Remembering This Time in August

I remember a year ago- I find that to always be the case, remembering things well and vividly. I can remember what people said, what I wore, how I felt and some events that happened on that day. I can't fully control what I remember, but I think some of it has to do with how personal or emotional it was for me. Though a lot of what I remember is just plain random and I'm not sure what the depth or meaning behind it is for stocking it in my hippocampus in the first place.

Yesterday was an important and beautiful feast day, the Assumption of Mary. I love this day, focusing on Mary's life, qualities and her role in the church. Last year on August 15th, my dear sister had recently gotten married to my sweet brother-in-law and were off on their honeymoon in Honduras. I was very happy for them, but also sad that they were away during this time but as always, my dear sister and I were frequently in touch. On August 15th 2016, was also the day I started this blog. I named it Plum Tree but as you probably already know, changed it recently. A year ago today, August 16th was the first time I felt and experienced strong anxiety. I had never known this bizarre and awful trapped mind feeling, reality and experience before ,yet had heard and seen it from others. It was all from a strange, mysteriously evil aura and lingering person at one of my favorite places to look around in, study at, read, write and receive inspiration from. I no longer could do these things freely or independently because of this person and unfortunate situation.

I should have known an encounter with this person wasn't at all for my own good, peace of mind or freedom. I suddenly felt stalked, enclosed in, misunderstood, and infatuated and obsessed with. Overall, as you can imagine, a very awful feeling. My anxiety throughout that whole week made me feel paranoid, like a prisoner in my own head, no appetite and feelings of depression. Unfortunately, my pride got the better of me and I didn't want to admit or even mention that I was anxious, I wanted to deal with it and solve it all on my own. Of course, it would have been beneficial for me to say something as being honest, and open to someone who can understand would be one of the best things. But no, I locked it inside of me which only really made it worse, like a boiling pot not handled with properly and the top cover not strong enough to keep the concoction in a safe place.

After a week of mental torture from this poison of anxiety, I knew that I had lost some weight, and for my body type, I can gain or loose weight fairly quickly. I also knew I had to do something about this thing that was taking over my freedom and inspiration. I tried to think of things that would inspire me such as going to a cute shop that I would always pass on my way home from school, as well as showing my sister around my nearby college campus. I tried to get out of myself, distract myself and try not to be idle or alone, Unfortunately also, I was alone a lot of that week and was only tutoring a few hours a week. I also felt like I couldn't go out of my house because of the paranoia and was essentially fearful. I'm not like this regularly, so I knew something was wrong.

What ultimately helped and cured this issue was to pray about it, talk openly about and not be in contact with this person or in the same vicinity. I knew that Mary was looking over me, but I needed to trust more in her rather than myself and my human limits. I now know how to better cure anxious moments and to never underestimate the power of others, their wisdom, love and support.