Plant. Flowers. Bloom. Grow. I didn't find it ironic that these words struck me on my birthday, as they depicted and showed themselves in various ways as a theme. I was wearing a vibrant skirt on purpose, and also my shirt was brown- and now I see it as symbolic of dirt, which allows plants and flowers to grow.
The sketch book I bought with a gift card had open pages that I found that I desperately wanted and needed as well as symbolizing this new season, chapter and year! The cover has flowers, plants and a butterfly.
Browsing downtown Larkspur and window shopping, cute and quaint boutiques caught my eye, with a window display of flowers!
The wrapping paper my sister used for my gifts were green- full of leaves and branches.
The notebook my mom gifted me was green and decorated with leaves.
This time in Ordinary Time in the Catholic church is full of 'greenery'. A time to grow, reflect, pray, go deeper and stronger in the faith. There is certainly nothing ordinary about it.
There is nothing ordinary turning a new chapter and turning the page to 32! I'm excited to see what's in store, and grateful for all the many blessings.
It's time to slow down. It has been a good time to slow down, to rest, to rejuvenate, to process, and to just be. 'To be still', as scripture says. And I've been needing that, little did I know, craving it actually, but it has caught up with me these past weeks. Oh how long it can take to fully feel recharged, and encountering the present moment and seeing all the gifts.
I want to be still- in my thoughts, and let God take care of all the details. In my worries, and know that God is in charge. In my frustrations, wonderings, deeper emotions, He is there and sees and knows it all. I want to be present and undistracted in all the many blessings, even minor ones that I forget and can easily take for granted.
I want to be more confident in who I am as a woman and daughter of God. In His plan for me, in what He says and how He communicates with me- in the subtleties, in intuitions, and premonitions and interior voices. I need to be more confident in listening and obeying and understanding rather than not listening or fully embracing it. To not second guess or doubt.
Just like St. John the Baptist, to lead a life of mission, of purpose and to lead others to Christ. And like St. Mary Magdalene, to listen to God's words and act on them, to be there standing by Christ's side and waiting for Him at the empty tomb. To be paying attention and observing and not letting go. To be a woman of faith, and to see the good and strengths in others as well, recognizing Christ in them.
And lastly, to not be afraid of this new year ahead, as well as what this past year had showed me. It taught me many things and stretched me on so many levels. To gain and realize many lessons, beautiful and good things as well as difficult and very challenging ones. They were all for a purpose.
I thought I had it all figured out. I was just a week away from starting my internship and new semester. I had finally landed into the spot that I had wanted and desired for 2 years. Though there was a lot on my mind, there was also idealistic expectations of what things would look like.
Being in that headspace and anticipating what was ahead was exciting but also a little daunting. It was a rather busy week of being with my oldest nieces, hosting and family events. I tried to seek out any moments of solitude and prayer time that I could.
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| Holding youngest niece at the time |
Being in nature for my mom and sister's birthday in this photo was peaceful and refreshing, looking out to the water and chatting with family was just what I needed to regroup a little and prepare for an upcoming change in schedule.
I thought I was done figuring things out and especially coming out of a very rough season, things finally started looking up. The internship interview came out to be pretty seamless and really felt the Holy Spirit guiding me through it. But that peace, reassurance, confidence left quickly, and the next few months felt like survival mode.
I realized pretty early on that I didn't have everything figured out, not even close. I was in a totally new season and chapter, with little guidance and support knowing how to navigate all the newness and change.
Little did I know that deep down I was ready for this. It was quite scary and challenging, but it strengthened me in a new way if I wasn't open to this season and opportunity.
I kept looking back to the past for comfort, for realizations, for support and just for my own mental sanity and inspiration, as I felt so alone and isolated in my experience. This also strengthened me as I was in my head a lot of the time, which I was used to in other seasons, yet this looked different.
Somehow, (by the grace of God), I managed to survive and finish out the semester and internship that wasn't life giving but had its own purpose to it. I would think back to the days of distant learning a few years back when I worked on zoom in the early time of COVID-19 and would pass by this library on the way to my job.
Somehow, I thought an inspiration of being and working there would be more enjoyable than working at my current job. Other connections followed like visiting there after work to pick up books, study, or use the restroom on my lunch breaks. In the end, it all felt interconnected and a deeper meaning to me being there for that semester.
The other week my sister was wearing a shirt with a butterfly on it. 'Mariposa' it said, and immediately I remembered and recalled this year was the year of the butterfly for me- it was the theme or the image I felt was symbolic for me.
When I was leaving one of my work shifts, there were cupcakes for teacher appreciation. And on top of the cupcakes there was a decoration, a butterfly ring. I smiled to myself and knew I had to keep it, as a memory on this journey, this hard year, yet also powerful, growth filled and learning curves.
There have been so many moments of seeing a butterfly flutter around and this year, raw aches, growing pains, new seasons and chapters reminds me of what I've experienced, gained and learned along the way.
An image of a butterfly feels more like a journey - a particular season and chapter of growth, discovery and hardships wrapped up in graces and blessings. It's ultimately made me trust in God more and go deeper and stronger in my faith and learn more about myself. The image of a butterfly a year ago felt so fresh and almost uncomfortable with stepping into a new season that I was so unfamiliar with, almost like stepping on ice and not knowing if you will slip first or of the ice will crack and break. It all felt so daunting and I felt so unprepared for it in my mind. (I like to feel prepared and know ahead of time) and didn't know what to expect.
I thought ideally, I would keep seeing the guy who was taking me out on dates. I assumed we would have more time together in the summer to get to know each other. But before any of those ideas fully became a reality they were dropped unexpectedly without any explanation.
Perhaps I am a little too idealistic, but it was also something hopeful, and to look forward to. And as any woman might feel, my 30th year was drawing to a close. It took weeks to heal, recover, process and ultimately know it was meant to be, in that we wouldn't be a good match for each other in many respects. And there were still and are many things I am learning and growing in myself- another symbol of the butterfly- growing, expanding, discovering.
This too is a whole new season- one of slowing down, processing, creating, enjoying, living.
I wasn't sure what to order, but the drink was the perfect amount of caffeine and milk, and to savor it especially since we had planned this for some weeks.
It was actually a sister type week. Seeing my dear sister on Tuesday, visiting my sweet sister on Wednesday and Thursday and plans with my dear sister again on Friday.
This is a wonderful opportunity for slowing down, for reflecting, healing, processing, creating, savoring and planning. And some coffee adds another special element.
I'm the youngest daughter. I'm number 7 of 8 children and what I call God's unique plan. I see number 7 as not lucky but sacred. Just as it is represented in the sacraments and scripture and known as the number of perfection. I am nothing close to perfect, but I know God's plan is.
I think about it from time to time, what I am doing, what I'm passionate about, what I'm studying to somehow pave the way for the next steps, for 'the plan', for the mission I am called on. But I also see it as baby steps, and boy am I a slow mover. God does not work overnight and call it done. He does not answer our requests to make things quick and effortless and allow all to go well with no mistakes. No, God is not in the business of microwave fix-it dinners and vegetables. God has his own time, and usually it's slower than we prefer.
I see His goodness all around me, especially in the uplifting spring-like weather currently. The blooming flowers, the greenery, the birds chirping. I think to myself, God is taking care of everything, and God is taking care of me.
I see this even more clearly while reading my favorite book, Left to Tell by Immaculee Illibigiza who writes about surviving the Rwandan genocide and finding God in the midst of the atrocities. She had to put her whole trust in God while hiding with a few other women in a tiny bathroom for 3 months while killers were outside hunting her tribe down. She continued to trust and plead for God’s protection, plan, healing, and comfort. All her prayers depended and revolved around God’s love to get her through unspoken despair, fear and darkness. What faith!
Do I see God like that? Even if I have not desperately hidden in a bathroom for 3 months to survive humanities’ worst atrocities, do I still trust God’s will for my life, my fears, and even my doubts? Immaculée struggled too, as she writes in her memoir about the voice of doubt, despair, and deep fear from the devil.
So many times in my own life I have been crippled by discouragement, doubt and feelings of spiritual attacks. I admire Immaculée's faith as she continued to pull through and pray and ask for the graces to overcome the evil one’s lies and temptations, as God always heard and provided for her needs.
In the popular TV series, The Chosen, in Season 2 Episode 5 it portrays and focuses on this topic of discouragement with Mary Magdalen becoming downtrodden and discouraged right from the beginning of the episode. Fear lurks in and eventually the evil one. She begins to lose sight of her faith, as well as faith in herself. I love this episode not just due to the beautiful and intricate filming and scenery but more importantly the deeper message at hand. Mary Magdalene suffers and as The Chosen represents it originally and artistically, it is through not just a spiritual attack but also trusting in her own strength rather than God's. How easily I can do the same!
In this episode, when Mary Magdalene encounters a man with demons inside of him, she thinks to be the strong one, or even guard and protect the few other disciples with her. But it has just the opposite effect. She is left spiritually empty and depleted, discouraged, as well as tempted with the same temptations and demons that she once had before as she moves further away from Jesus. She was more vulnerable to the same temptations and sins, not fully realizing her weakness and susceptibility.
We are all in need of God's graces and cannot fight any battle on our own. It is in scripture when Jesus showed us how to combat temptation when he was tempted by the devil in the desert. He showed to combat these lies and temptations from the evil one by prayer, fasting and quoting scripture. Ultimately the truth of God's word.
I look to these amazing women, Immaculee, and Mary Magdalen (portrayed in the TV series The Chosen), as well as in scripture of what it means to be a woman of faith, a strong woman who has conviction. Essentially, to strive for perfection and do God’s will. Both women know what it means to suffer, to endure, to hope, to follow and to trust. May I receive the grace to do the same.
~This post was written in March
It was worth all the stress and heartache of enduring the long, treacherous journey this semester and throughout my program. It was worth the many doubts and discouragements and darkness I could feel at times, or sometimes people's criticism. It was worth the commitment and long days at the computer and pounding out the schoolwork. It was worth the unknown of not sure what was on the other side and if I would pass.
It was worth the feeling of accomplishment, of perseverance and grit and listening to this call that seemed to stay strong and consistent. Though it still took a lot of trust and overriding the challenges, it was worth it. It was worth it to see the final result and push on through. And I'm so glad I did.
'My story, His glory' I couldn't help but notice the girl's cap in front of me upon walking up on stage. I felt it was necessary for me to see that, to be reminded of that. All the pain, hardship, doubt, discouragement and blood, sweat, and tears were all for God's glory wrapped up in my story, my journey. I love the encouragement, meaning and beauty in that there was something deeper in various parts of the journey, in the suffering, unknown, good, accomplishments and learning.
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He called me while I was shopping at Savors. He told me about his plans for his upcoming program and said he would graduate in May, a one year program. I was getting kind of annoyed because he was talking a lot, and felt like there wasn't much purpose in the phone call- the school year had ended, we weren't going to be seeing or working together anymore, and the way things ended were kind of odd and hurtful to me when he didn't even say 'thank you', 'have a nice summer', or 'goodbye' when we parted ways on campus. He asked when I would be graduating from my program. I said me too, in May, that's the plan at least.
Wow, that felt like a long ways a way, and what would happen throughout this next year, I thought to myself. I didn't have anything new to look forward to as I was very burnt out in my program and wasn't taking a summer class. Everything felt new, uncertain, unstable, open time, and nostalgia.
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I thought about that conversation with my old coworker while I was graduating last night and it made me smile, because I did it! I graduated, I finished, I completed this goal, this huge endeavor that I literally put so much of my energy, time, money, effort and brain cells into like never before.
'The rest is still unwritten.' As I was driving this morning, I turned on the radio and this song came on by Natasha Bedingfield, one of my favorites. I felt it symbolic as I felt free and ready to embrace this new season of no longer being a student, of closing out this long and hard chapter, rewarding yes, but tiring. Hard to put into words, but descriptive in my memory and feelings. I'm still processing much of it but throughout time would also like to write more about it and my journey.
It's a whole new season, chapter, and adventure ahead. Although not sure what it will look like necessarily, I do feel ready to embrace and anticipate it, as each season prepares us for the next in some way, shape or form.
Is there anything like finishing out your Masters studies and then the next day reading a book to your nephews' TK class? The ending of my schooling journey is just the beginning of theirs. Their first full year of being in a classroom and school is nearing the end, as mine did also. So, what better way to read them a story, and in some ways for both of us to close out our own chapters, and also surprise them and enjoy the experience. It put a smile on my face.
In case you're curious at all, the book I read was 'Adrian Simcox Does Not have a Horse.' It wasn't the first one I found or anything, rather I had to go through a few and did some brainstorming before coming across this one. I also didn't want to choose just any book to read- I wanted one with some significance and meaning. One day while I was searching the library webpage, I was curious to type in 'empathy' and this book was one of the first to come up.
I was intrigued and interested to check it out. Immediately, I loved the pictures that were like artwork with eye catching color, as well as the message. Yes, it was revolved around imagination and creativity but also understanding and empathy. This was the book that I would read to my nephews' class!
