Seeds of Growth

I came across a journal entry in a notebook of  mine written exactly a year ago. It's so interesting to look back on and all that was happening, the small and big shifts that were happening by day and pondered at night. How strange it is to reflect upon it all when this year looks completely different! The main difference is the coronavirus pandemic we are facing. There are other differences though subtle, that reflect upon a year ago and the similarities beat together as being internal growth, growing pains.

There were many questions a year ago for me as what I would be doing in terms of work and the structure of it all. How would it happen, what to do about it and where to go. They were hard questions to figure out and discern but the weight of them were lifted for a time when I could just enjoy the ambiance of a library or cafe and study on my own time. I would let the daunting thoughts drift and fizzle away while I read a book or drank a vanilla creme whilst doodling and jotting down notes in my notebook. But some how, someway those thoughts would linger and arsie again and I would be faced with more discernment, application and job opportunities to research, and holding onto hope and trust like no other.

I became really motivated in studying for the English CBEST. I felt a great desire and need to pursue something academic since my last work place wasn't very challenging or enriching in thought. I remember I would send my brother a picture of my studies while he was abroad in Costa Rica and day by day was feeling the rewards of progress of studying for an exam, and pursing something.

Walks and runs were and still are very important to me. I feel that I am able to let out my internal energy and set about new ideas, inspiration while sorting out thoughts in my head as I jog and take in the beauty and peace of the scenery.  The vision that really helped me and lifted my spirits was while I was taking a walk or running and envisioning Jesus guiding me along and holding my hand. But he wasn't next to me but rather in front of me, almost like showing me where to go, what path to take. It was very comforting since I had no real idea of what would happen next and what to do and how things would look. But knowing that God has a plan and was guiding me step by step was reassuring that I was on the right path.

Today is the feast day of St. Bonaventure, and I specifically remember attending daily Mass and learning more about this saint from the priest and an excerpt in the Magnificat readings. What was written was so beautiful and deep, I decided to write it in my notebook.

"Beloved friend of Jesus Christ, examine carefully what kind of love your most sweet Jesus expects of you. Your great lover certainly wants you to give him your whole heart, soul and mind, so that there may be absolutely no one else in heart, soul and mind to share your love with him." - St. Bonaventure

And part of my commentary on this quote I will also share:

"...How relevant it is in thinking of solely focusing on Him, creating a stronger commitment and relationship and entrusting everything to Him, for Him and through Him. He is preparing my future with His holy will and ardent love. To no longer fear, but to instead hold onto His beautiful and sacred heart, and His guiding and loving hand. For He will show me the way."

Reflecting upon what I wrote, it enkindles this same desire to draw closer to Our Lord during these difficult and confusing times. I feel that I'm in a whole new season of growth and learning, pain and suffering. But to know that He is still leading, guiding and loving me every step of the way. Striving to embrace this time of more quiet and open time, since listening requires effort and God speaks in whispers and moves in silence has been helpful.

I want to continue to have some things to look forward to in order to make this internal season of growth more enjoyable, memorable and inspiring. As a creative melancholy, I'm always looking for ways to enhance the use of my hands in projects, thinking of innovative ideas and creating a playlist in my head of memories, thoughts, and goals that lift me up and keep me inspired while marching to beat of my own drum.

While writing this post, the main point resurfaced in my mind of relating it all back to this past Sunday's readings of the Gospel of Matthew 13:1-23 in  planted in God's word, and producing good fruit ..."But the seed sown on rich soil is the one who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and yields a hundred or sixty or thirty fold."

And the beautiful Psalm 65: The seed that falls on good ground will yield a fruitful harvest.

I want to close with sharing this excerpt from an enriching and very lovely faith and scripture journal from my dear sister a few years ago. It is one that was so relevant to the main message and brought a flow of consolation.

"It may not feel like it now, but you will survive this season. You will look back and remember with discomfort how it felt to be stripped of all that felt safe but really stunted your growth. And then with joy you'll praise Him because Jesus, the Master Gardener, has prepared blooms for you that you and those around you could not have witnessed otherwise. We were created to bear fruit. Today's painful pruning paves the way for tomorrow's blooms."