A Letter To Myself

 Dear You,

Today is a transition. A big transition, but with that comes with it a lot of grace, learning and growth! This transition comes with forging a new path, all your own without your sister by your side to share with. The past 6 in half years you had living together at home brought fundamental memories and opportunities to grow close, strengthen each other when things were hard and support one another when life threw its curved balls. 

Today, August 14, 2020 you will not necessarily think of all the challenges ahead or the many, many moments when your mind will go back to the past to reflect, become nostalgic or just simply miss those days together. August 14th feels bittersweet in some ways, and almost too much to gulp in the moment, since you will have a lot to process later. It has been so busy, mostly keeping yourself busy in the wait and watching the busyness and to dos for Susie. 

Its hard to fully know how things will look since all you're focused on and helping with your Mom is for Susie to get acclimated in her new apartment- the same one you all saw just shy of a month prior and fell in love with. You will help unpack her things, most especially her kitchen tools and things that will be necessary for living. Mom and you will go get dinner to go at the Habit to bring back to her place and enjoy a first meal together, you relaxing on her couch and other chairs pulled up for Susie and Mom to sit on. You will have a lightheartedness that will cover up any bit of sadness or pain and you haven't processed that yet either. Not until you see her big room she used to live in all empty, and miss everything so deeply. You've seen it all, and you will wonder where are you supposed to be, how are things supposed to look for you?

You cannot wait to start work up again, just waiting a few more days until its approved for your position. You are so ready to actually start 'life' again, and live more normally, on routine, and something outside the house. Little do you know that that will come with its own pains, unknowns and discouragement. 

Colleen, don't underestimate the plans God has in store for you. It may seem that God is hiding something from you, or you're just in the wait to figure out what you're supposed to do with your life, but there's a reason for why you're feeling the way you do. You're simply being prepared, and God is with you and leading you. The notebook you write in used for your prayer on the cover with roses says, 'Trust Your Journey' and I don't think that's a coincidence. 

It's okay to feel sad, very melancholy sometimes, or all the time. Those walks and runs around the neighborhood will remind you of Susie, listening to songs from Audrey Assad will make you so nostalgic of the past and think of Susie's hard and suffering times, it will feel like a healing remedy for you. Going to Mass at St. Michael's will bring back the time when you went together briefly right before her move, and at times feel so alone and walking alone. You will feel called to go there, a place of inspiration and hope- a new encounter with a parish (one that you both got confirmed in many years before). 

Language will be a bedrock of hope and inspiration for you. You stop studying Russian and move to French in which you hadn't studied since High School. You will gain encouragement and spiritual enrichment from learning about St. Zelie and St. Louis and the Martin family, and this will lead you to write up a short story. 

You won't realize it in the moment Colleen, but the suffering, the pain, the deep melancholy and rawness you feel inside is only leading you closer to Christ, to your faith and to making something beautiful, meaningful even if you wish things were better, easier, lighter and more clear. You will feel dead inside like one you've never experienced before. The image that comes to mind is the heart with cracks, brokenness that only grows and sprouts out blossoms and flowers in the end. This image gives you hope and encouragement that the suffering isn't for nothing. 

Being alone again at your job will feel like a heavy cross most days, but going to Mass in the morning will make it feel lighter and remind you that you're not alone. You will struggle with discouragement through and through and try to persevere when its hard. Some days you wont even be able to put a word to it, it will just be so hard, and so deep. You will easily cry when you're praying at the church after work or in your room. 28 will feel like a blow, like the worst and you can't wait for it all to end. 

But there's hope. It wont be all bad or all hard. You know Ignacio is with you, and will enjoy visiting Susie and getting out of the area, visiting the Marquez's and the new area and home where they will live, and coffee time with Mom and studying French. You will start reading St. Maria Faustina's diary recommended by the priest. 

You will be so ready and excited to start a challenge, be on a mission with going back to school. You will need to be hit in the head a couple of times before you really feel convinced and see it for yourself though. Hearing it at the sister meetup doesn't sink in for you- of course, since you're so used to doing what you're doing, you're practically a pro! And neither will hearing it again at Apple Hill. It wont be until Susie mentions it over the phone and you begin to really see it for yourself, pray, research and discern. Things start there. 

Susie and you have different journeys and timelines, but the day you decide and consider to enter into and apply for your Master's program is when Susie starts dating the guy she met from work. You are both experiencing brand new chapters, all on your own, in different ways. Let the journey begin, and embrace it!

Sincerely,

Your Future Self 8/14/22