Reflecting on Growth

 

First week of school, from this picture. It feels like its own adjustment, with a new teacher, new classes, and some new faces of students, some familiar. It feels like a new level of responsibility, but one that I was ready for. I never guessed I would be here again. A year ago, I was craving for something else- a different job, environment, something new! But here I am, sticking it out after a rough, long, intimate, challenging year that taught me so much and one that brings back so many memories, it often comes with nostalgia.

I miss some of the students I used to see and help them with their work. That classroom of 3 years, with the spectacular view of Mt. Diablo, my desk, just all the memories will remain there, in those walls, that classroom- K 101. It made me who I am at the job, and those days working alone, and mostly very isolated and lonely, I won't forget either. 

I think about last year a lot. I liked my schedule, but I remember not feeling very busy or accomplished. It's always something I didn't like, but I had the comfort of my teacher and classroom to help me through the hard parts. Last year prepared me for this year, and I'm finding what works for me again, and now with a busy schedule in tow, the weeks feeling fast, and this introvert is feeling overstimulated. But I am grateful for some things that are new, different that felt so much the same and stagnant last year it was humbling and painful at the same time.

I did this hairstyle, wanting to do something new with my hair. And now that my hair is (finally) growing out! That was something that I craved a year ago- my long hair. 

Yesterday, the first in-door rally in 3 years. My first rally I went to was in doors, and it brought back so many memoirs from high school that I didn't miss. I was just a few weeks into the job, and I will always recall that special feeling, and just really liking my job and grateful. Fall was slowly coming, and the lighting and colors changing on trees were warmth and beauty. That rally came to mind yesterday, since those Freshmen then are now Seniors. They were running into the gym with so much pride and excitement, I can remember that day so well when they were Freshmen and seeing those Seniors then taking over the gym with their noise and number and dominant energy. 

Where has the time gone? I feel like I've seen so much being at this job, but mostly I have experienced a lot of growth, internal growth and change that has led to now. I never knew why I was meant to come back after last year, but I felt God wanting and calling me to be, and here I am. I can only reflect upon it all. 

I find it somewhat providential and somewhat funny that my new classroom I'm in (and my new desk) was that teacher's from last year. She was the teacher who I always knew to be as strong, strongly opiniated, dominant energy, with a rough and tough tomboy like demeanor, sporty like. I never talked with her, but she talked with the former teacher I was with. I overheard their conversations. And then one day, I saw she was pregnant last year, and I didn't know she was. Somehow, I felt off. It made me feel overwhelmed and sad- again, another person moving on with their life in a place I desired. It was hard, it was so hard with a raw feeling that I had to write about it in my journal. 

Overtime, heard about her strong opinion about Covid and the vaccine, and realized we agreed on those issues. I didn't feel quite so alone though I never fully voiced it- I was always the quiet one, in the back and felt pretty much invisible, right? After her baby shower at work, and once she came back from maternity leave, the vaccine and covid topic came up again, and we talked about it and connected. I actually felt seen and heard, and I felt supported with something that felt pressured. 

One day, she brought her baby daughter to work. My teacher told me about it, so I went over to her classroom, and she went back to where her daughter was since her 2 younger sisters were taking care of her. I got to meet and see her sisters, reminding me of my own dynamic and look alike with my own sisters. 

I find it was quite a 180 throughout the school year with that particular teacher, and we were able to connect a bit more. And now, I'm in her old classroom, and it reminds me of how much I've grown!