Unlike Any Other

 I can't help but end this year of 2020 with writing and reflection on here. It truly has been a year all its own, with various happenings or what felt like not at all, to changes and transitions that were unexpected, and to surprises all in between, with God's graces and hand guiding every step, moment and day with his mercy, love and provision. I look forward to what's ahead in 2021, yet also unsure of what to expect after a challenging year 2020 has been. But I also loom forward with continual hope, faith and trust that God knows what he's doing. 

I wanted to do a recap of the year, throughout the months and see all the blessings, beauty, gifts, graces amidst the ordinary, hard, mundane, joys and unknowns. 

January: 

It started out with going back to work, knowing full well the sudden and very tragic deaths of 3 High school students and 2 others who were severely injured. It was a solemn, melancholy and very sad way to start out the new year after a relaxing break. And I could read the student's faces, all full of tears, loss, despair and no words to fully express their hurts. 

I remember training up to the last moment for the Chocolate Run 5k with my sister, brother and his girlfriend. Early, early morning to rise and go to SF for the race. A chilly, and January dreariness that only sings of anticipation and possibilities for the year ahead! I was proud of myself for running almost all of the course and was remined how mental running truly is. 

I admit that it was a taste of how the rest of the year would look like, at least interiorly. The race would be a metaphor of staying strong in my faith through the tough times and unknowns. January was where all sorts of questions ran through my head of what's next in terms of my future, career, goals, vocation. So much written and revealed on my heart and I continue to trust in God. 

February:

It brought more discernments, but also room to grow and hope as in small ways things were being revealed. It was the month where we officially heard the diagnosis of Ignacio's heart condition, it was crushing, hard, scary and uncertain. There were also nice times like taking the jewelry class with my sweet sisters or reading good books like 'The 4 Loves' by C.S. Lewis, or '15 days of prayer with the Cure of Ars'. I was learning Hebrew, but was deciphering if I should continue do so. Babysitting Santiago and seeing the fish with him. And praying for dear Ignacio and all that was ahead. 

March:

This month was where everything shifted for everyone regarding the Coronavirus that was continued to spread. It was an epidemic that soon enough became a pandemic and it changed everything and the world we know it. Schools were closing, and I recall the last day of school with the students on the campus. It was a weird feeling, not sure what was ahead. There was hope and excitement with spring coming, yet the remainder of Lent was a bigger cross that all of us weren't necessarily ready to carry. 

It was an emotional time, with a favorite priest and spiritual director being transferred and with all the weighted unknown with COVID-19, the transferal didn't help at all. It was a difficult time to adjust and to be honest it took a couple months to actually adjust to that pastoral change. This was also a time to pursue a list of goals and to dos as I wasn't working and the break and the newness was nice, although of course shelter in place had its ups and downs. 

My sister and I went to Starbucks indoors on a rainy Sunday for the last time, and I have fond memories of that, us doing separate things together, her working on her credential work, and me writing in my journal, reading and reviewing Arabic. I wrote in my notebook, "I feel like I am processing a lot. This rainy and wet and cold weekend has made me think and reflect more..."

April:

The first thing that comes to mind is my sleep debt and insomnia. However, there were good things too. Easter was a beautiful time though different with no guests, and not a lot of plans. This month brought forth a lot of time for prayer, reflection, and time at the church. It didn't feel like a whole lot was happening with the world shut down, but the beautiful sunsets, runs, time with my dear sister and Santiago were highlights. I started to learn Russian to pursue another language and keep my mind occupied. I decorated pillowcases for fun and decorated for my niece's birthday. 

May:

This month brought about a new hope, with healing and peace in terms of my sleep. There was a deep sadness with my dear brother-in-law losing his dad. There was joy in receiving communion once again through communion service throughout the Easter season. There was continual exercise, studying of Russian, reading, and prayer. I was slowly starting to work again through tutoring online, and had an online 'date'. My brother came back to visit for the summer which was very hopeful for me. We celebrated my sweet sister's graduation of her credential, a new nephew was born!

June:

This month brought a lot of joy, change and a new schedule with my sweet nephew Santiago staying with us, and anticipating more information, and news regarding Ignacio's heart. It was a busy month, but brought a lot of good especially after many weeks of slow motion and not of a lot of activity. It was a time of preparation for service, generosity, and flexibility. From early mornings to full days, and being innovative with various places still closed. 

There was joy and deep gratitude for Masses to start up again as well as shops. My sister and I visited an old time friend with Santiago, and also visited Elisabeth and Salvador at their stay in Palo Alto. I had another online 'date', and new fears and concerns I was faced with, as well as discernments. I celebrated my birthday alongside my sweet nephew and God son Ignacio, as well as accompanied them on his passing the last day of the month. It was full month, bittersweet, exhausting, joyful, fun, challenging and beautiful. 

July:

It came with a sadness, a hard to describe feeling of all that had happened and it took some time to adjust back to a former schedule and reality. We missed Santiago staying with us as well as the sounds of his footsteps, cute sounds and evolving words. It felt like another still month for me, waiting, anticipating what was ahead, which required more hope and patience. Some fun activities included fruit picking, movie night, sister day. 

It was a hard and emotional month with Ignacio's funeral, and also watching my sister get ready for her move and transition to a new job, area, and experience. It was bittersweet, there was of course excitement and pride for her accomplishments but hard to watch it all, and miss it all. We had some ideas to do together like a walk/ run together at a favorite park, praying a pilgrimage together at a local church, and watercolor. 

August:

This month brought out hope with some new ideas to carve out. As I wrote in my journal, "August is here! It's a new month! And there's no time like the present and what better way to make some goals, ideas and inspiration for this new month." It was the month my sweet sister moved out and that came about various transitions, and melancholies throughout the Fall. A new discernment with my goals, ideas and was inspired to start studying French. I started up again with the new school year (online) and though it was different, it was very needed to be back to keep growing and having a set schedule. It was the start of the fires, lightning and smoke that made this year heavy in a new way. We celebrated my sister's birthday (early) at her new place. I met my dear sister's new kitten and remembered how it was to have a cat. Overall, it was a month full of the same place but new change and shifts, and a lot of growth!

September:

September is one of my favorite months, with the anticipation of Fall and the last few months of the year. I made a Fall list to continue to stay inspired and encouraged. I visited my sweet sister for Labor day weekend and it was so fun, special and memorable! Visited Rio Vista, and started to wake up early to attend early morning Mass, with the memories of my sister and I going, and the inspiration of St. Louis and St. Zelie Martin waking up early for Mass. I began to start planning for another short story in my free time, studied French, and reading books. Had a mini sister gathering with a nice walk and Cheesecake Factory and playful with the cat. And nice, quality time over coffee with Elisabeth and fun times with Santiago. More discernments on what was ahead for me, and trying to enjoy the simple, predicable and learning curves. 

October:

It came with new reflection, prayer, discernment and frustrations. There were still interior transitions, and a sense of something more to pursue. As I wrote in my notebook, "I feel that there is something more...more of me to do, and more what you are calling me to do. To put it simply, I desire more! And I feel a sense of calling of something more but what could it be?..."

There were precious times at the pumpkin patch with my mom, Elisabeth, and Santiago as well as Apple Hill. Of appreciating what life was giving me, and enjoying hot sips of Pumpkin Spice Latte, and staying encouraged and inspired throughout moments of discouragement and doubt.  Babysitting Santiago, another trip up to my sister's place, spending Halloween with her and meeting her endearing boyfriend. And drawing closer to what was ahead in my plans, discernments and making official plans. 

November:

There was new hope, possibility with applying to the MLIS degree, and trusting further. It's another favorite month, in my favorite season with Thanksgiving and time to reflect, inspire, and anticipate. My sister and her husband bought a house, and visiting the area was beautiful, and refreshing after many prayers. Another nephew was born and celebrated Santiago's birthday, and some quality time for a sister gathering. It was the month of remembering loved ones who have gone before us and visiting a grave site with our precious family members and other souls. There was more writing and creativity with my story. A whole new transition of not having masses or at least indoors, but still experiencing the graces. Anticipation and excitement for Advent and the start of the closing of the year.  

 

December:

And here we are the, the last month of the year! This month as usual has its busyness with preparation for Christmas, and the holiday season, spending time with family, gifts, and receiving Jesus into our lives. In some ways, it was more busy than I wanted it to be, as Advent always go by rather quickly. 

It brought its share of planning for what's ahead with goals, ideas for the new year, for my new schedule and program, and for some resolutions/improvements. More reading, writing, and a nice weekend/sleepover with sisters and quality time, taking care of a cat and my sister ending up with a kitten for Christmas, a relaxed, productive, semi-busy, special break that was very much needed. And a deeper understanding of myself, my introverted, melancholy, sensitive, empath self. My dear sister and brother-in-law away for Christmas, and not fully knowing what's all ahead but anticipating it all with more trust, faith and joy after a crazy, hard, interior and growing year! 

Here's to a a hopeful 2021, with various unknowns but with greater trust and joy in hardships. 

Here's an excerpt from a prayer I found for the new year ahead. "Help us to remember that the gift of Christ, Immanuel, is our greatest treasure, not just as Christmas, but for the whole year through. Fill us with your joy and the peace of your Spirit. Direct our hearts and minds towards you. Thank you for your reminder that both in seasons of celebration and in seasons of brokenness, you're still with us. For you never leave us..."

 Happy New Year!

Notes From This Year

 "Be like a flower, survive the rain but use it to grow."

This quote was on a card that one of my dear sisters wrote to me back in July. I feel this quote is a really great summary and moto for this year of 2020, so much learning and growth that brings about fruit and maturity. This card had a magnolia flower on it, one of my favorites. And this card was full of beautiful, heartfelt and melancholy words after the passing of my sister's dear son, Ignacio, my nephew and God son. Reading it brought tears to my eyes, as well as hope and a sense of purpose. As my sister wrote, "It's a beautiful reminder that God is writing our story with each day that passes, He is making a beautiful work of art with the story of our lives." And I can see that more and more as these months and year have passed by. God is continually at work and most close and working in the dark and in the mundane and uncertain times.

"Of all the blessings sisterhood can bestow, I think the greatest is to be known, really known."

I read this quote while opening up the precious card my sweet sister gave to me right before her move in mid August. Her move to a new place, away from me and our time and memories and on to a new endeavor and adventure. It was a busy time for her seeing with packing and transitioning while my world felt very much the same and non busy, hardly any movement at all. But there was so much movement and transitions internally, in my heart. Seeing her leave was just one of them and what started a whole new chapter of change and growth for me. 

Her card was one of pure friendship and companionship, one we experienced together through thick and thin, good days, meh and blah days, really hard and challenging, melancholy blues, to joys, laughter, tears, frustrations, pain and inside jokes. I felt it was all meshed in her notes to me, and I knew I wouldn't be able to take it all in until after her move, until her big room of memories was empty and it was just me. I was surprised with how smooth the transition was for me and for her, and she agreed. But I recalled the bible verse that helped me transition and remember this new experience, "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born" Isaiah 66:9-14. 

God made it so apparent and seamless for her to enter into her new path, and God made it clear that I was going through my own growing pains and own journey. I stepped into it not feeling much different, but its the waves of life and the storms of past memories and misses and nostalgia that made it a lot more real. She wrote, "Also, this is a very new journey for both of us, and through it, you will be growing in new ways-all of which God has already seen and already knows about. I think God has some very intimate things to say to you as you embark on a new journey of growth, and a new journey of trust..."

In April, I had really awful sleep insomnia and fear. I felt off with myself, my sleep and on a verge of depression. It was Easter time, yet with the newness and strangeness of the Pandemic and strict orders as well as not working for my job at the time, it was very heavy and very hard. It lasted for a month and it was a nightly struggle of being able to fall asleep or stay asleep. There was a inner fear that ran through me like a river and would creep up when it turned evening, one of my favorite times of day yet at times I felt the anxiety approach. 

Another loving sister of mine wrote me a card, a beautiful card with Our Lady depicting the feast of Pentecost. And with it a note inside, a prayer to Our Lady of Good Health for my sleep, and also a book in the mail, 'Searching for and Maintaining Peace'. I believe it was my sister's prayers, the healing touch of Our Lady and some good humor that helped me sleep soundly and peacefully through the night, the first night in a month. It felt so powerful, and the next night and so forth were the same. So much joy and gratitude to continue on getting the rest, reassurance and peace I desperately needed. My sister wrote, "I'm praying good sleep returns to you and you grow stronger through this time of trial."

 In March, right before the shelter in place took effect, I visited my dear sister and that same day she asked me to be the God mother of her son, who was forming and growing in her womb, a pure gift and plan that God knew all along. She gave me a precious card with the words, 'Because I know you'll love me, Because I know you'll care, Because I know you'll always be there.' These words have struck me also as a sign of my dear nephew and God son interceding and watching us, caring for our needs and our striving for heaven. 

It's been 6 months since my birthday, and it feels like it's been such a long time with the ongoing Pandemic but also with my own growth, realizations, prayers, and discernments. I admit that it's been quite hard, but so much growth and goodness from the hard and painful parts. This year has really shown us so much that we could not have ever anticipated, hoped for or wanted, but God has allowed it for the time being.

Just like today being the feast of St. Stephen, the first martyr, unprecedented or unwanted events that lead to his death but ultimately allowed for him to die for his faith and love for Christ. The turn of events came out to be that much greater and better as well as with the persecutor of St. Stephen, Saul, who had a conversion and change of heart and later became St. Paul. 

I am continuing to reflect upon this topsy turvy, challenging, growing and interior year with its many blessings as well. May God continue to bless all of it. Merry Christmas!

This Special Time

 It's such a special time, anticipating to celebrate our Lord's birth and closing out Advent, and soon this year. This time of year comes around and I can't help but hold onto it as I realize how holy, special and beautiful it really is. Although this year is different with less family coming over and gatherings and its more simplicity, if you will, it also embodies the first Christmas when Mary and Joseph received Jesus' birth in a stable. There was simplicity, humility shown, yet God's holy hand was upon the holy family. 

I think its a good lesson to think about on the true meaning and virtues of Christmas. I think a main one is humility and though the flashing lights, sparkles and large commercialism displays are nice and festive, it doesn't necessarily bestow the true ambiance and spirit of Christmas. The God of the universe is being born, born in a manger and his gift is his presence and its one of awe, peace and joy. 

I can't help but think of simplicity and humility when I think of St. Mother Theresa. Reading and learning more about her has been so inspirational and drawing closer to her spirit and her deep love and faith for Christ. It makes me reflect upon myself and my own thoughts, actions towards others. She served and took care of the poor and truly believed they were other Christs awaiting her love, compassion and care. 

Another saint who comes to mind when I reflect upon simplicity, and humility to name a few is St. Zelie Martin, the mother of St. Therese of Lisieux. Today happens to be the day she was born, and her story, witness to her faith, God's call for her life is truly inspiring and encouraging to me. She felt she was called to become a nun, a bride of Christ but it later became known that she was called to the sacrament of matrimony and met St. Louis Martin while crossing a bridge and hearing an inner voice of confirmation that he would be her future spouse. 

I feel she displayed great virtue of simplicity in the way she raised her children and bestowed upon love and zeal for the faith. Her mind and purpose was focused, to become a saint and she did, through her various sufferings and trails in life whilst keeping her faith strong. 

Yesterday, while visiting a beautiful basilica all decorated for Christmas and seeing statues of Our Lady outside the church, Our Lady of Lourdes and a favorite of mine, Our Lady of Bethlehem. There are so many scenes and traditions, prayers and presents that make up this joyful, hopeful time. I want to savor it all, this intimate time with family, and with Our Lord and ultimately hope and trust in a new year ahead! 

Our Lady's Love

 Yesterday was the feast day of St. Juan Diego. And I realized that the saying that our Lady told him, is right near me and where I look each day in my room. "Am I not here, who am your Mother?" Such beautiful words, and such a beautiful reminder as we soon celebrate the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. 

I have pasted this image of Our Lady of Guadalupe with her sweet words on my wall after having a difficult time and receiving a gift bag from my dear sister Elisabeth, and on it were these words. How instantly comforting they were for me (as well as the gifts!) and I have kept it up ever since. 

I feel that Our Lady of Guadalupe is my favorite apparition of Our Lady. I have connected with it over the years and love looking at the beautiful image and knowing the backstory. It's the namesake church where my sister and her husband were married in El Salvador, so special! 

Though I've never been to Mexico City, one of my sister's had a friend who went and brought back a prayer card of Our Lady of Guadalupe that I keep in my wallet. While recently visiting a gravesite, there was a statue of Juan Diego kneeling before another of Our Lady of Guadalupe. And this beautiful image of her is one that I pray under every time I go to the local church, and seek her protection, consolation, support and guidance throughout many seasons and journeys of life. 

Reading more about St. Zelie and St. Louis Martin and their married lives as well as when they had not met yet, Zelie was discerning her path in life, her work, her career. On the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, in the evening, Zelie heard a soft voice declaring for her to do lace as a career path. This gives me great joy and confidence as I have been discerning for a while of what my path is in terms of career/work, and vocation. St. Zelie (and St Louis) are great examples and intercessors, as well as Our Lady. 

I want to continue in devotion to Our Lady (of Guadalupe) as she is the patroness of the Americas, the unborn, and various things that we need, desire and pray for. 

Happy week of Feast days! 

Walking with Transitions

 Such a lovely Saturday. A time for slower pace, and a new routine. To regroup and connect during this special, intimate Advent season. After a week getting back into routine after a relaxing and needed Thanksgiving Break, and hearing back officially for a MLIS program and getting situated and prepared for it, slowing down a little was appreciated.

It feels like the tides are turning with this busy time of year, this prayerful time of Advent and preparing for Christmas. With the closing of this semester, looking forward to what's ahead in the New Year, goals to work towards, growth and learning ahead. 

But this week I was looking back to the past to when my sweet sister used to live here with me. She wrote me a note for the beginning of the New Year, 2019 and I can recall reading it for the first time like it was last week. I read it again, and could connect,  understand deeper of her words, of what she was going through, anticipating and looking ahead. Remembering it all brought me back to that time. It was such a gift to share with each other, console, connect, vent, hope and embrace our own unique crosses as well as joys. 

This year is different with no sibling living side by side, but there is so much room and opportunity for growth and a deeper and more personal room with my faith, and independence. I can already see the growth within myself. I would say most of it hasn't been easy but its been fruitful, and a strength in maturity with added courage. 

Looking from that note from my sister and what was happening then and then focusing on the present, it really shows all the ups and downs, unknowns, fears and God's timing into a new perspective. Just the start and cusp of 2019 doesn't feel like all that long ago, yet it does and there's been an array of changes and transitions all in between! 

Celebrating getting into this Masters program with some cheesecake for desert one night and thinking about all that has come before it while taking a slice of some raspberry cheesecake. Who would have thought from just a few months prior? How interestingly this year has turned out to be, with a slow transformation that goes unnoticed like sunset to dusk but is apparent and very real once you look back. 

I'm grateful for it all. 

Drawing Upon Reflection

 I can't help but reflect upon this year of 2020, and this liturgical year by going back to my writing. Flipping through pages of written prayer and reflections, uncertainty, doubts, hopes, desires, pain and sufferings have all been very real this year. But looking back, even just from a few months ago or a few weeks ago have been beautiful to see the discernment, shifts, transitions and pain as well as hope and trust. I will share some prayer entries that stood out to me in this crazy and interesting year. 

(January 8th) You have a beautiful plan ...even if I don't know it or can't see it fully, it unfolds, just like the seasons...

(March 29th) ...I don't know about my summer plans or what these months ahead will look like, but speaking with you, loving you, trusting and hoping in you will be enough...

(August 30th) ...There is so much I don't know about the future and what road I am on. But I ask and trust that you are continually guiding me and working in my life. I am continually learning about myself, my desires, needs, expectations, priorities ect... Every decision, every step, every day is leading somewhere and you will be the one to show me what it is and what it will look like.

(September 2) There is so much going on in my heart, my mind with things feeling and looking different. There are also lots of questions about what's next, how long?...You are with me, and haven't abandoned me . And you know what's ahead though I can't see it. I just need to have faith, trust, hope, and confidence in the process, even when its hard, boring, dull or maybe too predictable. ....I think whatever will happen, whatever it is, perhaps I'm just not ready for it. 

(September 14) Guide your daughter to where you want her to go. ...I don't know what's ahead nor my plans. Help me to be patient with myself, and trust in your beautiful and loving plan. 

And upon reflection of this years goals I made for myself, some things I checked off and did while others I wasn't even close to accomplishing or starting. It was an idea I had that was perhaps vague and how interesting it is to see this year unfold and develop as I develop and grow with it. 

This list brought me to other pages in this big, blue notebook from last year. I recalled notes I took for a blog post while at Starbucks and jotting down ideas and thoughts for it while enjoying the music and writing down lyrics of the song. I came across that song today, trying to find it and the memories flooded back to me, with tears running. Already at the time in February, things were hard and were new in their own sense. It's hard to believe all that this year has brought and a lot of brings forth pain and deep melancholy but also deep faith. 

To end with two quotes I came across that were uplifting while perusing through this notebook. 

"The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring. " Isaiah 58:11

"Never doubt God's mighty power to work in you and accomplish all this. He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for his miraculous power constantly energizes you." Ephesians 3:20

Cultivating Meaning

"Like a canary's, the best sings are learned in darkness...In darkness it learns the song until its heart is so full of it that it never forgets." - Fulton J Sheen 

I came across this quote in my notebook from last year, quoting a wonderful book I read from Venerable Fulton J Sheen. It was something I had recently thought about, about this time, these past weeks and months of growing, of doing the same thing, of routine, silence, and stillness and sometimes pain and sorrow, joy, lightness and gratitude. 

What stays true is that I know I've changed, grown, and been shaped by these months of transition from  witnessing my sister move away and start her career, meeting and saying goodbye to my dear nephew and God son and attending his funeral service 4 months ago today, having Santiago go back home after a month of taking care of him, to the bitter unknown of what lied ahead in terms of my job, my schedule, and ultimately my plan and purpose. So much of this all and more was wrapped inside tightly in my head and on my heart, sometimes so close that only God knew all that I was thinking and feeling. 

Being inside a classroom that was once full of life, noise, chatter, movement and coming and goings have long faded out and I'm not so focused on it anymore. The nostalgia of once was isn't resting so close, but rather the changes, adjustments and questions have formulated within me as the new sound, structure and focus of these past weeks and months. Some days have been rather heavy and hard, dull and plain like an empty wall. Its when things become harder or uncertain that the time drifts and lags like thick fog, but the days when I entrust more to the Lord and give all of these things to Him then it becomes more light, bearable, and enjoyable as things are clear. There is a well of peace.

Even if on the outside things have appeared to look the same and perhaps few to little changes, I know that that isn't the whole picture. There's something deeper that is being revealed in its own time, in His time. And day by day, as we take steps He is revealing His plan to us closer and more fully. 

Being alone molds you and has a way of revealing more of who you are. Coming back to campus in mid August and now leaving for Thanksgiving Break, there has been a story all in between, so much has been written, revealed, endured. Its had its own share of meaning, value and purpose even if many days were as far way as the moon to feeling like it. 

And that's what I find most beautiful, that God continues to write His story in our lives even when nothing feels changed, different or certain. The 'same old, 'same old' as they say rings true and predictability takes full swing. However, the beauty isn't always easy to see until you really focus in, contemplate and become present to the moment. Then the beauty and clarity is revealed when you have a bird's eye view and look at the picture down below. Just like that canary, what we learn in the darkness is usually the most clear, and the most profound in meaning. 

Within this classroom, I have been changed and formed, shaped as well as tested in faith, hope, trust, joy, perseverance, humor, purpose, and peace. Who would have thought it would be where these virtues would be more learned, and strengthened? It's where all these former memories and experiences lie and showcase a former self, a different perspective and circumstance. 

Thinking about this upcoming Thanksgiving Break was a bit daunting. I remember last year feeling so ready and excited for it, but this year feels different. Though upon reflection, I know I need this change of pace, scenery, and a refocus of appreciation and gratitude for all that's ahead, for all that's been. And for all the growth, pain and faith that has taken place. There is a deep gratitude, an awareness amidst the darkness and stillness and it has turned into something new. 

Reflecting Upon This Time

 This time of year brings with it its own reflective thinking. This month of November is dedicated to the Holy Souls and with the late Fall it comes to mind death and what's to come, and what really matters. Thinking about my dear nephew who is a little saint in heaven close with God makes me reflect upon what the ultimate goal of life is. Hearing a priest give a homily and mentioning a young man who recently converted and reconciled with the faith and received the sacraments and being diagnosed with cancer, made me also reflect upon the meaning of life and never fully knowing when it will be our last. 

The bright and colored leaves hang like jewels and are a reminder of God's presence, of his beauty. I feel there has been so much time for thought, for contemplation of how this year has been, and all that has happened and changed, transitioned from one season to the next. I notice how we are always changing, and God is continually molding us to where we are meant to be, and who He calls us to be. 

Rereading the book titled 'Chiara Portrillo Corbello: A Witness to Joy', has been really awe inspiring in her story, in their story and in their mission of what God has called for them. Through their suffering, unknowns, pain, loss, joy, struggles and peace God used it all for His glory. And its so true for our lives and witness as well. It reminds me of the prayer I pray each night to now saints Zelie and Louis Martin, the parents of St. Therese of Lisieux. Their witness was very similar, one of suffering and crosses, sorrow and pain, hope, peace, and joy in saying yes to God's plan. 

Last Sunday's Gospel reading was about the ten virgins awaiting the bridegroom. 5 were wise and 5 were foolish and the ones who were wise were prepared with their oil and flasks to meet the bridegroom. I had to think about this message, portraying it's message of light, of perseverance, and of wisdom. It's all very relevant as we come to the ending of this liturgical year and enter and welcome a new one. 

Today's Gospel reading is about the talents and using, sharing them for God's glory. It's the fear that puts the servant with one talent to shame, and the fear of the Lord for the other servants to share and use their gifts wisely. Maybe the gifts that God is giving us and perhaps asking us to share are ones of trust, patience, perseverance, suffering and hardship, so that we can share our wisdom with others, our witness for the greater glory of God. 

Parable of the Ten Virgins

The same priest read a beautiful prayer by St. Ignatius of Loyola, and I couldn't help but think of my dear nephew resting in God's arms named after St. Ignatius. 

                                                                    Dearest Lord, 

                                           teach me to be generous ; teach me to serve you as you deserve; 

                                              to give and not to count the cost,

                                             to fight and not to heed the wounds, to toil and not to seek for rest, 

                                            to labor and not to ask for reward

                                             save that of knowing I am doing your will. 

I recall another beautiful reflection I wrote down from St. Charles Borromeo, whose feast day was earlier this month that struck out to me in its truth and beauty. This reminds me of Chiara's story of surrender, to the 'greater treasure' and bearing fruit. 

"Have your eye continually on the providence of God, thinking that nothing comes about without his will and that good is drawn out of everything. Take care to be grateful to God for his many benefits, recognizing them, thanking him and living well in order to show our gratitude ...Know and recall that there is no greater wealth and treasure, nothing more excellent and fruitful, than to love God and serve him, and that everything else passes like smoke and  shadow."  

A Sweet Sound

 "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."- Eleanor Roosevelt

I came across this quote in a small inspirational book my sister had. I immediately wrote it down in my notebook, and felt this quote and a few others I kept were so compelling, and motivational. It reminded me of my sweet sister's journey of reaching her goals, her mission, her calling of teaching. As I was perusing through this little book, she was lesson planning for the week ahead with all of her papers surrounding her, the table a teacher's space of to do's, a warm latte that spoke of a Sunday morning with light music playing in the background. 

This quote also remined me of my own dreams. Eleanor Roosevelt calls it beauty, but for me, somedays, it wasn't very beautiful. It can feel like a wave of the unknown, something that feels like it could be on the horizon, yet it's hazy and unclear like a smoky, dry day. There's potential, but it's not felt or always fully desired, but somewhere it's very much present, though not always seen. I am grateful that I don't feel or sense that I am in that boat anymore. The season of discernment can be a blessing, its own time of unique discovery, but it carries its own intimate pain that can be difficult to describe and put into words. 

Seeing my sister and all she had to go through, endure and experience to get to where she is now is  encouraging, powerful, beautiful and makes all the sacrifices and painful moments worth it, and I'm so proud to witness it all! Listening to the light background music, like my favorite, Lord Huron had a quiet reassurance of what's to come, what's ahead. It's the kind of music that has followed me and been with me through the deep, lonely times, ones of isolation, of interior solitude and dryness, of running in the peaceful twilight evenings, and driving over the hill to campus or the long drive back in the mystical dusk with the city lights' glimmer of promise. 

And this was how my sweet sister and I described this favorite music of ours, mystical, romantic, imaginative. It brings back memories for us when we would drive together and know of our favorite songs. She played her favorite in the car as we drove to the beach with her affectionate boyfriend listening to the tune and enjoying the folk and mysterious vibe as well as the deeper meaning. 

With the deep Autumn sun glistening through the window and the beauty of the landscapes passing by, the mystical sound of Lord Huron brought me to a new time of hope, of looking ahead, and appreciating the moment. Holding tightly these memories and this special time with my sweet sister, her sweet man in her life, embracing a new chapter, and beautiful scenery that brought me life, breath, a sure sense of peace and joy that only God can give. 

Highlights and a Flicker of Melancholy

 It's hard to believe this month of radiant, autumn glow of golden, reds and browns is transitioning to a close, another leaf falling. These weeks have felt like they have flown by with the warm sunshine, cooler morning air and quiet, and serene evenings that have let the Libra moon showcase the midnight  sky. I've been thinking why October happens to be my favorite if not one of my favorite months, since November is also high on the list. 

As most would say, Autumn gives off a nostalgic and even melancholy vibe, making it easy, pleasant and soothing to remember past Autumn seasons. There's something about the shifted sunlight, the cooler air and the green leaves turning into a leaves full of painted hues. There's also something about this special season that makes it even more enjoyable and interesting to think and look ahead into the near future- the end of the year, as well as into the new year that looks fresh, bright and positive. 

Fall brings in a new perspective for me. It's a time that I usually feel more inspired, creative, even motivated at times to pick up things once again- crafts like knitting or watercolor or embrace the hidden baker in me and add a list of certain desserts or treats that I would like to bake, or simply pick up creative writing again and let the world of ideas inspire me. Activities like walks and runs and just being in nature allows me to gather the creative spark I need. Seeing the sun set gradually over the hillside, waving the sunset pigments like a flag for all to see, or a leaf fall ever so gently and quietly as a hush. This month has been full of enjoying outdoors and creating a new energy, motivation and letting my thoughts run and merge together. 

There haven't been all  easy days this month. Some have turned out to be better than others, while others have been harder than I anticipated or wanted. But there's been beauty all around, and reminding myself of that has been helpful. Reminding myself  to enjoy this time, the nature, the people right in front of me has shown me a renewed spirit of gratitude, hope and joy. 

But this time of year makes it easy to reflect, upon these past many months. I think looking back in the year is a time of self reflection and seeing how much one has grown, learned, and even changed. It can be one of sadness, or melancholy from things that used to be. Also of hope and faith for things ahead. October comes with its charm, but also its gradualness of change and feelings of stillness and nostalgia..

 Here are some highlights of the past Octobers/Fall seasons:

Loving Pumpkins on Magazine (October 2016)

Giving a toast to my dear sister and brother -in -law at their wedding reception (October 29, 2016)

Dressing up as Mexican Painter Frida Kalho (Halloween 2016)

Finding a beautiful colored leaf after a nice run (Fall 2019)

Eating out at a Persian Restaurant (Nov. 2016)

Made a squash pizza! (October 2018)

 Walk near Lake (Nov. 2016)

The gray sky with the orange leaves (Fall 2016)

Pumpkin Pie from a pumpkin patch (October 2020)

 

Celebrating Halloween with dear Santiago (Halloween 2019)

Loving the colorful leaves! (Fall 2017)

Making Chicken Soup (Nov. 2018)

Here are just some special memories and glimpses. There are some nostalgia with certain memories but imbued with beauty, graces, fun, stillness and creativity. Let the leaves continue to Fall, the crunch among steps taken and the crisp air arise, and the harvest glow, pink and burnt, and pumpkin flicker. 

Something Good

 This past week I wanted to make a list of ideas to challenge myself with, to look forward to as a way to keep track of the week better and hopefully remember the good things (big or small), interesting, funny or simply take in the moment. There are some things I didn't cross off, that I didn't start to do yet, and others that I tried to do but throughout the midst and business, or mere routine of the week, it got lost. 

I started the week out with early morning daily Mass. I knew it would be a bit tight for my schedule, but I was willing to give it a shot. I knew I needed all the graces that Monday to start out the day, a new week. It was a beautiful Mass and was grateful I made it there early enough to get in on time. And something about waking up early enough to still see the stars, the shining crescent moon before sunrise appears every so gently, brightly is so special, glorious, and grace filled. A whole new day ahead, what will God bring, and how will this new gift of a day unfold? 

The Mass and the priest giving it was very nice, and reverent, however, not a very nice or reverent thing happened right before communion. A young man announced something walking into the church with a face covering and a blanket over him, and everyone looked at him, tense, pensive, afraid as I was. Who was this random guy making a big scene during Mass, right before the most important part of receiving the Eucharist. He claimed he was Christian, and Catholic in a haughty way very well knowing he was disturbing and interrupting the Mass. He turned around to walk right out of the church and shouted loudly enough for all to hear regarding priests and abuse scandals. The few of us at Mass all got in line to receive communion like that occurrence never happened, returning peacefully, silently and prayerfully, as well as the priests.

That day for me though didn't turn out to be so peaceful as I would have liked, hoped or prepared for. It actually spun  around to be one of emotional turmoil, with a constant flow of tears, questions, doubt, upset, confusion. It was a day that I wanted to end as quick as the heavy emotions came that drained me and took the life out of the beauty of the day. I can't help but think now about how that young guy came in to disturb and bring in unrest and a loud disposition for all to hear. I didn't understand the point of it, but perhaps a gnawing conscience or seeking attention in a way that is anything but peaceful or silent as our world is experiencing today. 

How quickly the turn of my thoughts, my emotions came that lasted the rest of that day and I remembered the nice Mass that morning (besides the intruder) and the list I had made for the week and  I felt like I had already failed. But I had to let things subside before I could regain control again of my thoughts, my feelings and emotions and take charge again to let God continue to work amidst the puffy eyes the next morning. Luckily, things turned out better as I focused on things other than the previous day, and God's graces to help me. 

I finished my notebook that I had been writing in for the past few months (quarantine time made me write a lot!) and I jotted some things down on this last page. "And here I am, the last page of this notebook, so fast! Today was a much better day, better attitude and energy going forward. And trusting God will lead me through, as well as my favorite saints. Loved St. Maria Faustina's diary and parts that I read today. 'Do not fear anything. I am with you. These matters are in my hands and I will bring them to fruition according to My Mercy, for nothing can oppose My will.' "

Some other highlights from this week, beautiful, peaceful and glorious late afternoon/early evening walks and runs. The perfect weather and time of Fall season to be outside. Going to Apple Hill with some family members. :) Nice prayer time at church and adoration, picking up many books from library- about some saints, and language books! Received spearmint yarn in mail to start knitting my project, finished watching the classic old movie, 'The Bells of St. Mary's' with Bing Crosby and Ingrid Bergman. I loved every minute of it, funny, engaging and interesting story line and dialogue. The ending had a lot to do with accepting God's will even when its against yours and how trusting and later understanding in it comes joy. 

Here's to a happy and peaceful Fall weekend, as a new week will begin again!

 

Bonjour October!

 October is here! And I remember the many beautiful things about October and Fall in general. The lighting, the coolness to the air, the crunch of leaves and the orange and red highlights in dispersed in the leaves are some of the outward depictions and changes that I love. I can't deny that I'm looking forward to wrapping up this year overall, and seeing how these weeks, and months unfold. 

What I also love about Fall is the deeper awareness, appreciation of reflection, and contemplation. There's a real beauty of connecting with nature in this way, and I always feel like this distinct season does that for me. It comes where I can depict previous Autumns and reminisce and go back in time to what was happening them. 

I have vivid and special memories from when I was a student in Junior College and actively participating in student events and creating them, getting to know the other people involved in student government and finding my place, and inspiration in my English classes. Or the days after college and enjoying the freedom of no longer being a student and embracing planning lessons for students, and walks and runs on crisp and cool Fall mornings at a favorite park. Even the hard parts and days come back to me in full swing when not a lot was going on, like in Fall 2018 or feeling stuck, uninspired and undergoing big transitions like in Fall 2016.

This Fall also has its own unique vibe to it. It's the first Fall without my sweet sister above me in a couple years, and a time when distant learning has its own learning curves, adjustments or even lack of real stimulation. It's a time that is very special and distinguishable, but also one of a little nostalgia from years past. I can recall many memories from last Fall season and how enjoyable they were and sharing time with my sister at home. Those nail times, classic movie dates we would make for ourselves, and going together to Mass, how precious they were! But this time has its own intimacy, uniqueness and describable feelings of growth, realizations and a surge in faith and continued trust for what's ahead.  

Something that I've had on my mind lately as a dose of inspiration and goals is to study French! I haven't touched it in years and years, but the desire of starting it up again has rekindled a side project and a deeper awareness of the culture, history, and even a lot of the saints whom I didn't even know had a French background. I feel that there are many saints who I will grow in devotion to and feel more connected to due to embracing the French language again. 

There was a memory that came up for me recently from a former contact back in Junior College, and how for a little bit of time we would text each other in French. And I realized how much came back to me and the advantage of communicating through writing in a foreign language can be, also the fun and enjoyment. That Fall I had a burned CD of songs I liked that my sister burned for me and I named it 'Bonjour Ami', since that's how my old friend and I would start our French conversations. 

I feel these (French) saints can inspire and help me throughout this season and journey; Sts. Louis, Zelie and Therese of Lisieux and the many others that I have come across that I want to learn more about and grow in devotion to.  Happy start to Fall, all things festive, pumpkin and apple, scarves and caramel and spice lattes and a list of inspirations to carve out the year!

Embracing Simplicity

 'Divine Heart in my Soul', 'Sacred Heart Divinity', these are some of the names I come up with while looking out the large window that overlooks the school, the majestic mountain and hillside and the 3 letters that have made me become creative with how I can rely on God's presence. There has been a lot of creativity and innovation this year, and its pretty amazing to say the least. God knows how humans work and function and also how much we are capable of. These past months have been no easy feat, and there is still more to come! But I now can look at the past with gratitude for what the present is giving and understand a little bit better. 

The way my job, and so many others' look now can feel almost laughable or sad of how things have drastically shifted and changed. I know I would be really upset if how things look now with my work, my schedule if it was 5 months prior. And though there is still enough to complain about, I feel that I was in a far worse spot in terms of not knowing, waiting and waiting, anticipating and hoping. But now my 'job' is to keep on hoping, but also to make due, and make the best of the situation at hand. 

Coming up with the acronyms like the ones I mentioned above are a simple thing, but helpful for me to see God at work in all the changes, uncertainty and even dullness. It draws me back to a spiritual realm that can often be forgotten when things start to feel  mundane, predictable or slightly boring, and trying to find joy in the ordinary. I was only recently complaining about life now looking really simple, or rather my schedule or how things appear now. But thinking it over and talking with my sweet sisters, praying about it and reading some saints' lives, brought me back to the reality that simple is where God reigns, and where we will find Him. And simplicity is what we are called to in various forms, and what the saints were called to as well. 

I'm reminded by what St. Maria Faustina writes about in her diary- Divine Mercy in my Soul. It's all about an intimate and deep prayer life with Jesus, and uniting her sufferings, work, misunderstandings, joys and prayers with Him. She had to undergone various trials in her faith and throughout her time in the convent life as a Mercy Nun, but her strive and desire for holiness and union with Our Lord is a beautiful example. She writes, "My life is not drab or monotonous, but it is varied like a garden of fragrant flowers, so that I don't know which flower to pick first, the lilly of suffering or the rose of love of neighbor or the violet of humility. It is a great thing ti know how to make use of the present moment!" She had a simple life, but one of joy, purpose and full of trust in God's plan. 

My dear sister recently finished reading about Saints Zelie and Louis Martin, the parents of well known, Saint Therese of Lisieux. Now I am reading more about them, their story, faith journey, home life, sufferings, trials, and joys. I see that Zelie's and Louis's lives were fairly simple, even before meeting each other. They had a divine meeting and felt called to one another in marriage though before that they both felt a desire for religious life. I'm really impressed by both of their strong faith life and spirituality and trust in God. And obedience in God's plans for their lives, St. Zelie a lace maker, and St. Louis a watch maker they pursued a strong work ethic and I greatly admire them for that. As well as a  commitment to their family. I was praying to St. Louis as I was finding a watch to purchase today, and I find one though its very simple, its useful and another simple way to remember him. 

God shows us other ways for simplicity, and He is the best teacher since the world is easily carried away by complexities, drama, and mere noisiness. I recall a few years back creating a whole list of things I wanted to accomplish in a few months time (it was an Autumn list). I remember getting energized and excited thinking of ideas and new things brainstorming and writing it while I was at the library. 

However, I remember getting too consumed with all these ideas that it almost felt like checking them off would create for a 'better' season in ways of productivity, beauty, ect... It was by doing rather than enjoying, or taking things in that was the main force. Don't get me wrong, I love making lists alynd getting inspired through it but I see more beauty with accepting the present and not getting over worried by the outcome. As I wrote in my notebook recently as a little reminder to myself, "Embrace the present, don't look for changes, accept, appreciate, love what you have been given. It will lead you to where God has planned and prepared you to go."

Flashbacks That Don't Fade

 I recently had a flashback. At first it was subtle and I didn't think much of putting words down on paper, but just letting it sift through my mind and then disappear like most flashbacks do. But then just yesterday, a similar flashback occurred that was stronger and much clearer. It was almost vivid where I can remember the feeling of things, words, emotions, and experiences. I looked around for my notebook diary later, the one that I wrote in during that time that was actually more like a prayer journal, and I knew I had to write about it. The memories and flashbacks from 2010!

It started with celebrating my sweet sister's birthday yesterday (2 days early) at her new apartment. And watching the light hearted rom-com 'Leap Year'. I wouldn't think that this movie would bring back so many memories and start up again this 'flashback'. But a little over 10 years ago, I turned 18 and watched this  movie, enjoying it and thinking it clever. I think my older brother liked parts of it (and the main character reminded me of him):), but my younger brother didn't like it at all, and couldn't understand why I would want to see it again just a week or two later when my dear sisters were home to share in the laughs. I also remember my younger brother and I had quite a lot of arguments, and bickering with one another during this time.

The summer was slowly turning into Fall that year and transitions would be happening, again. The Fall before was very difficult and painful with all 3 of my older sisters moving out in the same week, amidst the changes and adjustments with my little brother, academically hard classes, the daunting responsibilities of being President for a club, and feeling lonely and the weight of it all. I knew that it would look different arriving into my Senior year of HS, but still didn't know what to expect. And perhaps some pressure of making it a great year, with activities, opportunities, friends,ect... I was used to having my own room after my sister moved out for college, so the freedom of decorating it and designing if how I liked wasn't as new or weird for me. 

The summer was somewhat busy with helping out with my oldest sisters day camp in Santa Maria, and staying with her, my brother-in-law and cute niece. I remember my brother-in-law drove me from the half way point all the way to Santa Maria for my sister's camp and mentioning what I might like to study in college or where I'd like to go for school. I didn't have much of an opinion, but somehow Math was on my mind since I did really well Junior year, liked my teacher a lot and felt really proud in how well I did, and actually enjoyed equations, numbers. That obviously quickly changed. Words, writing, books and the English world would continue to captivate and interest me.  There was also planning for the other Catholic girls camp I would help out with each year and the excitement and enjoyment of seeing all my friends and contacts again was pure summer, and a big reward from a whole school year of long awaited reconnecting. 

In early August, my sister had a great idea of making a road trip of visiting our cousin in Ashland, Oregon. We had some childhood memories in Ashland and in parts of Oregon and many, many with our only girl cousin, and it had been a while. That trip with the 4 of us sisters up to the 10 hour or so drive was fun, exciting, exhausting, and a weekend to remember, now 10 years later!

Throughout this time, I would write letters with my dear older brother Matthew. He knew I was in Santa Maria for a week so he wrote me a letter sent there where I was staying. My dear sister moved back to SF come August or early September, and I knew the hard parts would start all over again. With a newness to the school year, figuring out recurring friendships, and knowing 2 friends of mine would be moving away was hard and uncertain. I can't remember all the details, but I interviewed and got a job at IHOP and it was an exciting start but also a very daunting one, it being my first 'real' job. And with the demands of harder classes, since I was also taking challenging classes like AP Psychology, Civics, and Anatomy. It was a nerve racking new role of going to work after school and also studying for quizzes, tests and accomplishing assignments. 

What also brought a flashback to me was wearing earrings yesterday that my dear sister gave to me for my birthday 10 years ago, and I wore them to a homecoming dance. And the dress was one she shopped for and got for me. :)

That first semester felt like a learning curve. I visited my dear sister in SF but I regret I should have made more of an effort for other visits. Taking public transit by myself was also a new and somewhat scary thing. But I remember when I visited her, it was a lot of fun, seeing her nicely decorated room and living space, going to the Opus Dei center, and talking late into the night- mentioning the club at school I used to have and feeling pressure restarting it, and loving her new hair do with her blunt bangs, and just sister soul talk. I missed her at home but visiting her quaint and cute place felt almost as homey in my heart. 

Like I mentioned, I was writing letters to my older brother who I looked up to a lot and the friendship and bond we had was so special, comforting, a treasure. The letters cheered me up when I was having hard days, or just when I needed a friend, a connection, or a guy's perspective. I still have kept these letters as I find them really interesting and special to look back on, reminiscence the old days and what was going on in our lives. 

I remember I always looked forward to family visiting to bring a little brightness, comfort and excitement. Things were shifting and it was always really nice to hear about my siblings' lives as they looked so different from mine. Their presence was a piece of home that once was, but it was always really hard when one or multiple of them left after a weekend or a holiday function. I always felt like I was left behind, I couldn't relate, couldn't be part of it after they left. I recall many tears, sadness and emotional struggle as the transition was so hard and trying to be inspired or look forward to things was challenging initially. 

Looking back, I can see all these growing pains, experiences as so unique, and special. Peeking into the views of my high school mind, and now working at a high school is very interesting! Sometimes I don't feel too different in the ways I think or do things, but overall have learned, gained, and experienced so much this past decade. As the well known author Sandra Cisneros foretells in her short story 'Eleven' that's written about which some of the students I work with are reading ,..."Even though you continue to age, you bring along the past with you. The past experiences of the younger you is still a part of your personality even as you get older." 

What will be next? What will the next 5, 10 years look like? In all honesty I have no idea and would never thought all that happened would and where I am today. Life can be full of surprises, and God is the master of it all. May He continue to lead me by the hand.