A Letter to Myself

 Dear Colleen,

You are in the thick of it. There is so much uncertainty, fears, disappointments, it all feels like a big gulp to swallow at a constant speed with the many questions you have to add. Its January 2019, and you feel like your world is upside down. That positive TB test has left you confused and scratching your head as well as impatient. You thought the job you landed so easily and effortlessly on Christmas Eve would be your future. Of course, you may not have realized all the red flags along the way, but you also won't fully admit to yourself that you're desperate for a job, eager to use your knowledge of classes and finally gain some experience and make some money to pay back your college loans! Slowly, you will start to feel like you're sinking and an emotional wreck, what joy! But the story doesn't end there, luckily. God is with you and holding you close and dear and is teaching you so much in this testing ground! You will say that it's so hard, and post grad is underrated in how much preparation there is for 'adulting'. All those doctor visits will make you question God, 'Why me? Don't you know I hate medical things? Why is this happening?', etc... But you can tell your faith is growing stronger as well as your emotional state. 

There are many gifts being presented to you moment after moment, day after day even when things feel up in the air and topsy turvy. These include going to daily Mass, spending time with Mom and your dear sister, Elisabeth. She had just had a baby boy and you get to hold him so close and care for him and feed him his bottle when your sister and mom enjoy their time lap swimming and going to Mass while you care and look after that precious baby. How much you will feel like a baby yourself, desperately needing God's tender care and help in what you are going through. And feeling like a beginner in the working world.

God is also teaching you about patience as well as trial and error. And of course, humility, in your plans not working out and letting go. You will think that people who have a job are the luckiest people in the world! You will suddenly miss being a student, as well as tutoring your freelance job and how much you made it your own. It all felt like a safety net in some ways. This season is one of trust essentially, and that He has a plan. 

Your saving grace will be prayer and spending time at Mass, adoration, as well as the essential breath of inspiration cultivated in your schedule. The first person you meet that year you thought would be your co- teacher at your supposed to be job, but of course that fell through, and all you can do is struggle, get up and try again. Isn't that what Jesus did on his way to Calvary? You will appreciate all the hard work to get a job, and you will fight for it like no other. This testing ground like I mentioned will only be a precursor to what's ahead. I don't want to scare you, but you will know and understand the thought of not going to Mass due to your schedule with that supposed to be job made you sad, and melancholic. Well, the good news is that the job you will get soon enough will work so perfectly with your schedule that daily Mass will be your ritual and very much a part of your sanity throughout the long and learning days. In all honesty, you will be stretched like never before, so enjoy what you have now since you will need all the graces you can get! 

You are on the right track, Colleen. Don't sink into any lies, discouragement, or overwhelming worries. God hasn't left you, and never will. Enjoy the runs in the lowering sunset, and just breathe. Inspiration will come back with Arabic and making videos. Even if sharing your knowledge of the language feels scattered, it doesn't matter since you are trying to find the light in a season of darkness. Count your blessings also and keep finding the humor. It's only a season and it's toughening you up so you can be ready for the next, and a better version of the woman God created you to be. Good luck!

early January sibling hike

Sincerely,

Colleen (Your future self, 1/5/2022)

*Inspired by Emily Stimpson Chapman's book, 'Letters to Myself from the End of the World', and my dear sister's recent blog post