Searching for What's Right in Front of Me

I have missed writing on my blog and unfortunately due to internet issues, wasn't able to write anything, but I am glad to be back. I also unfortunately wrote a long, detailed and rather good post right before my internet connection vanished and deleted what I had wrote :/ But that's okay, because I'm back with another try at this blog post!

I was recently reminiscing about this past year, while still a student but desperately wanting to be done, yet being in that rather awkward and awful position of 'neither here nor there' as one of my sisters likes to put it. I didn't have a job except my freelance tutoring but wanted to give in other ways by simply finding a volunteer opportunity and start volunteering in my free time, which usually luckily but sometimes unluckily added up to be a lot of spare time on the clock- especially in the Summers.

Late Spring, early Summer 2016, I had the idea of volunteering at the library and being a language tutor. I had to wait a few months before the training would start but was overall excited to help adults in need with their reading and English language skills. I went through the training program and happily met other like minded people who were interested in helping fellow adult learners. A few days later, I would start back up at school again and quickly become busy with my studies and keeping my responsibilities under my toes, though they were surely keeping me on my toes! The idea of volunteering at the library ever so swiftly started to become an after thought. I already had 3 students I was tutoring on the side for profit, and felt ever so busy yet not fully stimulated. I had to put this idea of volunteering on hold for a few months. My anxiety came back again and knew that I wouldn't be capable of committing to this endeavor I thought would work. By the time the new year came, my word of starting this commitment crept up on me and I started to dread the thought of it. I listened to my gut, and instinct and decided to ex out the idea all together and find something else.

The Winter was a painful and lonely time. Looking back now, I can see a lot of good, growth and self-introspection. The bareness of the trees in Winter symbolized how I felt inside and where I was at that time. I had a desire to give in some way other than my very part-time job but didn't really now where, when or how. I kept on researching and tried not to let a door closed get to me and figured that another one would eventually open, hopefully. I had numerous ideas that kept me going and inspired and hopeful. My schedule already felt like a void, and very vacant and I was the one to make things happen for myself- I was doing everything to create even a little bit of inspiration for myself and honestly, it was an incredible amount of work and it often led me to despair and feeling frustrated.

I changed gears regarding language help since I was clearly already doing that in my current part-time job and wanted something different. During this time in Winter, I became inspired with medical books, medical memoirs..I'm not really sure why since the medical field is pretty much the worse career I could think for myself but maybe that's why I found it to be interesting to read and learn from! I read at least 4 medical related memoirs in January and was inspired from this. I knew I liked working and helping children and thought of volunteering at the Children's Hospital. To offer support and alleviate the pain of illness and give in some way gave me hope. There was a day where my idleness was so extreme, I literally didn't know what to do with myself and felt the weight of it take over my being. I remember it was Chinese New Year, and all I really did was make a video of grammar of the English language on YouTube. That night I was researching on what I could do as for a job, a volunteer opportunity, anything really! I even watched videos about the founder of Sseko designs (sandals) which made my creative juices come back to me for some time. That night, I also reached out and wrote an email expressing interest for volunteering at the Children's Hospital in Oakland. The training was still over a month away, but maybe I had something.

I finally finished sewing my own shirt with the help of my mom (this was around this time)

During that time I was also thinking about another organization to volunteer with, giving service to cancer patients (children), and revamping their bedroom, which would involve painting, heavy lifting and overall making it a fun, new and fresh environment for them once they came back from the hospital. I didn't get another answer back from this organization, so went back to the idea of the hospital. But later after further research and thinking, the requirements were too much, it was far- too far for me, and the paperwork to lead up to becoming a volunteer didn't reside well with me.

I kept this volunteering passion still in the back of mind, thinking what I could do. I went back to the drawing board and asked myself what do I really love to do, and makes me come alive. Though I like working with children, and language- I felt it wasn't a fit for me with volunteering at the time. The answer was actually food, cooking and service through that. Food, recipes and cooking gave me life and inspiration during this Winter and early Spring season. This was something that I could always go back to and it felt like me, and gave me a sense of purpose since I knew I could always find service, meaning and creative things through it!

My sister's friend came over for a visit and it just so happened that I was cooking dinner that night- an Indian Chicken recipe! Luckily, she thoroughly enjoyed it and found it to be delicious. I knew that my heart was in cooking and serving, feeding others. I tried to focus on this fact for myself to remain positive during this time of suffering.

I would always look at the food and cooking magazines at the library and write down recipes that I liked, and checkout cookbooks and browse the cooking memoir section. I would become excited picking out a recipe for dinner and getting the ingredients at the grocery store with my mom and helping her with the groceries. Although I was going through a deep difficult time inside, these things gave me hope, life and inspiration and made the gray cloud appear not to be that bad, since there was a glow of light behind it.

Dining at a Persian restaurant alongside my sister and brother-in-law, such delicious food!

In April, I had the idea of signing up for and taking a food and wine paring class at my local Junior College. Learning and working with food and wine kept up my spirits and I had something to look forward to come post graduation and throughout the Fall semester.

I realized that I wanted to serve food to people, in some way, shape or form. I was also interested in dealing with the elderly in some way since I was thinking of visiting a Senior, but that idea didn't have any action behind it. I saw an ad in a local magazine that there was a need for volunteers to help serve at the Sage Cafe, held at my local Senior Center. Looking upon this ad, something in me knew I was interested in volunteering there. I called the number and left a message regarding my interest and availability. I didn't hear anything back and was quickly disappointed. I soon forgot about it, and tried to put my focus on other things or another volunteer opportunity.

My sister suggested Open Heart Kitchen, and it hit me, hard, since I had never thought of that. I knew about this non-profit organization, yet it had been years since I volunteered there, back when one of my older sisters was a site director. It all clicked and I was eager, ready and excited to start volunteering! That same week when my sister suggested OHK, I said yes to a volunteering opportunity for the day with my brother's EMT class at his Junior College. I was to act out being an injured person and the students in the class had to correctly and properly diagnose you under pressure with lots of noise to distract them. I signed up to be a dead person, since that meant I wouldn't have to scream or act dramatic (true introvert/melancholy) since we had to do the same scene 7 times. Although I gave up half of my Saturday for my brother's medical class, it felt really rewarding to participate voluntarily and learn a thing or two about the medical field, meet my brother's classmates and other volunteers and be back at my Junior College. Something in me came alive, and I knew I had to get on board to volunteer!

My first day volunteering at my local Senior Center serving lunch to the seniors and clean up felt like home and instantly something in me was lifted. Upon signing up with this non-profit at this local site, the pieces came together, I would be volunteering at the Sage Cafe after all! I was thrilled and deeply grateful. All along this place of volunteer was right in front of me, since I had exercise dance classes there in the same room for 2 years! I had found my purpose of service that dealt with food, being in the kitchen and providing for older generations. I was heightened with inspiration and have kept going back to volunteer these few months since. I feel blessed to serve in this way and use my passion in my local community. It was and has been something that I needed to get outside myself, focus more on others and have an intimate space to call my own.

Serving at a Memorial Day lunch, with a live band!