Write Your Story

 "I'm an empty page, I'm an open book, write your story on my heart"

As I was listening to this upbeat, and encouraging song by Francesca Battistelli, all the memories came back to me from that August evening. It was the final cusp of my dear sister Susie's time before she would move out and transition to a new area, a new job, a whole new life ahead!

 I made a video for her with photos from the past 6 and a half years of our time and memories together with music, and this was one of the songs. Here are some of the other beautiful lyrics: "Author of my hope, maker of the stars, let me be your work of art... My life, I know it's never been mine, so do whatever you like, I don't know what your plan is, but I know it's good."

How rich, joyful and beautiful these lyrics are, an openness, a trustful heart, a restful heart. I think that's what my sweet sister had, an open heart before she moved, and a joyful and restful heart of God's plans, timing and what He would do next. I could sense it, and I can remember it now. My heart looked quite different at that time. I felt some sorrow, overwhelming sense of the unknown, not knowing how daily life would like without a sister around, not sure what my path would like, what would be next for me?

 I had many doubts, and I took it day by day, settling into a new of life. This song spoke of an emptying of sense, of being open, yet things felt empty around me, but it was surely a way for God to find me more willing to accept the hardships and crosses He was giving me at that time.

How different I feel now, a year in a half later. So much has happened, and transitioned into a new mold, a new season. And there have been different seasons in between since I made that video for Susie. I feel more like what the lyrics say, "an empty page, I'm an open book.... come on and make your mark." More as in invitation, a sense of being, belonging and resting in Him more and more. 

This symbolism of writing and open pages relates to a song I have had on repeat as of recently, Natasha Bedingfield's 'Unwritten'. I love this song. I love it while I'm running, driving or just thinking and reading. Those lyrics have a similar openness to life and what's ahead, it has a positive tune. It never gets old. Those lyrics my dear sister wrote in one of my notebooks for my birthday. That birthday, I needed those reassuring and beautiful lyrics since that was a hard and trying year, beautiful but stretching me, and growing my faith. 

I remember that song the summer I took the English CBEST, and it felt so empowering, inspired after I took that test after studying and I could just run and let all my creative energy out. I still think of that song when it comes to writing, whether it be journaling, notes, creative writing, it's a force that breathes inspiration and energy in. I think about it as I'm now writing my own story, a creative one.

 "I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned... the rest is till unwritten". 

Things From Last Week

Watching cake decorating videos. Artsy and inspiration come. Eating delicious chocolate cake. Trying to stay away from sweets.

Lap swimming with mom in early evening. Warm air, calm water, until my strokes set in. Waves and ripples, brings me back to summer swim meets.

Rising before dawn, early Mass, special.

Listening to The Bible in a Year Podcast, enjoying it. Knitting at the same time.

Blogging. Loving the writing process and sifting through my thoughts.

Running, music loud and long strides. Pink sunset all a glow.

Pretty sunsets, makes the painter's brush stop and take it in.

Buying birthday cards, and notebooks for school.

Starbucks drink to uplift, with a cheese Danish of course.

Tears and emotions. Prayer, writing, recovering, healing.

Praying in church while teen choir practice was going on

Library time, perusing through aisles and reading.

Inspired by paintings/impressionisms, brings back memories from my Art History class

Running late, sleeping in

Adoration, chapel, silence, peace.

Babysitting Santiago, playing Legos, coloring and throwing plane. Laughing and enjoying time together.

Talking to my dear sister. Feeling better. Encouragement, understanding, inspiration. 

Julie and Julia movie. Inspiration, goodness, laughs, creativity.

Winter 2015: A new inspiration

 As I was browsing the library aisles, I came across a book I had read a couple of years ago while in college. Thinking about it, and checking it out, brought certain memories with it. The book title is called, 'The Kitchen Counter Cooking School' by Kathleen Flinn. That winter of 2015, I was in my second quarter at university and becoming more etched in my major as an English literature major. But I needed some flavor and inspiration in that dull environment of a classroom. 

Some days, I felt like falling asleep and dozing off in my own world. Before class would begin, I would soak up as much juice as I could from the book I was reading before a stone, cold feeling would hit- that professor reminded me of beige, plain walls and brown and dark panels hovering around a dark room. Where was the life? I thought I would feel inspired studying and reading English novels and writing essays. I began to feel like an orange being sucked out of zest and motivation, as well as creativity. I wasn't so sure of English literature was my thing anymore, where I belonged or fit in. 

Reading Kathleen Flinn's first book, 'The sharper your knife, the less you cry', was an instant catcher in the inspiration department. I would soak up the words before the dreary and plain English class would start. I couldn't wait to get back into it at the break. I would sit next to my new acquaintance, Sefali whom I shared a class with the quarter before. We connected, at least on a class and academic level. I didn't feel so alone or isolated in that drab class, (besides a nearby picture of Frida Kalho on the wall near me) and her forceful energy and determination to do well in the class encouraged me to enhance my reading speed- we read at least 5 books in that quarter! 

Cooking became a more focused pursuit and interest of mine. Now cooking more regularly for family at home, I became engrossed and inspired in cooking memoirs. I loved learning about chef's experience in the kitchen, their motivation, their story. I enjoyed reading about food and recipes, techniques, and all the learning curves. I later became interested in Jacques Pepin's cooking show. He's a lot of fun to watch, and his cooking memoir is wonderful as well!

That Winter quarter of 2015, I was thinking a lot. I contemplated what was ahead for me, and I calculated just a lot of English classes where I didn't feel that I fit the type or agreed with the certain liberal agenda being presented. With the help of my dear sister, a lot of talking and even tears, I gulped my way through another new transition and learning curve- declaring my major in International Studies. And I couldn't wait to see what the next quarters would be like. 

I knew based off of the class curriculum, I would need to do an international internship or study abroad. And the class listing was varied and exciting, not just an extended list of pure English classes. I would take a number of history and geography classes, and economics class and keep studying and pursuing Chinese classes. And of course, more cooking memoirs and books to keep me going. I was looking forward to what was coming!

Close Friends

 

I love this painted image of modern day blesseds and saints. My dear sister gave it to me after one of our visits and I have put it up on my wall and look at it often. I immediately noticed after looking at it yesterday that a few of these blesseds or saints were so close and relevant to me. I was wearing Fulton Sheen socks, reading a booklet about Bl. Pier Giorgio, and started reading a book about St. Pope John Paul II (who was also my patron saint last year) yesterday. Actually, all of them are relevant in some way or another. 

From left, Saint Mother Teresa. I want to reread the beautiful and enriching book, 'Come be my light', as its on my bookshelf. St. Josemaria, well there's so much to say. His birthday was yesterday, and his feast day is on my birthday! I am reading through a book about the start of Opus Dei and have ordered a few others regarding him or the Work. I also often look at the Opus Dei website for spiritual enrichment and encouragement. 

St. Edith Stein looks like she's right next to him. I read a great book regarding her writings on women. It was really beautiful and powerful. Venerable Fulton Sheen, I have socks of him, like I said. I love his books and his writings as well as his powerful way of speaking on his radio show. I want to read more from him!

Next to Saint Pope John Paul II is St. Gianna Molla. I love her and her story. I felt especially connected and comforted to her last year, and read books about her, have a prayer card of her on my desk and made my screen saver on my computer of a quote of hers. Chiara Portrillo Corbello has an amazing story and have read the book about her. 

St. Padre Pio, I have prayer cards of him around, and find his priestly devotion, stigmata and sufferings, his witness and holiness always so beautiful, powerful and enriching. And St. Bakhita, is a saint I don't know too much besides she is the first saint who was an African slave. I know her feast day is February 8th and is the due date of my soon to be newborn nephew, Isaac! Also, every time I enter into the chapel, I see her picture up- a relic. Now, I want to learn more about her and her story. 

How close these saints are to us, their stories, their struggles, their ambitions and faithfulness and devout life pleasing to God. Even amidst the ordinary, they are here. They are cheering us on, they understand and make things light and full of hope. How glad I am to have friends who are so close.

That Priest's Faith Shines

 While listening to one of my favorite shows on Relevant Radio, 'Trending with Timmerie', I enjoyed hearing an interview she had with a young priest, who's around my age about his vocation story. He sounded like an interesting person and very much in love and on fire for his faith. His story of discernment and into seminary was very interesting, and just his total faith and trust in wanting to do God's will for his life was inspiring. He had thought about marriage in his late teens, but felt God was calling him in his heart to the priesthood, but he was also discerning if he should go to law school. 

I remember listening that day in mid-August and just feeling so encouraged and inspired from this young, millennial priest. Wow, a young man who is living out his vocation as a priest and has a passion to serve, is truly amazing in today's world. He was interesting to listening to because he was real and honest. This priest from Texas gave me some hope in my own faith journey whilst I was feeling very much alone in my faith as well as young adult years. 

That night was when I decided to go to a young adult group I had always heard about and committed to actually going for once. I got there early, so I sat in my car and listened to the rest of the show with the priest being interviewed. I wish I could meet someone like that, I thought. Just a spiritual person who knows what they are about and knows whose they are and is cool and normal. That evening, the young adult group wasn't what I expected but I felt like a made a good effort even if it was only a married couple who showed up.

Today, I had plans to go to adoration. In the afternoon though, I was feeling a bit tired and wanted to rest. I then wasn't sure if I was going to make it there at all. I did a quick scroll on my phone, thinking of any catholic speakers I wanted to listen to or be inspired by. I came across a video about this priest (he has a you tube channel and that time in August I watched some of his videos). I decided to watch this video which was a version explanation of his vocation story to the priesthood. I already knew some of the details already due to Timmerie's show, but I think he's an engaging speaker and has a joyful presence. It showed clips of him praying, and talking about his journey, and I knew I wanted to also pray and go to adoration and not put it off. His words made me get up and be with Our Lord; I wanted to be close to Him too. 

I couldn't help but give thanks for this spiritual inspiration and example from this priest who is only in his late 20's. It brings me back to that time in August, that difficult time and how I was feeling. I want to keep being encouraged and know that there are people out there living out their faith and their call. I want to reflect; how I can also do the same, and to live it out faithfully and joyfully. 

A Letter to Myself

 Dear Colleen,

You are in the thick of it. There is so much uncertainty, fears, disappointments, it all feels like a big gulp to swallow at a constant speed with the many questions you have to add. Its January 2019, and you feel like your world is upside down. That positive TB test has left you confused and scratching your head as well as impatient. You thought the job you landed so easily and effortlessly on Christmas Eve would be your future. Of course, you may not have realized all the red flags along the way, but you also won't fully admit to yourself that you're desperate for a job, eager to use your knowledge of classes and finally gain some experience and make some money to pay back your college loans! Slowly, you will start to feel like you're sinking and an emotional wreck, what joy! But the story doesn't end there, luckily. God is with you and holding you close and dear and is teaching you so much in this testing ground! You will say that it's so hard, and post grad is underrated in how much preparation there is for 'adulting'. All those doctor visits will make you question God, 'Why me? Don't you know I hate medical things? Why is this happening?', etc... But you can tell your faith is growing stronger as well as your emotional state. 

There are many gifts being presented to you moment after moment, day after day even when things feel up in the air and topsy turvy. These include going to daily Mass, spending time with Mom and your dear sister, Elisabeth. She had just had a baby boy and you get to hold him so close and care for him and feed him his bottle when your sister and mom enjoy their time lap swimming and going to Mass while you care and look after that precious baby. How much you will feel like a baby yourself, desperately needing God's tender care and help in what you are going through. And feeling like a beginner in the working world.

God is also teaching you about patience as well as trial and error. And of course, humility, in your plans not working out and letting go. You will think that people who have a job are the luckiest people in the world! You will suddenly miss being a student, as well as tutoring your freelance job and how much you made it your own. It all felt like a safety net in some ways. This season is one of trust essentially, and that He has a plan. 

Your saving grace will be prayer and spending time at Mass, adoration, as well as the essential breath of inspiration cultivated in your schedule. The first person you meet that year you thought would be your co- teacher at your supposed to be job, but of course that fell through, and all you can do is struggle, get up and try again. Isn't that what Jesus did on his way to Calvary? You will appreciate all the hard work to get a job, and you will fight for it like no other. This testing ground like I mentioned will only be a precursor to what's ahead. I don't want to scare you, but you will know and understand the thought of not going to Mass due to your schedule with that supposed to be job made you sad, and melancholic. Well, the good news is that the job you will get soon enough will work so perfectly with your schedule that daily Mass will be your ritual and very much a part of your sanity throughout the long and learning days. In all honesty, you will be stretched like never before, so enjoy what you have now since you will need all the graces you can get! 

You are on the right track, Colleen. Don't sink into any lies, discouragement, or overwhelming worries. God hasn't left you, and never will. Enjoy the runs in the lowering sunset, and just breathe. Inspiration will come back with Arabic and making videos. Even if sharing your knowledge of the language feels scattered, it doesn't matter since you are trying to find the light in a season of darkness. Count your blessings also and keep finding the humor. It's only a season and it's toughening you up so you can be ready for the next, and a better version of the woman God created you to be. Good luck!

early January sibling hike

Sincerely,

Colleen (Your future self, 1/5/2022)

*Inspired by Emily Stimpson Chapman's book, 'Letters to Myself from the End of the World', and my dear sister's recent blog post