This Week

 There were some hard parts to this week. Mostly, just getting out of bed and waking up in the morning. It felt like I was dragging myself. I was needing and desiring a break from routine, that change of scenery, schedule; practically everything since it can make feel like I am on autopilot. 

Something inspirational this week was when a student in a class I'm in was showing me her road trip with her family over the summer. They drove many miles up to Wyoming and Montana and back around again to California. She showed me some of these photos of the wilderness, the beautiful greenery, the trees, lakes. It looked so refreshing and it made me think how much I need a break- even just to be in nature! I thought about our time traveling to the Central Coast over spring break 2021 and how enjoyable, rejuvenating and refreshing that was. 

Another nice highlight was a student coming into one of my classes and wondering why I wasn't in his class anymore for tutorial. He missed me and complained that the class was so quiet and boring. It was sweet to see a familiar face from last year and could tell he had grown up a bit too. I made it fun last year with games so the time would pass faster, and it helped me as well. 

Reading St. Faustina's diary, I thought it was a compelling and relevant part. It was like we were experiencing the same thing. "I do not know why I feel so terribly unwell in the morning; I have to muster all my strength to get out of bed; sometimes even to the point of heroism. The thought of Holy Communion gives me back a little more strength." 

Beauty

 I thought of St. Mother Teresa recently. I remember viewing a video clip interview of her. Upon rewatching parts of it, I was amazed by her beauty, her beauty of spirit, simplicity, humility, devotion and love of God. It's not too common when you see such a beauty that is difficult to pinpoint but is still very much present.

Those who do not know about Mother Teresa, have never heard her speak, or read her books may upon seeing an image of her think she's old, frail, and ugly. Her skin is darkened and all wrinkled, and she doesn't bestow the standards of beauty upon which our world so highly strives for and values. However, beauty of heart and of spirit are a different matter that one cannot fake or pretend. As Venerable Fulton Sheen states, "Beauty on the outside never gets into the soul, but beauty of the soul reflects itself on the face." 

Yesterday, as I was shopping for shoes, I saw a brand from Jennfer Lopez of high boots. I didn't know she had a shoe brand. On the box was an image of her, of course she looked beautiful with her face all made up. But I thought back to Mother Teresa, and her faith filled spirit, her simplicity of spirit and deep love and trust in God- how much more beautiful is that for our world and in God's eyes! 

Remembering St. John Paul II

 Yesterday was St. Pope John Paul II's feast day. I have written about him before but wanted to include some photos I love most of him throughout his papacy. I admire him so much, his story, witness of faith, and love of Our Lady. 

There are so many incredible things about him- the many languages he spoke, the most traveled Pope, and beautified and canonized the most saints throughout his papacy, he established World Youth Day, living through Totalitarian regimes and was pope during the Fall of communism and the fall of the Berlin Wall. He also wrote many books and published and taught Theology of the Body. And these are just the tip of the iceberg. 

Whenever I see a photo of St. Pope John Paul II, I usually think of my nephew, as I think he's a look alike to St. John Paul II.

Make Up!

 

Make-up. It's something that I always enjoy and look forward to doing. I would say I care more about my make up being done than my hair. I'm not a perfectionist but would consider that I look more 'awake' if my make up is on than if my hair is styled. If I have extra time, then I will do my hair and enjoy the extra time it takes.

Somehow, I am inspired by make-up. I don't like the overdone look, and there is a feeling of 'too much make up'. I still like looking natural and like myself, but also like to create a look that looks nice. I bought these eyeshadows right before my sister's wedding, and I like the enhanced colors of gold shimmer and some darker shades. I love to blend them in. I was planning on doing her make up for her wedding, and did a trail run last year which was fun. Although I didn't do it in the end, I've learned that make up is my natural interest when it comes to beauty (and fashion too). 

I guess I didn't fully realize it until wedding season was upon us. In high school, I got more into doing my make-up and did it for dances, Junior Prom and Senior Ball. I could relate to a woman who I felt somewhat similar to, and my sisters knew of, and she was also into makeup. I was inspired by that too. 

Smiles

 

This was the day I visited my dear sister on my day off. This a picture with my sweet nephew and God son. He is now 8 months old. If you look closely, the bracelet I am wearing is from her- and now we have matching journey bracelets. :) My nails aren't painted since I was giving them a needed a break and liked the natural look for the time being. 

We enjoyed coffee at a favorite coffee shop, and shared a lot, and always a deeper part of our hearts, our stories. It was a busy week, but it was worth it to see her with her two growing, beautiful boys. I'm so much in my schedule, but to be inside the world of a mama is a whole other planet it feels at times. But I'm so grateful I can help, observe, learn, and share what I have with my nephews and sister. 

To see this little boy smile is such a joy and a sweetness of a baby. A baby growing up, and how I am growing too- in everything- my job, my Masters program, my spirituality, and even my hair! Yes, finally my hair is long again. I don't think about it much, but when I notice it, I tell my past self, 'See, with time it grows, and things do eventually change.' 

October 18

 Morning Mass. Early, dark, Fall weather. An older, homeless man came in during Mass and was walking around the church with a blanket. He was distracting. He was walking down the aisle right before the consecration. I had an intuition that said, 'he's going to sit in your pew.' My intuition was correct. (Isn't it always?) 

I was super scared and uncomfortable but didn't know what to do. I was able to make my way to communion by going a different way and took my purse with me. I immediately decided to sit in a different pew on the way back, so I was near other people. Inside, I felt like I was shaking, and was triggered, triggered is the right word. But Jesus was with me, but I was still scared, and my breathing was off. 

It was then that I nearly cried after Mass ended, and luckily the homeless man exited the church. But he wasn't any homeless man perusing around, it was his presence and what he was saying. It was then that I realized that I felt I needed a friend. I really desired a friend since I felt so alone- all the time, at work and stuck in my head, and mornings like these. And that situation made me feel off, I wasn't even ready to go to work, I just felt bad and disturbed.  

It was that day that I found out my dear sister wasn't feeling well, perhaps it was food poisoning? So, the next day I took off work and my mom and I visited her, had lunch together. And her and I went shopping together. I realized how burnt out I felt- just needed a little break from routine. That helped me a lot just as much as it did my sister.

I randomly thought of this memory today, and perhaps because it was such a strong force of fear, of feeling triggered I haven't really forgotten it. Also, last Fall was pretty challenging and raw so these memories can easily come up at times (of course, I don't always think of them). 

It was today, in one of the English classes that they started learning about Dark Romantics- authors like Edgar Allen Poe, Nathenial Hawthorne, Herman Melville etc... And viewing opening scenes of scary movies like 'It' and 'A Quiet Place' in the class. It was confirmed (though I already knew) that I can't do scary movies and have a super low tolerance of things like this. Luckily, the second movie I had already seen parts of, and it wasn't really scary for me- just suspense. (I thank my brother for challenging/ encouraging me to watch this with him.) 

But I love this class because it is so enriching, inspiring and interesting and that's mostly because of the teacher. I really like her presence and she adds a fun and lighthearted flair. It's this class that I always look forward to. 

So, I thought about fear today a little bit. And now that Halloween is almost here, I guess it feels relevant. I walk past on my way to work, houses with scary and festive decorations and I think of the past few years I have been at this job- since it all started with the Fall season. 

Seeking Stillness

 

I don't remember where or when I took this photo, but I thought it was a wonderful reminder for a notebook cover. It just might have been right before I turned 30 and I was out and about with my sweet sister having an early celebration at a bookstore. Be still- that was my 'theme' for last year and my sister even gifted me with a mug with that same verse- Psalm 46:10. It's a great reminder amidst the busyness, the noise, the increasing distractions. I realized yesterday, life is really simple, we are the ones who make life more complicated than it needs to be. 

Be still- this was used today during the priest's homily, and how we are ever so distracted by today's busy society, and the constant noise and huge distraction of social media. The priest admitted he was guilty of it, and I think everyone in the church would probably say the same. I know I can. 

Even though I'm trying to be better about staying off social media (specifically You tube), it still lurks its way into my life and my precious time. And I don't like it, because I see that it becomes a bad habit. And ultimately, it leaves me with nothing really than to have not spent that time for God and with God. It's ultimately the devil's tactics to lead us further away from God if we don't catch ourselves.

Yesterday, I was able to make it to Confession. And it was a really good confession, at least in some time. It was a new priest I had never encountered before, but his words and commentary were amazing, they really made me think. My eyes and mind were no longer clouded, I could see clearly of all he was saying, and I just started crying and tearing up because it became clear to me and just what sin does to us, others and God. 

I was finally able to be still, to pray and just be, in silence and feel God's presence and the power of mercy. God says that He forgets our sins once we confess and go to confession and receive this sacrament of grace and conversion. It makes me so happy and grateful that we, that I, can start again.

 Jesus has a horrible memory, as the well-known author and Vietnamese Cardinal, Francis Xavier Nguyen Van Thuan states in his book, "On the cross, during his agony, Jesus heard the voice of the thief crucified on his right, 'Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom' (LK 23:42). If I had been Jesus, I would have told him, 'I certainly will not forget you, but your crimes have to expiated with at least 20 years of purgatory'. Instead, Jesus tells him, "Today you will be with me in paradise" (Lk 23:43). He forgets all the man's sins... Jesus does not have a memory like mine. He not only pardons, and pardons every person, he even forgets that he has pardoned." (Testimony of Hope)

Colorful Hues From the Week

 

Magnolias

 "There's something so beautiful about a magnolia blossom. It demands attention and you can't help but love those big, creamy petals and that fragrant smell.

Have you ever looked at the bud of a magnolia flower? It's a light little pod that stays closed up for a long time on the end of its branch until one day, out of nowhere, it finally bursts open into this gigantic, gorgeous, fragrant flower that's 10 times bigger than the bud itself. "- The Magnolia Story

I love Magnolias! I've begun to see over the past few years the rhythm of this flower, and it's in seasons of dryness or hardship that I saw these bloom come out in late spring and last until late summer and it always brought me hope and a smile on my face. 

They stand out to me, especially with those trees that have thick, crisp leaves that look like they stay fresh looking all year. 

My dear sister gifted me with fake magnolia flowers for Christmas last year and I've kept them up all year- again, they are either always in bloom or just about to be.  My screen saver on my computer are magnolias- taken from a card from my dear sister. 

They are always in season.

St. Faustina and Divine Mercy

Yesterday was the feast of St. Maria Faustina. She is one of my favorite saints and that has really only come about from reading her diary. I admire her so much because she was a simple, humble mercy nun living in Poland.

 I really have learned so much from her writings in her diary, and her deep faith, love of God and trust in Jesus, her being a mystic has made me captivated by her story, her witness of trust and the secretary for God's Divine Mercy.

After Mass, I love looking up and praying in front of the Divine Mercy Image. It also reminds me of St. Faustina and helps me tangibly see God's love and deep mercy. I think of that image when I prepare and go to confession- with Jesus' wounds revealed and him touching his heart with one hand with the rays of blood and water, and the other hand stretched out in the form of a blessing. I always feel encouraged after contemplating this image. 

Thinking About Gratitude

 The busyness has gotten to me. Its only when I can finally slowdown that I realize how much it can overtake. I think about my parents and their deep love and support, and there have been many recent days where it just feels like there is so much to do, so much on my mind, so much to process that it's hard to be still, present and listen. It's been difficult to seek that quality time, and I wish it wasn't so.

These past few months have been a spin. Actually, more than that. They have left me tired, drained even and at times disjointed with myself- it's been more challenging (though not impossible) to find moments where I can sit and think, pray and rejuvenate, but again there is always something to get done, and by this, I mean for my program; and my job has become busier and more interactive as well.

Its days like today where I can finally regroup a little and realize where I'm at mentally, spiritually, emotionally. And I realized how much burnout I felt only because I was able to stop and listen, be still.

It makes me so grateful for my parents, to be able to live with them and share so much with them, even when the days are busy for me. I'm glad I'm able to reflect more today, and process and settle into the peace and quiet I've been seeking amidst the hustle and bustle.