October 18

 Morning Mass. Early, dark, Fall weather. An older, homeless man came in during Mass and was walking around the church with a blanket. He was distracting. He was walking down the aisle right before the consecration. I had an intuition that said, 'he's going to sit in your pew.' My intuition was correct. (Isn't it always?) 

I was super scared and uncomfortable but didn't know what to do. I was able to make my way to communion by going a different way and took my purse with me. I immediately decided to sit in a different pew on the way back, so I was near other people. Inside, I felt like I was shaking, and was triggered, triggered is the right word. But Jesus was with me, but I was still scared, and my breathing was off. 

It was then that I nearly cried after Mass ended, and luckily the homeless man exited the church. But he wasn't any homeless man perusing around, it was his presence and what he was saying. It was then that I realized that I felt I needed a friend. I really desired a friend since I felt so alone- all the time, at work and stuck in my head, and mornings like these. And that situation made me feel off, I wasn't even ready to go to work, I just felt bad and disturbed.  

It was that day that I found out my dear sister wasn't feeling well, perhaps it was food poisoning? So, the next day I took off work and my mom and I visited her, had lunch together. And her and I went shopping together. I realized how burnt out I felt- just needed a little break from routine. That helped me a lot just as much as it did my sister.

I randomly thought of this memory today, and perhaps because it was such a strong force of fear, of feeling triggered I haven't really forgotten it. Also, last Fall was pretty challenging and raw so these memories can easily come up at times (of course, I don't always think of them). 

It was today, in one of the English classes that they started learning about Dark Romantics- authors like Edgar Allen Poe, Nathenial Hawthorne, Herman Melville etc... And viewing opening scenes of scary movies like 'It' and 'A Quiet Place' in the class. It was confirmed (though I already knew) that I can't do scary movies and have a super low tolerance of things like this. Luckily, the second movie I had already seen parts of, and it wasn't really scary for me- just suspense. (I thank my brother for challenging/ encouraging me to watch this with him.) 

But I love this class because it is so enriching, inspiring and interesting and that's mostly because of the teacher. I really like her presence and she adds a fun and lighthearted flair. It's this class that I always look forward to. 

So, I thought about fear today a little bit. And now that Halloween is almost here, I guess it feels relevant. I walk past on my way to work, houses with scary and festive decorations and I think of the past few years I have been at this job- since it all started with the Fall season.