Dear Eleanor

Upon reflecting on my latest post, it brought me some insight and other thoughts in relation to it.
I was eager and ready to go on this retreat that I had heard about through one of my sisters and knew I wanted to also go and experience it for myself. I chose a further location, driving wouldn't be quick and easy and flying although would be more direct..there wasn't a direct airport in the area, so traveling via plane would have to be planned out accordingly as well.

I wouldn't call myself the most adventurous type, however, I do like to think I'm fairly adventurous and have my times where I can be. But something about traveling alone to a new place doesn't usually excite me but rather stresses me out and can make me anxious. I knew I had a desire to go on this retreat, and had already carved out time for it as well as expense.

My dear mom offered to drive me there since it could possibly be cheaper, and maybe even more fun seeing sights along the way. However, I knew that wasn't the best option as it would be way more work, tiring and time spent. I knew that I couldn't take the easy way out and have my mom do the work for me. I had to fly on my own and figure it out from there and if it was meant to be, it would all turn out alright. I guess you call also say I don't love to fly and the thought of flying by myself can make me nervous, but I knew I had to face my fears, and the thought was worse than the reality.

Upon looking through my photos on my phone, I came across a recent picture of my classroom whiteboard that had a quote I had written at the beginning of Summer. The quote was from Eleanor Roosevelt, and the main idea from it struck me "you must do the thing you think you can not do." I had discussed things with my students only a few weeks prior, and right at this time those whose gave a little shock inside of me, and I knew what I had to do. If you are familiar with any other Eleanor Roosevelt quotes, you know that she has profound words of wisdom that can get you thinking, which I love. From that moment on, I had peace and everything did work out well in the end, I was able to get a ride from the airport to the retreat house with ease.

Letting Go

There are many songs that deal with the concept of letting go. Letting go of something, someone or even part of yourself, a memory or form of attachment. I think it's important to let go of something that may be weighing us down whether that be a material item or a person. In my life, I've had to let go of friendships that weren't good or helpful, let go of things that weren't working for me, and ultimately letting go of what I want and instead be vulnerable and open to what God wants of me.

I went on a retreat this Summer in beautiful Oceanside and like all retreats I've been on, the main thing that you are left to answer and think about is what is your goal, mission or prayer will be that you are to take away with. Throughout this retreat, we had personal small groups to go to and share things with and ultimately became somewhat vulnerable with them in a matter of a few days. While reflecting upon what my mantra, goal, or prayer that I would take from this retreat came to me fairly quickly and spoke to me just as easily. The words were 'letting go'. I had to think more about why I chose these words and why it gravitated towards me and connected with me. I think we all have times in our lives where we would like to be in control, and most times don't even realize that we are trying to possess this so called power. We want to pretend and play God, and think we know better and know ourselves better.

Letting go for me, meant to be open to what God has in store for me, more open to things I hadn't thought about, but also taking not just one but a couple of steps back and let Him take the wheel and me be the passenger enjoying the view, and trusting that this is the right path. Letting go of attachments that were difficult to let go of, but finding in His grace that it's all possible and part of His divine plan. To let go and appreciate all that I have, and that I really have a lot more than I realize, and to be more and more grateful for the journey and the experiences in them.

Although letting go can be challenging at times and feel foreign in nature, it's also liberating. As I've grown from this time since this retreat, I keep trusting in God, His divine plan and His grace to make letting go all the more beautiful, rewarding and meaningful.

Golden Transition

I have always loved this time of year, at the edge of Summer and on the cusp of Fall. This time of year is exciting because so many things will happen the rest of the year. This time is a season of transition, change and reflection, and I can feel it in the distant and not as direct sunlight, as well as the changing color of leaves. I always love to savor this time of year since it is still Summer but it also feels like Fall. I also know that the end of the year will be here before we know it, and it's hard to believe that 2017 is more than half way over.





I always like to embrace Fall, have new and inspiring ideas, and goals for myself. I made a list of things I would like to do this Fall that will keep me busy with creative ideas and projects. Here are a few:
Knit a scarf
Bake a cake
Write a(nother) short story
Create own stationary
Carve a pumpkin
Make pumpkin squash soup (or anything else pumpkin:))

I was feeling so down the last few weeks regarding my job. It got to me mentally that I couldn't take it anymore and no longer felt like I could thrive or survive there. I didn't want this job that felt like a death sentence to my sanity and inspiration make always feel bitter towards those closest to me, or even suck away precious time from the things I love to do, and especially my favorite season.

Now that I am back to freelance, and studying for tests, and figuring out the next steps in my post-grad journey, I feel that I have more peace and time to reflect, process and give time to the things and those I love. I always believe in following your intuition, and listening and following mine has always brought me to a better place. I know that listening to your intuition is a sign from God to fix something that isn't working.

I am looking forward to this ending of Summer, and the transition of Fall and all that is in it. Stay tuned for Fall endeavors:)

Searching for What's Right in Front of Me

I have missed writing on my blog and unfortunately due to internet issues, wasn't able to write anything, but I am glad to be back. I also unfortunately wrote a long, detailed and rather good post right before my internet connection vanished and deleted what I had wrote :/ But that's okay, because I'm back with another try at this blog post!

I was recently reminiscing about this past year, while still a student but desperately wanting to be done, yet being in that rather awkward and awful position of 'neither here nor there' as one of my sisters likes to put it. I didn't have a job except my freelance tutoring but wanted to give in other ways by simply finding a volunteer opportunity and start volunteering in my free time, which usually luckily but sometimes unluckily added up to be a lot of spare time on the clock- especially in the Summers.

Late Spring, early Summer 2016, I had the idea of volunteering at the library and being a language tutor. I had to wait a few months before the training would start but was overall excited to help adults in need with their reading and English language skills. I went through the training program and happily met other like minded people who were interested in helping fellow adult learners. A few days later, I would start back up at school again and quickly become busy with my studies and keeping my responsibilities under my toes, though they were surely keeping me on my toes! The idea of volunteering at the library ever so swiftly started to become an after thought. I already had 3 students I was tutoring on the side for profit, and felt ever so busy yet not fully stimulated. I had to put this idea of volunteering on hold for a few months. My anxiety came back again and knew that I wouldn't be capable of committing to this endeavor I thought would work. By the time the new year came, my word of starting this commitment crept up on me and I started to dread the thought of it. I listened to my gut, and instinct and decided to ex out the idea all together and find something else.

The Winter was a painful and lonely time. Looking back now, I can see a lot of good, growth and self-introspection. The bareness of the trees in Winter symbolized how I felt inside and where I was at that time. I had a desire to give in some way other than my very part-time job but didn't really now where, when or how. I kept on researching and tried not to let a door closed get to me and figured that another one would eventually open, hopefully. I had numerous ideas that kept me going and inspired and hopeful. My schedule already felt like a void, and very vacant and I was the one to make things happen for myself- I was doing everything to create even a little bit of inspiration for myself and honestly, it was an incredible amount of work and it often led me to despair and feeling frustrated.

I changed gears regarding language help since I was clearly already doing that in my current part-time job and wanted something different. During this time in Winter, I became inspired with medical books, medical memoirs..I'm not really sure why since the medical field is pretty much the worse career I could think for myself but maybe that's why I found it to be interesting to read and learn from! I read at least 4 medical related memoirs in January and was inspired from this. I knew I liked working and helping children and thought of volunteering at the Children's Hospital. To offer support and alleviate the pain of illness and give in some way gave me hope. There was a day where my idleness was so extreme, I literally didn't know what to do with myself and felt the weight of it take over my being. I remember it was Chinese New Year, and all I really did was make a video of grammar of the English language on YouTube. That night I was researching on what I could do as for a job, a volunteer opportunity, anything really! I even watched videos about the founder of Sseko designs (sandals) which made my creative juices come back to me for some time. That night, I also reached out and wrote an email expressing interest for volunteering at the Children's Hospital in Oakland. The training was still over a month away, but maybe I had something.

I finally finished sewing my own shirt with the help of my mom (this was around this time)

During that time I was also thinking about another organization to volunteer with, giving service to cancer patients (children), and revamping their bedroom, which would involve painting, heavy lifting and overall making it a fun, new and fresh environment for them once they came back from the hospital. I didn't get another answer back from this organization, so went back to the idea of the hospital. But later after further research and thinking, the requirements were too much, it was far- too far for me, and the paperwork to lead up to becoming a volunteer didn't reside well with me.

I kept this volunteering passion still in the back of mind, thinking what I could do. I went back to the drawing board and asked myself what do I really love to do, and makes me come alive. Though I like working with children, and language- I felt it wasn't a fit for me with volunteering at the time. The answer was actually food, cooking and service through that. Food, recipes and cooking gave me life and inspiration during this Winter and early Spring season. This was something that I could always go back to and it felt like me, and gave me a sense of purpose since I knew I could always find service, meaning and creative things through it!

My sister's friend came over for a visit and it just so happened that I was cooking dinner that night- an Indian Chicken recipe! Luckily, she thoroughly enjoyed it and found it to be delicious. I knew that my heart was in cooking and serving, feeding others. I tried to focus on this fact for myself to remain positive during this time of suffering.

I would always look at the food and cooking magazines at the library and write down recipes that I liked, and checkout cookbooks and browse the cooking memoir section. I would become excited picking out a recipe for dinner and getting the ingredients at the grocery store with my mom and helping her with the groceries. Although I was going through a deep difficult time inside, these things gave me hope, life and inspiration and made the gray cloud appear not to be that bad, since there was a glow of light behind it.

Dining at a Persian restaurant alongside my sister and brother-in-law, such delicious food!

In April, I had the idea of signing up for and taking a food and wine paring class at my local Junior College. Learning and working with food and wine kept up my spirits and I had something to look forward to come post graduation and throughout the Fall semester.

I realized that I wanted to serve food to people, in some way, shape or form. I was also interested in dealing with the elderly in some way since I was thinking of visiting a Senior, but that idea didn't have any action behind it. I saw an ad in a local magazine that there was a need for volunteers to help serve at the Sage Cafe, held at my local Senior Center. Looking upon this ad, something in me knew I was interested in volunteering there. I called the number and left a message regarding my interest and availability. I didn't hear anything back and was quickly disappointed. I soon forgot about it, and tried to put my focus on other things or another volunteer opportunity.

My sister suggested Open Heart Kitchen, and it hit me, hard, since I had never thought of that. I knew about this non-profit organization, yet it had been years since I volunteered there, back when one of my older sisters was a site director. It all clicked and I was eager, ready and excited to start volunteering! That same week when my sister suggested OHK, I said yes to a volunteering opportunity for the day with my brother's EMT class at his Junior College. I was to act out being an injured person and the students in the class had to correctly and properly diagnose you under pressure with lots of noise to distract them. I signed up to be a dead person, since that meant I wouldn't have to scream or act dramatic (true introvert/melancholy) since we had to do the same scene 7 times. Although I gave up half of my Saturday for my brother's medical class, it felt really rewarding to participate voluntarily and learn a thing or two about the medical field, meet my brother's classmates and other volunteers and be back at my Junior College. Something in me came alive, and I knew I had to get on board to volunteer!

My first day volunteering at my local Senior Center serving lunch to the seniors and clean up felt like home and instantly something in me was lifted. Upon signing up with this non-profit at this local site, the pieces came together, I would be volunteering at the Sage Cafe after all! I was thrilled and deeply grateful. All along this place of volunteer was right in front of me, since I had exercise dance classes there in the same room for 2 years! I had found my purpose of service that dealt with food, being in the kitchen and providing for older generations. I was heightened with inspiration and have kept going back to volunteer these few months since. I feel blessed to serve in this way and use my passion in my local community. It was and has been something that I needed to get outside myself, focus more on others and have an intimate space to call my own.

Serving at a Memorial Day lunch, with a live band!