Bittersweet

 

This year was unlike any other. But then again, what year is exactly like the other? 

-I finished and got my Masters degree

- I did something I've wanted to do for a long time, do a Paint Nite!

-I volunteered with my public library for the Literacy program, (also something I've wanted to do for a while.)

-I went on a road trip down south, all the way to Pasadena with my parents, and saw lots of Missions on the way. :)

-I went on two Confirmation retreats 

- I gained a nephew, and found out I'll have another nephew and niece coming 2025 :)

-I saw 4 movies in theatres (That is very rare, maybe I only see about 1 every other year, depending.)

-I went on a long-distance blind date

-I read 53 books!

-I knitted a scarf

-I attended Jury Duty and actually liked it.

-I went to a woman's ministry group

-I created a Chinese language learning blog:) 

-I got my blood checked for a sugar blood test (which is always hard/scary for me)

- I worked with students again

-I got sick 4 different times

-I got and used the Hallow app

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I wonder what 2025 will bring.  All in God's will.

 Happy New Year!!

Farewell December

 This month has slipped passed me. It is always busy, fluttering with activities, to do's, spiritual enrichment, and desperately seeking vacation. This month was also a fun writing challenge with my sister.

 I didn't succeed too well as the days and weeks got busy or just felt like a blur in the winter fog and tiredness. My inspiration felt like a lull, and barely a creak when I woke up sleepy eyed and not very energized, coffee attempted. 

Somehow, the weeks after Thanksgiving felt the hardest and longest. I love Advent and Christmas time, but it can be rather challenging to set priorities and make time for everything. To feel on time with gifts, spiritually mature and ready for Christ's coming, dodging sickness and the hustle and bustle. There are high expectations that we simply put on ourselves. Sometimes being sick makes us pull back, reflect, recompose and realize what truly matters during this holy season. 

Like this year, I unfortunately wasn't able to go to Christmas Eve/Christmas Day Mass due to feeling sick and under the weather with a low-grade fever and sore throat. I read the scripture readings and sang some Christmas carols to myself in bed. I truly felt plans had changed just like they did for Mary, and Joseph when "there was no room for them in the inn." 

I feel I am finally catching up, to myself, to this holy Christmas season, and the cusp of the new year and reflecting and closing out this one. I'm excited for 2025 and anticipating what God will do this upcoming year. 2024 had a lot of curve balls, hard and anxiety filled moments, emotion and tears, but also spiritual growth, awe, laughter and creative endeavors. 

Last night, I redecorated my room. It was like I had almost forgotten how it feels to create something with my hands, to get in that creative flow and forget about time. Ideas felt limitless. I simply lost sight of all that weighed me down before that made me dry up like a desert inside. It felt evergreen. 

Hello Cozy

 

This is the mini poster I made about a year ago for my internship. A year ago, I completed my final hours for it, and it felt like it would never end. It was like a waterfall, water pouring continuously like a strong storm, and not stopping any time soon. The water crashing in waves with full force, felt like how it was for me, being tossed, and slapped with icy cold sheets. Being relieved and happy that it was all soon to be over were understatements. 

I remember distinctly feeling protected from the remaining hours when the book club at the school ended and I had to drive back to finish my hours at the library. Such drudgery I thought, but I've endured this far.

What actually happened was the librarian who was with me couldn't start her car once exiting the school. It was her car battery. We had to get the school librarian to call a teacher to help us with installing jump cables, and that took up more time. I didn't want to leave her, I mean I would want someone to be with me if my car battery was dead. So that took up a portion of the time, yayy! I thought. 

And with only about an hour in a half left at the library, it wasn't too bad and felt like I knew what to do- fix a book display and organize and put away books, nothing new really. What I didn't know was that there was going to be a surprise party for me since it was my last day. 

The librarian with the car trouble finally came back and told me about this party that wasn't going to happen after all and instead gave me the sparkling cider bottles. I was relieved, with one less awkward thing to endure. God and my guardian angel were protecting me. 

This image of the poster above was actually a mistake one that I didn't use for the display but I printed it out to see how it would look near my cubical like desk. It was hidden in the corner, facing the back parking lot, and then my desk was switched near the clock on the wall. I could always hear it tick, often slowly. I think the only thing I added to the mini poster was a candy cane for the final look. 

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I was walking in the dark, chilly November evening. It didn't feel like Fall anymore, but rather like the heart of winter. I felt like my heart was aching, in pain not from the sheer cold, but from my internship. I was walking passed the Christmas tree that was up and all lit for the holiday festivities, but it didn't feel like it. 

I was ruminating on the uncomfortableness of it all- what the librarian said to me, as we were sitting right next to each other at our desks. 'That's bizarre' is all that I had ringing in my head. Almost trying to laugh, or let out a sigh, a breath that was suffocated for far too long inside me while walking past the shimmering lights and glass ornaments in the tall tree. The icy, cold air could taste my breath as it was lit. 

I was hurt, annoyed, confused. 'That's bizarre' she said about my idea for a book display that sounded ridiculous, yet in my mind she said I could do whatever I wanted, she was open. I interpreted it as literally anything. 

I'll admit, the idea wasn't holiday or Christmas inspired or even the typical winter themed display you'd naturally think of for December. Instead, I chose U.S. Presidents, and I found a lot of books about Presidents so it should have been pretty easy. But 'That's bizarre' kept echoing in my head. 

Why does everything have to feel so hard and unnatural for me? I thought, as I was brisk walking to get away, to go to my car, to think, to be free. To do anything but spend any extra minute than what was unnecessary inside there. 

It was the feast of St. Andrew, and my mom was having another surgery for her cancer. I would have dinner alone that night. I tried to let it dissipate into the icy air and be sent to God like incense, taken away from me, to regain my peace, on the few eves before Advent. 

Make Room

 

I've had this notebook for 7 years. It's actually a ripped-out page inside that I liked, and perfect for the Advent season. The notebook is actually a devotional for Advent that I used those years ago. Why have I kept it? Because if you're anything like me, I find a need or think that there may be a need in the future. 

Last year I did use it since the days and timing of Advent synced exactly as it did in this notebook. Glad I kept it; I thought to myself. 

This quote from Our Lady depicted in the Gospel of Luke 1:38, surrounds the Advent season, and prior as emulating Mary being obedient, willing, and in love with God's will, fully open and receptive to His will. Without it, we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas. We wouldn't be blessed with Jesus' human presence on earth. 

So, it's the first Sunday of Advent. A new liturgical year and season. What grace bestows and waits for us, this year, this season, this Advent, and Christmas. 

I'm currently listening to Casting Crows- 'Make Room' and stumbled upon it last year right before Christmas day, busy wrapping presents. The song gave me such peace and contentment amidst cutting, taping, organizing and knowing it would be a different and quieter Christmas.

 It still gives me this peaceful stillness, hope and a warm invitation. "Is there room in your heart? Is there room in your heart for God to write His story?" Mary did just that, and it's for us to make space, room for God in our lives and especially in preparation for Christmas. 

Looking at Gratitude

 Thanksgiving. A word we use often, but a holiday that comes once a year. Thanksgiving, full of meaning, imbued with gratitude, receiving and reflection. A time to pause, to consider all that we have been given and blessed with. In the Mass, the word 'Eucharist' -Jesus' body, means Thanksgiving. 

I came to think of a card I received earlier this year- in response to a 'thanksgiving' message. The people (or person) from my internship meaning to thank me for my time at the library. The front of the card was decked out in fall decor, namely a shape of a leaf with orange glitter inside. I ended my internship in late Fall last year (early December), so it was fitting, even if I received the card a bit later once the new year had already started. 

It may seem strange to be thankful for something that was painful or hard. However, we can learn a lot about ourselves and grow in significant ways when this happens. Also, we can become closer to God and grow deeper in our faith. My internship was one of these times, and parts of this year too. 

I think of the year in a general sense, scanning the calendar year like a children's picture book. But what I miss are the details, it could be the colorful drawings, the characters, the humor, the main message, etc. I've done the same for this year of 2024. I've overlooked major pieces. The good, the many blessings and graces, the beautiful, glorious, funny, and inspired times; they're still there too, all wrapped up in God's book, God's story. I just need to remind myself of them a bit more, a bit longer.

And what helps with doing this is going through photos. This week, I 've been saving photos from this year and a few years past to eventually print out. That's when the beauty comes in full view of what happened, what has happened, and sheer proof of it. It could be simple like a beautiful flower, or a family photo or a milestone event like my Master's graduation. They are all big and purposeful in the eyes of God. 

There is something sweet that comes from crosses, in which God shows you not only a sense of personal or spiritual growth, but also a piece of His cross that becomes joy.

Mission San Juan Bautista in February

Right outside Mission San Buenaventura in July

Hunger Games

 It seems I associate this book with a certain time in my life. It comes back to me like a strong sense of smell hitting my olfactory bulb, yet it's my memory instead that has carved out Fall 2012 like a heart in a tree. I recall all the memories coming back to me of where I was, my schedule, and who I was friends with second year into Junior College. I had borrowed this book from a friend in student government, and it was all the rage. 

'The Hunger Games' is what I am referring to, and the students at my school are starting to read it so I'm reading it along with them. I've seen the movie of course when it came out but have forgotten some of the details. 

Upon reading this book again after a little over a decade, I recall what I learned from a spiritual talk I went to recently. One of the ways the evil one gets control, the speaker declared and has influence is through government. Think of Communism, Nazism, etc... These were all purely evil (do those words cancel each other out?). 

With the book, 'The Hunger Games', I realize even more so a corrupt and vicious government only seeking selfish gains, or worse, pure torture for its citizens speaks to this fact and nature of the fallen angel's influence. Of course, it's a work of fiction, but it questions the role of government and what is good entertainment versus entertainment to another's harm or worse, death. 

This book is entertaining, hooking you from the beginning, with a dystopian feel. Written in first person from the main character, Katniss' s perspective, she's also seen as a heroine, a rebel, a nonconformist to the rules of how future North America, now called Panem dictates and rules their citizens with the hunger games. I remember I had a classmate in Math that year who would always say the line from Hunger Games or write it at the end of her emails- 'May the odds be ever in your favor'.

Various things come back to me reading this book again. It's not a classic by any sense of the word, but it's picked to read for the students, and with it for me at least. wrapped up with all the things I've learned and grown all these years in between. 

God Saw It All

 Making a visit like we always do brings back our daily ritual from when we were in high school. Though the time spent at the old church that exudes peace, quiet, stirrings of young adult memories and Christmas Mass, and many rosaries is closer still. God saw that and was appreciative, even smiled. Reliving the old days, and even recent past years of going to a Starbucks, and not usually talking too much but working or reading, writing, or even consciously wondering deep down where our lives were headed and where God was calling us to on our paths. 

She would be working on her credential work or studying for tests, and I would be studying in my own way- languages, reading and jotting down notes, putting my thoughts and feelings down with the pen doing cursive like loops on the paper and having no rush at all.  

But this time, there were no distractions. No work to be done. No computers to block our view of each other or screens to indulge in. We were sitting in the exact same seats as we were on that dreary, wet March 2020, stumbling to grasp the news of Covid-19 and the ominous feeling of it all. I remember it well. All we had today though were the drinks in front of us, and the memories and the eagerness and desire to catch up in real life, and even go back a few months to get back on track.

What happened a few months ago? Did I ever tell you this?, or what I was feeling or going through?  Where to start when life seems to stop, or barely pause for its own breath, when you're trying to do the same with your sweet sister. Maybe, just maybe the baby in her womb could hear our breaths, time stop and just listen and talk, and laughs on repeat. 

Old Carpet, New Carpet

 The smell of the new carpet not only makes the room appear bigger but also feels fresh and clean. We haven't had new carpet since I was in middle school. I remember it was in summertime.

All we could see were the wooden floor and panels, as the old and weathered brown carpet peeled off its memories before the pink carpet was placed. It was like it was naked, and some of my sisters and I were dancing to John Mayer, and I could hear the wood creak a little. It was fun to dance on wood. 

Life was simple, it was either before or the summer after my oldest sister got married. We were listening to a CD my sisters had burned, and I don't know why John Mayer comes to mind, with specifically his lyrics, 'So much sacred in the month of June.' 

Now I look back and think about how that pinkish rose carpet has served us through all the events, holidays, gatherings, cat paws roaming and scratching, babies crawling and being changed, chats and conversation, listening and singing and piano playing. Surprise stains that wouldn't come off from Thanksgiving or Christmas meals, or muddy shoes.

 I walk in the door, and it smells fresh, and brand new. 

An Aroma of Memories

 I didn't know how to make coffee. I was thinking about this funny and interesting fact as I was making coffee 2 mornings ago. 

I remember I was working at a fast-food restaurant and working at the register. Someone asked for coffee, and I had to make it, but I didn't know how. I realized I wasn't taught how or it just was supposed to know how. I don't remember how long that man had to wait for his coffee, until perhaps someone else made it for him. It was awkward, it was cringe worthy, and like the job itself, it felt hard and unnatural for me in an endless noisy, busy, and crowded environment. 

Funny enough, I came back to that same workplace 2 evening s ago (the same day I was thinking about that coffee story) for a young adult social. I hadn't stepped into that place since I worked there, a little over 9 years ago! Of course, all the memories flooded back, but mostly remembering being the one on the other side of the counter taking orders and preparing drive-thru drinks. 

The true desires of my heart to work with students was present during those busy and anxiety inducing work shifts, but I learned so much about myself, and challenged myself in ways I wouldn't expect, that still come back to me all these years later, while enjoying a burger and some fries. :)

Pedicured Nails

 My pedicure has grown out extensively. It's been 5 months since my graduation from my Masters and getting my nails done, and so much has happened it feels.

Just like the paint getting off, and my nail's growth to make the pedicure no longer fresh and new, so too does that time of graduating feel distant. I remember walking up those steps to receive my diploma and so elated and joy filled that the day had finally come, and everything was officially over, and it was a new beginning. 

My program too feels quite distant, and I must admit, a blur. It was all pretty demanding, busy, and exhausting. So, to be honest, I don't think about it too much and am glad it's behind me. And in some ways, that feels normal. My life and schedule look and feel different and all the in between to get here now. 

The path didn't look clear or super simple, mostly hazy and uncertain of what was next. I felt that I was mostly in my head and doing what I had to do, but not fully preparing or wanting to for what was to come. My heart and intuition were telling me other things- of what I was naturally good and gifted at, and what gave me peace and joy. 

Listening to my inner self and voice wasn't easy though, since that came with critical thoughts and doubts from me. I had to trust and accept. The reality didn't make sense, but the past did and what worked and made sense to me, even if not to others was what I kept coming back to. 

So, I don't think about that time too much, yet my toenails remind me. And other memories can creep back up, yet still mostly a blur, a set time and season, realizations and growth. 

My Grandpa

 This past week was my late Uncle's birthday. This week also was when I received in the mail the memory book of my Grandpa that my dear sister created. I was so looking forward to seeing it.

It brought back some memories, but mostly it gave me more insight and knowledge into who he was, his life, his personality, his childhood, his hardships such as later in life losing his wife and living alone for 10+ years. Or working at the same company for nearly 40 years! 

My Grandpa had a lot of endurance and grit, that sometimes I think is lost these days. When things come too easy, and the various options we have compared to back then, people's values and motives are a lot different. 

I feel that my Grandpa had a heart of gold. He had so much fortitude and was a man of the highest caliber and character, par excellence. He practiced his faith and that's what kept him going in the later years of his life. He suffered loneliness, and health issues, but never wavered. I recall from memories and photos of him that he always had a smile on his face. 

His name meant 'God is my judge'. What a profound reminder and way to live your life- that only loving and living for God matters in the end. His life was a model of this.