Remembering This Time in August

I remember a year ago- I find that to always be the case, remembering things well and vividly. I can remember what people said, what I wore, how I felt and some events that happened on that day. I can't fully control what I remember, but I think some of it has to do with how personal or emotional it was for me. Though a lot of what I remember is just plain random and I'm not sure what the depth or meaning behind it is for stocking it in my hippocampus in the first place.

Yesterday was an important and beautiful feast day, the Assumption of Mary. I love this day, focusing on Mary's life, qualities and her role in the church. Last year on August 15th, my dear sister had recently gotten married to my sweet brother-in-law and were off on their honeymoon in Honduras. I was very happy for them, but also sad that they were away during this time but as always, my dear sister and I were frequently in touch. On August 15th 2016, was also the day I started this blog. I named it Plum Tree but as you probably already know, changed it recently. A year ago today, August 16th was the first time I felt and experienced strong anxiety. I had never known this bizarre and awful trapped mind feeling, reality and experience before ,yet had heard and seen it from others. It was all from a strange, mysteriously evil aura and lingering person at one of my favorite places to look around in, study at, read, write and receive inspiration from. I no longer could do these things freely or independently because of this person and unfortunate situation.

I should have known an encounter with this person wasn't at all for my own good, peace of mind or freedom. I suddenly felt stalked, enclosed in, misunderstood, and infatuated and obsessed with. Overall, as you can imagine, a very awful feeling. My anxiety throughout that whole week made me feel paranoid, like a prisoner in my own head, no appetite and feelings of depression. Unfortunately, my pride got the better of me and I didn't want to admit or even mention that I was anxious, I wanted to deal with it and solve it all on my own. Of course, it would have been beneficial for me to say something as being honest, and open to someone who can understand would be one of the best things. But no, I locked it inside of me which only really made it worse, like a boiling pot not handled with properly and the top cover not strong enough to keep the concoction in a safe place.

After a week of mental torture from this poison of anxiety, I knew that I had lost some weight, and for my body type, I can gain or loose weight fairly quickly. I also knew I had to do something about this thing that was taking over my freedom and inspiration. I tried to think of things that would inspire me such as going to a cute shop that I would always pass on my way home from school, as well as showing my sister around my nearby college campus. I tried to get out of myself, distract myself and try not to be idle or alone, Unfortunately also, I was alone a lot of that week and was only tutoring a few hours a week. I also felt like I couldn't go out of my house because of the paranoia and was essentially fearful. I'm not like this regularly, so I knew something was wrong.

What ultimately helped and cured this issue was to pray about it, talk openly about and not be in contact with this person or in the same vicinity. I knew that Mary was looking over me, but I needed to trust more in her rather than myself and my human limits. I now know how to better cure anxious moments and to never underestimate the power of others, their wisdom, love and support.

Finding My Own Space

I had no idea I would be in a job that I am in now. I never would have thought or imagined it because I simply thought I couldn't do it. I didn't have the energy, the confidence or perhaps even the interest in it. I put a limit to what I could do, and that was that- only searching for what I felt was reasonable, safe and good enough for me. The job that I have is working with children, in a classroom type setting and facilitating a classroom with academic packets. The thought of it sounded so scary and foreign to me, mainly because I never had experience like it before (being a teacher, and leading a whole classroom of grade school students.)

Right before I was to start this job (in early June), I was just about to have the onslaught of finals and graduate college. Not only was this a transition, but also getting back into working for a company which had been a while. For a year in a half I had freelance tutoring jobs which I really loved but I felt more like a starving artist and definitely needed more stimulation and activity in my schedule. I was excited to soon be graduating and finally be done with school and enter the work world and be able to make some money as well as experience. But I was scared and some what sad to end my routine of what I knew, of entering into a new space and leave my comfort zone behind. I had gotten into the rhythm of volunteering a couple times a week and filling up my time with things I loved and enjoyed- such as going to daily mass, watching cooking shows, studying Arabic, cooking, reading, running. Some days it didn't feel like I could get enough of it and at other times, I was so desperate to land a job and be busy and preoccupied with work, and service. I had mixed feelings about this job that I was about to enter into. I was joyfully leaving being a student and nervously and somewhat excitedly becoming a teacher figure. I had switched roles so fast and quickly, now I was on the other side of the classroom, and all of my days of being a student were behind me.

Tired teacher, and no more being a student!

I was happy and thankful to know that I could still volunteer on occasion, and still have a flexible schedule. I wasn't quite yet used to working part-time everyday, but overall it was good for me and much needed. I had to quickly get used to the non stop noise and loud volume in the halls as well as in my own classroom. I had to learn the names of all of my 28 students, and understand, handle and interact with 28 personalities. And I had to learn how to be more assertive, confront issues, reprimand, and even shout, get angry and discipline students. Fairly quickly, I learned about my students on a different level- their behavior, who they were friends with, their motivations and work ethic as well as their strengths and weaknesses.

What truly helped and inspired me was to start with a quote of the day. These quotes could usually be found in my dear and fully filled quote book. It would almost always be from a well known famous person, and we would dissect the quote, and I would ask my students what it means to them, and also learn something new about the author of the quote. It was nice because I could educate them about someone I knew a good amount about or cared about. This daily routine instilled in me that I have the power to inspire others, and teach them something new, even if it's just a simple quote. Most days my students were invested in it and they would be interested and intrigued by what I was saying or explaining. Some times my class clown would interject and make the whole class laugh. Then I knew it was time to change gears and start the academic time. I learned how to control this classroom, and I could tell they all liked me on some level and grew to respect me. I instigated table points and every two weeks the two winning tables would get prizes. Though it was a bit more work for me, with adding up points and being more aware of behavior and productivity, it created a space to be creative with how I went about it and to reward my students instead of focusing solely on negative behavior. I was surprised to witness that 5th graders still cared about table points and prizes- they mostly went for the candy!

There were some days where I would rapidly become mentally exhausted and drained. Hearing my students call my name so frequently and a few at the same time forced me to focus on the moment and take one situation at a time. To develop more patience and understanding and gain more mental stamina. To try to become more innovative and not let the environment take hold of me or negative energy poison the work day and think of the good and funny things that were amusing instead of the things that were ugly, annoying or monotonous. To try and smile more to my co-workers and students and know that I am a role model for them, even more so because they know that I am young. I learned that I can make a positive impact even if at times it doesn't feel like I'm making an ounce of it, but you never know who you are helping or influencing for the better.

I am grateful for this summer and this time of growth, learning and in all, new experiences!

A New Hello

I've wanted to write this for a while now, always in the back of my head and reflecting upon it. It's basically about the journey of undergrad- these past 3 years I've been at university and this summer that has brought me into a different place, a place that I've been waiting and longing for, for what had felt like months and months and more months.

I graduated from college in the middle of June with a leap in my steps, nothing but positivity in my mind and what felt like a running of emotions that wouldn't stop. I wore a dress that I didn't seem to have the guts to wear for a few months until I felt confident enough to bring it out and not care about what others think or my insecurities. You see, I hadn't really made any friends or lasting contacts at my university. I really felt that I became my own person, as well as my own best friend. I started to not care of judgement and literally did my own thing on that campus, whether that be study language in Starbucks, read an intriguing book that was much more interesting than my text, or try out a club just to try and connect and meet new people. I was alone for more than half of these 3 years and just because you are alone doesn't necessarily mean you are lonely, but for me, it definitely was lonesome. I was eager, desperate and always hoping to share a connection with someone, some way and possibly impossibly somehow.

My graduation day was an overly happy day. I couldn't believe the day that I would be done enduring the pain, loneliness and challenges would finally end, and another journey would finally begin. The months leading up to graduation day felt incredibly long, almost endless and it made me even more frustrated, disappointed and sad. I felt so ready to start becoming a young professional, and do what other young adults do after college- work, and try to figure things out along the way. I so wanted to start figuring out this 'post grad' world and or slump others had called it. I honestly didn't feel scared since most of my college experience was already hard all by itself, and I didn't really care what post grad would be like. I only knew that I was more than ready and ever more excited to finish college, finish papers that always seemed to hanging over my head like a big hammer, finish being around people who didn't really give me anything and who acted or were younger than me. To finally finish the commute to school which made me feel lonely and more isolated, with no one to share things with, music, ideas, inspiration or anything else that lifted my spirits and my creative juices. To finally finish my Chinese minor and all the busy work that progressed with each class, still had no connections there either, only my Chinese teacher- Lu Laoshi we would call her. She really liked me and believed in my strengths in the language yet she sometimes put a lot of pressure on me to keep exceeding and what felt like to me to show off her 'prize student'. To finish calling myself a student and feeling young, almost younger than myself would call myself. I wanted to fit into this category called young adult that also coexisted with young professional. And finish explaining my major or what I would do with it every time I introduced myself as a college student.

I had various emotions on graduation day. My family was there with me to support me on this journey and I couldn't have been more grateful that they came. I never felt that I had the connections, friends or community that I wanted while there, for whatever reason. But being with those special family members gave me a pulsating feeling in my being that my time here was finally finished, completed, over and feeling their love, support and presence was in itself my reward and all the things I deeply felt, experienced and endured at this campus would stay here and I would start another journey somewhere else.