What Happened on St. Pope John Paul II's Feast Day

 It was October 22. I knew what happened on this day last year. And I knew I had to talk to my class about the saint who's feast day it was, St. Pope John Paul II! 

Last year, I was in a hard place at a difficult school and environment. To help me create a little spiritual inspiration, I thought of a saint for each class period to help me pray to that saint and create more inspiration and prayer. For the first period class I was in, I chose St. Pope John Paul II to think of and intercede for me. Somehow, during the morning time while walking across campus, it always felt dull, dreary and uninspiring. I was mentally in a hard place transitioning to the school, and it didn't ever seem to get much better or easier. 

This feeling in the morning made me think of St. John Paul II working in unpleasant conditions during Nazi and Communist regime, him waking up in the early morning hours, the stillness, the prayerfulness, the suffering and sacrifice, and his small, loving family dwindling with sickness and death until it was only him. This sorrow in his early life, discernment, and deep prayer and spiritual life made it a little richer and easier for me. It created a sense of hope and purpose. 

One day, as I was walking across campus at the end of the day, I already was experiencing loneliness, with not a lot of people to connect with and talk to on a deeper level, yet desiring this, and noticing this ache, this gap. The person who I passed by at that moment was an employee I had seen before once or twice from a far. I wasn't sure if she was a teacher, but in my heart, I heard God say something like, I would become friends with her.

Just a few short weeks later, I heard that the teacher who taught in the first period class would be leaving for bereavement leave. She would be having a long-term sub for the rest of the school year, and the students would be meeting her tomorrow to get acquainted. 

The next day was October 22nd- the feast of St. Pope John Paul II and the long-term sub was the young woman I passed by that one day a few weeks ago. Her experience becoming a long-term sub teacher inspired me and gave me a sense of courage, realization and desire that maybe I could teach too. 

This year, for St. John Paul II's feast day, I told my students some stories and information about him for a few minutes. I even asked some questions to see what they may know. They were intrigued listening, right up until lunch time. I know he's been with me and interceded for me. He has done so much for the Catholic Church, our faith, and spiritual lives. I'm sure it won't be the last time I talk about him. 

Going Back to that Library

 It was my first time going back to that library after 2 years. I avoided it. I didn't want to relive unpleasant and difficult memories. When I was working as an intern there, I would deeply miss and crave helping students and working at a school. My heart longed for that once again. But no, I was here, stuck here- counting the weeks and hours like no tomorrow. Time would pass slowly, increasingly so. I would try to survive with prayers, offering up intentions, and forming my own inspiration for goals, ideas and books to read. 

While shelving children's books, I once saw a tutoring session happen in the quiet of the early Fall evening.  I was across the way, buried and burdened with putting away usually thin and one too many children's tales, adventures, animal stories, family and culture and all the rest of the categories I have long forgotten. I wish I could tutor again I thought in my head, hearing the session from across the way. 

So, last week was my first time coming back to that place- filled with memories of shelving books, not fully knowing what I was doing- but trying to look like I did, creating book display posters and doing the not so fun, meticulous task of finding the books in a squeaky, awkward cart. 

What's interesting is that I barely remember any of those memories now. They're not fresh and detailed in my brain like they used to or seem to matter as much as they did. They're locked up somewhere, with the key thrown away. Barely visible, barely important now, yet increasingly relevant and important to my story and what God has written. 

Last week I tutored there, and it felt so natural. I knew I was in the right place, doing what I've done for a while and what brings me life. Instead of shelving, organizing and displaying books with what sometimes felt like many eyes watching in the quiet sphere of the small library, I was reading words, reading books and stories with a girl whom I was tutoring. It all felt right. 

Rain and Picture Day

 It was a rainy day, but I liked it. It was a nice change from the heat, and it was really beginning to feel like Fall. The rain felt like God's grace pouring down as I needed it desperately. The day before was a mess and chaotic. I felt like I was hanging on by a thin thread, feeling discouraged, weighed down and stressed. I cried that night and didn't want to do anything but zone out and rest. I felt trapped in my own head of the intensity of a situation and demands.

That next morning, I felt totally different. I didn't even fully remember the day before. And it was school picture day. As I later saw my picture, I could tell maybe there was some sadness from the day before in my eyes. I also realized I looked a little older, comparing my other school photos. 

But with looking a little more mature comes only good things like growth, experience, wisdom that only God and life can bestow. I scrunched my hair as I took a shower that morning to start the day out fresh, and with long, wet hair, I'm not sure what to do with, especially on school picture day. Freshness, God's graces, a better attitude, and Fall rain were the components of that day. 

Sleeping on the Couch

 I slept so well on that couch. I would get ready for bed and read, learn Russian, pray, and then get settled into sleep with the backdrop of crickets and the peace and stillness of the night. I would think about what would be next for me. Where would my next job be? Where would I be teaching? How would it all work out, as there were only a few weeks left of the school year. That time in May was so busy and was in the thick of those few days helping out with my nephews and niece as my sister had her sweet baby boy. The rest of the month would have to go on until I would have something set in stone.

 It was August and school was almost starting. I woke up to the sounds of the house, niece babbling and walking around, nephews talking, playing, arguing, and my dear sister in the kitchen, baking, washing dishes, with baby in tow. I was visiting my sister and sleeping on my sister's couch again 3 months later and I remembered how I was feeling and going through at that time in May. There was still a lot to do and prepare for, but it was crazy to ponder upon all that had happened up until that point. From the questions and the unknown to the reality, busyness, a little uncertainty, yet also excitement of what was ahead. I truly felt like I was being prepared and equipped for it all. 

Teacher Life

I feel I've been in a mental fog. It can be hard to get out of it fully, as it takes time to decompress, rejuvenate and maybe even feel inspired. I've never fully known teacher life, only from a distance and sidelines, but one can't know it fully unless one does and experiences it for themselves. 

I've noticed how easy it is to feel overwhelmed, and preoccupied with so many things, to dos, figuring things out and learning as I go. It's an exciting time of growth, learning curves, busyness, and discernment. It's a time to feel stretched and maybe even at times uncomfortable or just merely exhausted, maybe discouraged and trying to keep things that are important for me still existing and lively. 

I hardly can even think about the past season- my job, my thoughts, struggles....though the times that I briefly do (even if a lot of it is a blur), it creates more gratitude for the season I am currently in. Discernment was huge last year and prayers were answered to be where I am now. I do remember feeling so bored, and mentally unstimulated which was challenging on the regular. 

I can't even think about a lot of things while in the classroom, there are so many things up front for my attention. Which in some ways is kind of nice- I'm busy, I'm serving, I'm thinking of others and doing important things, challenging things that require energy and a lot of patience.

Patience, this is something I want to work on. Generally, I believe I'm a pretty patient person but there are some (or many!) moments that really test me. I've been starting to think and realize Jesus is watching and seeing and loving me in those hard and exhausting moments. It helps to give me peace and encouragement. The days and moments where I feel that I am failing, I know I am doing my best. 

Today's Gospel reading and message was a wakeup call. Priorities, faith, prayer, relationship with God, evangelizing, all things I need to work on, as this is a busy season and prayer is even more crucial and essential. Trying to stay off screens, phone use to lessen and instead focus on God's goodness, presence and provision when I feel like I'm just surviving. 

Holly and New Year Fruition

 Just 8 months ago, my dear sister and I met up and celebrated the new year together by going to Mass and a nice cafe spot we hadn't tried before. It was an inspiring, refreshing and enjoyable time. We sat inside initially, the holiday bustle was beginning mid-morning with people coming in for their coffee, with family and friends, or their dogs. Winter coats, scarves, boots were galore powdered like snow with winter chill, caffeine and hopes and dreams in that coffee shop. (I'm actually looking forward to layering up again come Fall/Winter!) 

Her and I sat against a wall with pinkish colorful decor, and it looked like cherries or holly on some painted parts of the wall. It was still the Christmas season, but this stood out to me. I remember some of our conversation- before we moved outside, was about teaching. I was already thinking about it, an inkling about it, a stirring about it during that new year season. 

I later researched about this Christmas plant holly, and though there are different hidden meanings and symbols, the ones that stood out to me were related to Jesus with the crowning of thorns and his blood, and hope as well as endurance during the winter, as it's a festive Christmas plant. I later noticed that one of my sister's Christmas cards had holly depicted on it as decor with family photos that I've had up this year. And I've kept the fake holly plant my dear sister intwined with her delicious homemade cranberry bread she made for Christmas. 

I guess symbolically, I've depicted this plant with a future teaching job/career and facing my unknowns and fears. There is always anticipation and hope starting the new year, and today, my dear sister and I met up at this same cafe. And now, 8 months later- I am living out this plan, vision, even dream- I am teaching! It's cool and quite amazing having an idea, a hope, a discernment come into fruition. 

Appreciating Plants

 Upon entering the store, I noticed how instantly I felt inspired, and uplifted. I guess I hadn't experienced that in a while.  For pretty much the whole school year, I felt I was merely surviving and low on inspiration, encouragement and feeling uplifted sometimes more than others. It felt dry and a desperation for something more, I don't know- more meaning, fruitfulness, engagement, purpose to put into words. 

I noticed at this craft store, I felt creative and hopeful again, with a vision and purpose. Even just being around ideas, possibilities of creating brought his about. While my mom was in the fabric section, I noticed how many plants and greenery there were. I took it all in, in small, calm breaths and I noticed how deeply I felt deprived of seeing plants, of greenery, of life. 

The school I had worked at had very little trees and plants and the ones that were there were mostly on the perimeter of the school. Though late in spring, I became aware of trees right outside the main classroom I was in each day, and plants and flowers blooming after the rainy season. It felt like a small ray of hope, and life amidst the dreariness and hard parts some days. 

Now I see it as a God theme- with dryness, a dry well, life, and greenery forging- my classroom now is full of life- with the theme being plants and greenery, and some real plants as well, to lively and active students. 

This season feels very different than the last. I appreciate it so much more because of the one I was in and felt like a very long, hard one. I was more prepared for this one, its blessings, lessons, and many graces, and the story that only God could write and provide. It feels like entering into that craft store at the beginning of summer, everything in full bloom. 

Making It My Own

 I thought about this photo. When I first saw, it I didn't like it. It seemed random, unposed and not sure the motion with my hands. 

But that night was special, it had twinge of feeling interesting, formal, and youthful. I saw some familiar faces from afar and met some new ones. But I knew I would play to the beat of my own drum, therefore dancing when and for how long I wanted to dance, and not let the gals I went with influence if they weren't up for dancing. Honestly, that was the most enjoyable and memorable part (besides getting ready beforehand :)). 

I didn't care about sipping drinks and wine or looking like I was by holding a silver champagne glass. The photo booth was fun and fine, though it felt more meaningful with close friends or significant others, which I didn't have either of. So dancing was the best option, despite the sweat. 

The food was delicious too. Really rich and homemade lasagna that was classy (besides not having knives), and that tiramisu for dessert was mouthwatering and delectable. 

Now I like the photo of me, a quick snapshot- as there were photographers throughout the night. Now it makes me think of the enjoyable parts, getting ready and all dressed up, eating nice food, dancing, photos and mostly being true to myself, even if I wished I had a close friend or sister nearby to share it with. I made it my own. 

Notebook Writings

 As I looked out the window from the first period classroom, I would often get lost in thought. I wouldn't be busy, productive or merely super helpful, just passively so. A student here or there to talk to, to ask some questions of and walk around the classroom for the 10th time in 5 minutes it felt. There wasn't anything inspiring about that teacher's classroom for me besides the great view from the window in the morning.

The classroom was on the lower level, so no great heights or views, but looking out during the morning was a pretty and refreshing sight. There were lots of trees (not many trees inside the campus), the grass was dewy and the sunlight stroked the grass and pavement at a gentle and lovely angle. I wrote a little about nature in my notebook that I kept with me throughout the day, in case I had inspiring thoughts to jot down, reminders, lists to create, or also just to look somewhat busy. :0

Describing a rainy, wet morning

The soggy leaves drip with clear, cold dew, dripping with anticipation for the new day. The air is moist, fresh like New Year's Day, nothing can scorch it. There's a flavor that is hard to describe, it's full of new life, spring and bloom. The mornings are darker, but the evenings are filled with light. The day doesn't want to end, and the clouds and sun take the center stage. March can be peculiar with its heavy rain and wind, on the flip side there's heat, blue skies and roses, tulips and daffodils sprouting on the other side of the green grass. It's a special time. 

Hospitality

 I've been thinking about hospitality a lot recently. Last week's gospel reading spoke to me quite profoundly regarding hospitality and service among other important topics too like contemplative prayer, our God given gifts, and relationship with God.

Martha was comfortable enough to share how upset she was by voicing her frustration to Jesus in front of her sister Mary. She must have had a close relationship with Our Lord and have her sister know about it too. The main message to take away isn't so much to not be a doer like Martha, but to put into prayer what you are doing, create a deeper meaning with it. It's not solely actions but a conversation or prayer throughout with God.  It took me sometime to fully grasp and understand this gospel message.

This is important as it relates back to her sister, Mary who sits at Jesus' feet listening and soaking in his words. It also highlights Our Lady, who is connected with her son and in tune with his message and voice. 

This month of July has been pretty full and busy. I haven't had so much hosting, hospitality and service going on for nearly as long before, or at least in a long while. Let me say, it really stretches, grows and humbles you. It makes you think less of yourself, question a lot of things about your own vices- selfishness and self-centeredness and put them in God's hands more willingly. 

It can stretch you like a rubber band and invite you to plead for God's grace to intervene when the hard and exhausting parts come. It humbles you to ask for more cheerfulness and charity in your heart. I don't think you learn so much as hospitality; there's just something about service and hosting that pulls that not so good out of you like the wheat versus the weeds.

Between a big family reunion, my sister sick in the ER then hospital, helping take care of her two precious daughters alongside my parents, her husband and a few other family members who were still in town- it was a lot. I felt like I and we were carrying the other side of the cross that my sister was. A unique cross for an inopportune time, but fortunate enough to have more family around. The stress wasn't nearly as intense, and God knew what we could handle and juggle, even in the unknown. 

I look to my parents as great examples of hospitality, charity and forgoing their own wants for serving and helping the family's needs. That can be very hard to do, but its admirable and necessary. I need to be better at this, even in the exhaustion or feeling that things are on hold. I knew God was in control and would and (did!) give me all the graces to continue. 

This gospel message put things into light and just what I needed to hear, learn from and pray with.

St. Martha, Mary and Lazarus, pray for us (feast day July 29) 

Eating a Pickle

 This was my lunch on my birthday. And I ate the pickle. 

I actually never eat pickles and don't really like or prefer them. The only way I've actually eaten them is when they're sliced in a hamburger or sandwich perhaps.

I felt that eating a pickle is a good symbol for fortitude (my word for the year!) I guess eating a pickle can symbolize hope (like being in a pickle) but seeing a way forward. 

And with my tulip pants, and the quietish and special time of eating a (free) lunch with a gift card I hadn't used in a year, it was meaningful. With an extra birthday cookie in tow, I would save the sweetness for later. 

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3 things that stuck with me during my excursion:

1) It felt like I was having coffee with Jesus (well, not really, by with the empty seat across from me, I happily imagined for a moment Jesus there, and being with me at the start of 33rd year)

2) And with Panera bread, you know, it's like breaking bread together ;) 

3) And when I went to buy walking shoes at the mall, representing walking, following in His footsteps. How meaningful :)