The Clouds Breakthrough

The alarm sounded and I felt utterly exhausted mentally and sleep deprived. Using my phone right before bed wasn't a good idea, even if it was for a somewhat 'good' purpose, looking up the French actress Marion Cotillard for inspiration with the language. I was trying to maximize my social media use on Sunday, the day of rest, but surely wasn't the best idea before hitting the pillow. And to be honest, Sundays in Lent can feel not always as restful and intentionally prayerful as they should be! Those habits are powerful and sometimes the week can just take you for a spin and trying to regroup yourself.

Well, I ended up being and feeling awake for a chunk of the early morning hours. And my thoughts began to wander, and to be honest my heart became kind of heavy and downtrodden. Thinking about the present, the future, the past. Reminiscing about 2 years ago, when I was working solely and just a trying and difficult time and how much I learned and gained from it in the end though- perseverance, strength, hope. 

How easy it is to compare others' journeys and timelines to your own. Remembering the details when my siblings got engaged, and I was in the same spot, actually harder because it was a new, heavy cross that had emerged and felt at times unbearable. 

My heart has ached numerous times, a depth I can't fully describe nor feel words can ultimately express for what God has placed there these past couple of years. Sometimes it brings me to tears, frustration, doubt, sensitivity. Other times, I just live with it, and it doesn't really impact or phase me to the core. So many ebbs and flows. 

But last night was one of those nights, where I was contemplating and thinking about a lot. Feeling a source of melancholy, and deep unknowns for what's ahead, God's timing and plan. I wonder. I keep trying to trust.

So, waking up this morning I felt sleep deprived, yes, but also not certain if I was ready for another day and week. It's been hard to fully gain the renewed vigor and energy, inspiration I need. Perhaps it's the routine, environment- its good- but need that refresh and change every once in a while. 

I was surprised that though I wasn't fully prepared mentally for the day and rushing a bit, I was trying to instill a good attitude and positive words. And actually, the routine helped. It didn't so much feel like another day and just getting by, but rather the routine and predictably helped me to settle in and start again. Becoming grateful for my job, for the routine, since I needed that sturdiness when it was rocky.

I had to take this photo right when I parked and got out of my car. The sky, the breakthrough of the clouds depicts hope and a promise for a beautiful day, whatever it will hold. 

Fresh Face

 

When I was at Target last week, I had the idea recently to do more skin care. I was inspired by these face masks, different types. Washing your face via face wash, masks are a form of self- care and how important that is. I was also thinking more of creating my own face masks from a recipe. I haven't tried that in a long while, and my sister used to be into that. 

Ideas, even small ideas like these can help with getting out of routine and doing different things in a form of self-care. 

French Songs

 There are some things that are related to French as recently. Exactly a month ago, was the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes and I finished the 33-day consecration. Our Lady of Lourdes originates from Lourdes, France. Just shortly after that, I went to a French cafe- Paris Baguette for an interesting and fun event- speed dating. The week after or so, my dear sister and I met up at a French crepe place that was unique and had delicious food! 

At my job, I'm now in 2 French classes - French 1 and French 2. It brings back its own memories of high school taking French. But I have my own association with it now, having studied it once again 2 years ago. But being in these classes, has in some ways invigorated my interest in the language once again. I didn't really think it would- but it is my first foreign language. 

This week the classes were listening and voting on French songs, and I liked some of them, so I had to write them down so I would be able to find them once again. And listening to them often, and even when I ran yesterday, brought back a sense of joy and inspiration, and like a time stamp of March 10th.

 It made me want to start studying the language again and relearn and review. Isn't that how inspiration comes- it comes in varied settings, and different parts of our lives when we are hardly looking and paying attention. 

Positivity

 The feeling of walking in was nice, inspirational and positive. Just what I needed after a busy week, and negative thoughts looming in my head at work- the environment can be stifling at times.

The lady at Starbucks who was handing out the drinks was also greeting people when they walked in with 'Hello, good morning!' and a nice smile. What positive energy that makes all the difference in a place. I knew my drink was ready after about 10-15 mins because I heard the nice lady say loudly, 'Annie', and I figured it was mine, as my Starbucks name is Anne. And then she said, have a nice day with smile as she handed me my drink. How nice, pleasant and intentional, to create a place, an atmosphere full of joy, and positivity. 

It's hard to just sit down and do work when all I really want to do is everything else - read, write, language studies, zone out and just think and process. 

Just to catch up and breathe, and soak in the inspiration, and just be me, out of work mode. There's a sense of slowness while in a coffee shop, as well as a pace that's fast. With time going by quickly, but also noticing details in the surroundings, appreciating every sound, activity. And I forgot to take a picture of the decorative, interesting and creative pictures on the walls. 

That's what I need to do- create, make with my hands, restore my creativity! Something to make my own, and reading does that- creating images, stories, words and feelings that I can process and articulate. Language studies does this- I can interpret and understand a new culture and way of expression. Writing does this- forming new words, thoughts flowing, descriptive words and details. 

But maybe there's something more- another craft, hobby. I like to think of painting, or knitting, something else that uses my hands, motion and innovation. I think of cooking/baking since that definitely uses your hands. And this morning I made ginger pancakes, a nice way to start out Sunday morning! Little things like that to break up routine, but also give in different ways. 

A Visit from Childhood Land

 It was the stir of the busyness. It came with laughter, stomping feet, soft and loud voices, and inquisitive eyes. The 5 days my nieces and nephews were here in some ways felt like a whirlwind - constant chatter, needs, eating, water usage of either toilet flushing, washing hands, taking a shower or needing another cup of water. But it was a sweet time, a joyful, giving time. 

The best part was getting to know them better and seeing their personalities shine through. It was the longest time we were with them without their parents, and I also felt seen. No longer in a busy, group setting with siblings, children, noise galore. I could be seen using 'Aunt Colleen' style. I've been an aunt many times over again and counting, but there are times when I'm part of the big family and seen as another aunt in the mix (isn't that how it is in a big family?)

And yes, I do have things going on. I'm not just living at home, and that's it. There is so much more, even though from the outside it doesn't seem like it. Perhaps that's the hardest narrative, even with growing nieces and nephews who are learning and understanding more. 

I felt I was able to embrace so much when they were here, anticipating and waiting for the news of their new sibling entering into the world. Seeing their home routine, help out in ways I could like bath and shower time, braiding hair, nighttime wake ups and reading books. There was a sense of giving, generosity, but more precisely sacrifice such as wanting to go on a run for some alone/rejuvenation time before it got dark. But instead, helping out my tired parents with bath time. 

 That small sacrifice was powerful, because I noticed I felt more joyful of doing the task at hand- helping my younger niece with her shower. The day quickly progressed into evening with no run, but it was something small enough I could offer up and recognize those little 'dying to self' married couples with kids talk about often. 

It was a sweet and joyful time. At times, the house felt like it was stretching at it seams, the floor and stairs were constantly being jumped or ran upon, and the walls soaked up their laughter and sibling dynamics. The joys of childhood.

getting better at my French braiding skills

Teeth

Waking up early, seeing the pink sunrise glowing near the trees, seeing the crescent moon faded shine and   driving this morning in the peaceful morning quiet. I took the same roads I used to drive all the time while driving from tutoring session to tutoring session. It brought back memories. Those days were special and very unique- creating my own freelance schedule and creativity and inspiration to rule my lessons. 

I passed by the hillsides and saw the turkeys grazing the grass- the morning still, the world not yet busy or fully awake. I passed by the senior center my sister and I checked out- not knowing it was but were on a walk and it had a nice scenery out front. That was summer of 2018, a very hot July afternoon, but we had each other to talk things through and support one another.

This time I was driving those roadways for a dentist appointment, an early morning appointment. A new dentist after a desperate change. I've had 3 dentists in about 3 years, so definitively looking for a consistent one. I was impressed with the service, the friendliness, professionalism- all the things I didn't feel or experience from last time. And sharing the history of my teeth- my implant story- definitively a story to remember, and some generalities. 

Our teeth are very important, essential- making us who we are. As the friendly and warm dental hygienist said, 'Our smile, and especially our front teeth are who we are'. I know what it feels like to have a smile- a tooth that makes you feel super self-conscious and not confident or feeling beautiful. The quote at the front desk read, 'The prettiest thing you can wear is a smile.' I believe that to be true.

A guy from a speed dating event told me that I have a nice smile. Luckily for that good and improved implant:)

From watching the documentary on Mother Teresa called 'No Greater Love', she was always smiling, joyful, radiant and beautiful. She was the epitome of love and joy. And such an inspiration she was, to so many. It makes me want to grow more in devotion to her and read some books about her again. 

I came across this photo recently from a couple of years ago with my dear sister. I used to really dislike the way I looked- and with that 'ugly tooth', I thought I looked awful. Only until more recently, maybe more recent years it didn't bother me to see how it used to look before my redo implant. I actually wasn't having negative thoughts like that anymore. 

And now, it's really just a funny story that I'm glad is over. 

beautiful spring flowers while on walk

Giving off Light

 Light. That's what resonated with me after Mass last week on the feast  of the Presentation (and receiving a blessed candle) and the St. Blaise. The priest saying a prayer with 2 candles crossed over each person's throat in tradition of the saint who is the patron against illnesses of the throat. 

Later that day, the teacher who was filling in for the last class put on a Harry Potter movie. I haven't watched those movies in a long time, so it brought back memories of my childhood. And I noticed the theme in that particular movie- light versus darkness, good versus evil. 

Those books/movies all deal with this strong focus in some way, but clearly when Harry is trying to ward off those dementors and how they suck out the happiness and joy in your life. The spell that he is taught and practices with his professor helps him muster up the courage and conviction to face this fear. Light from his wand is shutting out and blinding the darkness of these 'creatures'. 

How much more so in the spiritual life. What great reminders to keep aspiring and living up to- as the Gospel stated on Sunday, we are the salt and light for the world, administered and given to us by Jesus to bring this light, this salt to a world desperate in need of healing, spiritual healing and hope. Little by little, with awareness and practice like Harry did- to become stronger and more cognizant of the power within us, given to us by God. 

Impactful People

 A while ago, I was thinking of teachers, former coworkers who made an impact in my life- who created a spark of inspiration at that time. Who helped me in some way or another through learning, wisdom and inspiration. 

Mr. Nash 2012/2013

He was my one of my first college and English instructors. I took 3 of his English classes, one of them including creative writing. He made me more excited about English language and literature as I was delving into that major initially. I have fond memories of his classes and that time in my life. 

Nadiya Taylor 2018

I went back to my Junior College to get my ECD units, and she was the first professor I had. It was an inspiring time, and her passion, wisdom and strong teaching skills taught me a lot about the subject matter and field. She was and that first class were one of my favorites. It was an interesting time of discernment but I'm grateful for all that I learned, and what I gained from her knowledge and expertise. 

Fr. Lawrence 2018/2019

He was the most gentle, introverted, poised and understanding priest. I just happened to go to him for confession and felt so uplifted from his spiritual wisdom and quiet demeanor. He was a spiritual father and over time he became my 'unofficial' spiritual director/confessor. That was a trying time, a difficult time, but I was so graced and blessed with his presence and spiritual gifts.

Ms. Amelia 2019

She was full of life, laughter, and spunk. She wore bright colors on her clothes and her lipstick. Always a bright light and positive energy even when thing were drab, annoying, and more. Her love for her Spanish language and ideas and creativity with the children inspired me during those hard and long days at work. She was fun to talk with and kept me energized. 

Mojdeh 2019

Another bright light. I felt comforted and understood by her. So blessed to know exactly how I felt and was feeling during those trying months at work. Her presence made it better, and lamenting to her felt like a sister. A connection no need to explain. I couldn't have survived without her. 

Ms. Straface 2019

I didn't get too close too close to her, but I have always associated her with my first school year working at the high school. Our demeanors were similar, but we talked sometimes and I could resonate with her energy. She had a very busy schedule that year- teaching, classes for her masters, engagement.. but sharing a classroom with her was nice and pleasant. And I was adjusting to this new job that felt effortless and like an answer to prayer. 

Ms. K 2019-Present

Worked alongside as the same position my first year at the high school. Approachable, friendly, nice demeanor. Reliable, and nice to have her presence around. Can connect about different things- our faith being one of them. 

Mrs. Johnson SJSU MLIS 2021

One of my best and favorite teachers from my Masters program. A nice, friendly demeanor, approachable, and cohesive in lecture and assignments. Very inspiring to learn from her about an interesting/difficult topic in library science field. I loved her passion. 

Eat Your Heart Out

Looking back on this week, I tried to come up with some of the happenings, details- major or small. A few of them included waking up early a few times this week for Mass, seeing the orange hew sunrise, and remembering the truck that passed by while I was at a stop light. It read, 'Eat your heart out'. I wanted to see if I could remember simple things like that at the need of the day or week. 

So much can happen in a span of hours, in a day, in a week. Mostly I feel it's easy to lose sight of it all since a lot of it feels mundane, ordinary, routine. Ugh, not very uplifting or inspiring words there, but I felt like that at times this week too- like going through the motions. 

But some other highlights included my classes stating up again. A new semester of learning, work, challenges, adventures and insights, and busyness! I signed up for volunteering at a library, that in some ways I have been putting off for so long, but maybe now I'm ready and see the advantages with it. 

On Tuesday, towards the later part of the workday, I couldn't stop laughing. Perhaps I was a bit tired, but I have not laughed like that in so long, where I could barely let out words. I remember laughing like this with my sisters when something was so funny. It was funny in the moment, and it really was just about a question on a questionnaire sheet I was working on with a student, and his reaction, and the question being somewhat difficult to answer was what got me started. 

 

The weather was superb, very beautiful, warm, sunny= uplifting, and feeling more like spring! I'm looking forward to these next months ahead with less layers/jackets, and more sun. 

Rosary in car. Trying to maximize driving with praying and finishing the rosary on the way to work! 

Confession on Monday morning, and with the priest I like for confession, an added bonus!

Bible in a Year, in the evenings, I look forward to it and following along with my Bible. 

Adoration.

Receiving an email from my uncle.

Receiving compliments from students, hearing that I should become a teacher. 

Checking out more books from the library. 

Trying to get my thinking focused, uplifting, and away from discouragement, doubt. Thinking outside the box when there's a pattern and holding on to the truth. 

Sisterly

We ate pizza, which wasn't part of our original plan. But we had our own space, without crowds and bustling noise. It was there in that moment I recalled all the many reasons for choosing my dear sister as my confirmation sponsor. It also brought back memories of our cherished times together years ago, when she was in college, and I was in high school.

 Our paths crossed when she would visit home and when we would keep in touch intermittently. The ground force for me as I would go through the awkward and unsure times of high school and into late teen years. 

We only became closer as time went on and shared living in the same atmosphere and space at home. Into similar things, talking, listening, lamenting, laughing, shopping, cafes, day trips, and praying at Mass, adoration and praying the Rosary. How much our lives intertwined and collided in their own unique way of seasons of unknowns, joys, and trust. We had each other- what more could we need or want, even if there were lame guys or fair weathered friends in the mix at times. 

And while we were eating our pizza, in the abode of our little world- there was so much consolation and joy- listening to her words of comfort, support and reassurance. Once again, how much I need it! We both do, and the confidence it brings is like no other. It brings forth life, peace, but also a life filled with trust for His plan and inspiration. It's a beauty to behold, as well as a generous gift. 

Sometimes, or often enough, life isn't how we planned or thought it should be. There are surprises along the way, or realizations. Life is and can be so much simpler than we make it. Our plans change, and paths take us somewhere else. 

And it was funny thinking of that- with the change of plans for lunch at an empty Domino's pizza place instead of a hip and nice brunch spot that was popular. But the former was so much better!

I felt the grace of God, the inspiration of the Holy Spirit when deciding my Confirmation saint as well as who my confirmation sponsor would be. It was plain and simple, and it's an honor to have a dear friend, soul sister and confirmation sponsor by my side.  

Who We Are

My room. A project, a long-term project mind you. A project that is easily avoided, forgotten or excused. A project that brings upon hope, new habits, inspiration and decor, but also one that entails hard work, dedication, commitment, and intentionality. Oh, and also makes me realize that I am a pack rat! That I keep nearly everything, mostly for sentimental value, or that I need it or want to need it somewhere in the distant future that never really seems to present itself in the end. 

That's why I can relate to Joanna Gaines and her book- 'The Stories We Tell Ourselves' in so many ways. She says she is also a 'hoarder'. I don't like that word; it has a very negative connotation, or I find it quite extreme. There are reasons for keeping things, but what helps is knowing the why. I find that having someone help me or guide me along is actually essential and more productive in the long run. 'Should I keep this? or What should I do with this?' I would ask my mom and she would mostly immediately say throw it away. And that helped a lot, because I realized I was holding onto something or attached for practically no reason. It put things into perspective. 

newly organized bookshelf:)

Where did all the books go? They are not all displayed- so the ones I have read recently, and multiple times are stored away in boxes. This keeps them more organized and the ones I haven't read yet are priority. 

I realized there were other similarities as well. Reading her book and learning more about her and her story has been really interesting and almost therapeutic in some ways. "Maybe to you the idea of floating, looking out and seeing nothing but the expanse of sea- no landmarks, fewer responsibilities- sounds kind of perfect, like a deep, gorgeous exhale. Maybe the idea of empty hands sounds like freedom. Drifting makes me anxious. If I don't know where I'm going, if I don't know what's next, I might as well be lost."

 I can connect to that in some ways- knowing what the plan is, being mentally prepared is how I operate. Thinking/planning ahead just a little helps keeps things even keel. 

I realized that I'm not alone. And most especially being more cautious, less adventurous, or fear of the unknown is okay and has its good side. And there are pros and cons, but instead embracing who we are, how we were made by God, and embracing our stories she is proclaiming in her book.