God's Goodness

God's goodness feels like eating a cheese danish. 

Not just one, but two.

And it was free. Or else they would throw it out the next morning. 

My 5 dollars covered my coffee from recycling cans.

My mom and I had a nice, peaceful and fun time reading, drinking and eating at our favorite cafe spot overlooking some mountain ranges and vineyards with traffic hidden from the beautiful view and noise covered from the nice vibe and tunes. 

God's goodness is tested with patience, waiting and hoping to hear back from a job. And checking my phone every few minutes to see if I have a mis call. 

God's goodness is revealed when upon surrendering and saying to myself 'closed door', I hear back from the job and get an offer. I feel nothing but sheer joy and peace. And thank God with tears. 

Nothing to Prove

 This year was different. I felt that we had all grown up in different ways, more mature, more introspective, life experience and at times hard life lessons. Admittedly, I enjoyed myself more and I think I showed it too. Deep down, I could feel the graces from God from all the prayers and preparations and mindset these past summer months. 

I realize how selfish I can be, self-centered and even opinionated at times. I'm used to my 'independent' schedule and need to adapt to embrace this time, the hosting, serving, being together and connecting. I need time to adapt to a more 'exhausting' schedule that looks like multiple plans in a day to maximize the time and make it memorable and special. 

Burn out becomes quite real, and time to step away and think, pray, write or even some screen time do wonders for my energy to rise and feel back to a normal barometer to last the rest of the day. And I've realized that that is okay, and I don't have to apologize, or feel bad or put harsh expectations on myself that no one else is putting. 

I've seen it differently this time, in all the ways God has been showing me. To not just be an Aunt, a closer in age relative or sister type figure to my nieces, but also an example, a role model in my own unique way. 

I used to think that my life was less important or had lesser value compared to my other siblings because I wasn't married or had children. My life perhaps didn't look as 'fulfilling' or desirable or even one to admire or emulate to my nieces because my vocation hadn't started yet. I realize this is such a lie from the devil. 

I thought I had to prove something, so in some ways subconsciously my Masters program and my internship kind of did the work for that. 'Look, I have something to show for my life and efforts too!' Of course, that was an illusion since my internship turned out to be a horrible and hard experience and I didn't feel a lot of peace or joy in the last remaining parts of my rigorous program either. Instead, I was just trying to get through it and graduate. 

Fastforward a year later, I see the growth and maturity in me, and this time around with my nieces visiting. Those hard and raw parts from last year are over and done, and many lessons are behind me. I don't feel I have anything to 'prove', but rather an invitation to this is me, this is my life, this is what God is doing and has done. Not to say it's easy or seamless a majority of the time. I have my fair share of days when singlehood feels so raw, painful, and deep and the desires on my heart for marriage shake me to the core. But I look at what I have, what God is doing and will continue to do and try to remember to be grateful for all the graces and the silent, simple example I can give even in the thick of the storms. 

For My Mom, on Her Birthday

 There are so many things I know and love about mom. Others would agree and say the same- strong, fighter, young at heart, beautiful, listener, lifelong learner, baker, intuitive, faith filled, giver, friend. It seems that this though is just a start to a long list of traits that snake around the world and back again of all that you are and all that you've done.

 I will start by saying that though your 69th year brought trials, challenges and even suffering, your strength and faith in God pulled through. It was a year unlike any other with a pilgrimage to Ireland, going to Lake Sisko, driving to the Central Coast and seeing the missions, and welcoming 2 new grandchildren. 

I am so grateful for you- such a strong force in my life, an anchor, a friend, sharing things like books, clothes and recipes, stories, experiences and laughter. 

Some of my favorite moments of this year include going to HMB- captivated by the ocean waves and going to our favorite lunch spot and making a visit in the church; styling and brushing your hair when you weren't feeling well; going to Starbucks; waking up early with me to swim but instead you got us coffee; watching The Chosen in theatres for free after we used up all your regal gift cards, watching me walk across the stage to receive my Masters. 

I am grateful for what God has done in your life mom and will continue to do this new year and decade. Happy 70th birthday mom! You deserve the best. I love you!!

Losing Creativity and Finding It Again

 I was attempting and starting to apply to a job that didn't feel quite right but was pushing myself to go for it anyway. It was mid-June, and I felt like I had to have some prospects on the horizon as it had been a month since graduation. 

As I was starting to apply, in the background I had an audio playing of my sister's old friend. She was reading a written piece of hers to an online forum of other writers. My sister was friends with her back in middle school and high school and one of those people that we think of from time to time since she's just so original, talented and eclectic. 

It's inspiring to think of people like that, and so my sister shared with me this video of her old friend reading her original writing piece. It was interesting as I was listening and multi- tasking since I noticed I felt deprived. I felt deprived of this creative energy and strong voice from her writing. I missed entering into my talents, hobbies and interests, realizing more so that they were put on the back burner for a long while as I was busy pursuing my Masters, working, but mostly fully trenched in schoolwork, assignments, papers, and reading that felt far from my natural talents and interests most of the time.

So here I was, looking into applying to a part time library position at a school and my stomach and my shoulder muscles tighten, and I feel and sense something is not right, it feels off. I feel a little disjointed with myself- listening to someone's art piece while I'm struggling to even apply to a job that I feel I should even if it doesn't fully align somewhere deep inside. 

I've realized I've been craving some of my own creative endeavors, and listening to someone else's only stirs that desire more where once it felt dormant. I decide to take a break, think about it, especially if it's stressing me out. I go two weeks without any job searching and instead think, process, but mostly start to enjoy life again where I can focus on my hobbies of creating and less pressure for the time being. There was freedom, peace, and surrender. It only continued from there. 

Full Circle

 I parked in the same spot I did many months ago. It felt almost strange, but then again made sense for why I was here. The same school I came to for part of my internship last Fall for the middle school book club, was the school I had my interview yesterday. It was throughout that time that I felt a sense of loss, a depth of sadness, pain even. It nearly felt like I could be on the brink of tears in my sorrow throughout that time, always looking back of what once was, what I found joy and peace (working with students) in left me for a loss of words most days for the path that I was on, as things started to become more real and clear.

I feel I have come full circle and am proud of myself for this journey. It hasn't been anything close to easy or simple, but messy, impatient, struggles, doubt and deep questioning. Trying to be open to what and where God is leading me as well as where I feel most called to deep down, even admitting of it doesn't relate back to my Masters.

 I would be amiss to say I've been hesitant and dare I say even fearful of others' opinions at times, or criticisms that almost feel up for display that could lack genuine questions going deeper into my journey, my prayer, my discernment these past months and years and where it has lead up till now.  However, coming out of the interview, I felt peace, confidence and even joy. Though not knowing the answer, I felt like I was in the right place and God blessed my efforts. I felt like I was home, and listening to these inner desires of where I feel called to be, and ultimately trusting God for what he has planned.

Our Lady and the Rosary

 

On our road trip and way to the missions, I was immediately reminded of Our Lady and the Rosary and various connections. It was at San Juan Baustista back in February that my sister and I had sometime outside the hotel rooms on the trip she invited my mom and I to. I was feeling rather anxious but getting away was helpful and carved back some inspiration in my life and the dreariness of the demands of my schoolwork and anxiety and depression from stress and my job. 

She showed me a book about the Rosary, a devotional highlighting all the mysteries, women's writings and interestingly enough, a lady who wrote in every section her notes prayers and thoughts on every page and looked like every corner filled with her deepest reflections, prayers and feelings. 

Her personal writing felt more captivating than the published text of other writers in the booklet, as you felt like she was pouring her heart out and were a witness to every drop, putting the pieces together of her life, hardships, joys, ordinary and suffering. My anxiety lifted when I heard about this devotional book from my dear sister. 

Before going on our trip, I saw a book from Matthew Kelly on the Rosary. I've seen it before but never read it, and now want to read it! 

My mom bought me a beautiful rosary at one of the missions that I liked a lot.

My sister let me borrow one of her books by our favorite author, Immaculee Ilibagiza about the Rosary and her devotion to it when I was feeling so anxious, as well as praying the rosary of the 7 sorrows of our Lady. These were so helpful during that uncomfortable time and actually made my anxiety and anguish go away all from our Lady's help and my sister and confirmation sponsor help me through that. I am so grateful. 

Lastly, the last mission we saw was Our Lady of Solitude or Our Lady of Sorrowful Solitude- depicting our Lady of 7 Sorrows. I had been carrying around and trying to pray the 7 sorrows of Our Lady Rosary. As this was a mission I had never seen, I thought this was so meaningful. All tying back to Our Lady~ Our Lady, undoer of Knots, pray for us. 

Getting Away Is Refreshing

 Something about getting away refreshes your mindset, perspective, routine. And sometimes you don't even know you need it; it just hits you like a breath of fresh air. 

I've never been further than the Santa Barabara Mission- the missions beyond that I've never seen or explored. I've been to LA and parts of Souther California but not in a number of years. It was beautiful to break away and explore San Buenaventura mission and be immersed in the sea breeze, beach town and laid-back feel. The mission is right on the edge of the downtown. 

Something about getting away also makes you observe more closely. You see another town, area, culture and watch the people pass by, hear people's conversations and mannerisms, and the restaurants and shops in the area. The picture above is when my parents and I were having dinner. 

The evening glow and summer feel of people walking the streets was apparent, and the bells of the nearby mission was occurring. I saw people going to and walking out of the local ice cream shop, people walking their dogs, friends in groups talking and laughing together, a bride walking in her white gown with her friends, a small group of friends and one of their ice cream scoops fell onto the ground and her laughing. 

Everything is new, interesting and refreshing to enter into someplace else for a while. 

Rest a While

 Rest a while. While I was driving on my way to work a few months ago, the serenity, peacefulness and beauty of the surroundings invited me to contemplate. Though I felt restlessness and anything but peace on my way to that job and working there, the greenery from the trees and flourishing plants reminded me of God's care and peace.

When I got sick 3 times in the past 2 months, I would think about that time of driving past the serenity of lush plants in an upscale area, and felt God was calling me to rest. He was calling me to rest when I got sick just 2 weeks apart and had to lay low and was forced to contemplate and trust. I felt like I was pulled out of a bad job and experience, knowing deep down it was causing a lot of trauma, as well as reliving trauma which would essentially take weeks or more to process, heal and recover from. 

Rest, prayer, stillness, this would be the answer to my heightened anxiety and disturbance. I felt getting sick was my body's way of also recovering and slowing down from the busyness of running from place to place as well as my mind in knots from stress. 

This past Sunday's Gospel reading reminded me of this rest. Jesus says to his disciples, "Come away by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while."  A while meaning sometime, a definite amount of time perhaps, but in the end productive and rejuvenating. 

I felt like I needed to do just this over the weekend. I had anxiety and anguish that led to very little sleep and felt like my body was running on fumes. I needed to restore peace, prayer and time to sit and just be. I didn't want to leave adoration, and so I stayed until everyone left for Mass, and I was the last one, as well as the first one to open the curtains and close them and say goodbye to Jesus in the Eucharist. I felt my peace restored and my mind cleared and felt like myself again. 

What Jesus said in the Gospel reading resonated with me, as I felt it was directed at me. I'm glad I listened. 

Blessings of Memories

 Looking back is an interesting experience. It stirs upon deep feelings of sometimes nostalgia and memories of God's hand and grace at work. Looking at 'old' photos wasn't so much old but feeling that much time has passed even if just 3 years' worth. 

The simple things come to me as special, the routine, even sometimes the rut in what I was going through, the hard and raw parts, the stirrings on my heart, my program and all the work involved, the students I was helping at my job, and time with my dear sisters and driving to Fairfield to visit, to babysit, sleep overs, and for quality time. 

I would often look to the future or at least think about it and often wonder what it would look like, how would things unfold? I was wrapped up in others' lives sometimes, but also my own and the present moment and making the best of it even when I didn't love everything about it. 

I recently reread an email my sister wrote August 2018and sent to me 3 years after she wrote it to the exact day. It was everything I needed to hear as I was going through the same thing she was at that time and her words were so comforting. I read it while I was making my lunch the evening before the first day of the school year. It would be another year at my same job, and feeling like I was walking on parched ground. My younger brother had just gotten engaged, and I was trying to embrace this new season and feeling like everything was staying the same yet also a new level of hard. I was growing a lot amidst the ordinary and it was very humbling. 

That time is seen as more sweet than bitter now looking back. It taught me a lot. There were simple and ordinary days mostly even if things were starting to change post Covid closures. There was a sense of peace I was on the right page despite the unknown. God had it all under control. It was a grace filled and beautiful time. 

Nov. 2021 With my Uncle and Mom; Uncle and nephew's birthday party

Guadalupe

In the beginning of the year, I found out about Blessed Guadalupe Ortiz on the Opus Dei website, and I was intrigued by her life story and interested to know more. I read part of an e book and then purchased the book of letters to her spiritual director, St. Josemaria. 

Then, for my birthday my dear sister gifted me a book about her that I had been wanting to read. As I've been reading it, I've gotten to know more about her and her life story, and am in awe and inspired by her generosity, cheerfulness, and faithfulness.  Her positive spirit and humor uplifts and her rich spiritual life. I find thigs that are different or similar to me, like also her devotion to St. John of the Cross. But mostly, wanting to be more like her and learn from her example. Today is the day she passed away, but her declared feast day is May 18. 

I felt inspired to copy and draw a picture of her from the book I'm reading. I feel she has been with me throughout this year and at the start of this new year for me turning a new age. I drew flowers on her clothes not as a copy but rather as a symbolism of this new year in what I see as the richness and beauty of flowers. 

Blessed Guadalupe Ortiz, pray for us

An Image

 Going to the church today restored my peace, but it took time. It took longer than expected and anticipated. But with silence, praying the rosary, reading some spiritual reads, and writing in my prayer journal, the veil was lifted. And I didn't feel at all similar to what I felt upon entering. And I was grateful. 

Upon exiting, as usual, I say some prayers in front of Our Lady of Guadalupe image. This image is the definition of peace, of joy. I love looking at it and contemplating Our Lady. And then it reminded me of an image of myself- 10 years ago.

10 years ago, I was in the exact same church, going to daily Mass and praying in front of Our Lady of Guadalupe image. Oh, how different life looks now, and I am, but how similar! I am the same yet different, 10 years older, yet still a child in the spiritual life, in my life of figuring out the next steps, in language studies, in my awareness of God's love for me. 

10 years ago, I reenacted my studies in Chinese. I had started in January of that year but then stopped for a little bit in the spring and summer with German instead, but then decided upon Chinese since I wanted to study it and take classes at my University. 

Now, I have been entering into that world again and reviewing my notes and learning. So much time had passed, but my memory of learning Chinese and dedication hasn't been forgotten. 

Just like seeking peace and joy in God's presence, and entering into the church for some silence, it hasn't been forgotten of what He can do, what He can heal, and provide- so much goodness and richness!