This Week

 The first week of school is done! What a busy, tiring and somewhat long week. I wouldn't have anticipated how exhausting or busy it would be. There really is no comparison to how things were last year with zoom and distant learning and now being back in person. First, how are those Freshman now Juniors? They have grown so tall, and more mature and now upper classmen. I remember working with them in assignments and they were so new and fresh to high school and now they have whizzed through practically experts on high school and no longer a little person on campus. How fast time really does go!

Second, I feel so different than I did around a year ago. Mentally, for starters I feel healthier, busier and more fulfilled and part of something. I was searching for that last year, to grow and be part of something bigger and give my skills and interests, but I had no idea what it was. Little did I know it was right around the corner or rather right in front of my face that I never actually looked into. I was looking in other directions. 

Third, I didn't think I would miss any bit of what last year was and it what it brought. But surprisingly, this past week I was remembering and trying to detail the intricate memories of what it was like to be in a classroom solo and just get by, making the best of the situation. I somehow missed some of those moments because they were so personal, real and showcasing all I got. It was a challenge to keep it up and to know it was just a season. I remember how painful things were, and how much I was growing internally, but literally alone. I don't want to forget those days since I showed myself some of my true self in those hardest and loneliest moments. I don't want to forget it since its allowed me to grow and appreciate some of the lighter days now. I feel like its my own secret within the walls and no one else saw or knows it, of course besides God and others who I told and lamented to. 

Fourth, I want this school year to be a great one and memorable! I feel better and more excited so far, and also to continue and focus on this journey that I'm on; to continue to grow and learn most especially within my program. Its also a special time to be with my parents and cultivate more memories and just appreciate this time.

And 5th, to ultimately grow closer to God and what He wants for me in this season. There are many lessons and things to be learned and I want to hone in on what He is whispering, showing and guiding me. In the heavy traffic before work, I want to be more present to the day ahead and the great gift and blessing it is. And to know of His presence, love and provision is the most important thing to remember. He is never far off!

Summer Reading

 Once the last day of school was over, I went over to the local used bookstore. My intention was initially purchasing a gift card for my brother's birthday, but it was enjoyable browsing through some of the shelves. I came across the fiction section and John Steinbeck's books, one of them I had recently finished, 'The Pearl'. It felt like summer officially. I could relax and thoroughly enjoy perusing a bookstore after a very long, mundane, tumultuous, and growth filled school year (I am proud of myself for sticking out the school year!). I was excited to be having more time for reading and leisure after a busy semester and enjoy books of my choice.

Books, for me have been a long time love. I get excited and inspired easily when I am in a library or bookstore, thinking about what subjects or titles I would be interested in delving into, reading about, discovering if it piques my interest for short or long term. A side hobby is researching beforehand of topics or titles that the library might have and then awaiting the arrival of the book or finding it myself.

 When I went to the library a few days ago, I enjoyed browsing through the different aisles and sections and was surprised with coming home with a few books. I wasn't so much thinking about the few books I was carrying, bur rather that I had found nearly all of them in the library shelves and was actually interested in them enough to check them out, and not through research and a click through link + which a majority of books I get from. 

If I were to choose my favorite past time, it would be reading. It's the hobby that I never get tired or bored with; I can easily come back to it. It's the first thing that can help me rejuvenate when I'm mentally and socially drained, exhausted and just want to recharge and gain some inspiration and knowledge. Other things come after to help, but reading for leisure or spiritual reading always wins.

So far this year, I've read some new books that I have never read before, as well as some repeated titles. I know some people think its pointless to reread a book after reading it once, but to me, there are some exceptions. For instance, I am rereading 'Yes, Chef', by Marcus Samuelsson for the 4th time. He's my favorite chef, I love his journey and story, his passion for cooking and flavors. And there's so much detail along the way, its easy to forget or miss it the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time.  

In April, I reread for the 2nd time 'The Road to Daybreak' by Henri Nouwen. I love his writing, and his melancholy reflectiveness. He was a Catholic priest and wrote many spiritual books. I've read a few of his books, but I find it helpful, useful and enjoyable to read and well as reread his works. 

I mentioned earlier the classic, 'The Pearl' by John Steinbeck. I had read it once in the 7th grade of English class, but honestly, reading it this time around I gained so much more themes and meaning hidden within that as a 13 year old I easily missed.

In March, I reread 'My Sisters the Saints' by Colleen Carroll Campbell. I read it last summer and enjoyed it so much, learned and gained a lot from her journey of faith, vocation, marriage and motherhood as well as her favorite saints. She's a talented writer, and I would like to read her first book sometime.

There are a few other books that I have reread this year, and I found them to be inspiring once again after a short or long period. Though summer is slowly drawing to a close, with schedules restarting and progressing back up again, I will still find time to read, to enjoy the process of it all, and to continue to learn in various areas. My favorite season is coming up, and what better way to spend the crisp days turning the pages of a book.

Connecting Writing Like a Family Tree

 Writing is interesting. With more open time (though quickly coming to a close) I would think I would easily make more time and become inspired with creative writing. I've had this progression and plan for a story for some time but didn't know how to go about it since its more related to genealogy from my grandmother, my dad's mom. I have some research and family trees borrowed from my sister from my Uncle, and it was supposed to be this summer project especially after a busy spring. What better way to enjoy some downtime and create this fiction, non-fiction story and put it down on paper. 

I'm not sure why I haven't formed any substantial ideas to record and start the process. I blame some of it on not feeling creative enough, with not enough good ideas or just feeling a bit unstimulated at times and looking ahead to a busier schedule that may give me more inspiration and ideas I've been seeking. Or maybe not. Maybe when I am more preoccupied, I wont have time, energy or any good economic advantage to pursue this story.

I know with my story writing, it needs to come from within, from a deep sense and urge, motivation to create and share a story, a perspective, and a purpose to name a few. I think this story would have a purpose since it has to do with my history and lineage, the past colliding with the present. And when I was bored last year and not busy or stimulated at my job, I created a whole family tree of characters, families, different generations that connected. I loved thinking of their history, their names, ages, children and cousins, though it was all fiction, somehow it came easily onto paper to imagine another generation of characters that was already formed in my prior story. 

I think I sense the pattern. Of being innovative, and creating something out of nothing, forming a story to share, how wonderful and powerful that journey is. These last days of summer vacation I want to make meaningful, special, innovative, and maybe this story will become part of it as I lean in to developing my creative writing and cultivating that reward of inspiration again. 

The Roads of Gratitude

Driving around my sister's area became more and more familiar. It brings back memories from the different times I've visited her, the various seasons of the past year. I used to think it was such a special place, so beautiful, refreshing, truly an oasis from my daily scenery and life. (And it still is!) I had the idealism thinking that it was better there, with her and her boyfriend having great times together and when I would join them it spoke true to me, life was better in that area and more joyful. I would always come back home and feel like I was missing out on something, things just felt more refreshing there and time and memories with my sister in her new living area didn't have the void or the sadness sometimes I would feel without her. 

I would go back to work that next Monday and think of her work, her school and with my school year empty with me in my classroom alone at the computer and students, teachers and busyness where she was. I would think of the streets, how interesting and fun it was to drive around and see new parts and areas, and then come back home and feel the 'same old, same old' type of feeling that resonated deeply. That was a lot of 28, just the deep, melancholy, comparison life seemed to feel.

Yesterday, coming back home and driving across the East Bay with traffic galore, and always the scenic and inspiring view of the bay and city, I felt different. Driving back home was like coming back on the same stretch of road, not better, not less, but a sense of equal, a sense of gratitude. I realized how grateful I am to be where I am now, living situation but also able to visit my sister easily enough, and grateful and happy where I am. That there is a reason for every season of life, and I want to enjoy this one as much as possible.

 Coming back home felt nice and exciting, and to realize all the gifts I've been given and a sense of home is a special thing. To recognize the beauty more close by or just around the corners. It's not about looking back and forth to what others have or don't have, but being present to the realities right in front of me, the gifts and graces God has given me for this time. And to thoroughly enjoy quality time with my sisters is an added bonus. :)

Driving the roads was more of a bigger outlook, an inner peace to take in and create my own and to continue to appreciate. As the saying goes, 'wherever you are, there you are', but to cultivate this specialness, gratefulness and joy in my own living and not just see in it in newer places and spaces, but call it my own.

2014 Summer Transitions

 

As I was cleaning and going through prayer cards and other miscellaneous, I came across this magazine sheet. This now ripped, and worn paper that for some reason, years later I have kept. I don't know why, maybe its because I wanted to look back on it like I did yesterday. It was that time when I would write lists like this on a magazine page for a creative and fun effect. That was so 2014, using J Crew magazines for my own ideas and list writing.

But upon looking at this list, so many memories came back to me from that summer of 2014. It was a transition summer for me, graduating and saying goodbye to my junior college and heading to University. My place of living would be the same to save money, but the world of academics, friendships, contacts, and faith would be largely different. It was this summer and year where my faith was growing more and more, as I went to daily Mass, starting praying more regularly and receiving the sacrament of confession via the Opus Dei recollections once held at St. Isidore's. 

My dear sister Elisabeth and I would often to go to Mass together in the morning and then make plans and head off to the library or our favorite café spot to study language, read and talk. She was immersed in her Spanish studies and quickly developing them, and I was freshening up again on my Chinese (notice on the sheet, I crossed out German and wrote Chinese in red). I remember practicing writing the Chinese characters on a little whiteboard to practice and trying to memorize a certain number each day. I would be taking my first Chinese class that Fall and felt inspired to minor in the language. I wanted to learn as much as I could on my own before classes started. 

When I look back at that summer I see the transition, and the growth. Different worlds were colliding together, and I was slowly realizing and feeling it. My friendships and ties to my former campus were weakening and I felt called to continue to learn and pursue my faith which over time was helping me let go of some contacts and embrace what was before me- a whole new school and experience that was daunting, exciting, a whole new learning curve. And it wasn't what I expected or really wanted it to be. Those three years at University were soul crushing at times, incredibly isolating and lonely most times, but incredible growth and perspective in my faith, hobbies, interests, creativity, innovation and independence played out over it all. 

I couldn't help but notice writing on my summer list of researching more about a Masters in Library Science. I remember this was something that I was thinking about and considering. I was a declared English major and people could see me pursuing it. I don't recall how or when I let go of that idea, but throughout college it didn't come back, until a few years after post grad (it was actually brought upon by some family members). 

That time is pivotal and very distinctive in my mind. My sisters and I had a lot of fun times together, day trips to Santa Cruz, SF, bonfire with other young adult Catholics in our backyard, shopping, TOT events. Susie and I held the same job at Kumon, we would commute the short distance together and easily talk about our workday, duties and coworkers. I remember working a good portion of that summer, even when our nieces were visiting for 2 weeks and babysitting them, it was a busy time. Us sisters did a shopping haul and then did a fun photo shoot with what we bought. And my sister's nice, fancy camera captured our visits and sights to the vibrant and bustling city of SF. 

That summer, many summers ago now has been a focal point to the start of a new journey with language, more fun memories and laughs with my sisters, increasing my love for my faith and eventually figuring out my path in college and switching my interests and studies from English literature to International Studies. I know my two older sisters were going through their own times of trust, transition, faith and discernment as your 20's is very much notorious for!

Still relishing this summer, and all that's left and taking advantage of slower days and time to organize! Organizing makes other memories and past days come about, and easily makes my mind wander. Here's to the precious days of summer, and my parent's anniversary tomorrow!:)

Things Growing

 When I think about this season of the church known as 'Ordinary Time', I recall back to a homily from a priest a number of weeks ago referring to this season. He mentioned how children he was speaking to and showing the rectory to and some components of Mass and the priest like the priest's garments and the colors of the liturgical seasons. The children said the green color reminded them of 'things growing'. This priest referred to this liturgical season as anything but ordinary, but rather of our spiritual life growing, adapting and God leading us through the changes. 

I have kept this component from this priests' homily in my pocket. When I see the green decorations in the church I am reminded of this or the priest's vestments. I'm even reminded of this when I think about summer and see the glorious green beauty all around me, the blossoming flowers and their green leaves, or the magnolia tree's supple leaves showcasing the glory of the white, delicate flowers radiating this time of year. 

But I also think about my own season that I am in, and where I have been. Thinking about the changes I have experienced and endured around me as well as the good growth I have encountered. I come back to that point of 'growing' and changing in God's time.

I was recently visiting my sweet sister and immediately I was wrapped in a warm hug upon greeting, as well as the memories of the past visits to her cute apartment. All of those prior visits instill a distinct memory, time, feeling and season. 

The first time I visited her was just a few weeks after she had moved in and she was getting settled and adapted. I had helped her move in, and remember that well. My first visit though was Labor Day weekend, just a few short days after her birthday. She was happy, peaceful and excited to enter a new decade, a new year and make a place her own and enter into her career. It was so fun visiting her in her new area, her new home but also a bit challenging. Things still felt unsettled for me with this big transition and how the rest of the year would look for my job, ect... It was beautiful to explore a new area, and everything felt fresh and vibrant in the neighborhoods with the blooming flowers and trees, and the summer heat was still very much present with its blistering hand. It was a special time, but also a lot ahead, a lot of unknowns.

I visited my sister again in mid Fall, Halloween weekend which was a lot of fun! It was then that I met her new boyfriend she had recently stated dating. I had heard so much about him on the phone and in person, it was special to finally meet him. I had a lot of thoughts and memories about where my sister had been, the struggles she had had, as well as other guys she had dated in the past. He seemed so much different than all of them, better, and I could sense the chemistry, love, peace, and joy they had around each other. I knew there was a sense on my heart for a relationship, even as my sister asked me if I would want to, but I knew it wasn't the time, but the desire was there. I was happy for her. It was the time to consider my Masters program and applying for it, which I did a few days later. It felt like a new chapter, and the falling, crunchy leaves, roaming pumpkins, and the spice and caramel presence in the air made the excitement and celebration of a new season, and closing of the year more special.

My dear sister and I visited her in the middle of December, on the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe for a sleep over all together. We had some more quality time with her boyfriend, as well as sister chats and breakfast and  morning coffee together. Change of plans made us flexible with the Pandemic and the pouring rain while driving to In-N-Out and through the glassy streets of Tiburon, always notorious in my mind for the Fall dance a few years prior. The holiday season was upon us, as well as the busyness, excitement of intricacies and specialness of Advent. There was anticipation to start my program come the new year.

Winter came and went. My sweet sister and I were in touch and saw each other in my area, but it was difficult to slow down and gather the quality time we were seeking. I visited her in mid March, the first day of spring. It was exciting to end the winter season which felt long, cold and dreary. The countdown was on for spring break and the anticipation for blooms and warmer weather ahead! My parents and I met her boyfriend's brother and Mom and had a formal, delicious lunch together. Overall, it was a busy weekend with change of plans for Mass due to size limits and reservations, and a full morning of driving and navigating churches. It came about to be a busy week also, and just a lot to process. I was feeling burnt out with my program and job and was very much looking forward to Easter. 

And July, I visited after what felt like a long while though we had just seen each other the week prior for the 4th and some family gatherings. These memories came to me, and I realized the internal growth, development and journey. My sister's clean, vibrant, oasis of a place made me relax, and reflect. As I slept on the floor in her room that night, the blowing air and freshness of the fan made my mind consider all that has happened in a years time. It felt like a new freshness, growth has developed and the pictures on her walls of  blooms, and artwork fit the experience. 

While we were at Starbucks together, I saw pictures of plants on the walls, and it made these ideas, realizations all come together and help depict an image of gathering the growth, gratitude and being present to it all resonate within me.

That Time in July

 

I came across this picture while perusing through family photo albums a few weeks ago. It shows my mom, her younger sister and brother holding swimming ribbons and her mom proud in the background. Behind them is their beautiful home in Concord. As I saw this picture, it brought me instantly to a year ago today, and I knew I wanted to write about it. Its been so pivotal in last year's memories and what felt like a start to a new season of growing pains and changes of the heart.

I won't forget the day, July 13th, 2020. Actually, it started the day before in the evening when we were in the backyard eating some treats our neighbors had given us due to the loss of our dear nephew and grandson, Ignacio Rafael. I had an idea to do something the next day, to embrace these summer days. It was the feeling of having endless days that were free, but it was becoming more of a burden than a blessing. There was a sense of yearning, desire to do something, to be busy, productive but once again it was falling to myself. So, I said to my mom, "Let's go to Concord and see your old home." It would be nice to see her former house once again and also be in a different area. 

There were transitions that I was internally dealing with and processing such as Susie planning to move out, as well as anticipating a school year ahead with no idea how it would look like. I remember I went to Mass that morning, grateful to still attend indoor Masses amidst the Pandemic (it would only be a few days later that things would shut down again). 

There was so much stirring in my heart that I was processing. I felt so intensely the feeling of getting nowhere- of being in the same place and letting those feelings, and insecurities overwhelm me. This was mostly brought upon when I briefly saw an old acquaintance from ministry who was visiting that church and area with his wife and baby girl. (His older brother had just gotten married a few days prior). It felt so weird for me, and I remember there were so many deep emotions about it, again with seeing others lives 'move forward' and mine felt very stagnant. It felt like a piercing to my heart. I also remember lamenting to my sisters about this, and their understanding and own experiences relating to my own.

That afternoon, my mom and I drove to Concord, her reliving the streets, swim club, neighborhoods. It was interesting hearing about her memories, her upbringing, childhood years living in that house, siblings, and parents. It felt we were reliving the past and sneaking up upon it. 

My mom said it looked almost exactly the same, with a black cat at the door:)

I took a picture of the house seen above, but tried not to make it so obvious since a mom and her son were outside, her helping him applying sun screen before swimming. After the drive by and mom reminiscing about old neighbors on their court, we drove near Clayton to briefly visit St. Bonaventure's (his feast day is July 15th) and it was the parish my former non official spiritual director got transitioned to a few months prior. I had a lot memories of his time at his former parish. We just passed through the parking lot and saw some of the grounds but it didn't look like the church was open. 

Afterwards, my mom had the idea of going to the consignment store, "Growing Pains", used merchandise for children as she always enjoys purchasing clothes, books, and or toys for her grandchildren. But the name spoke for itself, I felt like I was going through my very own growing pains. On the way home, I tried to think of ideas to keep myself inspired and busy for the next few weeks. I thought of getting back into watercolor and painting, desperately trying to savor open summer days and time with Susie. 

I will share some of my journal writing from this time here:

"This summer feels so different than past ones. I can remember well last summer trying to figure out the next steps and applying to jobs. 2018 was a hard summer with one summer class, a little tutoring and a whole new feeling of being 26. 2017 was an active and busy summer, one that I still cherish after a long and a difficult journey being in school. This summer of 2020 has felt quite different, one than any before. I feel like my heart is in a whole new place, one where its never been before. Things are a lot more sensitive, tender and real. I really feel like there's a longing on my heart for something more, something deeper...

There are many big questions that feel daunting, like where's my life headed? What's going to happen? What will the future look like? How can my interests and passions be used in a more intimate, fulfilling, and purposeful way? How can I share my interests, talents, knowledge?

...This season, time will help me grow stronger in myself, my faith, and love for God- united to His sufferings and cross. I know He will give me the graces, peace, and consolation I need. Mary will also be my loving Mother, looking tenderly on me and sending me her lovely roses of graces and graces filled of light and hope, knowing full well Jesus her son will be interceding and guiding me on this path, this journey of life and faith." 

Susie and I made plans the next evening to go to Target just for some fun browsing and possibly some needed purchases. It was then that she told me I needed a new wallet, and she paid for it with her gift card:) We had fun looking around at notebooks and frivolous stuff and even trying on summer hats. Afterwards, I didn't want to go him just yet. She had the idea of driving by my old job- the preschool I used to work at! I hadn't passed by it since I stopped working there over 11 months prior and the memories and that time, those struggles flooded back to me. And I thought, 'oh why did I take that time for granted? Those sufferings weren't nearly as hard as now, and at least I had Susie at home.' It was like I missed those times in a mysterious way. So much was changing in front of me! 

That night, Susie pulled up her Facebook and we saw some photos of the wedding of the guy who was in ministry and helped plan alongside Susie. His journey was truly amazing and we were in awe of how and where God brought him to. We even browsed through his wife's profile, and Susie knew of her from years ago. Their story, journey and faith brought me a lot of hope and joy. 

I had the idea to make a list with Susie of some fun things we could do together before her move. Some of the activities we did were: movie night! Pride & Prejudice and a St. Therese documentary, walk together at a park, bike ride, water color paint night, reading nights, massages, language studies and a pilgrimage. I was so emotional that night with her and cried and cried about the unknown and all I was going through and just our lives separating at such an intense time for me. She listened and gave me words of encouragement. 

A Bible verse spoke to me during this time to help me remember the meaning and purpose of these growing pains and struggles that I was experiencing. "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born says the Lord."- Isaiah 66:9. 

Sophomore Slumps and Strides

 Freshman year came and went. Some things that developed from Freshman year lingered into Sophomore year of High school. My sister Susie mentioned to me about restarting a Pro-life Club on campus that our 2 older sisters had previously started a few years prior. I had played PYB basketball in 9th grade, but I felt up for the challenge to try out for the High school team and I heard more about it from a former teammate who was a year younger than me regarding training and tryouts. Susie and I were in Confirmation classes and were thinking about a confirmation saint to choose that we admired and could pray to, as well as a confirmation sponsor whom we looked up to and could pray for us. 

Elisabeth and I with face masks, late summer 2008

 

Sophomore year felt different than Freshman year. I could automatically tell the classes were harder, there were higher expectations, and I was figuring out my friend group. I would say it was a weird and somewhat awkward year navigating friends. I had a falling out with a friend from Freshman year, and was adjusting to a new schedule, new classes and trying to form some friendships within my classes. It wasn't always so easy. For instance, like P.E. which I had 1st period, I had a few other girls to talk to but overtime I didn't really connect with them as they were in Honors and AP classes and I definitely was not. I remember they would talk about their classes and academics a lot. It was kind of a safe group since they were very academic, and I knew I could at least be myself. 

A few of my classes after early morning P.E. weren't my favorite like World History and Biology. I can say I enjoy learning about History now, but as a 16 year old it all went over my head, and I didn't learn the way my teacher was introducing topics such as role play scenarios. It was a difficult class, as well as challenging to connect with my classmates. I had one friend who I sat with at lunch from that class, but I would call her more as an acquaintance/classmate.

 Bio was probably the most intimidating. It was a naturally hard subject for me with a cool teacher, but very challenging. My brother Matthew would sometimes help me with the material or quiz me for a test when he was home which was helpful. I remember feeling very alone though in that class with my thoughts, but also insecure in my test scores and interacting with others. I think I was also interiorly stressed, and my teacher could tell. It turned out that I got a 'D' my first semester and had to retake it my first semester of Junior year. Luckily, I passed with a 'C' my 2nd semester. Susie and I would often have time together during 'Brunch' time which was after this class. It was nice to catch up about our days and just lament to her about Bio frustrations. 

Math was next and it was interesting. We had a new teacher, somewhere in her mid to late 20's. She was nice, but too nice to some of the annoying and popular kids who would draw boundaries like purposely mixing up her last name to make it the name of an alcoholic drink! About 2 or 3 weeks into the school year, my classmates and I came to class and our teacher wasn't there! We found out that she left, she quit and another math teacher had to use his prep period to take our class for the remainder of the school year. He was an okay teacher, and it was there in that class that I reconnected with my old friend Katie who I had briefly known of in elementary school and saw her around Freshman year. I also didn't connect with any of my classmates, and she was having a really rough time with her friend group who eventually all left her. I introduced her to my one friend, Natalie from History and welcomed her to our secluded spot at lunch to join us. Eventually, that nice little spot became more popular with some other contacts and friends joining later that year and into Junior year.

English was also a low favorite that year. My 6'10 teacher made everyone feel short, and his rather interesting and somewhat annoying jokes made the class feel less and less serious or inspiring for me. I had a hard time relating and connecting with anyone, and I didn't get very inspired with the texts we were reading. I remember a lot of popular kids who would fool around, and I felt like a quiet nobody at times. It would be in Senior year I would have the same teacher again for English, but luckily I knew his teaching style or lack thereof. 

French was a good class. It became harder as the months progressed and the teacher was French herself which made it challenging to fully gather the material and the conjugations. It was a somewhat silly and fun class with different grades all mixed together. I remembered I befriended a girl who was a Senior, Bahareh, but she said she wanted to change her name to 'Jordan' since she thought it was pretty. It was nice to have her there as we would talk and laugh about different happenings within the class. It was this teacher who was our liaison for the club and this classroom where my sister and I had our Pro-life meetings. In the beginning, there were a number of people, but with every meeting we got a solid number of regulars and members.

In October, the conditioning for basketball started. I did it for about a month before tryouts. I remember I wanted my friend Natasha to join me as she was into basketball, and we were on the same team together in 6th grade. For some reason, she changed her mind, but I felt that I should still go through with it. They were intense workout sessions after school and I would see other girls in way better shape and skill than me. It really did feel like a boot camp! Then, came tryouts in early Fall which were also a lot of dribbling, shooting, passing, running and tricks like dribbling behind your back which I had never learned or succeeded with before. I was pleasantly surprised I made the JV team, and most of the other  girls were sophomores like me, with 2 or 3 Freshman on the team.

 It would turn out to be a long, busy and tiring season. I wanted to quit a few times but I stuck with it. I went to every game even if I really wanted to be at the Walk for Life with the Pro-life club in January. I again had a difficult time connecting with my teammates. I didn't share any classes with any of them which could have helped with that bond. But I also just felt different, things that they were into and always talking about- Facebook, getting your permit and license, boys, phones- I didn't have and didn't care to get into. I think I also felt misunderstood about why I didn't drive yet or have a phone, but I was just being me and that was okay. I remember a lot of social events like pasta nights the night before games, bonding times during breaks or weekends that I didn't always go to and never really wanted to,  carpooling rides to games, and social/bonding time after games. My true introvert self was shining through!

The good thing was that I was stretched a lot- literally and figuratively. There were a lot of stretches we did in our practices, but I was also forced to grow a lot and get more in shape. There was a lot of 'humble pie' with games, always being the bench warmer, and the last resort to get the team on track in a game. I had a challenging time memorizing the plays as that was mostly new to me. And I would easily mess up on the court, with our coach yelling and stomping her feet to know we were doing something incorrectly. Somehow though, at the end of the season I received the, 'Most Improved' award and my coach gave me a card with words "I have truly enjoyed your positive outlook! You have shown everyone that you are a hard worker and that you became a fav on this team. I thank you for never giving up and always showing me your true self. :)"

There were other good and special moments Sophomore year like dances. I went with a group of people- some friends but mostly acquaintances to Homecoming dance, my first high school dance. I was continuing to write and develop my short stories. I remember well one Fall day during Thanksgiving break and having Basketball practices. I didn't really look forward to them and how tiring they were but thinking about writing and developing ideas for stories lightened the mood for me. Susie and I would get confirmed January of 2009. I would choose my older dear sister, Elisabeth as my confirmation sponsor and felt inspired by the Holy Spirit to choose St. Maria Goretti as my confirmation saint, patroness of youth and purity. All 4 years of High school I saw the musicals which were so fun and enjoyable to watch! Freshman year was 'Thoroughly Modern  Millie' and Sophomore year was 'Bye Bye Birdie'. The musical play done my Freshman year was by far my favorite. It was done again in 2018 and I saw it again and it brought so many memories of my Freshman year.

There were fun times with Susie with bus rides home, learning and navigating the Pro-life Club together with her as President and me as Vice President. And I always enjoyed my siblings' visits home from college. Elisabeth and I were in contact through letters or email. There were camp prep weekends to look forward to and the infamous week of camp in the early summer with friends, other counselors and new campers. That summer Susie and I also helped out with our oldest sister's camp in Santa Maria for a week as counselors. Sophomore year would be my last year of basketball as well as French. There was more to come with Junior year such as heavy transitions and learning curves, painful abdomen pains, and insecurities to pave through. I knew I would miss having Susie with me as she went on to college, and my younger brother would join me. 

Ryan's return home party from Iraq, Fall 2008

Be Still

 

I didn't realize visiting the Carmelite House of Prayer would be as beautiful, enriching or spiritually symbolic as I thought. The evening before my birthday, I pulled out my Bible and was reading the passage from the Gospel of Matthew 14:22-33, where Jesus walks on water. Jesus walks on the water and his disciples are aware of it but in a fearful and alarming way, claiming that its a ghost. Their hearts are troubled and frightened. Right away Jesus says, "Courage! It's me! Don't be afraid." Peter said to Jesus if it is Him, then tell him to come to him across the water. And Jesus says, 'Come.' Too soon after, Peter notices the wind and is frightened, loses his balance and is focused on what is wrong rather than on Jesus who is straight ahead. "Lord, save me!" Jesus put out his hand immediately and held him. Jesus said to Peter, "You have so little faith, why did you doubt?" As they got into the boat, the wind dropped and the men in the boat bowed down before him saying, "Truly, you are the Son of God."

I took some time to reflect upon this passage, and I began to realize and come across how meaningful it all was. Sometimes reading scripture it doesn't come across directed at you or your life, but just a great story, wonderful examples of Jesus' healing power, mercy, love, and compassion or others' testimony to faith. However, a lot spoke to me after reading this Gospel passage and I kept rereading parts of it to uncover for myself.

I noticed how still Jesus is, walking on water, and of course He is God, so nothing is impossible for Him. As well as the stillness and certainty of his answers, concise yet meaningful responses- 'Courage', 'Don't be afraid', 'Its me'. How reassuring they are, instilling confidence and peace. And even when Peter wants that confirmation that we all seek and desire as a form of trustful testing, Jesus says right away, 'Come'. It's an invitation, a gentle yet direct response opening his arms, his heart to Peter's attempt.

I couldn't help but refer back to this passage reading as we visiting the beautiful and peaceful grounds of the Carmelite House. On the other side, was the pond, and out on the water was a Jesus statue depicting his scared heart, with his arms open and inviting. I also immediately noticed the flowerlike lily pads strewing and floating on the sides. 

Looking upon all of this, I thought of the past year for me and at times being like Peter, focused too much on the waves and storms of life, rather than God's enduring presence and love right in front of me. But even when I so often acted like Peter, the response of Jesus is also one I want to focus on, extending his hand at once and holding him. I can think of the various moments regarding this past year where that was true; perhaps I didn't come across it or feel it right away, but looking back I know He has never left me and always had His arms around me, holding me and helping me back up again. Seeing this image of Jesus out on the pond was gentle reminder to remember that for this new year ahead. 

It was really special visiting this place, with having a devotion/connection to the Carmelites. Also, looking out at the scenic and still water held a lot of meaning to me. The lily pads reminded me of the fruit, the blessings bestowed upon the endurance amidst the murky waters of life. It showcased the value of trust, hope, joy and unfailing faith to push through the storms and clouds. I feel that I can see the flowers now in my own season of life, especially after a tumultuous and growing year. 

Being still is not what I experienced last year, but one I want to instill as my motto for this year. Jesus is a constant in our lives, a peaceful presence and stillness that calms the waves and fears in our lives. My sweet sister gave me a mug for my birthday with Psalm 46:10, Be still and Know (that I am God). 

 I came across a little verse note that went with a bracelet my sister gave me for Christmas a few years ago. The note had Psalm 46:10 on it and read "Be still means to cease or relax. In this case, we are called to stop all the busyness in our lives, surrender, and acknowledge the Lord. All good things come from Him, and when we put Him first, everything else will fall into its proper place." I hope and pray this year to be one of stillness, peace and joyful trust. And happy feast day of St. Peter, and Paul today!

My Phlegmatic Side

 One of my sisters gave me a book about temperaments for my birthday. It's one that I have heard of before but never read, and it looks quite helpful and insightful. I already know my temperament, phlegmatic/melancholy and most likely split pretty even down the middle. Upon browsing through and reading some points last night regarding my dominant temperaments, I learned some things regarding the phlegmatic temperament. And I was able to see more things about myself, the good, the bad, and the things to improve and work on. 

I'm in the processing of cleaning and decluttering my room. It's always a lingering project in hand that for me at least, is easier said than done. It's the perfect time to do it as these are more open summer days. It's also a goal I had for this month, and June is quickly approaching the end!

As I came across random papers and gatherings, I came across my stash of 'saved' papers of document sheets from my job this past school year. They were absence reports indicating if you missed any days or work hours throughout the entire month. I'm not sure why I have saved them for this long (probably the phlegmatic in me!), but I came to realize the many months of the school year I checked the box at the end which stated 'no absences for this month'. Looking back at these months, how long some of them felt, each a particular feeling, experience, beautiful and good things, as well as difficult and emotional pains. 

There was only one month when I didn't check that box to indicate no absences, and that was January. At the end of January, I had a horrible back problem from sitting for hours at a time with no support and probably sleeping not so great either in terms of positioning. It was one day that I needed to regroup, rest and rejuvenate from work and more sitting, more zoom.

I came to realize how committed and loyal I was to my schedule, to my job no matter how challenging, lonesome or boring it came to be. And I refer that back to my phlegmatic side as the book states, "They are loyal and committed, tolerant and supportive. They possess a hidden will of iron that is often overlooked, because they are such agreeable people. They have a knack for diffusing tense situations."

 I am glad to have learned this within the temperament that God gave me, and to see a positive in the often notorious associations with a phlegmatic type. I hope to continue to see this positive and strong side of my phlegmatic side, but also grow and enhance things I can improve on and strengthen. 

My 28th Year or The Pains of the Heart

 This year of being 28 was unlike any other. To be honest, it started out hard and my intuition was that it would most likely be hard, challenging, and painful in ways I didn't know but expected. So yes, it started out hard and painful with the uncertainty of Ignacio's heart condition. The waiting, the sorrow and sadness of not knowing the outcome of it all. He was born on my birthday and passed away 4 days later. I still remember meeting him for the first time with my mom and sister. Meeting him to say goodbye. Nothing but bucket of tears streamed down our faces as we watched and waited for God to wrap him in His arms into Eternal Life. Just the shift of things, Santiago leaving the day Ignacio passed, and the length of summer, still waiting to work, to be busy and have some purpose was a real challenge.

Was encouraged by this clipping of a card that I took when Susie was going through her belongings

sweet Ignacio

Seeing Susie so busy, so preoccupied and focused on her goal of the credential as well as getting a job in Marin County and moving out was quite tough for me. Of course, I was proud and happy for her hard work, but there was so much transition for me and in my heart. Seeing it all, and waiting for my job to start up again was an added pain. Also, things with a friend had shifted, and I became hurt, confused and uncomfortable, not out of their doing intentionally. I just learned a lot about myself. I was very much in my head and I kept this really close to my chest. I became lonely and also bitter. My heart felt heavy, sad and discouraged. It also felt empty, with Susie moved away, her empty, spacious room was a constant reminder of that as well as the many, many memories we had shared and created together. It was very difficult for me at times to see her living on her own, her own life, experiences and then eventually dating. It was all very painful and sometimes even dark for me, another weight, another cross added on to what was already there.

After Ignacio's Funeral

Process of making goodbye video for Susie

Beautiful scenery after visiting the Christian store where I bought the bracelet I've worn everyday,: Phil 4:13

The ongoing loneliness and pain of my job continued and the large amount of free time that I had frustrated me. In prayer, I would often pray, wonder, worry about what I was supposed to do? I had recently seen my sister's life all busy and going somewhere, and her mission, her goal was accomplished which was wonderful. However, I had a lingering question on my heart, of what was next for me? What did God have in store for me? In this uncertainty, there was a lot of doubt, a lot of unknown, as well as pain and suffering. 

Visiting Susie Labor Day wknd, my devotion to St. Anthony visiting outside the church 

A book I was reading at the time was helpful in these pains and it was a thick book I often brought with me and read while praying in the church, The Diary of Maria Faustina titled 'Divine Mercy in My Soul'. I cherished it and felt close to her own sufferings, misunderstandings and admired her spiritual depth. There were also special and inspiring times like when Elisabeth and I enjoyed coffee time together at Peets, and sharing our Fall lists and encouraging one another. As well as visiting Susie over Halloween weekend and meeting Ricardo for the first time. 

having fun with Santiago

Halloween!

In the early Fall, I read about St. Louis and St. Zelie Martin, the parents of St. Therese. I found a lot of comfort and consolation in reading about them, their vocation journey, and their married and faith life together. I felt a sense of hope that I hadn't felt to at least touch upon a small part of my heart that was suffering from these growing pains and these big and hard questions. I also drew closer to Our Lady in these prayers, just like St. Zelie did when she was discerning her career and her vocation, Mary guided her. 

I felt so passionately and strongly to use my interest in language somehow, someway, as well as my B.A. in International Studies. I had this strongly on my heart as well in the spring and summer, but didn't know what to do about it. I was seeking ways to share my passion, but didn't know how to make that happen. There continued to be similar days at my job, and extra time for prayers at the church that was usually always empty, dark and filled with space to just be present to Our Lord in the challenges. I was also setting aside some time to study French, and brainstorming ideas for a story, especially in my free thinking moments at work. 

French notebook!

decorated a shirt!

I tried and tried to stay inspired, uplifted in the challenges. Often times dark clouds hovered over me with comparison, discouragement, doubt, and sadness. The enemy tries to ensnare us with lies and negative emotions especially when we are alone. Boy, did I find that to be ever more true! I had some really hard days in October, there were good and beautiful days too of course. But overall, my favorite month and season became clouded and cold with growing pains and forming trust. There were more tears, despair and a dark sadness that began to envelope (luckily for a short period of time) that I had never experienced before. It felt like a spiritual attack, one of many. 

Apple Hill!

This was around the time when my sister brought up again the idea of me pursuing a Masters in Library Science. It was something that they mentioned in late September during one of our meetups, but I was interested or inclined to consider then. At that time, the one good and beneficial thing about my job was the predictability of it. It was helpful and stable among the many questions and uncertainties I had. In October, when it was brought up again, I wasn't very open and could only really see what was right in front of me. Thinking about something else, for me, was daunting. 

But there were many prayers, questions, discernment in what I was supposed to do. I felt a sense to just listen and be open when my sister called me and we talked on the phone. She brought up library science again. I wanted to know what was the big deal with it? Why could she see me doing it? I needed answers and clarity, proof to hear another perspective. It sounded like something I should be open to hearing, thinking and saying to her hat God uses people to convey messages; He works through people. I told my sister I would do my 'homework' and research more about the program, cost, classes, the field as well as others experiences within that or other programs. I also talked to a contact from the ministry who is a librarian. I gained useful knowledge about her program and her experiences within the workplace. 

I could slowly see things clearly, as if scales had fallen from my eyes with my doubt and hesitations being cleared away. Confidence and consolation came from prayer as well as others' positive encouragement and statements, like they could really see me do that or be good at that. After applying to the program, I entrusted it all to God and St. Joseph, trusting that if it was meant to be, I would get in. Peace, joy and consolation followed, and after getting accepted, I was more than ready to take this step on this new and exciting journey. 

not very busy at work

Winter break came and went. The cusp of the new year was near. My saint of the new year turned out to be St. John Paul II which was encouraging. I saw some of his gifts and attributes that were inspiring for me such as- he was an intellectual, prayerful, trusting, peaceful, joyful, hopeful, speaks a number of languages, loved youth, Theology of the Body. I hadn't realized the bracelet I was wearing for a few months, on the back side of the small picture of St. Oscar Romero was St. JP II, he was with me all along.

The winter months were hopeful, but the short and cold days were still hard. There was continued pain, heaviness, comparison on my heart, and tears would easily flow. Going to Mass at St. Michael's before work was healing, beautiful and helpful. With the outdoor elements, it made things stronger, more enriching, like the pink red roses on the rose bushes, or the dewy, green grass, the gentle, lullaby blue sky showcasing a crisp winter morning. The music at communion time would make me feel melancholy and reflective. Heading to work after a peaceful and beautiful Mass would be a hard transition. Also knowing that I would be alone, just like the others days. But trusting that God would give me the grace to get me through another, and would be holding my hand gave me joyful consolation.

Christmas

There was excitement in January with my program starting, a new beginning. Something to finally be challenged by. I was still writing my story and finding time to write. Visiting the gravesite of Ignacio with the Marquez's was beautiful, touching and emotional. I felt sadness but also a touch of comfort that Ignacio was with me through all of my pain and suffering, my dear God son and nephew. I went to the church later to pray and tears kept streaming down my face. There was a depth in my heart I hadn't experienced before, words can't fully describe it. There was beauty and gratitude in visiting the Marquez's new home in late January. It was such an answer to many prayers and searches. It filled me with inspiration and joy for them. 

I was becoming more busy with my class as February started and I was researching more, writing on my school blog for assignments, and reading a book for a book review assignment. The days were still cold, and I was looking forward to blooming flowers and warmer weather, and no more boots and heavy jackets. There was still enough emotion at times, deep desires for my vocation just like the prior months. My job felt the same. I was still alone, and did my normal schedule of going to Mass when I could and visiting the church to make a visit after work. Steven was home during this time, and though we both had our own schedules, it was nice and rather comforting to have a sibling home.

made a Valentine's Day video

Did a Marian Consecration ending on the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes

Late March was when hybrid learning started for my job, and it was a transition to be with people at work again, let alone seeing some students again. It was a healthy change for me, though it was still kind of hard not being as busy as I would have liked. In the middle of the month, I visited Susie and my parents and I met her boyfriend's brother and mom. It was a nice getaway weekend. 

Spring break finally came, as well as Easter. I was so ready for that break, change in routine. I was desperately needing a break from the computer, from research, writing, and deadlines, and craving a mental shift and change of scenery. It was wonderful to get away for a bit with my sister and parents and be in SLO, visit the beach and be in beautiful and relaxing scenery, feeling far away from ordinary life. It was just what I needed to relax and recharge and feel inspired again.

SLO Botanical Garden

The countdown was on. Just a month left in the semester and a few more weeks after that and the school year would be finished. I could hardly wait! Parts of April were hard and heavy, others good, and light. The Baptism for my nephew was joyous and beautiful. Hearing about my younger brother getting a job in Houston, TX was of course exciting but it also came with heavy emotion and even sadness. Sister day was special to be together and savor some quality time, but I hadn't caught up yet, I was still processing through a lot. I was adjusting to other's transitions in life once again. The blessings and joys of life were harder to notice. I just felt like I was an emotional wreck at times, and like I was left behind (there were many reminders that made me focus on that too much). 

Writing my research paper was becoming busier and more daunting by the day. The due date was approaching, and sometimes my mind was swirling in many places at once. I became so engrossed and focused on my research findings and outline that I started to enjoy the heavy load and the ticking deadline. It gave me a sense of purpose, and I put a lot of time, energy and drive into writing it out. When I would complain to myself at how exhausting and time consuming it all was, I came back with 'Colleen, remember back to the Fall when you had so much open time that it was painful, so much uncertainty and not sure how to use your time well for meaning? Then be grateful since now you have it, and just do your best. God was preparing you for this.'  That insight, those words and reminders helped me and pushed me to keep on going. 

Writing paper with Navidad

The end of the school year was wrapping up and the days feeling longer and warmer. I found out with sheer surprise and amazement that I passed my class and did way better than I imagined on my paper. What an answer to prayer! Also, the excitement and anticipation of summer and the trip with Steven to go with him on his move to Houston, TX. The goodbye party for him was special and bittersweet. And then, just 2 days later, we were off on our trip. First to Arizona, then New Mexico, San Antonio to visit the Haslams and finally three hours away to Houston with tropical like humidity, palm trees, busy highways as well as a down to earth feel. This would be my brother's new home, far away from home. It would be a similar feeling and experience to when my mom and I helped found an apartment for Susie last July and then 3 weeks later, helped her unpack and settle in. 

Upon arriving home, I thought a lot about home and what it means for me. As well as wondering what the future would hold. But in the meantime, appreciating all that I have and that I am home safe and sound after what was a very busy, eventful, memorable road trip. And now I am here, writing this very long journey of how I got here, and I would say its all God's grace, mercy and love. This long, almost felt like unending suffering would linger with no end, and the pain out marked the beauty. But I am here, still standing or rather sitting, with my hair chopped off from donating my hair. I see it as a new journey to start soon, and just needed a change, a clean cut, and perhaps it could be useful for someone undergoing cancer treatment.

 Perhaps this year has taught me how to embrace the cross, better understand the meaning of consoling the heart of Jesus and trusting there's a purpose and a reason for the suffering in each particular season. This too shall pass as one priest told me last year. We know that God is never changing and always the same. 

I pray and hope to have more peace, joy and greater trust into this new year, into this gift of a year. For everything is a gift, even the hardships and crosses that I felt I had to go through in order to grow, learn, and trust more. The pains of the heart have truly been united with Ignacio's suffering as well, and his witness to his life. I am grateful and touched that my dear nephew and God son, Ignacio Rafael can be such a consolation to me, and truly a spiritual giant. Happy birthday to him in heaven.

"Yes! Give to God what belongs to Him, and remain lovingly passive in his hands. Hold for certain that what takes place either exteriorly or interiorly is best for you. Allow God to act, and abandon yourself to Him. Let the chisel perform its office, the needle do its work. Let the brush of the artist cover the canvas with many tints which only have the appearance of daubs...Go on blindly pursuing this path, and you will be shown what is to follow. Seek only the kingdom of God and His justice by love and obedience, all all the rest will be added to you." -Abandonment to Divine Providence