Focusing On

 Going to the library on my lunch break was so nice. The last full day before break, everyone is feeling so ready for a breath from routine, different scenery. My short time at the library felt like a dose of inspiration being poured out, picking up books as well as browsing and seeing what else I find. Being immersed among the book aisles, something spoke up creativity and anticipation to spend more time here, more time with these books during my break. 

One of the books I picked up was from one of my favorite authors, Henri Nouwen. I started reading and it was interesting to notice the various components from his other books depicted as certain topics and sections. Basically, it's a compilation of his other works. 

As I was resting after work, I looked up at my closet shelves with my various notebooks. One of them I felt like I should pick up and look through, forgetting what sort of notes I wrote in it. I was reading through various notes from books and other resources I had written down. And then I came across the marker on the page and read it. It happened to be the same quote I had just recently written down from Nouwen's book. I hadn't remembered that I had read or looked through this book before, but it struck me that I felt compelled to write down the same quote back in 2018. 

"We are called to convert our loneliness into solitude. We are called to experience our aloneness not as a wound but as a gift- as God's gift- so that in our aloneness we might discover how deeply we are loved by God" (The Only Necessary Thing).

 These words ring true, so beautiful and profound, perhaps that's why I had written it down again a few years later. Here's another one good one. 

"It is precisely where we are most alone, most unique, most ourselves, that God is closest to us. That is where we experience God as the divine, loving Father, who knows us better than we ourselves know ourselves."

Somehow the weather today- its dreariness, the elephant like clouds (in color and size) and drops of rain gave me that wonder of inspiration. I actually don't credit the weather. I go back to the early morning when my first waking hours were at Mass and adoration. That's what makes my day better, it's how I start it and what I focus on. Do I complain and concentrate on the lack of activity, busyness, etc.? Or do I recall the special moments, like connecting with a student about books and suggesting some good and classic books that he may like. 

Maybe I don't realize the impact I have, the example, or any possible way I can make a difference. That's ok if there's not much to do, learn, delve into. Something is still happening, and its this very moment, this experience, this breath, this thinking. A rain drop has a vast amount of atoms, water, capacity to give to the earth to drink, this time, this moment does as well.

It reminds me of a year ago. I was so beyond ready to take a break from routine and schedule and just getaway to new scenery. The break with my parents and sweet sister to the central coast and missions was the perfect opportunity, and such a beautiful and inspirational trip; I can still remember a lot of the details. Coming back felt better than prior to leaving. I felt refreshed, inspired, rejuvenated. 

Those weeks after weren't always fully easy though, they were actually quite difficult, but in my mind I have some fond memories because I was still trying to make things enjoyable, light and creative. Striving, attempting is part of the process, and my perspective has its own gems to it now. 

Ocean view in Central Coast, Spring 2021

Coming Back to Read

 I find it interesting when something comes back again into your life. This thing was a book. I was interested in reading it but somehow it felt difficult; there was a lot of written detail, and perhaps my situation at the time felt a bit too similar to the author's intense, painful and suffering experiences. I had attempted to read this book a couple times hearing from my dear sister's personal experience of how great and insightful it was. I checked it out once again from the library, and once again returned it without the accomplished feeling of finishing a book. 

When I was feeling burnt out and then got sick, I was able to rest more. The idea came to me of looking through some notes and quotes I had typed up. I came to read some notes I had taken from this book and how beautiful and true they were, what great and amazing reminders especially when I felt unstimulated, bored and somewhat spiritually dry. This book I now had a copy of, since it came to me when one of my sisters gave us some of her mother-in-law's books. I saw this book and immediately took it, knowing full well that I wanted to attempt to try to read it once again! So now I had this book, and delved into it, feeling inspired and encouraged. If I could just get further than the last time I tried to read it, and maybe it would be easier to read overall. 

I finally read and finished this book yesterday! It was so good, so awe inspiring, and spiritually enriching in what he had to go through in his many years of solitary confinement, hard labor, severe conditions, discouragement, suffering and misunderstandings. An amazing story, and now I want to read his next book. So much good to look to in his story, his witness and testimony. My sufferings are mere nothingness compared to what he had to endure. I'm so glad I had it in my hands and finished it. 

Connecting There

 

It was a warm, crisp late afternoon driving to meetup with an old acquaintance who had semi-recently moved back to the area. Memories came back to me of driving similar roads during my undergrad, and of one stark memory of a wet and pouring rainy day to a job interview in that city. A few years have passed since then and parts of them I am grateful for, keep close to my heart and some feels just like a blur of challenges and isolation. It was so good to meet up with this contact, whom I haven't seen for nearly 10 years! Life has unfolded continually; a new layer being uncovered like a sweet onion. There was so much to catch up about. 

Meeting at Starbucks was a good place to start, with our sweet drinks, the sun was strongly glowing in the background outside, until the air released its chill, so we decided to head inside. Our personal journeys and stories have some overlap, and just where we are at, there was a lot of comfort and consolation in that as well. We are both pursuing higher education and that in itself has its own understandings, demands, discernments, adjustments as well as growth. I felt so inspired. It's a rarity that I connect with someone and meet up with them on a weeknight. It felt like life was giving me a big hug after the very raw, intense, lonely and independent time in my undergrad. 

As I was driving back home, with the city lights, hills facing the downhill slope; I took the same road for 3 years commuting from school and back, I could feel the growth, and experiences all come together. If I could tell myself 5 or 6 years ago, it would be what I was feeling in that moment coming back home. Suddenly, my experiences didn't feel like nothing, or just an end in themselves. I felt stronger, more reassured and even blessed with all those hard and beautiful moments come into realizations. I would tell myself again and again, 'you are not alone. And your experiences are not just for you but to share and connect with others. Nothing is wasted.' 

3 St. Josephs

 

St. Joseph of Arimathea's feast day's today. I know it's also St. Patrick's Day but finding out my patron saint of the year shared a feast day with St Patrick was cool, and an easy way to remember. I love this photo. It depicts Good Friday and after Jesus died and taking him down from the cross. It also shows other people there, and one of them is St. Joseph of Arimathea I believe in the gold robe, near Jesus' feet. All we really know about him is that he was a private follower of Jesus, and he led for Jesus to be taken down from the cross and buried in an unknown, empty tomb. I love this image so much; I have made it as my computer's screen saver. 

I have often thought of St. Joseph being close by Jesus' side after the crucifixion. Although he wasn't present until later, he still showed his loyalty, service, devotedness, and sacredness to our Lord on that Good Friday. When I look at a crucifix, and see Jesus' feet nailed, I think of this St. Joseph who took him down from the cross. I think of the beautiful imagery of putting everything at the foot of the cross. 

St. Joseph of Arimathea gives me an example to live by, by staying close to Jesus even in the dark, challenging and unknown times. To specifically honor and love the cross, because that is where Jesus is closest. He has also shown me to love and honor and respect Jesus more by carefully taking him down from the cross, handing him to Our Lady to hold after his heart wrenching death, and then to place him neatly, delicately, lovingly in a tomb. 

St. Joseph of Arimathea isn't the only Joseph that I have a love and devotion for. St. Joseph, the father of Jesus is of course a high favorite. And whose feast day is just days after. I also really love the witness of Fr. Joseph who was an Opus Dei priest to first spread the work and its mission sent by the founder, St. Josemaria. I really was compelled by his story, and most especially his faith, trust and obedience. Great holy men and examples, 3 St. Josephs!

A Gift to God

 "Give God your nothingness." This was what I heard when I listened to a new favorite podcast from Edward Sri. He was talking about St. Therese of Lisieux and her spirituality. When she wasn't feeling consolations or warm feelings in her prayer, she would thank God for that. He says that St. Therese wanted to unite herself more to Jesus in her 'nothingness' when she didn't feel anything spectacular in her life, in her spiritual life, she would give it to him. St. Mother Theresa said the same, as she had many years dry and dark night of the soul, emulating St. Therese to give it to God and don't let it go to waste, since it is a gift. 

I hadn't fully heard of that before, as a gift, or even as a way to thank God for that. I understood to give God your wounds, loneliness, or just the hard parts or mundane of how our days can feel sometimes. But to give God our nothingness and continue to unite ourselves with Him was a bit of a new concept in the spiritual life. I was feeling that nothingness recently, even yesterday. After feeling sick and a fever lingering, I felt like I didn't have much to give, not enough inspiration (again) or energy, or variety for that matter. 

Resting was good, but I wanted to get better and be more productive and live a bit more normal routine again. I was starting to appreciate all that I do have, in my schedule and the variety, even if simply driving somewhere, going for a walk, or praying in the church, how much I missed these simple, daily, yet treasured things!

Listening to Edward Sri's podcast was what I needed to hear in those moments and see the ordinary as spiritual opportunities. To think about things differently. Even if I still had fever like symptoms, I could see the hard parts of being sick, low energy, being more confined, and not fully feeling like myself as a sacrifice and way to unite more closely to the cross and to give God this nothingness. There was beauty in that, and how much I can learn from these saints.

International Women's Day

 A year ago, I was working alone, waiting for some students to return and teachers back to a new normal. I would try desperately to keep inspired on the daily by writing in the notebook I would bring to take notes, but also jot down things for myself...books to read, quotes to remember and saints to recall to. Yesterday was International Women's Day and somehow, I always remember and particularly like this national holiday.

 In that notebook, I had written some wonderful quotes from a book regarding St. Edith Stein. One of them is, "The deepest longing of woman's heart is to give herself lovingly, to belong to another, and to possess this other being completely. This longing is revealed in her outlook, personal and all embracing, which appears to us as specifically feminine." This also relates to a favorite speaker on called Relevant Radio, Trending with Timmerie. She spoke about women's role in the home, society, and our natural gifts and purposes in life as well as some of our weaknesses. 

"Edith sees women as natural contemplatives in the world because they have a knack for blending attentiveness to concrete tasks with a capacity for cultivating silence and peace. She notes that women frequently yearn for an integral life in which their spiritual, intellectual, emotional and practical concerns merge and they can connect their faith to everyday tasks." 

The author of this book "My Sisters the Saints" by Colleen Caroll Campbell has a beautiful way with words and describing her seasons of life as woman, vocations and what God was calling her to in each season. "I marveled at how stealthily God works in the soul, one day and one trial at a time. He softens your edges so slowly and subtly that you can fail to notice how far you have come until you have moved on to the next problem. I wondered what other changes God might be working in my soul now, even as I saw no outward signs of progress at all." 

Last year, I celebrated International Women's Day by going to my longtime favorite library. It had been a long while, and it felt nice and refreshing to go back. Though with COVID, there were no places to sit, walking around for 45 mins and browsing was almost just as good. It's important to seek and find that wellness inside of you. My sweet sister has a picture that says, 'joy is a deep sense of wellness' or maybe it was the other way around? I find that to be true, especially now as these days feel long, somewhat hard and counting down the time. What happened to the inspiration, the wellness? Why does it take a few hours to get back on track again, and let things sift more normally? 

God made us to be joyful, to be well and to serve Him and others. As my sister has said before when she was going through a hard time, "If I'm not well, nothing else matters." I think I may still be processing a lot and wondering what's next? Where is God leading? And just learning to trust, but also to embrace this time. Every season is so different from another. Things that are coming up- Ali's Bridal Shower, High school Play, praying at 40 days, gardening, quality time with my dear sister again and seeing new nephew again:), more books to keep me motivated and inspired, language learning, Library Science program and other things. 

It's a day-by-day kind of thing. A blog I forgot about, but I do enjoy, I was reading through some of his more recent posts yesterday. His main focus on his blog is happiness, creativity, innovation, and his posts were helpful and dare I say again, inspiring! So Happy International Women's Day, a good reminder to continue seeking God's purpose and plan, and also to unite all things international and find that joy and wellness. 

Lovely plants, on way to Starbucks

Inspiration Flowing

 I have been feeling a semi lack of creativity this past week. It's a weird feeling, not the best but something lingers there for me to improve it, to figure it out. I can look back at the past in some ways and have seen other times where in hindsight perspective it was an inspiring and fruitful time actually. However, the moments weren't very much so. Why is that? Perhaps I have learned, grown and been stretched in seasons passed that allowed me to enhance further in my capabilities of bestowing creativity and inspiration for myself in a flowing like manner. 

I reread an older blog post of mine from 3 years ago and some of it I forgot I wrote. (The joy of blogging!) Looking back however, it was inspiring. It was a really hard time navigating my new job, and full-time schedule but somehow the creativity could still flow from that pain and suffering. I was still able to write, decorate t-shirts, go on runs and listen to music, pray and go to Mass and read. There was fruit from that time. 

It can be easy to be blind to the graces, the fruits that are being born in each season. It's usually in hindsight that we see that growth, the buds blooming and the virtues and graces flowing. Often throughout the week, I enjoy looking at the Blessed is She website. It's an online community for Catholic like-minded woman in various stages and vocations of life, all to live out the Catholic faith and lead inspiring and beautiful lives of virtue. BIS helps me when I feel dry inside or a lack of virtue in myself or in my pathways. It helps me to not forget my purpose and what God has in store. It also assists when the inspiration tank is running low.

Creativity is a gift from God, who is the source and giver of life. He is the ultimate creator and very creative. I can be connected with God in this way when I am 'feeling low' on energy and ask for the gift of inspiration and creativity. Maybe it's trying out something new, or perhaps changing up my schedule and routine a little. Or maybe its cultivating more silence and time for prayer this Lent and seeing the need for change, virtue and growth to develop on the regular. And to not always be looking for the fulfilling, awe inspiring moments in life. 

The Mass is the most awe-inspiring event, prayer and dare I say, most creative-where the bread and wine are truly turned into Jesus' sacred body and blood. To be united in this way and present is truly a gift and a grace. And to be united in the sacrament is truly a gift in itself. May this Lenten journey be one of creativity and inspiration that flows into our spiritual life, and our Lenten sacrifices. May God's grace flow and the Holy Spirit guide us on our journey. 

Hidden Blessings

 It felt like a busy week, at times more so due to being in my head. It often felt like a lot of rushing around and hard to fully sit, appreciate, and soak it all in, the present moment I mean. Ash Wednesday Mass was very nice, packed full, and a great reminder on how to start and live out this liturgical season. I had ashes on my head all day and some students asked about it and it was an opportunity to mention I'm Catholic and what the black dust on my forehead actually was. It first felt a little embarrassing, but then I became proud and encouraged to be a witness and share my faith in this way. 

Getting up early for Mass was difficult somedays, it was dark, cloudy on some. Or I just felt a bit tired or burnout from the week, again that stillness and presence of God, inspiration felt it was waning on some days. On some I felt more jovial, full of spirit, others I was dragging myself interiorly to pull through and get through the hours. Putting off assignments I could do later for my classes, wanting more time for reading, introspection, reflection. I was feeling like I needed a break from something, from a busyness mentality and just rest. Oh, so many blessings and graces that can be easily forgotten, not noticed or not appreciated.

Silence helps with this. It helps with being present, staying focused, prayer, attention, gratitude. It clears my mind like a spring well and creates pieces of open opportunity, innovation and inspiration. Not feeling the need for so much screen time, external noise. Gentle music when I read or wind down like a soft breeze. My mom and dad always listening to me talk, share about my day. Laugh with them, share things with them and gain help and advice from them. I share friendship and trust with them, such gifts. I was especially comforted and supported after a rough day yesterday.

Swimming with my mom and feeling pretty good in terms of shape. The water was cooler, we were able to share a lane again. I realized how much I enjoy running, with all of its variety.  Adoration, always peaceful, putting forth all concerns, worries, uncertainties at the Lord's feet. He knows. He understands. The best friend, always encouraging and loving. Messages from my sisters, always so good and enjoyable to hear from, easily makes my day. 

What a week! It can easily feel like a blur, but noticing the pieces, the little moments make it beautiful. Now I can rest.