Nothing Like Motherhood

 I can't help but think about a year ago, finishing out my program completely with my last class, assignments and blog post. I was at a Starbucks submitting my last pieces of writing, commenting- it all felt very surreal, somewhat bittersweet but also exciting. 

In that moment, my thoughts hadn't caught up yet. I knew Our Lady was watching over me, as I had finished on the feast day of Our Lady of Fatima. I had gotten sick, so couldn't finish out the last two days at my horrible job, but honestly, I felt it was God's protection. 

I'm also thinking about last week. But somehow, it feels like a blur in someways, and in others I'm just in awe. I'm in awe of motherhood and how much it takes energy wise, but also love, wisdom, planning, sacrifice, sacrifice, and some more sacrifice. These are just some of the words of how I can describe it. 

Last week, I was helping out with my sister's children. My mom and I were staying over and helping out while she was welcoming her baby boy. I realized the intensity of motherhood, the rewards, the giving, and the exhaustion in ways I haven't fully experienced before with my nieces and nephews. 

It was a gift to experience, and it put me in a whole other world and dimension. One so strong where I literally forgot about my outside life, it wasn't merely as important or busy. I would think of my dear sister and ask myself, how does she do it? Day after day? Now I can understand it better, the hard, the good, and enduring it throughout the day. The days can feel fast or long depending on various factors. I also thought of Our Lady and her motherhood to Jesus, and the different demands.

I felt blessed, the one where my niece and nephews feel comfortable with me, and comforting them in their time of pain, tiredness, tears, frustration, laughter, joy. My sweet nephew utterly distraught about hurting his small toe outside and comforting and consoling him to calm his cries and sobs down and talking him through it. Or when he woke up twice in 2 days in the middle of the early morning or night due to a nightmare. And in my exhaustion, just holding and rocking him and whispering comforting words, or saying a hail Mary or two. What sacrifice, but what beauty, to still a young child in their fears, and to know that God does the same for us. 

And holding and meeting my newest nephew for the first time was such a miracle, so special. He is so precious and adorable. There is just something so miraculous about holding a baby, a newborn. It feels as though time stops, and joy and wonder overflow. 

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I would hear the crickets in the dusk and nighttime. It felt like summer, the very hot days melting into the cool night sky. I could be still with my thoughts on the comfy couch if my sister and brother-in-law and where I would be sleeping each night. It was comfortable and I slept well. I wanted to write some of those nights, but I didn't have the mental capacity to sift through the day or describe, though I wanted to, not sure how to articulate. My inspiration was lower, but I would try again the next night. 

 But what I experienced was special, and looking back on the day felt bittersweet- another day over, even if it felt longer or quicker, we got through it, and to savor those precious moments and the intensity of some moments. A unique feeling all its own. I would read some books, do some Russian study for my language course, check my email. Another day was approaching, and I needed to be well rested, I thought, as I would hear the crickets singing outside the window. 

Taking Notice

 I was trying to focus and be in the present and look all around me and see beauty. Today, I noticed flowers. Something that may seem ordinary but so beautiful, especially in this blooming springtime. I think this noticing also comes with intentional noticing and gratitude. 

When our mind is preoccupied with many things, it's hard to see the good, and beautiful around us, no matter how simple. Gratitude comes in when we thank God for the wonderful gifts and blessings we have and immediately it shifts our mindset and focus to be more positive. 

That's what I was thinking of this morning, thanking God for making a way for me to work at a school again, with students, close to home and that big desire being met knowing I was meant to work here, even though it's been quite a challenging school year. 

Little things like this can really make a great start to the day. 

History class- Renaissance decor

Bright flowers on lunch break

Alter flowers after adoration

Crumbs From the Cake

 I was thinking about that time when I met up with my dear sister in February. It was President's Day, and it felt long overdue. I remember the morning to be kind of cloudy and gloomy. We went to a cake place, but also a cafe. I saw displays of these cakes and models of them on the wall. We also went to a nice brunch spot called 'Crumbs' a month later. We wanted to go there for a long time, but it was always crowded. 

It made me think, cakes are made up of crumbs. Life is made up of small moments. Friendship is made up of shared moments, laughter, vulnerability, conversation, time spent. And cakes are a symbol of celebration. It always feels like a celebration when we meetup, talk, share and are in one another's presence. 

Those cakes on the wall reminded me of goodness, joy, gratitude. In the moment, I didn't really feel like that as it was a challenging time and like a winter slump. 

I want to see more of the goodness around me and not just the crumbs that go by each day. 

Scripture and Gardens

 "So, you find in our Jesus a personality that's so unique. He acts the same way with you and me. When He doesn't answer our prayers, He lets us hunger a day. When He doesn't do what we desire, He lets us hunger a second day. And when we're dissatisfied with His will, He makes us wait a third day in hunger and thirst until the time comes when He decides He has to help us." - Mother Angelica

I was reading this book by Mother Angelica about the Bible and scripture. It was very eye opening, inspiring and enriching. It was a different way of looking at scripture, meditating, understanding and imagining. I 've learned that's what we have to do, imagine the scene as if you were there. 

I really like how Mother Angelica writes and asks these questions to ourselves and what we would be thinking and experiencing, forming this prayer, this closeness with Jesus, with the living word of God. 

I feel it's taken a back seat in my life. To be still, to really pray and be attentive to God's word. Somehow, the beginning of the Easter season you forget that it's the most beautiful, joyful, glorious time, or at least its aimed to be. That's where prayer and scripture come in, to go back into God's word, and more time -sifting through it. 

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I've been thinking of a garden. The vision of a garden came to me throughout Lent. When I would see flowers in a chapel, I would think of a garden and visiting Jesus among plants and flowers. 

When I was on a run sometime last week, I passed by a house that always reminds me of a garden. It has overflowed plants and some wildflowers in front, it looks unkept but mysterious. It has a gate that secures the walkway, definitely like a mysterious and glorious garden enclosed.

 I feel there are a number of scriptures that pertain to this.

And also relating to gardens, I hadn't realized or paid attention that Jesus was buried in a garden on Good Friday. I guess it makes sense since Mary Magdalen thought he was the gardener when she went to the tomb on Easter morning. 

And also, going back to the Garden of Eden where God formed Adam and Eve and the fall of humankind and then the Garden of Gethsemane where Jesus was in anguish and sweated blood on Holy Thursday. We can find God in a garden. St. Faustina in her diary mentions seeing Jesus while she is walking in a garden, so beautiful. Now with Easter joy, a garden of graces, and blessings, abundant with lilies. 

Easter Healing

 I was thinking the other day about Easter 2020. It was a crazy, scary, unpredictable time. Easter Sunday came and then that night, I had a huge bout of anxiety. I was so afraid, I couldn't sleep. I kept hearing sounds below my room that felt magnified in my fear and uncertainty, and my restless mind. I had really bad insomnia. Even the evening time would stir up anxiety, as I knew bedtime and nighttime were quickly approaching. 

It was not only exhausting, as I was barely getting any sleep during the nights, but also depressing, and discouraging. I felt so triggered, and it was hard to get out of it. That lasted for a month. I believe Our Lady healed me, as I felt so trapped and helpless. 

One of my sisters was praying for me, specifically to Our Lady of Good Health and mailed me a prayer for it. I think prayer and humor went very far to help and heal (the night I slept the most soundly and peacefully in weeks was when I watched the Disney movie Mulan and couldn't stop laughing). When I woke up that morning, I realized I had slept the whole night and truly felt healed. 

I think of that time and realize how much the enemy wanted me to focus not only on myself, but also on my fears, and anxiety to control me, lose my peace and bring me down, especially during the Easter season- a time of joy and hope! Easter is such a blessed and joyful time, and so many ways to make it so. Though those weeks felt intense and a never ending of severe insomnia, I see the power of God, and Our Lady to answer prayers and to heal.  

April 16th, A New Perspective

 I was driving to my test, and the thought of the date, April 15th came to mind. The date was actually April 16th as I was driving, but April 15th was looming over my head. Exactly a year ago on that day, I submitted and was working vigorously to finish my Masters program e-portfolio.

 It was a joyous day when I woke up the next day knowing it was all done, and I completed this humongous task even while feeling anxious, depressed, off with myself and nauseous at times, God, St. Joseph gave me all the strength and graces to finish strong and do it, despite the temptations at times to give up completely. 

April 16th felt like a light, a burden no longer carrying hard and heavy on my shoulders. It felt utterly surreal. On April 16th this year, I felt like I had come full circle, as I was taking a math exam that I had taken nearly 7 in a half years earlier and attempted to study and take again more than once throughout the years. 

It's been a goal of mine for a long while to complete and pass this test that sometimes feels like it becomes less blurry in the background and takes its spot in the forefront. That's what it felt like this time. It was the timing of it all, a year apart from fishing my big project, and now on to this one, this path, mission. It all was God's timing, and I felt proud of myself- look how far I've come, look what this school year has showed and taught me. Look at what God is doing as I was walking in the strong and vibrant spring sunshine, to find the testing center. It's in God's hands. 

Mary and the Tomb

 It's not yet Easter, but we were celebrating the coming of Jesus into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday. It's not yet Easter, but Lent feels like it's almost over but it's not over yet. 

Mary Magdalene visits the tomb, and it looks like Easter Sunday, but in the hit TV series, 'The Chosen', it's a foreshadowing, as she glances and looks more in depth into the tomb, the one that Lazarus rose from after the great and last miracle and sign of Jesus. I personally have loved the way they have detailed Mary Magdalen's story and journey in 'The Chosen', her spiritual growth and depth, her witness to faith, her battles, her courage.

I also love how The Chosen does this- foreshadowing, creative snapshots, interesting storytelling, characters arcs, as well as clever and captivating dialogue and scenes. I was drawn to this image of Mary, so I put it as my screen saver on my computer. It's a remembering of Jesus' resurrection, His great miracle, mercy, love and redemption but also, as a reminder I guess, to pay attention, to listen. 

Mary Magdalen was paying close attention and listening, and was even there during Christ's passion. She was awake and spiritually prepared. This what I see in this snapshot. And it's not Easter yet, so just a few short days and the Tridium coming soon to prepare and be spiritually awake. 

Two Gifts

 Yesterday I received two gifts. One was a bag my mom made and sewed with pretty floral material. She gave it to me without me knowing she made it and had me in my mind. It was nice, and pretty like I said. But I guess I didn't love it in the sense that I would use it. If I'm honest, it looked more like a little girl, something for my younger nieces. I mentioned that to my mom, and she said that was fine, no hurt feelings. 

I apologized again, and felt a bit bad that I didn't really embrace this gift, it just didn't really look like me. My mom said it was fine, but she felt that the colors and blend of the floral material looked more artsy and like Monet or Impressionism style and that's why she thought of me. I guess I could start seeing it too, and it didn't so much look like 'little girl' but rather beautiful, creative, artsy, and simple- my mom had me in mind, and I embraced the gift. 

The second gift, if you will, was when my mom was going through old photos and cards. She came across one of me and handed it to me- it was of my Junior year in High School. I was surprised I didn't flinch. I never liked this photo, and it was actually my least favorite yearbook photo and also interesting my least  favorite year in High School (it was by far my hardest year in many respects). But I actually came to like it. 

I never liked it since my face looked not so much tan but sunburnt- I couldn't really tell anymore. I didn't like my smile or my eyes in the photo, but now they just 'spoke me', little me at 17. I didn't love my hair, but I actually liked it with its blonde streaks and highlights, but mostly strawberry blonde look- I must say it was a gorgeous color that I never paid attention to. I felt my cheeks were bigger because of the sun streaked face, but again, it just looked like me with a year of JV high school basketball behind me, two years of French class, a year of being VP for the Students for Life club, 2 years with my sister and 2 years to come with my younger brother, and many, many bus rides still to go, and many behind me, not to mention waiting at the bus stop sometimes longer than usual, and a year ahead of loving my math class, not thriving being President of SFL club, navigating friendships, and missing my sister while she was in Italy, as well as my two other sisters who moved out within a span of a week. There was so much ahead, and I didn't even know. 

10 years later, I would be working at a High School, and happy to be staff and not a high school student anymore. It feels great to embrace all that awkwardness, self-doubt, and teenage growth in yourself years later and see it as a learning curve and a journey and just how precious all of it is. It was a gift to see that school photo again. And sometimes, after all these years later, I feel deep down I haven't really changed too much at all.

Annunciation

 Feast of the Annunciation today.  I didn't go to Mass, but already it felt like a better and more uplifting day than yesterday. This warm, spring weather and blossoming air really uplifts the spirit after the winter chill and rain. 

Today, I was thinking about Our Lady, who said yes to God's plan of her carrying in her womb the Savior of the world and becoming a mother to Him. I thought about her questioning, her willingness to do God's will and her joy in becoming pregnant with her own Lord and Savior.

 When I felt the sunshine on my face, and the tree blossoms, and a tree in the morning sunlight today, I thought also of the contrast with this beauty- Satan's interruption and hate for it. Since he already interrupted it once with Adam and Eve, this was God's divine plan and intervention. 

I thought of this contrast with the evil one, since a movie I've seen a couple of years ago titled, 'Mary of Nazareth' depicts Mary peacefully and joyfully in nature looking up at a tree, and around the corner of the tree is the snake lurking, not too soon before the angel Gabriel appears to her when she is back at her house.  I love the way Mary is so peaceful and content and is so willing and happy to say 'yes' to God's plan., even if she doesn't fully understand it. 

I feel this has already been a 'year of Mary' for me with daily rosaries, listening to rosary in a year, listening to Immaculee speak and share about her love for Mary and the rosary, purchasing and wearing Marian inspired jewelry created by my dear sister, consecration to Our Lady of Lourdes again this year. 

I only want to keep up devotion to Our Lady and emulate her love, joy, peace and trust in God's plan. 

It Started with Banana Pancakes

 It started with banana pancakes. This past Sunday, I made banana pancakes for breakfast using Ina Garten's recipe. It was fun to mix the ingredients, bake, and eat them. It was better than any ordinary (banana) pancake I must say, just as Garten states.

The week ended with attending a young adult event at a person's house and thinking I would meet only strangers, which I was happy to do, but I also saw a few familiar faces and had good conversations with them and the people I didn't know as well. People are craving connections, community, like mindedness and feeling a part of something. I feel this too...as I figure out my next steps and find purpose and meaning in my next chapter and line of work/career. 

But it was a breath of fresh air, spring blossoms and cool spring rain rising into my lungs as I entered that house last night. Bubbling with conversation, drinks and eating, and endless possibilities and hope. Hope that there are people out there, and that there are purposes and reasons for this dryness at times.

Dryness, emptiness. These words I read in the daily readings yesterday at Mass from the Old Testament with Joseph whose brothers tried to kill him since he was favored by his father and they were jealous of him. Sometimes I too can feel and experience this dryness like Joseph who was "stripped of the long tunic he had on; then they took him and threw him into the cistern, which was empty and dry" (Genesis 37). But then I know that there's a reason, a purpose, light at the end of the tunnel and hope. 

Unexpected Graces from Retreats

 I never would have expected to have gone on 3 retreats in 3 years. These weren't necessarily planned on my own accord, but rather just came about. 

The first one in 2023 was a spring retreat, after Easter but still during the Easter season. It was in mid-May right around Mother's Day. One of my sisters was helping plan it and invited other women (it was a women's silent retreat). I initially thought I couldn't go due to a lot of assignments and a busy time of year. But later, I felt an inspiration from the Holy Spirit to go, and everything did work out and was able to take some time off work and everything to make it happen. I'm so glad I did. 

I still remember this special and refreshing retreat, one which was so needed to get away from all the noise, and distractions. We were given small notebooks to take our notes in throughout the retreat, and I tried my best to take the notes from the priest's reflections and homily; he was a profound speaker. 

It was nice to be around other catholic women and cultivate this prayerful silence and listening to the reflections from the CFR priest and time spent in adoration, as well as opportunities for confession. My sister asked me to be a lector for one of the readings and though I was somewhat nervous, it was powerful to proclaim the word of God. 

The second retreat was at the end of 2024 for Confirmation. I was helping out with this weekend retreat for the Confirmation Year 2. I didn't realize or anticipate how much I needed to get away, in silence, in nature, beauty, outdoors and to be with the teens and get to know them a little more. There was preparation for this retreat, but I didn't expect that it would feel like a retreat for myself as well- so many graces, consolations, tears, gratitude, prayers. It was a trying time. 

The 3rd retreat was this year, just 2 weeks ago. I heard about it from my sister-in-law. It was the author and speaker, Immaculee Ilibagiza who spoke at a church. And luckily, it wasn't too far away, and I was able to make it work with my schedule. It was so beautiful to meet her in person, after reading her books a number of times. I used that small green notebook I used from the women's retreat to take notes on what she said. I never would have imagined having met her. It was a joyous and grace filled time.