Two Gifts

 Yesterday I received two gifts. One was a bag my mom made and sewed with pretty floral material. She gave it to me without me knowing she made it and had me in my mind. It was nice, and pretty like I said. But I guess I didn't love it in the sense that I would use it. If I'm honest, it looked more like a little girl, something for my younger nieces. I mentioned that to my mom, and she said that was fine, no hurt feelings. 

I apologized again, and felt a bit bad that I didn't really embrace this gift, it just didn't really look like me. My mom said it was fine, but she felt that the colors and blend of the floral material looked more artsy and like Monet or Impressionism style and that's why she thought of me. I guess I could start seeing it too, and it didn't so much look like 'little girl' but rather beautiful, creative, artsy, and simple- my mom had me in mind, and I embraced the gift. 

The second gift, if you will, was when my mom was going through old photos and cards. She came across one of me and handed it to me- it was of my Junior year in High School. I was surprised I didn't flinch. I never liked this photo, and it was actually my least favorite yearbook photo and also interesting my least  favorite year in High School (it was by far my hardest year in many respects). But I actually came to like it. 

I never liked it since my face looked not so much tan but sunburnt- I couldn't really tell anymore. I didn't like my smile or my eyes in the photo, but now they just 'spoke me', little me at 17. I didn't love my hair, but I actually liked it with its blonde streaks and highlights, but mostly strawberry blonde look- I must say it was a gorgeous color that I never paid attention to. I felt my cheeks were bigger because of the sun streaked face, but again, it just looked like me with a year of JV high school basketball behind me, two years of French class, a year of being VP for the Students for Life club, 2 years with my sister and 2 years to come with my younger brother, and many, many bus rides still to go, and many behind me, not to mention waiting at the bus stop sometimes longer than usual, and a year ahead of loving my math class, not thriving being President of SFL club, navigating friendships, and missing my sister while she was in Italy, as well as my two other sisters who moved out within a span of a week. There was so much ahead, and I didn't even know. 

10 years later, I would be working at a High School, and happy to be staff and not a high school student anymore. It feels great to embrace all that awkwardness, self-doubt, and teenage growth in yourself years later and see it as a learning curve and a journey and just how precious all of it is. It was a gift to see that school photo again. And sometimes, after all these years later, I feel deep down I haven't really changed too much at all.

Annunciation

 Feast of the Annunciation today.  I didn't go to Mass, but already it felt like a better and more uplifting day than yesterday. This warm, spring weather and blossoming air really uplifts the spirit after the winter chill and rain. 

Today, I was thinking about Our Lady, who said yes to God's plan of her carrying in her womb the Savior of the world and becoming a mother to Him. I thought about her questioning, her willingness to do God's will and her joy in becoming pregnant with her own Lord and Savior.

 When I felt the sunshine on my face, and the tree blossoms, and a tree in the morning sunlight today, I thought also of the contrast with this beauty- Satan's interruption and hate for it. Since he already interrupted it once with Adam and Eve, this was God's divine plan and intervention. 

I thought of this contrast with the evil one, since a movie I've seen a couple of years ago titled, 'Mary of Nazareth' depicts Mary peacefully and joyfully in nature looking up at a tree, and around the corner of the tree is the snake lurking, not too soon before the angel Gabriel appears to her when she is back at her house.  I love the way Mary is so peaceful and content and is so willing and happy to say 'yes' to God's plan., even if she doesn't fully understand it. 

I feel this has already been a 'year of Mary' for me with daily rosaries, listening to rosary in a year, listening to Immaculee speak and share about her love for Mary and the rosary, purchasing and wearing Marian inspired jewelry created by my dear sister, consecration to Our Lady of Lourdes again this year. 

I only want to keep up devotion to Our Lady and emulate her love, joy, peace and trust in God's plan. 

It Started with Banana Pancakes

 It started with banana pancakes. This past Sunday, I made banana pancakes for breakfast using Ina Garten's recipe. It was fun to mix the ingredients, bake, and eat them. It was better than any ordinary (banana) pancake I must say, just as Garten states.

The week ended with attending a young adult event at a person's house and thinking I would meet only strangers, which I was happy to do, but I also saw a few familiar faces and had good conversations with them and the people I didn't know as well. People are craving connections, community, like mindedness and feeling a part of something. I feel this too...as I figure out my next steps and find purpose and meaning in my next chapter and line of work/career. 

But it was a breath of fresh air, spring blossoms and cool spring rain rising into my lungs as I entered that house last night. Bubbling with conversation, drinks and eating, and endless possibilities and hope. Hope that there are people out there, and that there are purposes and reasons for this dryness at times.

Dryness, emptiness. These words I read in the daily readings yesterday at Mass from the Old Testament with Joseph whose brothers tried to kill him since he was favored by his father and they were jealous of him. Sometimes I too can feel and experience this dryness like Joseph who was "stripped of the long tunic he had on; then they took him and threw him into the cistern, which was empty and dry" (Genesis 37). But then I know that there's a reason, a purpose, light at the end of the tunnel and hope. 

Unexpected Graces from Retreats

 I never would have expected to have gone on 3 retreats in 3 years. These weren't necessarily planned on my own accord, but rather just came about. 

The first one in 2023 was a spring retreat, after Easter but still during the Easter season. It was in mid-May right around Mother's Day. One of my sisters was helping plan it and invited other women (it was a women's silent retreat). I initially thought I couldn't go due to a lot of assignments and a busy time of year. But later, I felt an inspiration from the Holy Spirit to go, and everything did work out and was able to take some time off work and everything to make it happen. I'm so glad I did. 

I still remember this special and refreshing retreat, one which was so needed to get away from all the noise, and distractions. We were given small notebooks to take our notes in throughout the retreat, and I tried my best to take the notes from the priest's reflections and homily; he was a profound speaker. 

It was nice to be around other catholic women and cultivate this prayerful silence and listening to the reflections from the CFR priest and time spent in adoration, as well as opportunities for confession. My sister asked me to be a lector for one of the readings and though I was somewhat nervous, it was powerful to proclaim the word of God. 

The second retreat was at the end of 2024 for Confirmation. I was helping out with this weekend retreat for the Confirmation Year 2. I didn't realize or anticipate how much I needed to get away, in silence, in nature, beauty, outdoors and to be with the teens and get to know them a little more. There was preparation for this retreat, but I didn't expect that it would feel like a retreat for myself as well- so many graces, consolations, tears, gratitude, prayers. It was a trying time. 

The 3rd retreat was this year, just 2 weeks ago. I heard about it from my sister-in-law. It was the author and speaker, Immaculee Ilibagiza who spoke at a church. And luckily, it wasn't too far away, and I was able to make it work with my schedule. It was so beautiful to meet her in person, after reading her books a number of times. I used that small green notebook I used from the women's retreat to take notes on what she said. I never would have imagined having met her. It was a joyous and grace filled time. 

Refreshment

 

I felt this drive, this vigor to study, to pursue, to accomplish. To create goals for myself, ones that last and have meaning and purpose but also challenging and motivating. I had a plan, to go to a new adoration chapel and upon entering I felt like God was waiting for me (He always is waiting for us) since there was no one there at the time. I took it all in, the beauty of the new and refreshing setting.

It was so inviting, so beautiful, peaceful, and quiet. I could let my thoughts in my mind and heart sink into the walls, the statues of Our Lady and St. Joseph, to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. It was a hard day. Another day of having so much in my interior to be sifted through from the day to process, to heal, to pray, to listen, to reflect and breathe. 

I noticed when I left the chapel, my breathing was lighter, peaceful and the strains and tension on my shoulders dissipated. Going to that chapel really helped, and also a new environment, a new, refreshing place to pray, to be still. 

Afterwards, I went to a cafe to study. One that I've been to throughout the seasons. I tried to review a little before I would talk to my brother on the phone. From the window, I could see the sky turn a light pink, the stillness and cool air enter as its shift was about to come. The afternoon was fading and evening was entering like a Polaroid as I slowly sipped, ate, and wrote down notes. My brother and I talked and caught up a bit, it was good. He was about to enter into his night shift. 

As I was driving home, I couldn't help but think of a year ago and where I was at, and what I was doing. I felt like I had grown so much, learned and been through growing seasons that stretched me in new ways, in good ways, in purposeful and painful ways. I felt like I was doing things at times a year ago just because, just to get it done, but didn't really believe it with all my heart, didn't really know what the result or outcome would be. I knew deep down that there were pieces missing to the puzzle. I just wasn't sure if I would ever find them. 

Like hindsight, like a bird's eye view, wisdom shows its face, and the past becomes clearer, more understandable. I see things clearer now, and I feel like God has laid out my path in ways I hadn't fully noticed, hadn't believed in, somewhat doubtful and unready. 

He will guide in my days, He will set a lamp to my feet to walk, to trust in Him. 

Marian Flowers, Marian Week

 I feel that this was a Marian week. I was trying to emulate and soak in all that I received from Immaculée's retreat and about Our Lady and the Rosary. I asked Our Lady Monday morning, to be with me at work, to feel her presence. I felt my prayer was answered when a teacher announced on email that there were some flowers up for grabs in the breakroom/teacher lounge. I was interested to look and see these flowers.

I was happy no one else was there, as I could take my time to look through which ones to take, daffodils, lily, tulips, hydrangea. I felt like Our Lady was inviting me, with me in my day, as I had just two days ago consecrated myself to her. I had put a fuchsia pink rose with baby's breath in a vase near her statue at the church while Immaculee was praying. These flowers I took from work also felt like a reminder of life, of spring, of beautiful things. 

Two days last week, I put a rosary in my pocket. So, throughout the day, in the classes I'm in I could be reminded of Mary, as I touched the rosary. 

My dear sister opened up an Etsy shop with created jewelry pieces inspired by Our Lady. I was so happy and proud of her, her creativity, her love for Our Lady and inspiration to personally create these beautiful pieces. I ordered 2 of them. Our Lady is always close to us, never far away. 

Meeting Immaculee

 How do you prepare to meet your favorite author? How do you prepare to meet an amazing, holy, faith filled woman who inspired you all these years by reading her books? You feel like you know her. You don't really, but you know her story from what she's written, about surviving the Rwandan Genocide. 

I had no idea I would meet my favorite author, Immaculee Ilibagiza the author of my favorite book, Left to Tell. It seems that most Februarys I have read this amazing book. (Not sure why, maybe because Februarys can be a hard part of the year?)  And now, in February past weekend I attended a retreat, an event where she spoke. God's sense of humor. 

A year ago, I was reading it, at work while on my break. I even told a coworker about this book in passing. I've it read a number of times, and somehow it doesn't get old. I find something new or purposeful every time. I felt like it gave me hope and inspiration when I was reading it at my job last year since I too felt like I was in my own 'small bathroom'. The author during the genocide was hiding with a few other women for 3 months. There was no breakroom at my old workplace, no privacy, just a chair in the back. Thinking of her story gave me a dose of energy and inspiration when I felt uncomfortable in a small workplace and with a creepy coworker. 

There were other times where this book helped me in my faith, and all that she had to go through and endured, with losing nearly all her friends and family. The Pandemic and working alone in my classroom while helping students the best I could on zoom. It was a very solitary and lonely time, day in and day out. But reading Left to Tell lifted up my spirits and even inspired me a little with the French language since Ilibagiza knows French as one of her languages she speaks. 

I remember while working at a Preschool 6 years ago, I pulled out Left to Tell while the toddlers had their nap time. It was in February. I thought about Africa, particularly Rwanda and how different life would be and culturally while looking at a map in that classroom. It was inspiring to let my mind wander as that season and that job for me were rather challenging. 

I can remember first reding Left to Tell back in 2012. I heard about it from my sister, and I started reading it in February. I also remember reading it while waiting for my math class. I was so intrigued by her story and even wrote about it on my old and first blog. 

Upon seeing Immaculee in person for the first time, I was succumb with tears. Thinking about all the different times and seasons of my life reading her books and especially Left to Tell and telling others about it. The moment was hard to describe in words, but it was blessed. 

To Get Rid of and Gain

 I'm going to get rid of old mascara a friend gave me a couple years ago. I didn't like how it looked, easy to smear and droopy on the eye lashes. It feels worn out and dull. 

I'm doing away with social media this week. Less noise, distraction, even comparison. Openness, appreciation, inspiration and pray and peace are what follows. 

I'm going to get rid of discouragement and negative thinking. Really about anything. Hope, trust, faith, and positive thinking transforms. 

I'm practicing washing my face. Something I do often. But last night, I used a honey typed face wash that looks like and feels like honey, golden and sweet-smelling goodness. It feels restorative and relaxing in this dry air and winter season. 

I'm practicing gratitude, and cultivating awareness in simple, everyday things like...

Having a warm cup of white chocolate mocha this morning (just a little since its really strong), looking at beautiful blooming Fushia roses, my dad asking how I am and giving each other a hug this morning, principal evaluation going better than expected, and receiving compliments on my green skirt as well as the pretty turquoise earrings my sister made that I'm wearing today. Listening to an interesting lesson from a DARE officer, and the kids were engaged. Going to adoration after work so close by. These are blessings and God's love and mercy I can easily miss. 

The Road That leads To the Ocean

 Driving those roads brings back fond memories. It's relaxing, slow paced and the cool, sea air lightens the mood. Everything is lush and green. With the cooler weather or the clear view down the quaint streets with the sparkling ocean in the background, this feels nothing like the East Bay. 

When my mom and I visited Half Moon Bay a few weeks ago, we walked more than usual. I almost didn't realize how everything is super close to each other. Walking slows down time but also helps with sense of direction. We went the roundabout way from the lunch spot we ate it (our favorite every time) to Our Lady of the Pillar church. There were still Christmas decorations up- how lovely! It's always so peaceful and such a gift to be there and pray for a little while. We found out that there is an adoration chapel they have now, but we weren't sure where it was. 

Driving to the beach has those fun memories like the time we bought Dunkin' Donuts to bring home just because. They've closed now:( Or enjoyed an ice cream treat at the Baskin Robbins a few times, (one time even for my birthday.) Thrift shopping with sisters and my mom many times and finding quality enough items that don't constitute as junk. :)

And passing by that Peets coffee that always looked so inviting. It's where we stopped while I was with a young adult ministry for a beach day about 2 years ago and we also got sandwiches for lunch at New Leaf next door. It's where I had a somewhat tangled and disjointed conversation in Mandarin Chinese with a young adult guy while we were on a way with the young adults back home from the beach. The wildflowers and greenery all faded to the background as I tried to muster up my knowledge of spoken Chinese while riding in a minivan with other catholic young adults, though it was only him and I were who speaking this foreign language, while everyone else was mildly listening. 

________________________________________________

The wind in your face, the sand sticking to your feet like glue, the bird watching while they glide and dance over the sheer blue water, and people watching- watching them walk their dogs, take photos, play with their children, play volleyball, frisbee or soccer, or simply looking out at the shimmering waters and horizon like we do. Nothing beats time with my mom when we go to this special place. 

January Blur

 The week of Martin Luther King Jr. felt like a different kind of week. The holiday always helps and switching up routines. I went to a thrift store to return some items and found a book of MLK's speeches that I got. Honestly, I wasn't feeling too ready for this week to start again. Something about last week was exhausting, and at times mentally numbing, and it felt rather long. The weekends can go by fast, and then it's back to the grind. 

But this week turned out to not be like the weeks prior, at all. I had anticipated all the ways I could make it better and more enjoyable by doing fun and inspirational things on the side. However, as I looked over that list last night (since I forgot what I actually wrote down) I realized I had hardly done any of them! And I knew why. 

This week was far better, easier, lighter load mentally because I had more space and time to pray. I created more time for that.  I went to Mass in the mornings which I hadn't done for a while and quit social media. These were game changers, and my mood was lifted. I could think clearly. I easily had more inspiration and motivation after work that didn't feel like it took hours to get. 

So, my inspiration list wasn't too successful, but it still can be used as I would like to do some things on there such as creative endeavors like painting or simple things. Not to mention to continue reading and maybe finishing a book or two. I learned that making room for silence and God's graces are paramount to any list but defiantly assist with it. I hope next can be similar. 

Found this photo- MLK memorial, July 2023 with nieces and nephew

You're Going to Be Okay

 I found this quote from my notebook, taken from a book I read last year, the year before, and am now currently starting again. It has great reminders, hopeful inspiration and encouraging words. That's why I love it and gravitate towards it, as well as her other books. 

"So I want to lean in and whisper to you, 'Dear sister, trust that there is more than you can see. Trust that what you're doing makes a difference. Trust that one day you will get to turn the chair around and see fully.' And I think God smiles with us as we sit with him at the table of life too." -Holly Gerth; You're Going to be Okay

__________________________________________________________________

I was thinking of my old classroom. The one that was small, had thin walls, had a sink, a view of the street and some trees, people's homes next door (but not of Mt. Diablo, which I had in my other classroom and loved the view). Everything about that environment was nothing like the one prior. 

I had a whiteboard behind my desk so I would take up the invitation to write on it- reminders, the day's date, a Russian word of the day for inspiration, etc. I had my own desk, a place for my things, and would come back to it throughout the day, and later a desktop computer that worked. 

My view wasn't of the street but of the classroom, of the other whiteboard that wasn't too large and the TV like projector screen. It was a plain classroom, so I decided to make posters to enhance the classroom look from dull to inviting and fun or at least interesting. I decorated these signs like 'You Matter' in inspiration from the coffee shop Journeys Coffee as well as relating to Physics which was the Special Ed class I was in. As well as science posters having to do with Chemistry, Biology and Physics with a saying on them, or a picture of a tree and quotes and names of scientists. 

I looked at these the whole year and it helped make the classroom look a little more vibrant. I didn't realize all the things I was doing and keeping everything together. From staying organized with all the to do's of students' tests and assignments, to helping facilitate the crazy, loud and usually uncontrolled Physics class, to giving lesson plan ideas to the teacher as a way for myself to stay motivated as well as inspired, to staying professional when everyone highly disliked the teacher and there was tons of gossip, division and animosity and just trying to stay positive and neutral about everything, to completing my school work and readings and assignments for my busy and full class load of my Masters program, to trying to stay healthy, active, inspired and spiritually enriched on the daily knowing very well I needed all the graces to put up with some hard students and an exhausting and soul sucking teacher, to put it bluntly.

I feel now I'm able to 'see more fully' like Gerth writes, especially after some time and now being at another school- the environment, the students, everything is totally different. I didn't realize what I would miss and how I would interpret all that I was doing, learning and even enjoying in the thick of it all.