My Mind

"When my thoughts get tilted in this way, I need to focus on the many blessings I do have, the little and big." 

The beginning of the week was rough. I felt very mentally drained, with a foggy brain and felt stuck in my head from the other day. It all somehow got me thinking in a downward spiral, about myself, my capabilities, etc. 

I was listening to the lies about who the evil one wanted me to believe, and not God. I was letting someone I didn't even know dictate how I think about my future and my Masters program.  I was letting the frustration of a lame guy and an annoying circumstance make me believe that I will only meet guys who are too immature and too rude to be sincere and be interested enough to get to know me without playing games.

I wrote these many thoughts in my notebook, and I felt better- letting them out onto the page like it was a listening ear sucking up all the negativity and giving me some sense of solace and accomplishment. That's why this week has been so important for prayer and especially Mass in the morning, to get rid of these lies and negative, critical self-talk. I think of giving this all to God at Mass and it really helps, since he floods me with his grace and peace. 

When I was driving to that meetup in Berkeley, I passed by a former Bart station that I would often wait at in order to attend circle. I thought of my former naive 19-year-old self.  I would wait for my ride there and it always felt unsafe and realized when I was driving how sketchy and unsafe the area felt. I was brave enough to stick it out for that semester until I realized it would be better to take a different route to the location. 

As I was leaving the area that sunny Sunday afternoon, I was turning right and saw on my left a wall of vines that had the beautiful purple flower- morning glory all over. I instantly thought of my sister as that is her flower for her birthday month (September), and I thought of her and the time when we were exploring Novato and came across a span of morning glories. 

Soul Sister Consolation

 I thought of this picture when I was deciding which photos to put up for a more Fall inspired look. It brought me back to that time, and actually this photo wasn't even taken in Fall, it was mid or late summer I believe. But knowing me, I'm sure I was ready for Fall. 

We were visiting a potential location for my sister's future wedding reception at The Shinn House, and we went to Mass at the Mission, where she was also planning on having her wedding Mass. It was a unique and fun time, and the 3 of us sisters enjoyed a nice coffee treat at the local Starbucks just chatting away. I remember we also talked about our love and journeys within education and teaching jobs. 

This photo came to mind recently, as I was thinking. It had been an interesting and somewhat challenging week (more on that later). My sister wrote up a blog post about her experience when she was in her 20's and going through a really hard and suffering time at her special education job way out in Palo Alto, and just navigating life as a 20 something year old and meeting and dating guys who were a big disappointment. Her writing was fluid, vivid, authentic and eloquent. How much I could/can relate to all that she was detailing in her experience. 

Better yet, how much I realized what we had in common! Both working at special ed jobs, passionate about languages, trying to fill the open time with inspiring things like the Opus Dei websites and taking the content from it and either copy and paste into our email or like me- writing it down to type up later, and studying foreign language, frustrated with guys and the dating scene, both had an older sister right above them who was newly married and pregnant. 

How much consolation I received after reading her post, it nearly put me to tears. I was already feeling down about myself and somehow, I felt a lack of confidence and reassurance about my path, self-doubt, but then I realized how God has richly blessed me with a sister who is beyond a friend, but rather a soul sister. The tears then came to my eyes and my dry, somewhat itching eyes didn't feel so dry. And the next day, I could move on and think of her story as a witness for my own. 

Full Week and Looking Ahead

 Yesterday after work, I felt absolutely tired and drained! Mentally exhausted from the week, its demands and energy output. Monday was great since I felt ready to come back to work after a break of feeling sick and low energy. And I was surprised to be able to make time for runs on Monday and Tuesday in the beautiful Fall weather!

On Sunday, it was the first rain of the season, and it was so special. I felt energetic enough to go out walking and embrace the cooler weather and light raindrops. I even came up with the idea of creating a blog dedicated to Russian language and study, and I felt so inspired by it all! I think it will help with pursuing and learning the language as a creative outlet. 

Some other highlights from the week, made a cauliflower soup that turned out delicious. Zoom call, morning Mass, adoration, 54 rosary novena, wearing Fall clothing (boots, layers, scarves), cat purrs and snuggles in the morning. Hearing about my sister's first ultrasound appointment, daily chats with my dear sister and sharing an inspiring design blog from the past (IHOD), receiving a Chinese bible and brochures in Russian and Chinese in the mail from my niece just because!

Some things I'm looking forward to are meeting up with my dear sister next weekend at a beloved coffee shop and much needed quality time! Trying to cut out time for more cooking and inspired Fall recipes, shopping for some cooler weather items, and mixing things up with trimming my bangs (I barely have them anymore since they're all grown out) 

Tomorrow is a potluck young adult meetup which should be fun and interesting as those things are hard to come by and just a chance to enjoy the afternoon and meet some new people. 

Women of God

 (This post is going to beat the record) 

I was reading the Mass readings this morning and while reading the Gospel, I remembered 2 years ago that was the first early morning Mass I went to by myself. I was trying to go to Mass on weekdays before work, and upon reading the Gospel reading I was encouraged when the priest emphasized the importance of women in the Gospel and how they stayed close to Christ, on their journey and walk of faith. 

"Jesus journeyed from one town and village to another, preaching and proclaiming the good news of the Kingdom of God. Accompanying him were the Twelve and some women who had been cured of evil spirits and infirmities, Mary, called Magdalene, from whom seven demons had gone out, Joanna, the wife of Herod's steward Chuza, Susanna, and many others who provided for them out of their resources."

At that time, it made me think of how I could be that woman of faith and stay united to God, and even of my sister Susie who had just moved out about a month prior and thinking about our times together and growing in faith. Going to Mass that morning, I felt eager and encouraged to make Mass a regular part of my schedule even if I would have to sacrifice a bit and wake up early when it was still dark outside. And I'm glad I did, it's the best thing I decided to do as all other decisions have come from it. 

September Thinking

 I remember a year ago. Meeting up with my dear sister at our favorite halfway point and catching up and eating at Panera. And then she surprises me with a card, in it asking me if I will be the Godmother of her baby boy- Isaac Miguel? I am filled with tears, gratitude and love. I am in awe since this is the 2nd time that she has asked me to be a Godparent- the first time with Ignacio Rafael who was born on my birthday in 2020 and passed 4 days later.  

Of course, I say yes and am filled with joy. I can't wait to meet this little one and pray for his safe development and growth and birth for the remainder of the months. And now he is 7 months old and adorable!

It's so interesting looking back a year ago. Yesterday, I was going through some WhatsApp group messages, and realized I still had some from the weddings. What a season that was starting out just last September with all the constant and continuous talk of wedding plans and details. A unique and special time, but for me also very difficult and hard at times. I'm actually kind of glad it is over, to be honest. But I grew a lot, it stretched me so much. 

 I love the month of September, and early on in the Fall season. It really is a favorite of mine! I'm going to try to think of some goals/ideas for this upcoming season. Something that I want to get back into is knitting! I wasn't inspired to knit in the summer as it was quite warm, but the cooler mornings and darker evenings are nice opportunities to slow down and cultivate a craft project. 

Speaking of craft projects, today I am going to work on a birthday gift for sweet niece, Elieen whose birthday is coming up this week. I had a special time dancing with her at both weddings, and she really enjoyed herself. She told my other niece, Mary and Mary told me-" Aunt Colleen is my favorite Aunt. I hope she never gets married." I couldn't help but laugh. 

Intuition Frustration

 I want to write today. Not necessarily because I'm particularly inspired, but because I have the time and more mental space. I'm glad its Sunday, a day of rest. And usually for me that means also prepping for the week mentally and doing some readings or assignments for my classes- always something to do! 

I felt off yesterday. And I think it's because I overslept a bit and was just trying to get my head on straight after another pretty busy and tiring week with work and school. Friday night wasn't really what I had planned it to be- starting and finishing a paper before midnight was a bit stressful and really just wanting to relax. But going to adoration was nice and helpful. 

I also didn't feel as inspired as I thought I would be when I went to the library yesterday. I also didn't get in as much work in as I thought or felt like it. And reading for enjoyment, my mind felt a bit cloudy and tired (going back to the oversleep). 

But mostly, I was annoyed. I was frustrated that the guy I was planning to go on a blind date with took so long to respond to confirm, that it almost felt like he flaked. But it was me who actually flaked, as I cancelled last min. I'm still unsure what to think of it, as I have felt my intuition giving me strong cues this whole time about this guy. Why does my intuition always act out? And it's usually always correct, probably about 99.9% of the time as history and experience has shown. 

It can be hard being intuitive and feeling like I already know my answer without giving the guy a chance. It's like the story, their feelings and motives or lack of, present itself to me like it's in written form. I believe it's a gift from God having strong intuition. But sometimes it can make it hard when it leaves me feeling annoyed and frustrated because I feel that I should continue along just so I don't regret anything, and I actually know my answer tangibly.

I'm left wondering what will happen. I think this is also showing me more about myself, and that's why 'dating' and getting to know people of the opposite gender can be difficult, and complicated at times. But I also know, if it's meant to be, and the person is quality, it will be clear, not confusing. And hopefully not annoying or having me do mental gymnastics in the meantime. 

Like I said, I'm left wondering what will happen. Maybe we will meet in person, maybe we won't. Maybe he will like the idea of me suggesting talking on the phone first or maybe he won't and just ignore it, ignore my text until whenever he feels like responding; I really don't know. What I do know is that I'm too tired to play games, and my time is too precious for that. I feel if God wills for me to meet this guy for whatever reason, then great. But perhaps there's a reason it hasn't been as smooth, and maybe He's trying to protect or guard me from someone who I'm not supposed to meet anyway. 

Interesting Blessings from Today

 It was the day after Labor Day, a nice and needed longer weekend. Luckily though, I felt ready to go back to work and jump into the swing of things again. It started off with waking up earlier to go to Mass and seeing the orange sunrise arrive behind the hills as I was driving. It reminded me of an orange popsicle, knowing it would be a hot one today. 

Mass is always special, beautiful, healing and really centers and uplifts my day. There are a number of intentions to pray for, and especially one with my sister and brother-in-law trying to sell their house.  house. Listening to Relevant Radio and learning new things about Mormonism. I thought this was so interesting since I remember last school year, as student got offended that I said 'Mormon' since he referred to himself as Jesus Christ of Latter Day of Saints. It almost didn't seem he knew what I was saying, and I was confused- wasn't that 'Mormon' the name of his religious practice? Patrick Madrid explained more about the interesting and not very revealed beliefs Mormons have and reason for preferring the before mentioned name rather than the latter. I find it's important to fill my mind with things that are interesting in the morning. 

Today there was more traffic, so there weren't always songs I liked to listen to. The ones that I remember were Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield and I Ain't Worried by OneRepublic. In the English class this morning, I learned about an Academy Award that Marlon Brando received but didn't accept and had a Native American woman go on stage for him for reasons why he wouldn't accept his award. He wasn't present at the awards; this was in 1973 so interesting. This related to the English class's learnings of Native Americans and race. 

I wore a skirt today, knowing it would be too hot to wear pants or jeans. And also, just something different, more feminine. I got some compliments on my skirt. And wore a favorite t-shirt of mine - one I designed with 'Humus hummus.' It still confuses people. 

Somehow, I didn't get upset or overly annoyed with the Physics class, and really no plan today, kids off the wall mostly again, and the teacher a little late. All added up to an opportunity to let it fester, but it didn't, and I give credit to grace and to somehow riding above it, the chaos and trying to see the good. 

After my lunch break, I saw my mom driving going to Mass and we both waved from our cars. How special and awesome it is to see your mom on a regular, beautiful day and just simply going back to work. And the day was shortened by a sudden release of school due to the very high temperatures and will be a shortened schedule the rest of the week! After adoration, I went to the library to do some work. And a little later, I saw my parents there, I hadn't seen them earlier. They were beating the heat and there was a power outage. 

Holding cats towards the end of the day, reading, and just normal things, but somehow today didn't feel so normal. Felt like there were many real blessings. There is every day, of course, but I could sense them in my bones today. 

Fulton Sheen Spiritual Inspiration

 Fulton Sheen. Amazing, intelligent, comical, wise, and captivating speaker. While I was doing my homework yesterday, I thought of listening to him, as there are his talks and radio shows on YouTube. I was soon immersed in his words, so wise, beautiful and talented explaining things in a concrete way.

 I need to pray to him more, as I have always found him to be dear to me, and really love his words and writings in his books. Most especially his strong, spiritual presence in a world that feels more and more Godless and a world more confused. 

And as being in the classroom, I can think of him as he really knew how to captivate an audience with his wisdom and truth. 

Reliving 16 Memories

 

This book is sooo good, this series is also really good! The first time I saw this book was when I unwrapped the wrapping paper for my 16th birthday and saw this cover. It was a gift my oldest sister gave to me and pitched in by my other siblings. It was an alternative to the Twilight mega saga that was a hit at the time. I never heard of this book called 'Waking Rose' but seemed like a good book from what I heard. (And I can say that it is, now looking back. I watched the first movie of Twilight with some of my siblings a year later, and it really wasn't that good.) 

I remember I started crying though, not because I couldn't read the Twilight book my mom already bought for me but because my empath sensitivity was kicking in- it felt like a waste, the money my mom had spent on the Twilight book, and I felt bad. I wasn't overly sad about not reading that series, as I'm sure most 16 year olds wouldn't be. 

I came across this title and author again during quarantine and I was working alone and remotely. That was when I would look up books on a regular basis to pass the time at work and see which ones the library had. I tried to remember the author of this one, and eventually found it in my Google search. It wouldn't be until earlier this year that I was interested in picking up again. I remember I had read 'Waking Rose' and have vague memories of it, probably gave it away sometime in my late teens.

 I started reading the first book in the series (Waking Rose is the 3rd book) this past spring and immediately couldn't put it down. The author is a great writer, and even more at plot and mysterious plot twists. I love that she's a Catholic author and incorporates faith into her stories, it makes my mind come alive, it feels realistic but also imaginative- I've never read anything like her work.

I recently finished the 2nd book (Black as Night) and started reading Waking Rose. I remember glimmers of the beginning from when I read it when I was 16, but I may not have picked up on everything or fully resonated with things. For instance, the main character in this book older sister gets married and she is the maid of honor. My older sister just got married and I was the maid of honor. In some ways, it felt like I was reliving my sister's wedding. I just loved Doman's description and plot. I may have missed that when I first read it as a teenager. 

So, I feel grateful and inspired with reading her works again, and that in some small ways I can relate to her characters- Blanche, the older sister who is more timid, cautious, and sensitive, and Rose, who is lively, creative, free spirit like and adventurous and studious. I look forward to continuing reading!

Reflecting on Growth

 

First week of school, from this picture. It feels like its own adjustment, with a new teacher, new classes, and some new faces of students, some familiar. It feels like a new level of responsibility, but one that I was ready for. I never guessed I would be here again. A year ago, I was craving for something else- a different job, environment, something new! But here I am, sticking it out after a rough, long, intimate, challenging year that taught me so much and one that brings back so many memories, it often comes with nostalgia.

I miss some of the students I used to see and help them with their work. That classroom of 3 years, with the spectacular view of Mt. Diablo, my desk, just all the memories will remain there, in those walls, that classroom- K 101. It made me who I am at the job, and those days working alone, and mostly very isolated and lonely, I won't forget either. 

I think about last year a lot. I liked my schedule, but I remember not feeling very busy or accomplished. It's always something I didn't like, but I had the comfort of my teacher and classroom to help me through the hard parts. Last year prepared me for this year, and I'm finding what works for me again, and now with a busy schedule in tow, the weeks feeling fast, and this introvert is feeling overstimulated. But I am grateful for some things that are new, different that felt so much the same and stagnant last year it was humbling and painful at the same time.

I did this hairstyle, wanting to do something new with my hair. And now that my hair is (finally) growing out! That was something that I craved a year ago- my long hair. 

Yesterday, the first in-door rally in 3 years. My first rally I went to was in doors, and it brought back so many memoirs from high school that I didn't miss. I was just a few weeks into the job, and I will always recall that special feeling, and just really liking my job and grateful. Fall was slowly coming, and the lighting and colors changing on trees were warmth and beauty. That rally came to mind yesterday, since those Freshmen then are now Seniors. They were running into the gym with so much pride and excitement, I can remember that day so well when they were Freshmen and seeing those Seniors then taking over the gym with their noise and number and dominant energy. 

Where has the time gone? I feel like I've seen so much being at this job, but mostly I have experienced a lot of growth, internal growth and change that has led to now. I never knew why I was meant to come back after last year, but I felt God wanting and calling me to be, and here I am. I can only reflect upon it all. 

I find it somewhat providential and somewhat funny that my new classroom I'm in (and my new desk) was that teacher's from last year. She was the teacher who I always knew to be as strong, strongly opiniated, dominant energy, with a rough and tough tomboy like demeanor, sporty like. I never talked with her, but she talked with the former teacher I was with. I overheard their conversations. And then one day, I saw she was pregnant last year, and I didn't know she was. Somehow, I felt off. It made me feel overwhelmed and sad- again, another person moving on with their life in a place I desired. It was hard, it was so hard with a raw feeling that I had to write about it in my journal. 

Overtime, heard about her strong opinion about Covid and the vaccine, and realized we agreed on those issues. I didn't feel quite so alone though I never fully voiced it- I was always the quiet one, in the back and felt pretty much invisible, right? After her baby shower at work, and once she came back from maternity leave, the vaccine and covid topic came up again, and we talked about it and connected. I actually felt seen and heard, and I felt supported with something that felt pressured. 

One day, she brought her baby daughter to work. My teacher told me about it, so I went over to her classroom, and she went back to where her daughter was since her 2 younger sisters were taking care of her. I got to meet and see her sisters, reminding me of my own dynamic and look alike with my own sisters. 

I find it was quite a 180 throughout the school year with that particular teacher, and we were able to connect a bit more. And now, I'm in her old classroom, and it reminds me of how much I've grown!

What Happened on the Assumption of Mary

 I remember a year ago well. It was sister day, and we were meeting up in Davis, a city I had never adventured in. It was the feast of the Assumption of Mary, a Sunday. I had gone to Mass the day before for a new priest's ordination to his new parish with my parents and my brother and his new fiancée. 

So much was spinning in my head and twisting in my heart. It was right before the day when work would start up again and I didn't feel ready mentally at all. I felt too old for it, outgrown and desiring something else- something to do with library science, something that would make me grow and learn! Little did I know that I learned so much last school year, wasn't what I initially expected, and it wasn't at all easy, but it was worth it. I was leaning into Him and trusting in His will. Something kept feeling like I should stay, that it was part of my journey. 

I learned so much about trusting, and humility. So many things kept going back to these things- feeling overlooked and forgotten at my job, feeling less than, outgrown in so many ways, and feeling inadequate. And definitely feeling like an onlooker in others' lives, always watching on the sidelines and feeling the same, again and again.

But with this sameness, this monotony and dead-end that somehow kept working week after week, I found joy because I knew I was doing God's will and it was what I was meant for. There was joy because I felt close to Him in the suffering, in the lamenting, the tears, the unstimulating days, the embarrassment, the early mornings at Mass. 

There was a sadness to start. There was a lot of sifting through in my heart, in my prayer. There was so much in my mind, I very often felt stuck in my thoughts. I would remember the school year prior and though it was severely challenging, isolating and extreme in many ways, somehow it was doable with God's grace. I would look back to help myself in the present. 

After sister day, I talked more with Susie in front of our cars parked in front of our sister's house. I started crying, lamenting about what was ahead and how I was feeling. Her listening ear was consoling to the bitterness I was experiencing, the cross I was holding. "Trust in God, He can do anything He wants" she would say, and I remembered that, and kept that in the back of my mind.

As I was packing my lunch for the first day of school, Stephen and Ali were over and it was about the engagement and wedding details. I didn't feel at all ready for work, and slowly put things together for my lunch. I got an email from Susie, forwarding a written expert she wrote exactly 3 years prior and the unique, rough, sensitive and suffering season she was experiencing...as I was reading her writing, I could feel and relate to all that she wrote at that time. I didn't feel so alone, but it was still a hard season to enter into. 

I accepted, and entered into God's will, and let Him lead. I went to Mass the next morning, and running a bit late for work and realizing how off I felt- it didn't feel/ I didn't feel excited for the first day of school, what was wrong with me? As the day continued, it was better than what I thought, and I was glad to be back.

I didn't know I would or even could make it through another school year. But again, God's will was pushing me through and it all turned out to be so. I've learned to listen to that, if nothing else!