Library Wonder, Heart Questing

 Its February, and many things are coming to my mind. It's the exciting arrival of another nephew, and my God son in just a few short days! February is loading up with more birthdays, and it's the month of hearts. I can't help but remember dear Ignacio's heart condition being diagnosed almost 2 years ago. 

I came across thinking of 2 years ago of really wondering, contemplating, what would be ahead for me? And what should I pursue? What route should I take? February was when I was searching more of what my true calling would be, and I felt a deep yearning for that next step, but what felt like a big question mark and a blank slate. There were very real and deep desires on my heart for my vocation, just so much was happening in what felt like all at once! 

February 2020, how raw some days felt, and so much unknown and growing pains. I even wrote about it on here, it was hard. I find it so interesting, since I would ask those who knew me well, what should I do? What did they see me doing or be good at? I asked my mom these questions, and she immediately answered, a librarian. For some reason, I almost felt appalled, surprised. Really? Me? I didn't feel the least bit enthused or connected to the possibility.

 I searched it up online (nearly forgetting that this had been one of my plans for post grad right before transferring to University) and saw that there was only an online program with the closest University- SJSU's program. There weren't too many programs unless it was further out or out of state. 

I closed that door immediately and thought that's not going to happen. I was saying and thinking, 'I don't want to do that, I love working with students. Being a librarian, you're not working with students.' Looking back, I find it funny because I'm in my 2nd year of the program now, (the one I had looked up and decided I wasn't interested) And I can say with certainty, I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't ready to be in that place of commitment or to really see that it would be something that I would find interesting, meaningful; something that I'm good and passionate about. 

For me, I was too closed to see what was ahead. I needed more growing, learning, detachment in order to fully know and see clearly. God was still preparing me, and it took long stretches of time, patience throughout the pandemic to keep on questioning, praying and praying and seeing what would happen. Months would go by, and I forgot all about that program. It didn't come up again until my sisters brought it up that Fall. 

 It would take several months to fully be convinced and see it for myself and commit to this program, this passion, and delve into it all. There would be many ideas in between. All of them soon fell flat and never seemed fulfilling or like the path for me. In some ways, I would never have guessed it for myself, but in others, it really feels like it fits like a glove. Sometimes, what you're looking for happens to be right in front of you. I'm grateful for this journey!