St. Clare Mission

There's something beautiful, awe inspiring, breathtaking to visit a mission church. I had particularly wanted to visit this mission, St. Clare of Assisi for a few years, but somehow getting sick, rainy winter weather deterred the plan during one of my breaks and I forgot about it. However, it was still something I wanted to do and see at some point. My parents and I made the trip an excursion of historical sites as well as my dad grew up close to that area. It was special to visit my dad's parents grave site, and for the month of November. 

Going to St. Clare's Mission church was very nice. It is nicely kept up and renovated, elegant and with beautiful scenery- a water fountain, rose garden and on the heart of the Santa Clara University campus. What a joy and gift to have a mission and Jesus present right in the center of the campus.

Visting this beautiful mission and lush campus with nicely kept lawns, roses and flowers, and refreshing greenery made me want to learn more about St. Clare of Assisi. I remember reading a book about her a couple of years ago and want to find and read it again. It said in a pamphlet that it's the first Mission church named after a woman saint. 

It's always so interesting seeing inside a Mission and the intricacies, images, paintings, statues and also comparing it to other missions.  Immediately, I noticed it was a much bigger and longer church than other ones I've seen. I really liked the prayerful and sorrowful statue image of Jesus crucified, it looked more realistic and so much to ponder on and pray with. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. 'You did that for me, how can I not suffer for you- knowing you are with me, in this torturing and painful depiction on the cross.'

Relic of St. Bernadette

 I recently was thinking of St. Bernadette. I found a book to read about her that is even an easy read for older children. I found a prayer card dedicated to Our Lady of Lourdes in the church and started praying it for intentions.

 As I was reading through and looking through my quote and spiritual binder, I felt encouraged and inspired. I looked through the folder part with some loose paper and found a talk I wrote for high school confirmation students about fortitude and included St. Bernadette in my talk and found more information about her that the confirmation director gave to help with the talk. Fortitude happens to be my word for the year. 

I had realized that today I had planned to visit the relic of St. Bernadette. And I came to found that I had a devotion to her, though only knowing bits and pieces of her and her life. I really like Our Lady of Lourdes and often stop to pray and contemplate if I see a statue of her. I did the consecration to our Lady- 33 days to Morning Glory on Our Lady of Lourdes feast day, February 11th. 

It's interesting seeing a relic (I think 1st class), as there's not a lot of time, but also sometimes pressure or not sure what to pray, how to adore this sacred object. I remember kneeling before a first-class relic of St. Carlo Acutis with high school confirmation students 2 years ago, and it was so moving and powerful. 

With St. Bernadette's, I had a simple prayer in my mind and heart and touched my rosary bracelet from my dear sister that I wear everyday to the relic. I thought of St. Bernadette's simple demeanor and childlike optimism, strength, virtue and trust. 

According to the pamphlet I have, she only lived until she was 35.

Like I wrote, I love Our Lady of Lourdes and want to have a devotion to St. Bernadette as well. I think this is just the start. 

Taking a Coffee Break

 Entering into that cafe again filled my mind with memories like butterflies taking up the sky with their colorful flutters. That time of being stressed, overwhelmed, uncertain and anxious reentered that space for a bit. Spring rain, and cloudy weather interspersed with sunshine, blooms and later sunsets was once that time period, just roughly and a year in a half ago. 

When I would take a coffee break halfway through my work or going there for a bit before my work had helped since it was anxiety inducing, soul sucking and a small workplace. Those days, I felt like I was just getting by and surviving amidst the anxiety from a coworker, and stress and uncertainty and overwhelm with my master's program. 

That little cafe- with its coffee, treats (Croissants and Cheese Danish being my favorite) and ambiance was a nice break away from the storm. One time I went there before work, and instead of doing my assignments and writing, I desperately wanted to study language and do my own endeavors that felt more mentally relaxing and freeing. That time was a mental hurdle, to keep going, striving, and persevering.

Visiting there with my sister and nephew recently was special. It brought back that hard time, but also all the blessings- of having my sister as my dear friend and her support, all the graces and blessings I've received, and all the way God has helped me and has continued to unfold since then. This journey I've been on has had meaning and purpose. It makes more sense now, to be where I am now, as a teacher, working with students and really listening to the God given desire and gift I had once put off to the side. 

Freeing

 I've never felt freer that day. Though I was rushing and only realized until I was driving on the freeway that I didn't have my phone, I knew I would survive, but admittedly it felt odd to not look for something in my purse and check the time every so often or for updates. However, as the day progressed, I never felt freer. I didn't have to think about or focus so much on a screen, an extra distraction and reminder taking away oftentimes of living in the present, and of staying attentive to all the beautiful and good around me. 

It was a freedom I've never actually experienced, since I've never forgotten my phone before. Quite honestly, it's a freedom I haven't recalled since perhaps not having a phone or at least a smart phone 10 or more years ago. I thought perhaps I would have many things that I would need to check or missed once I got home, but rather the contrary and that made me think even more so about always having a phone tied to you.

Yesterday, I chose to turn off my phone which lasted for most of the day. I knew this would help me immensely with focusing on the things I need to get done and it did help me a lot on staying productive. It also quickly made me forget about it and just focus on the present.

While driving in the car, my phone was still turned off, and I didn't turn on the radio. Though it was tempting at times, it helped me to stay focused on the present moment, the beautiful Fall lighting, memories, thoughts and the golden leaves on the trees. 

What Happened on St. Pope John Paul II's Feast Day

 It was October 22. I knew what happened on this day last year. And I knew I had to talk to my class about the saint who's feast day it was, St. Pope John Paul II! 

Last year, I was in a hard place at a difficult school and environment. To help me create a little spiritual inspiration, I thought of a saint for each class period to help me pray to that saint and create more inspiration and prayer. For the first period class I was in, I chose St. Pope John Paul II to think of and intercede for me. Somehow, during the morning time while walking across campus, it always felt dull, dreary and uninspiring. I was mentally in a hard place transitioning to the school, and it didn't ever seem to get much better or easier. 

This feeling in the morning made me think of St. John Paul II working in unpleasant conditions during Nazi and Communist regime, him waking up in the early morning hours, the stillness, the prayerfulness, the suffering and sacrifice, and his small, loving family dwindling with sickness and death until it was only him. This sorrow in his early life, discernment, and deep prayer and spiritual life made it a little richer and easier for me. It created a sense of hope and purpose. 

One day, as I was walking across campus at the end of the day, I already was experiencing loneliness, with not a lot of people to connect with and talk to on a deeper level, yet desiring this, and noticing this ache, this gap. The person who I passed by at that moment was an employee I had seen before once or twice from a far. I wasn't sure if she was a teacher, but in my heart, I heard God say something like, I would become friends with her.

Just a few short weeks later, I heard that the teacher who taught in the first period class would be leaving for bereavement leave. She would be having a long-term sub for the rest of the school year, and the students would be meeting her tomorrow to get acquainted. 

The next day was October 22nd- the feast of St. Pope John Paul II and the long-term sub was the young woman I passed by that one day a few weeks ago. Her experience becoming a long-term sub teacher inspired me and gave me a sense of courage, realization and desire that maybe I could teach too. 

This year, for St. John Paul II's feast day, I told my students some stories and information about him for a few minutes. I even asked some questions to see what they may know. They were intrigued listening, right up until lunch time. I know he's been with me and interceded for me. He has done so much for the Catholic Church, our faith, and spiritual lives. I'm sure it won't be the last time I talk about him. 

Going Back to that Library

 It was my first time going back to that library after 2 years. I avoided it. I didn't want to relive unpleasant and difficult memories. When I was working as an intern there, I would deeply miss and crave helping students and working at a school. My heart longed for that once again. But no, I was here, stuck here- counting the weeks and hours like no tomorrow. Time would pass slowly, increasingly so. I would try to survive with prayers, offering up intentions, and forming my own inspiration for goals, ideas and books to read. 

While shelving children's books, I once saw a tutoring session happen in the quiet of the early Fall evening.  I was across the way, buried and burdened with putting away usually thin and one too many children's tales, adventures, animal stories, family and culture and all the rest of the categories I have long forgotten. I wish I could tutor again I thought in my head, hearing the session from across the way. 

So, last week was my first time coming back to that place- filled with memories of shelving books, not fully knowing what I was doing- but trying to look like I did, creating book display posters and doing the not so fun, meticulous task of finding the books in a squeaky, awkward cart. 

What's interesting is that I barely remember any of those memories now. They're not fresh and detailed in my brain like they used to or seem to matter as much as they did. They're locked up somewhere, with the key thrown away. Barely visible, barely important now, yet increasingly relevant and important to my story and what God has written. 

Last week I tutored there, and it felt so natural. I knew I was in the right place, doing what I've done for a while and what brings me life. Instead of shelving, organizing and displaying books with what sometimes felt like many eyes watching in the quiet sphere of the small library, I was reading words, reading books and stories with a girl whom I was tutoring. It all felt right. 

Rain and Picture Day

 It was a rainy day, but I liked it. It was a nice change from the heat, and it was really beginning to feel like Fall. The rain felt like God's grace pouring down as I needed it desperately. The day before was a mess and chaotic. I felt like I was hanging on by a thin thread, feeling discouraged, weighed down and stressed. I cried that night and didn't want to do anything but zone out and rest. I felt trapped in my own head of the intensity of a situation and demands.

That next morning, I felt totally different. I didn't even fully remember the day before. And it was school picture day. As I later saw my picture, I could tell maybe there was some sadness from the day before in my eyes. I also realized I looked a little older, comparing my other school photos. 

But with looking a little more mature comes only good things like growth, experience, wisdom that only God and life can bestow. I scrunched my hair as I took a shower that morning to start the day out fresh, and with long, wet hair, I'm not sure what to do with, especially on school picture day. Freshness, God's graces, a better attitude, and Fall rain were the components of that day. 

Sleeping on the Couch

 I slept so well on that couch. I would get ready for bed and read, learn Russian, pray, and then get settled into sleep with the backdrop of crickets and the peace and stillness of the night. I would think about what would be next for me. Where would my next job be? Where would I be teaching? How would it all work out, as there were only a few weeks left of the school year. That time in May was so busy and was in the thick of those few days helping out with my nephews and niece as my sister had her sweet baby boy. The rest of the month would have to go on until I would have something set in stone.

 It was August and school was almost starting. I woke up to the sounds of the house, niece babbling and walking around, nephews talking, playing, arguing, and my dear sister in the kitchen, baking, washing dishes, with baby in tow. I was visiting my sister and sleeping on my sister's couch again 3 months later and I remembered how I was feeling and going through at that time in May. There was still a lot to do and prepare for, but it was crazy to ponder upon all that had happened up until that point. From the questions and the unknown to the reality, busyness, a little uncertainty, yet also excitement of what was ahead. I truly felt like I was being prepared and equipped for it all. 

Teacher Life

I feel I've been in a mental fog. It can be hard to get out of it fully, as it takes time to decompress, rejuvenate and maybe even feel inspired. I've never fully known teacher life, only from a distance and sidelines, but one can't know it fully unless one does and experiences it for themselves. 

I've noticed how easy it is to feel overwhelmed, and preoccupied with so many things, to dos, figuring things out and learning as I go. It's an exciting time of growth, learning curves, busyness, and discernment. It's a time to feel stretched and maybe even at times uncomfortable or just merely exhausted, maybe discouraged and trying to keep things that are important for me still existing and lively. 

I hardly can even think about the past season- my job, my thoughts, struggles....though the times that I briefly do (even if a lot of it is a blur), it creates more gratitude for the season I am currently in. Discernment was huge last year and prayers were answered to be where I am now. I do remember feeling so bored, and mentally unstimulated which was challenging on the regular. 

I can't even think about a lot of things while in the classroom, there are so many things up front for my attention. Which in some ways is kind of nice- I'm busy, I'm serving, I'm thinking of others and doing important things, challenging things that require energy and a lot of patience.

Patience, this is something I want to work on. Generally, I believe I'm a pretty patient person but there are some (or many!) moments that really test me. I've been starting to think and realize Jesus is watching and seeing and loving me in those hard and exhausting moments. It helps to give me peace and encouragement. The days and moments where I feel that I am failing, I know I am doing my best. 

Today's Gospel reading and message was a wakeup call. Priorities, faith, prayer, relationship with God, evangelizing, all things I need to work on, as this is a busy season and prayer is even more crucial and essential. Trying to stay off screens, phone use to lessen and instead focus on God's goodness, presence and provision when I feel like I'm just surviving. 

Holly and New Year Fruition

 Just 8 months ago, my dear sister and I met up and celebrated the new year together by going to Mass and a nice cafe spot we hadn't tried before. It was an inspiring, refreshing and enjoyable time. We sat inside initially, the holiday bustle was beginning mid-morning with people coming in for their coffee, with family and friends, or their dogs. Winter coats, scarves, boots were galore powdered like snow with winter chill, caffeine and hopes and dreams in that coffee shop. (I'm actually looking forward to layering up again come Fall/Winter!) 

Her and I sat against a wall with pinkish colorful decor, and it looked like cherries or holly on some painted parts of the wall. It was still the Christmas season, but this stood out to me. I remember some of our conversation- before we moved outside, was about teaching. I was already thinking about it, an inkling about it, a stirring about it during that new year season. 

I later researched about this Christmas plant holly, and though there are different hidden meanings and symbols, the ones that stood out to me were related to Jesus with the crowning of thorns and his blood, and hope as well as endurance during the winter, as it's a festive Christmas plant. I later noticed that one of my sister's Christmas cards had holly depicted on it as decor with family photos that I've had up this year. And I've kept the fake holly plant my dear sister intwined with her delicious homemade cranberry bread she made for Christmas. 

I guess symbolically, I've depicted this plant with a future teaching job/career and facing my unknowns and fears. There is always anticipation and hope starting the new year, and today, my dear sister and I met up at this same cafe. And now, 8 months later- I am living out this plan, vision, even dream- I am teaching! It's cool and quite amazing having an idea, a hope, a discernment come into fruition. 

Appreciating Plants

 Upon entering the store, I noticed how instantly I felt inspired, and uplifted. I guess I hadn't experienced that in a while.  For pretty much the whole school year, I felt I was merely surviving and low on inspiration, encouragement and feeling uplifted sometimes more than others. It felt dry and a desperation for something more, I don't know- more meaning, fruitfulness, engagement, purpose to put into words. 

I noticed at this craft store, I felt creative and hopeful again, with a vision and purpose. Even just being around ideas, possibilities of creating brought his about. While my mom was in the fabric section, I noticed how many plants and greenery there were. I took it all in, in small, calm breaths and I noticed how deeply I felt deprived of seeing plants, of greenery, of life. 

The school I had worked at had very little trees and plants and the ones that were there were mostly on the perimeter of the school. Though late in spring, I became aware of trees right outside the main classroom I was in each day, and plants and flowers blooming after the rainy season. It felt like a small ray of hope, and life amidst the dreariness and hard parts some days. 

Now I see it as a God theme- with dryness, a dry well, life, and greenery forging- my classroom now is full of life- with the theme being plants and greenery, and some real plants as well, to lively and active students. 

This season feels very different than the last. I appreciate it so much more because of the one I was in and felt like a very long, hard one. I was more prepared for this one, its blessings, lessons, and many graces, and the story that only God could write and provide. It feels like entering into that craft store at the beginning of summer, everything in full bloom.