what I am learning about in the book I am reading called 'The Power of Silence' by Cardinal Robert Sarah. Silence is the way God speaks and how He moves and works. It is through silence that He communicates and how we hear Him. I find the points and reflections in this book to be awe inspiring and full of meaning, depth and introspection. It allows you to reflect and think about the Presence of silence and the presence inside of you.

And relying on this Presence, God is allowing me to trust more in everything else that feels very difficult, bitter and confusing. I felt drawn to a bracelet while browsing a Christian store, and the verse on it Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things in Him who strengthens me." And it just so happened to be this same verse that my dear sister wrote on a pouch for Christmas. This verse also helped me a lot when I was going through a rough time earlier this spring with my sleep, and I wrote it near my bed so I would see it. And it will provide consolation now as this next season awaits to begin, a new journey, a new adventure.

Another form of consolation was seeing the Tuesday prayer to St. Anthony of Padua. I thought it was very relevant in what I was going through. "St. Anthony, you were challenged by change and new experiences so many times in the course of your life. Help me not to be afraid of the changes that will take place in my own life and to realize that by dealing with them I will grow in faith."

As transitions and changes happen, prayer and seeking that consolation is very helpful. What also helps me is delving into creative projects, thoughts, and goals. I still need to keep my mind busy and somewhat active, hopeful for the future and inspired with possibilities and ideas. For God knows what I need, how I am made and the plan for what is ahead.

A Fine Pearl

'The kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls, when he finds one of great value he goes and sells everything he owns and buys it.'  Matthew 13:44-52. 

The pearl of great price, this was the message from yesterday's readings and though I've heard it many times before, various situations and circumstances can make me reflect upon it even more, in a different way. I think that's the beauty of scripture, its God's word and its alive and active in our life and what we are going through.

I'm not too familiar with pearls but I know that my birthstone is the gem pearl. I think its an elegant, classy and beautiful jewel and it happens to be a metaphor in part of yesterday's Gospel reading. While watching the Mass online, the priest mentioned how the pearl of great price is Jesus himself. To be focused on him, instead of other stones, rocks and gems that shouldn't be as important or valuable in our lives. As the priest said, they are all rocks that can be tossed, but we should never lose sight of the rock of our faith, Jesus.

I found this to be a great reminder as its easy to lose sight of the real things that matter instead of being distracted and tossed by the waves and storms of life. Jesus is always present, and we need to put him at the center of our lives.

Yesterday, my 3 older sisters and I got together for our sister day. It had been almost a year since we had gathered together with just us, no other people, distractions or events in the making. It was a glorious and beautiful day, with a lot of laughter and talking, connecting and our lives, hearts and thoughts embracing and uniting again. I realize more and more how precious this time is as 2 of my sisters present yesterday are married with families, and my older sister above me is moving away to another area. There are various transitions in our lives, all looking different, yet all grounded from the same faith, family, love and understanding as sisters- as nothing else can replace that!

I feel that we are all pearls. We are each living out our gifts, dignity, faith, beauty in its own unique way that God has prepared for now. As my oldest sister put it who couldn't be there yesterday for our special gathering, "You are each a light in this world." And with that I think of Christ's light shining in us, upon us.


I think of the pearl as a symbol in beauty, growth, strength, dignity and how it's not lovely and beautiful all on its own or all by itself, but as I wrote before, from another post- a pearl from an oyster, that a pearl was formed and created out of something, from a situation, a hardship, a circumstance, ect... And in this time of transition, hardship, growth there will be pain and there will be struggles. But being with my dear sisters yesterday allowed me to see that strength, hope, and beauty in all of it, this journey ahead! And to know that we have the greatest pearl ever hoped for, Jesus himself.

Seeds of Growth

I came across a journal entry in a notebook of  mine written exactly a year ago. It's so interesting to look back on and all that was happening, the small and big shifts that were happening by day and pondered at night. How strange it is to reflect upon it all when this year looks completely different! The main difference is the coronavirus pandemic we are facing. There are other differences though subtle, that reflect upon a year ago and the similarities beat together as being internal growth, growing pains.

There were many questions a year ago for me as what I would be doing in terms of work and the structure of it all. How would it happen, what to do about it and where to go. They were hard questions to figure out and discern but the weight of them were lifted for a time when I could just enjoy the ambiance of a library or cafe and study on my own time. I would let the daunting thoughts drift and fizzle away while I read a book or drank a vanilla creme whilst doodling and jotting down notes in my notebook. But some how, someway those thoughts would linger and arsie again and I would be faced with more discernment, application and job opportunities to research, and holding onto hope and trust like no other.

I became really motivated in studying for the English CBEST. I felt a great desire and need to pursue something academic since my last work place wasn't very challenging or enriching in thought. I remember I would send my brother a picture of my studies while he was abroad in Costa Rica and day by day was feeling the rewards of progress of studying for an exam, and pursing something.

Walks and runs were and still are very important to me. I feel that I am able to let out my internal energy and set about new ideas, inspiration while sorting out thoughts in my head as I jog and take in the beauty and peace of the scenery.  The vision that really helped me and lifted my spirits was while I was taking a walk or running and envisioning Jesus guiding me along and holding my hand. But he wasn't next to me but rather in front of me, almost like showing me where to go, what path to take. It was very comforting since I had no real idea of what would happen next and what to do and how things would look. But knowing that God has a plan and was guiding me step by step was reassuring that I was on the right path.

Today is the feast day of St. Bonaventure, and I specifically remember attending daily Mass and learning more about this saint from the priest and an excerpt in the Magnificat readings. What was written was so beautiful and deep, I decided to write it in my notebook.

"Beloved friend of Jesus Christ, examine carefully what kind of love your most sweet Jesus expects of you. Your great lover certainly wants you to give him your whole heart, soul and mind, so that there may be absolutely no one else in heart, soul and mind to share your love with him." - St. Bonaventure

And part of my commentary on this quote I will also share:

"...How relevant it is in thinking of solely focusing on Him, creating a stronger commitment and relationship and entrusting everything to Him, for Him and through Him. He is preparing my future with His holy will and ardent love. To no longer fear, but to instead hold onto His beautiful and sacred heart, and His guiding and loving hand. For He will show me the way."

Reflecting upon what I wrote, it enkindles this same desire to draw closer to Our Lord during these difficult and confusing times. I feel that I'm in a whole new season of growth and learning, pain and suffering. But to know that He is still leading, guiding and loving me every step of the way. Striving to embrace this time of more quiet and open time, since listening requires effort and God speaks in whispers and moves in silence has been helpful.

I want to continue to have some things to look forward to in order to make this internal season of growth more enjoyable, memorable and inspiring. As a creative melancholy, I'm always looking for ways to enhance the use of my hands in projects, thinking of innovative ideas and creating a playlist in my head of memories, thoughts, and goals that lift me up and keep me inspired while marching to beat of my own drum.

While writing this post, the main point resurfaced in my mind of relating it all back to this past Sunday's readings of the Gospel of Matthew 13:1-23 in  planted in God's word, and producing good fruit ..."But the seed sown on rich soil is the one who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirty fold."

And the beautiful Psalm 65: The seed that falls on good ground will yield a fruitful harvest.

I want to close with sharing this excerpt from an enriching and very lovely faith and scripture journal from my dear sister a few years ago. It is one that was so relevant to the main message and brought a flow of consolation.

"It may not feel like it now, but you will survive this season. You will look back and remember with discomfort how it felt to be stripped of all that felt safe but really stunted your growth. And then with joy you'll praise Him because Jesus, the Master Gardener, has prepared blooms for you that you and those around you could not have witnessed otherwise. We were created to bear fruit. Today's painful pruning paves the way for tomorrow's blooms."

Embracing Memories, Embracing the Heart

"You must believe in truth that whatever God gives or permits is for your salvation." St. Catherine of Siena

I came across this quote recently, one that I wrote down when I was searching for inspiration, spiritual enrichment and consolation a while back. I remembered it again recently and it instantly brought back memories from New Years Day of this year. My dear sister, Santiago and I went to Mass celebrating the Solemnity of Mary and the New Year at the church St. Catherine of Siena. It wasn't planned where we would go as it happened with ideas unfolding of visiting that church not too far and seeing the priest we knew of who was pastor there. It was a beautiful, quaint, and traditional church and a lovely Mass and it was nice to be able to speak with and say hi to the priest we knew of.

It brought back memories of that special first day of the year, with all of the anticipation, excitement, freshness and possibilities of a new year ahead. Thinking how would God let things unfold in His mysterious and beautiful plan. So much that would be unexpected and it rings true now with how  2020 has unfolded.

There has been great angst and uncertainty with this pandemic and all the orders and regulations in place, not to mention deep disappointment, and fear with processing everything. So much has happened in a matter of a few months, it feels the world is upside down. There are still many unknowns and questions about the future and how this will look for the rest of the year for everybody.

With the sudden news of Igancio's heart diagnosis and praying for a miracle for successful surgeries and recovery, for healing these past winter and spring months. With the even greater sad and heart wrenching news of his passing after his short life of 4 days, but the beautiful witness of his life and my sister and brother-in-law's faith, courage and strength in these very challenging and grieving times was impressive, a positive force. I think of him often and am so grateful I was able to meet him and kiss his forehead many times. I feel with great confidence that he is praying and looking down on us, and interceding for us  in heaven, a sweet angel. I would be his God mother and Aunt, but now I feel that he is sending me more prayers and consolation than I even prayed for him.

All that he had to go through from his short, precious life really shows God's mysterious ways and reasons. It points to a bigger picture of eternity, and of death that we all have to face at some point in our lives. His sufferings, discomfort, and heart surgery portrays Jesus' own wounds and suffering on the cross and this relationship couldn't be more powerful or spiritual enriching during these questioning times.

What also helps me is reflecting upon the many months of when my dear sister was pregnant with him, when he was growing in her womb. When I look at it this way, there are so beautiful memories and moments shared. Even at this New Years Day Mass, Ignacio was present. In so many other times, situations, and events he was there and part of the picture, along with the bonding time of my dear sister and I. How couldn't he be more present, a spiritual intercessor reigning down from heaven for us now.

I look back at the pillowcase I designed in early spring and thinking of his heart diagnosis. I drew a smaller heart and larger heart  with the word 'heart' written in Arabic, depicting his sweet heart resting on his mother's and receiving his life supplements while in the womb. And now in eternal rest embraced with the Sacred Heart of Jesus, it beats stronger than before, with a greater love, intensity and strength.

 Going back to the quote from St. Catherine of Siena, it made me realize and reflect upon more that God is using all of these struggles, crosses, sufferings and unknowns for our salvation, for something greater. It's almost like St. Catherine of Siena was saying this herself, a gentle and quiet whisper  coming from heaven that crisp New Years Day, preparing us for the trials, and tribulations ahead, but with the certainty of the gift of peace and graces needed from our Lord.

God's Woven Stitches

I don't feel that it is ironic that the same month my dear, sweet nephew and God son was born in the month of the sacred heart of Jesus. Praying the litany to this devotion tonight was so beautiful. Reflecting upon the goodness, sweetness, peacefulness and abyss of all virtues from His heart made me think of my newest nephew and God son's dear heart. It has already gone through its own trials, and pain and I know my dear sister and brother-in-law have experienced the same anguish, and deep suffering and are witnesses to it.

Jesus' heart has wounds, and in the sacred heart image it depicts these wounds with the crown of thorns- the same thorns which pierced his forehead and surrounded pain with bloodshed. His heart knows how to love because it has tasted the bitterness of sorrow, pain, and death.

When we are wounded exteriorly there is a pain, yet we can be healed through stitches or another form of healing and receive reassurance and solace in the suffering and hurt, and can see the physical wound and pain slowly leave. The wounds that are internal, and perhaps deeper take upon a different form, and one that isn't necessarily visible, or tangible. It's usually a more unique pain, and suffering that has its own timeline for relief, solace, and healing.

Stitches that go in one's knee or a relief from another outside wound has its own story to tell that can even sometimes leave a mark that's visible, and one that won't necessarily go away. However, the sorrow and suffering of an interior wound tells another story, and the healing process follows its own accord and journey.

My dear sister received stitches after her C-section to her sweet and beautiful son who was born on my birthday! I've only heard about the process and procedure and the journey of physical pain, soreness and the process of recovering and healing from this surgery. My mom underwent her 1st C-section with me and has told me a couple times how deathly afraid she was of the surgery, of the thought, and I manged to be born 3 weeks early in the early morning hours with a jaundice coloring. This dearest God son was born a little early also, and born in the middle of the morning. There was so much anticipation, preparation, excitement, joy, and waiting for this little one to finally come and make his appearance.

This sweet little one was born on my birthday, and I feel that birthdays are a time of renewal and another wonderful opportunity for new beginnings, a new year ahead, a new journey. God is continuing to stitch my story, write my story.

Every day has it's own stitches. And sometimes you feel like you dropped some and need to restitch and make up for the day before. It reminds me of knitting and with every stitch makes progress. Currently I am knitting a blanket for this sweet little one and I sincerely hope it can be a gift. If not to use right away, to remember, and to hold. It's a dark green and the color reminded me of the statue at the St. Raphael mission that I visited in December. He's a powerful saint and intercessor, and it's also the middle name of this precious and new little life.

Stitches are also a way of putting things back together, a form, and process of healing and recovery. Every time we go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation, God is putting back the pieces to our heart, our soul and the gift of his most precious blood heals all our internal wounds, our sin, our weakness.

On my birthday, I wore the shoes that needed repairing. Though not stitches, it needed glue, to be put back together and to be useful again. I didn't wear them for too long- just at the end of the day and celebration, but it reminded me of a bigger message about being put back together again, healed, renewed. The cute wedged shoes just point to something greater, deeper, and more beautiful.

I couldn't help but remember a beautiful excerpt from Venerable Fulton J Sheen's interesting and insightful autobiography. And I will write it here.

I can remember when, after four months in the hospital, I began to recover; I was reading Mass on an altar constructed over the bed before a few priests and friends. I spontaneously gave a sermon, which I remember so well. I said that I was glad that I had open-heart surgery because when the Lord comes to take us all, He will look to see if we have any marks of the Cross upon ourselves. He will look at our hands to see of the are crucified from sacrificial giving; He will look at our feet to see if they have been thorn-bruised and nail-pierced searching for lost sheep; He will look at our heart to see if that has been opened to receive His Divine Heart. Oh what joy is mine just to have endured the minuscule imitation of His suffering on the Cross by having a wounded side. Maybe He will recognize me from that scar and receive me into His kingdom.

With today being the feast of Sts. Peter and Paul, may their examples continue to lead and inspire us. And may this new little son of God and precious life, the treasure of my sister and brother-in-law's hearts, and the spiritual abode of mine these past nine months be protected, guided by God, and may we continue to trust in His Heart and plan.