Highlights of the Year

 As I was sitting in that cafe on that rainy New Years Eve morning, I was studying but also wanting to find out my word and saint of the year- a fun tradition I've done with some of my family over the years. We first used to find out our saint of the year 'the old fashion way' through little slips of paper and picking out one from a hat. And voila, we'd have our saint for the next year! As the saying goes, you didn't choose the saint, the saint chose you! 

Over the past few years, my sisters and I have been doing so electronically through a word and saint generator website. I think there are a lot of these now. It's fun, exciting and unpredictable. Thinking, how is that word going to match the year or the saint for that matter? And sometimes the word can be random, or even meaningless.

When I 'picked' my word for the year 2023 on that last morning of 2022, I instantly felt upon receiving it that it may be a hard year, or thinking how that word would be incorporated throughout the next 12 months?

The word, in case you're wondering is/was 'plucky'. It sounds and looks like lucky but with a p in front. I've never heard the word before. The meaning is 'having or showing determined courage in the face of difficulties'. Though the word was obviously chosen at randomly, I found it to be a bit ominous or even nerve wracking... what would the new year hold or look like??

Well, although it was in various ways a hard and trying year, there were still many beautiful and wonderful blessing throughout. I'll write some of them down here to focus on the good as well, as we say goodbye to 2023.  

-Going to Monterey with Mom and Dad and with Mom to Carmel during spring break!

-Trip to DC, and visit with the Hashams', A whole week of exploring and seeing major sites and museums and quality time with family.

-Watching The Chosen

-Haslam girls over in summer

-Going on Women's retreat

-Babysitting Isaac, Santiago, and quality time with Elisabeth

-more open time in summer and fall semester

-visiting Susie, Ricardo and Viviana in September and quality time with Susie

-Praying at 40 days

-Helping out with Confirmation program

-Passing my classes

-Young Adult Ministry Events

-Half Moon Bay twice

-meeting nieces for the first time

-Writing more posts on my blog than ever before!

-Kept up with studying languages

-running with Stephen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cheers to 2023 and anticipating 2024!!

Movie With My Sister

 It was a rainy night, and we were trying to find parking on the street. She ended up parallel parking and we rushed over to the theatres to purchase our tickets. She paid for mine, so sweet! 

We were thrilled to see this movie together, it was the last week of the 2019 year, close to New Years and she had some 'free time', her husband and little boy in El Salvador for Christmas time and her with her dear one in her womb. We were enjoying this quality time with each other, my dear sister and me.

We planned to see 'It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood' with Tom Hanks and heard good things about it. It was the last days of the year and literally it felt like before everything changed- that is in the world, with Covid, and distancing, uncertainty and just heavy crosses and learning curves unfolding at every corner in the months ahead. Little did we know, and felt like her sweet baby cocooned inside her, all comfortable and resting.

We had a good seat in the movie theatre, but it was actually for handicapped or elderly, so we weren't sure if we would have to move. It wasn't too close or too far away from the screen. In the end, no one requested us to give up our seats. 

I think about that time and have such special memories. That movie was so well done. It was touching, moving and really made us think- about how to treat people, about relationships, family, about the inner workings of people, wounds. Essentially, it left us feeling blown away with optimism, empathy and real human connection and purpose. It was a sign of hope. 

Christmas Reflections

 There's nothing like family during the Christmas season, and most especially on Christmas day. Of all the memories throughout the years, from childhoods into teenage and young adult years, I've cherished so deeply Christmas mornings and Christmas Eve with my siblings. 

Of course, it began to look different when siblings got married and had their own families and traditions were a bit different, but coming together was the same, with more people and presents abound! The richness of being together and celebrating with delicious food for a formal dinner. Sometimes we'd go for a walk on Christmas afternoon, or stay inside with all the gifts, the children, noise and chatter, and sweets like my mom's delicious Christmas cookies!

On Christmas Eve, we would go to Mass as family and come home afterwards all excited and ready for Christmas festivities, sometimes even opening one or two gifts, eating sweets, drinking hot cider and watching classic Christmas movies such as Its a Wonderful Life. We wouldn't want to miss it!

Upon watching just a few clips of this movie (we didn't watch the whole thing this year), it brought back so many memories of this tradition we had, over the years. And it stirred upon me nostalgia, but also beauty of the meaning, the treasured value of our lives, existence and what we mean to each other, and the impact we have. It brought tears to my eyes for all these reasons! And also, what Christmas means to us. Baby Jesus coming into this world, as one of us, going down to our level, as a pure and innocent, cute baby, so we won't be afraid of him. 

I think about people who have a hard time during the holiday season- a loss of a loved one perhaps, sufferings, pains, loneliness, etc... I can't imagine what others endure for various reasons, and it makes me think about all the many, many blessings I've received for my whole life, and during Christmas time! But also, how this year has felt different. Its allowed me to reflect and enter more deeply into the manger scene on that first Christmas. There were many things that were not ideal for Mary and Joseph and Jesus, but they trusted and accepted the cold, the animals, the smells, the lack of privacy even. God was not born in a palace and it's not what they thought they needed or expected- there was no room in the inn. 

That's what I've tried to contemplate- sometimes Christmas time isn't what we expect or like necessary, but there are still so many blessings and things to be grateful for! And sometimes it makes us grow through different circumstances, or reflections upon past memories. Christmas isn't about us, but worshiping God and loving Him as He entered this world. 

Sister Sleep

 This just recently came to me, to write about and more importantly to remember and cherish the memory of the night before my sister and her soon to be husband's wedding. With this winter chill, summer days of bloom come back to me, like this one. July 1st, 2022 was my sister and my brother-in-law's wedding day! 

 I was her maid of honor, and her and I would be sharing the same hotel room and bed. It was the last night together before she would enter into and become a wife and someday mother. 

Upon waking up

Her vocation, the one God had prepared all along would soon be beginning. But something that would never change would be our relationship as sisters, our bloodline and our cherished memories, childhood, young adult years- they all emerged and combined upon jumping into that cozy bed, our luggage and stuff all scattered about the room, and our excitement for her big day was hard to settle into a deep slumber initially.

She was doing finishing touches of the wedding program, and other details, and I was getting my bags organized, preparing for bed, and reviewing some Russian:) Our oldest sister was visiting and chatting in our room too. It was just like old times- Susie doing the necessity of the moment, work, and me attending to something that I put my mind to, with no time constraint. But we also needed our beauty sleep for the big, important day.

I remember sleeping well and the bed was comfortable, and spacious enough. We weren't breathing in each other's faces, and I don't think I was snoring too loudly. I probably could have slept longer, but it was time to start the day- have some breakfast and start getting ready! I would be doing my own hair and makeup and would keep to my hair and if needed use dry shampoo since I didn't want my hair to be all wet and then wavy, curly without a blow dryer. 

We had a quick breakfast together from the hotel and then she went for a quick run around the premises to let out energy, but also relax from a really busy week of moving and preparation. And just alone time before all the guests for the wedding and reception. The grounds were beautiful with purple hydrangea flowers and lovely greenery, peaceful and serene.

It was special to gather as a family with the siblings and finishing getting ready in the hotel room before the Wedding Mass. It was a cozy environment with 2 attached rooms, with laughter, talking, eating, changing and preparing last minute details. Essentially, a room full of joy. And their wedding day and their lives together would start...

Pinecones

 Pinecones are a common thing to see during winter and Christmas time. They are usually embedded in Christmas wreaths or displayed on mantles, with candles, and greenery. I think they are symbols of renewal or life, as it's a life cycle with their seeds dropped and scattered for new life to begin again into a pinecone. 

I saw and collected a pinecone when I was visiting my sister and brother-in-law in September. Her and I went on a walk, and a small pinecone from a tree had fallen I guess. I thought it was a bit strange to see one so early in Fall. But I kept it ever since, as a reminder of our sweet and fun time together. 

When I see the greenery and wreaths displayed in churches this time of year and during the liturgical season, it reminds me of Gods' love, with the circle of the wreaths, His love is everlasting. And it is always fresh (His love, mercy, grace), just like the green wreaths and other decor intentionally and beautifully displayed. 

What a richly blessed time it is! 

Evening Light

 Seeing the Christmas trees, the greenery, the wreaths set upon the premises of the church, it made me reflect. It was so peaceful, with adoration, dim lights and it made me feel right at home. It really feels like Christmas now, with all the decorations, and entering more into this blessed and holy liturgical season. 

It made me reflect upon these past couple of years, and really sense that God brought me here, to this particular church, this community. He has led me here and that there's a plan, a purpose, a mission involved. In a dark, isolated and hard season, I felt brought here, where there was light, and I would be spiritually fed more so. It's already been 3 years, and seeing the seasons pass, unfold, its beautiful to be in this almost Christmas season. I was reflecting upon this while waiting in the confession line that evening. 

Also, just thinking, processing these past months especially and wrapping my head around it all. It all feels so daunting and can get bogged down or even a little emotional, but it was therapeutic to be there in adoration and just let out all my inner emotions and let the tears fall. I could also sense the healing in confession and preparing for Christmas.  

And upon seeing a contact at church, he asked me how I am doing. And just honesty came to me, not sugar coating or giving excessive details or explanations either, but letting 'okay' suffice for me too, and that it's more than okay to reveal our true status even to ourselves in that moment. And it felt good for someone to ask that question- a simple passing question that can easily be asked as a whisper, or as a run on after hello, but to be seen and heard, that's important. 

Jesus being born into this world, with all its darkness, sin, and brokenness is more than okay with our honesty and encounters us as we are. He heals and restores to make all things new. 

Cafe Musings and First Dates

 It all brought me back to that May afternoon. I parked in the same spot where I did that spring day and texted my sister that I was going on a date and if she could say a prayer.  

As I was standing there, inside the coffee shop waiting for my drink, seeing students' study and write papers on their computers in the evening darkness and sip their hot drinks, the streets wet from the rain, the holiday lights producing sheer glimmer on the streets, I couldn't help but think about that time. The growth, the transitions, the unknowns, it all came back so vividly, so effortlessly. 

It was there in that cafe I remember a date I had in May. It was such a busy and hectic time.  The school year was wrapping up and everyone was feeling burnt out and lethargic of the same routine, and I was finishing up a very demanding spring semester for my classes. Everything felt like a blur, and at times it felt like survival mode between working, and constant assignments. This date came as a surprise. I didn't really know if I was looking forward to it as I didn't really know him, just 2 or 3 encounters before. I guess there was a somewhat relaxed energy about it, and we'll see how it goes type of mindset. 

As I was waiting for my hot chocolate last night, and reliving in my mind this date and I remember where we were sitting for it- near the window, with backless seats, and near the back door. I ordered a lemonade as I didn't want to be sensitive to coffee and feel awake late into the evening. I remember, as I look back just being open to giving it a shot, as I already had 2 dates with another guy under my belt a few months earlier (and it being at the same cafe for that first date too lol).

I also remember he did a lot of the talking initially and felt like he was overtaking the conversation in the beginning, until he asked me some questions and talked about young adult ministry, my program, faith, high school, college, some hobbies. It was a long enough time to chat before his phone alarm rang as he would need to be heading out for a bible study. It worked out too since I felt it was a long enough time and needed to start packing for the retreat I would be going on the next day. 

There were so many unknowns up ahead. It was a somewhat stressful time as work would soon be ending, classes for the semester wrapping up and all the busyness soon would be shifting into a more 'open season', and that feeling of summer was getting closer in the air. I didn't really know what summer would look like or the rest of the year, and that made it hard, uncertain. I didn't have all the answers, I was just figuring it out as I went. 

There was this feeling of embracing the present moment as busy as it was, but knowing it was passing. And maybe just holding on to what felt comfortable, what felt right. As I was looking over to that table last night, (I even remembered what I was wearing! lol), I'm not sure if it was nostalgia or what, but I felt like telling my past self somethings. I didn't know this date would lead into another, and another and then a 4th date and then be dropped with no word. I didn't know the hurt on top of major transitions that held me down throughout the summer months. 

I wouldn't know how the rest of this year would play out, and the raw, painful aches of missing what I was doing before and practically everything had a sweet taste from the past and overlooking all the reality and hard parts. I wouldn't know how much I've grown since then, since slowly drinking that lemonade on a spring Thursday afternoon. I was hopeful, but the hard parts were only soon to begin to start, just underway like racoons jumping down from cypress trees in the nighttime starting their waking hours.

I'm glad I experienced it and faced those challenges and pains. I'm glad I was able to come back to that cafe for a group event and silently waiting for my hot chocolate and letting all the thoughts, feelings appear, as well as new ones to emerge. It's a new season, a special time. I want to embrace and be grateful for it all, with new horizons ahead. 

Navidad Story

 

When this picture came up on my phone recently, all the memories came back of this little kitty named Luna. We were taking care of her for 2 weeks while my sister and brother-in-law were away for Christmas. 

It felt so nice, so sweet to have a cat again after many years of saying goodbye to dear ol' Fluffy. We actually hadn't had any pets since then. So, in some ways it was new but also familiar. Luna was adjusting to everything, including us and her being inside for 2 whole weeks! (Since she wasn't fixed yet and would probably just have run away if she got out.)  But it felt more like the Christmas season with a cat in the house again, near the tree and keeping the house a home.

She was quite scared most of the time and would hide under beds and in tight spaces. We even thought we may have lost her since she hid so well in a tight and small corner until overnight her first night. She was sensitive, but when she got comfortable with me, I was able to pick her up and hold her and she liked that and would start kneading and purring. 

It was by sheer surprise that we received another cat (rather kitten at the time) for Christmas from my brother. I was so shocked and couldn't believe that we had 2 felines in the house at once! And that we would have a cat to call our own. My Dad was livid and not supportive of having another cat (kitten), but he was so cute, small and black. His golden eyes were adorable and his fur so soft. 

We were thinking of a name for him, and some came to mind (mocha, midnight, snickers..) and then I just thought of the name Navidad and everyone agreed and it just clicked as he was a Christmas kitty after all, since we received him on Christmas Day. We noticed how different he was from Luna. He was more active and not as frightened. He's playful as any kitten could be. He would squeak at times but not meow until he was a bit older when he found his 'voice.' 

We only had Luna for a few more days right until New Years Day when my sister and her family would be coming back. I liked Luna, I grew to like her. I guess I liked cats more than kittens, but overtime I enjoyed Navidad and saw him often, but initially he would be staying at my sister's apartment. 

He's now been with us for a little over 2 years, and something about having a cat, especially during Christmas time is sweet and special. He lays right behind the tree, just like Luna. But not so much to hide but to keep warm from the heater in the winter chill. He doesn't seek comfort so much with being picked up, but I like to hold him anyway, as he is a petite size, and his black fur still soft (though shedding and thinning a bit). 

He has the cutest face, and his golden eyes brighten up a room. When we first got him, my brother told us that the last owners said the kitten was a girl. But I didn't believe it, as he always looked like he had a masculine and handsome face. Sure enough, he is a boy, he got fixed within his first year and meows every once in a while. 

Inspiring Challenge

 Running motivates me, inspires me, it refreshes me. And it pushes me and allows the opportunity for me to go the distance, face the challenge and reach goals I don't always think I can achieve. It's a mental game, a mental war, a conversation in my head, thoughts, ideas, pictures to keep me going and distracted. 

It also has something for me to work for, to also look forward to. To relax, feel in shape and got a good workout. And then take a warm shower. 

Distractions

It was a busy time. A full semester of classes, working some, but mostly Student Government. And with that came distractions. I remember especially being so consumed with the activities of Student Government (and especially Fall 2013), that I lost sight of the Advent season. 

I recall helping prepare for Prep 2 Pass- a few evenings of tutoring sessions for students to prepare for finals. Two friends and I got the food for the Prep 2 Pass nights from an Afghan restaurant. Afterwards, we were in the car somewhere nearby the restaurant place that was near a business park. There were lights and a big Christmas tree all decorated and bright. 

It was probably only 2 weeks away from Christmas, and I realized how far away I felt spiritually for preparing for Christ's coming. I was so focused and enraptured by the happenings and people with Student Government, my classes and the many distractions around me that I lost sight of the true meaning of that special time before Christmas. I felt so...what's the word, detached, or unprepared. And almost like I lost a sense of my faith, my deeper self with all the noise, and distractions around me. 

It wasn't until the semester officially ended that I went on a silent Christmas retreat with my sister. I was finally able to dive into the true meaning of the season and really prepare for Christ's coming. I could process what had happened over the semester and grow closer in my faith and relationship with God. I realized how much more I needed to take my faith seriously and actually have it be a part of my daily life. 

That's when things started to shift, and in early 2014, I started to go to daily Mass and pray more, and I saw the changes instantly as well as gradually in getting stronger in faith and making it more my own. 

Christmas Retreat

 I heard a Christmas song yesterday and it felt like I was right back in the car with my dad and sister on our drive home from our Christmas retreat. It was a few short days until Christmas, and we could tell it was all hustle and bustle, while we were on our silent weekend retreat preparing our hearts, minds and souls for Christmas.

 On that drive home, it felt like we usually had the radio on playing regular and classic Christmas songs.  It was an exciting time to come home from being spiritually renewed, and also ready to start our break and finish up Christmas shopping.  To come home to our mom was decked out in Christmas cookie dough and wrapping paper, and it wasn't long before Christmas Eve and Mass. 

I have distinct and special memories since we did that for many years, throughout our high school and college days. And to experience that together and become ready the last few days of Advent and ready and awake for Christmas, Jesus' birth was a beautiful thing. 

Listening in a Cafe

 I was at Starbucks last week in the mid-morning, getting some written assignment done for a class. I couldn't wait to finish out the semester and come to a coffee shop and do something relaxing (language studies, write, read..) 

I was focused on my work, but it was crowded there, with all tables taken but one. It was right near where the baristas are who are making drinks and also talking. I heard all their conversations and it was funny commentary and banter. But actually, it was nice. It has been a while since I've been in an environment where the coworkers were talking and could casually joke around. It makes all the difference who you're around and how that impacts you.

It was interesting as I was continuing to do my work and simultaneously hearing the Starbucks workers. One of them struck me as interesting- she always had some kind of funny remark or comment back to her guy coworkers, and was one of the main experienced ones, knowing the ins and outs of the store. Shew sounded confident in her speech and had her own way of expressing. 

I heard her speaking Spanish to a customer and one of her coworkers was surprised and didn't know she spoke Spanish. She also said she knew Japanese and a few words in Irish Gaelic. It was interesting and even inspiring hearing that, as it seemed she had her own interests and goals. 

When I saw her, she also had a very unique and bold style, bright and stark green short hair, wearing a black sweatshirt, black shoes, more like a goth style. I wouldn't have guessed that hearing her talk and everything. Sometimes appearances can be just the tip of the iceberg to a person. 

Being at this cafe uplifted me in some ways, just being in a new environment, that had a lighthearted feel among the workers. And I finished up my assignment there and was looking forward to the future of entering into my projects. 

Summer Painting

 I look back on this painting often, thinking about that time. It was still summer, the middle of August. And I felt like painting something and getting creative again. There was a lot ahead to think about- the Fall semester was going to be starting soon, and my internship a week after that. Things already felt like they were shifting, new things and experiences on the horizon but also the unknown. 

I was painting water, but it kind of looks like mountains or hills. Water is calming and soothing to look out at, in my opinion. I was also trying to paint a sun, that had its rays extending. Perhaps it has a Van Gough sense about it. 

For my mom and sister's birthday, we had a family gathering out at the water, in the still summer days. With most of the family together, it felt like a summer picnic bash and the last cusp of summer vacation mode. And looking out at the water was refreshing and calming.

 I think about that, just the beginning of the last parts of the year and semester and all the rest until now. How different it feels now, and just a whole new season as well entering into Advent and approaching Christmas and winter. 

And that's all I want to do now is 'look out at the water' of life, of this year and just process, contemplate, heal and spiritually refresh. To prepare for the coming of Christ and embrace the specialness of this favorite season of mine. 

Running in Mind

 Running together at night around the track, picking up a sweat and staying side by side with similar pace feels like a beginning of a new season.

It was just the beginning of the semester, still summer when we went running together, or rather started training- when I was getting back in shape, and he was timing me. It was for a bigger goal, to do a race together later in Fall. 

There was so much ahead and unknown. With the Fall semester just starting, there wasn't yet a distinct feeling to how things would turn out. 

Now looking back, running has been a big part of this time. Trying to stay in shape and motivated amidst other parts of my schedule. And always looking forward to a run either before the busyness of the day or after. The Fall colors vibrant and inviting on trees and crunching leaves on my feet. 

But it also feels like an ending. With a hard and trying semester almost behind me, running with my brother feels like an accomplishment. To keeping pace with each other and talking, I don't feel as out of shape or breath as I thought I might. But I do feel sore! And some of the things from these last months have made me feel tired and 'sore' too. But just like muscle soreness, there is only growth and strength from enduring hardships and pain. 

Something about running on a track, in the stillness of the darkened sky brings upon reflections and thoughts. As well as reminders of endurance, motivation and purpose. I feel a sense of accomplishment both ways. 

Blessings

 This week brought about various things. The beauty and anticipation of a new liturgical year and the Advent season is always so enriching and exciting!

Sunday was a day to recharge and relax. It helped so much since I'm so used to being busy and doing work on Sundays unfortunately. Realizing I could take a break and set aside time to work on Monday was helpful and allowed for a breather- mentally, as well as spiritually. If we give God that time, He will reward us and give us enough time to do all that we need to do.

Monday, morning confession and daily Mass at my childhood parish to mix it up and change routine and scenery. And also allow for less distractions are good too. 

Sitting near the stain glass windows and see St. John of the Cross and St. Teresa of Avila on glass windows. And remember that I was reading her book, Interior Castle and want to continue reading it.

Finishing out a big assignment and doing work on my computer for 3-4 hours. 

Coat shopping with mom for early Christmas gift, as I desperately needed warm coats. Trying on coats in the store with her and found two I liked for good prices.  

Stopped by Starbucks drive -thru and both got a hot chocolate. 

Tuesday was time with my dear sister and helping her out and spending time with her and her kids. Went for a lovely Fall walk in the morning, pushing 2 strollers and talking along the way. The beauty of the trail and being in nature - so calming and inspiring. 

Got Panera for lunch, so good! And afterwards, talked some more and read books to Santiago and held baby. Christmas decorations all aglow in her house, and the tree so beautiful with lights and ornaments. 

Wednesday, internship and just trying to get through it, and finish up the hours. Got air in tires checked. Went to help out with confirmation class in evening and enjoy being with the youth and discussing and teaching the faith. 

Thursday, woke up on the wrong side of the bed, with only negative thoughts and feelings of my internship, and basically not looking forward to it. Harder to stay inspired and focused. The biblical verse came to me- 'I can do all things in Him who strengthens me.' (Philippians 4:13) Watched episodes of The Chosen to pick me up and finish the day with some Russian language learning. 

This whole week had Russian language studies embedded into it, to keep me motivated and inspired and to keep progressing. Doing this language challenge alongside my sister to keep up the studies and do what we can each day, little by little. 

So many blessings each day this week!

Feast day of St. Andrew

 Today is the feast day of St. Andrew. I love this time of year and this feast day. We only know some things about him- that he was the brother of Simon Peter and brought his brother to Jesus, telling him that Jesus is the Messiah. Also, bringing the loaves and fish from the little boy, and Jesus performing the miracle of the multiplication of the loaves. 

There's a Christmas Novena dedicated to St. Andrew. I want to pray it this year. I believe it starts today and goes through December 24th. You pray it 15 times a day. 

In The Chosen series, I like the character of Andrew. He is humorous and is opposite in personality of his brother. He's also relatable, he gets worried and anxious easily, but also trusts deeply in Jesus. 

Today's feast day is also so close to the starting of Advent, not just a new liturgical season but also year. With St. Andrew, one of the first apostles, and bringing Simon Peter to Jesus, what better way to pray to him so he can help us draw nearer to Christ, especially during this upcoming Advent and Christmas season.

  

Abundance

 This time of year, with Thanksgiving is good to remember and recall all our blessings, the many gifts in life we don't deserve or did anything to deserve them but have them anyway from God. It's always good and appropriate to give thanks, but Thanksgiving allows us to perhaps go deeper, experience with one another and share a special meal.

I've been thinking recently of abundance. This word gives off a divine fragrance that can only be held in gratitude, optimism and trustful, humble hearts. This word rings our ears with joy, that we have and will continue to have all that we need. Again, trust.

It came forth when I went out to lunch with my mom last week, and just getting things off my mind, and off my chest. Her viewpoint was refreshing, and nothing but hopeful and positive. Pure abundance, and I wanted to carry that disposition and see life, even hard and discouraging at times, as part of the plan, the bigger plan at work. 

This growth that is formed and made in pain and difficult times allows us to witness and experience it and still claim it as good. There are abundant blessings. 

Happy Thanksgiving!! 

Boaz

 Last night, I looked back and read some of my former prayer journals. It depicted what I was thinking, experiencing, and going through. All of the challenges, sufferings, pains, unknowns and insights. And I would say it didn't just bring back strong memories but also some nostalgia I would say. I think it showcases that particular time and season- the growing pains and learning curves but also the real blessings in the moment and spiritual growth. 

One of my prayer entries, I quoted somewhere about praying for your future husband, and finding 'your Boaz'. I loved the quote and insight, so I wrote it down. The date was yesterday's date- 11/21 and I couldn't help but some see some cross over.

"Waiting for your Boaz means learning to love yourself, right where you are. Waiting for your Boaz means letting God form you into a modern-day Ruth who knows who she is in Christ...Waiting for your Boaz means preparation, it's time to prepare for wifehood and pray for your future husband and yourself."

*Boaz means strength is within him

In the evening, I was reading a book about women in the bible. The story I'm currently on is about Rahab who is a harlot but eventually marries Salmon and becomes the mother of Boaz. I thought that was interesting timing noticing that.

Yesterday morning, I wasn't so much in conversation but rather was bombarded about my personal dating life by a mere acquaintance after Mass. Long, drawn out storytelling to get to a specific point- figuring out why I'm (still) single or when I'll have children and trying to set me up with poor matches just for a charity case. It can be disheartening, frustrating, annoying, and even hurtful. Somehow, God's graces led me not to feel too much of any of those discouraging feelings. I trust He knows what He is doing and in God's unique and perfect design for my life, though I have to say somedays I experience these graces stronger than others. 

Rereading that quote last night reassured me of all the good reminders I needed- to let God form you, to love yourself and know yourself. Ultimately, cultivating joy in your life through the good and bad. The anchor of my life and heart should be in Him, and He continues to guide. 

Encountering Faith

 I realize the importance and impact of being physically present to the sacraments and elements of my faith such as Mass, adoration, etc. It just isn't the same to 'watch Mass' online or attempt to pray and envision Jesus in the Eucharist in the chapel when you're not physically there. 

When I was sick for a few days and mostly lying in bed, I missed attending Mass, praying inside a church and chapel, and receiving the sacraments, essentially receiving graces. I could feel it, the lack of, but also really missed the 'routine' even of going to Mass on a Sunday or weekday. You realize the things you miss and can easily take for granted just from being sick for a few days.

Not only was I missing this, but it also became easier to almost forget about those daily routines, and not feel as drawn to them. Again, being physically present is so essential to our human nature and actually receiving the graces bestowed upon us from God. I realized this even more so- my attitude and demeanor once I was able and healthy enough to pray in the chapel, to be physically present; it made all the difference. 

On Friday evening, I was watching an episode from The Chosen. I came to a part where Jesus is walking after a long 2 days of preaching in the wilderness. It is now evening and becoming dusk. He encounters a pharisee who is perplexed about the crowds, the situation and the teaching he has heard from the people amongst the crowd. He sees Jesus, and is stunned- his confusion, doubts up front and face to face with Jesus. Jesus invites him to pray with him a while, as Jesus on his way to a hillside to pray. The pharisee had many questions, and Jesus tells him that he may no longer have those questions once he prays with him. 

I wanted to go to adoration that evening, as it had been a long while since on a Friday. To encounter Him just liked portrayed in the scene in The Chosen, and to find him, speak to Him, and be there in prayerful silence. Ultimately, to absorb His presence. 

Cocktail Meatballs

 One of my go to dinners to make is meatballs- chicken meatballs, turkey or beef are all great! However, the recipe I made 2 two nights ago by far beat the regular steps and routine of cooking what I usually do. 

It was a bit of a different process- instead of just combining and mixing together bread, eggs, spices and the meat together, I first mixed together milk and breadcrumbs. This makes it more of a paste and a consistency to be a good layer for the rest of the recipe. And instead of a whole egg, it called for just the egg yolk. 

There was also a tomato sauce to go with that was easy to make. After you cook the meatballs, you take them out of the skillet and heat the remaining grease and oil, add the onions, chicken broth and white wine and stir, yum! I knew it would be a tasteful combination at the end. You add tomatoes and tomato sauce as well, stir and simmer and then add the meatballs for continuing cooking with the sauce. 

It was a delicious result and so much better than my standard Syrian meatball recipe. This one is definitely a keeper! 

*I used ground chicken in this dish. It originally calls for ground beef and ground pork.

Language Unexpected

 I don't know if it was the fire in the fireplace or what, but inspiration came swarming around me like honeybees that I couldn't deny or ignore. I think reading by fire light helped, but in all honesty, it was the book I was rereading, 'The Stories We Tell' by Joanna Gaines.

 I had read this book in the beginning of the year when everything feels fresh, new, and exciting with more than a dash of hope for what's ahead. It feels like you are flipping to a new page, peeling a sheer piece of clean, fresh paper. I felt like it was a good start to the new year, as there were exciting things ahead. And I was continuing with Russian study, finding an online conversation partner and studying when I could and blogging about it.

These days those times have felt long behind me. With rather challenging and hard months passed me, I've lost sight of the joy and inspiration of language study, and especially Russian. It hasn't been on my radar for quite some time and the days when it did now feel distant, obscure and from the past. But I know I've missed those times and felt nostalgia for them, remembering when there was enjoyment and for the sake of just because I wanted to. 

Like I wrote, rereading Gaines' book resurfaced those memories and inspiration for it. In some ways also, her writing style has allowed me to be honest with myself too- to remember my story with language learning and in particular with Russian. To let those true feelings of inspiration and purpose come back in full view, not to force anything but to allow for things to flow, and to just be me, with no pressure or expectation on the horizon. 

So, right after reading for a little bit, I left the fire, went to my room, pulled out my Russian textbook and notebook and picked off again where I left off. It felt nice. But more than that, it felt natural, inspiring. It was like I was opening up a part of myself I left closed or semi- forgotten for weeks on end. And the cool thing is to see progress, and I knew my interest and passion hadn't faded nor my memory of learning. That's what makes it also worthwhile, to see the process and also to notice the progress. 

*I wrote a similar blogpost on my Russian language blog, kofeynya (kofe-ynya.blogspot.com) 

Speed Dating Event

 Every time I pass by that Paris Baguette Cafe, I think about that cool, winter evening- it was Valentine's Day eve and it just happened to be a speed dating event. 

I had been in that cute cafe once before a few years prior. When I my sister mentioned to me about this event and thought I should attend, it was like I already had a slight intuition she was going to tell me something like that. She also encouraged me to think about it and go- there was nothing to lose! I try to always take that into account, the benefits of lessons learned always outweigh the risks so to speak.

Starting out 2023, I already 'make up a decision' that I was just over the dating scene and trying to intentionally meet people in that manner. I really just wanted to focus on my life right in front of me. I think I also was very exhausted with set ups that just weren't happening or working, and I was over it. But that was New Years Day talk. By February, I was becoming more open to give an event like this a chance, I guess and not take it too seriously. I also knew it wasn't a religious affiliated event, so my catholic faith and beliefs most likely weren't going to be the same with the guys I would meet- even better idea to just feel it out and learn from it. 

I was a bit nervous on the drive to this cafe. It was a rushed evening- having an early dinner, getting ready and everything, and really just seeing it as a fun event, not much more expectation. I remember I kept it somewhat casual, but a little bit dressy. I straightened my hair, wore one of my favorite pairs of jeans, favorite (and only) gray long boots, earrings/jewelry, lavender coat type blazer I recently bought, and instead of shouldering a purse, I brought a bright orange clutch. 

I thought I was late- but upon walking in, check ins were still happening, and nothing had quite yet started. I noticed guys and girls mostly sitting and waiting for the speed dating to start. One guy in particular sitting down noticed me and was just staring at me. I wasn't sure if he was with the speed dating event or not, but he seemed to be waiting around. 

Once I checked in, I was told to where to sit at table #8 and that I could order something. I ordered a strawberry smoothie. They also had treats like strawberries dipped in chocolates we could have for free and had handouts of questions we could refer to, as well as any notes we wanted to take after each speed date and whether it was a 'yes' or a 'no'. 

I didn't really prepare myself of what questions to ask perfect strangers, I just trusted that conversation could flow in the moment, and it would be pretty obvious if planned questions were needed or not. Us ladies had our own individual small tables with a number on it, and the guys would rotate to each table after 8 minutes. The guys could pick first what table they wanted to go to, essentially which girl that wanted to talk with first and the speed dating event would start from there.

I remember some of the guys from the night, or what we talked about. Sometimes the 8 minutes flew by, and sometimes it felt a bit too long or hard to know what to say exactly. Some guys had better conversational skills or asked good questions than others. A few guys seemed really nervous, and some were calmer. I was surprised that I didn't feel nervous. After each 'date' we would write any comments to remember the person, and if we were interested in getting to know them further or not. The nice thing that once the bell rang to let us know that the 8 minutes were up, it was always a pleasant transition with saying to each other 'it was nice meeting you' or 'good luck'. 

What I still think is funny is that somewhere in the middle of the event, when one of the guys came to my table and introduced himself, I immediately recognized him! He not only was the guy who as I entered was looking at me, but he was also the guy who randomly approached me while at a Starbucks on New Years Eve. So, I already knew who he was, and I started laughing when he introduced himself at my table, and I just thought it was awkwardly funny. I then said we already met and told him where (Starbucks last year), and then it clicked, and he became very excited and knew why I looked familiar. 

Once the night was over and we made our final decisions about our potential matches before handing in our papers, the guy who recognized me was somehow hovering around my table and almost waiting to see if I picked him as a match, (I didn't) and tried to talk to me further. It ended up that we had parked next to each other too lol 

Overall, it was a fun and interesting experience. (Of course, would have been better if it was Catholic related), but I did get a date out of it, and learned from it. Even if it feels it doesn't lead you anywhere, I think it's just the fact of trying something new or different, having a simple and good time because you want to. To feel confident in yourself and see what happens or what you will learn along the way! 

This is the Library...

where I grew up and remember middle school days with my sister checking out CDs and books.

where I adjusted to the feelings and rhythms of undergrad, read, studied languages and looked around for books.

where I did my ECD homework, asking for various and diverse children's books for assignments.

of summer visits to stay cool and away from the heat and look at cooking magazines and write the recipes down. 

where I studied for the English and Math CBESTs at different times and seasons, unsure of where the next steps would take me.

of requesting too many link +books or finding so many books, I don't have room for them all in my hands, but somehow in my mind. 

that gave me inspiration, purpose and hope during covid and the shutdown- still finding books on the website and able to pick up at the curbside...it was an oasis of being and working alone so often.

where I would utilize the library webpage so often throughout my workdays just to look busy, or to browse the catalog and gain inspiration and ideas, or see if my requested books came in. I never seemed to get tired of it those years working at the high school. 

of doing work and assignments for my Masters and coming on weekends or simply after work to cram in sometime for assignments and projects before dusk.

where I would come in on a weekday during my lunch break to get some 'fresh air' of inspiration, quiet and change of scenery, browse at books, or check out the ones that I requested. It was a helpful and inspiring 15 mins. 

where I currently am an intern at. The memories collide like waves on a dark, stormy night. The worlds of both patron and gaining experience library student somehow seem to merge and blend like a pen that bleeds through the page. 

___________________________________

It came to me one day after interning- I was coming out of the back room and made my way to the front of the library, where I was finding the book(s) that were on hold for me. I then had to ask for my link + books at the checkout desk.

 I was inquiry about the books I had requested to check them out. I was just a minute ago doing work for my internship in the back (looking like an employee even), and then the worlds just switched to patron again and picking up my books. I was entering/exiting both worlds seamlessly. As I walked out, the sky was growing darker and the air becoming, the moon glowing, large and bright in the sky. 

A Scapular Story

 I started wearing a scapular on the first day of the year 2020. I had always heard about it but never felt inclined to wear one. My brother's girlfriend, now sister-in-law, gifted me one for Christmas 2019 and that's when I decided to wear one for the new year. I preferred the longer ones than the shorter ones since you wear it underneath your clothes and it's easier to hide it. 

I didn't know about a blessing or being enrolled, and so I kept wearing it. By that point, it was the start of the pandemic. I heard about an enrollment blessing happening at a local parish that a priest was giving. I came right at the end and missed most of it but thought it could still be counted as valid. 

It became a regular habit to continue to wear the scapular and I hardly noticed it. I was wearing a longer one that my brother had, and it was a nice reminder of the Carmelite order and some of my favorite saints, St. Therese of Lisieux and her sisters. I also heard about a spiritual article/devotion like this to be a form of protection. 

The scapular that I was wearing was becoming more worn out and wasn't brand new when I started wearing it. It actually ripped and my mom sewed it back together. When I was in D.C. this summer visiting family, it ripped again, and I wanted to officially become enrolled on the feast day of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, but it wasn't able to happen.

While we were shopping at the Basilica Giftshop, I found many wonderful gifts for family and some for myself. One of them was a new scapular and I picked out one I liked, with one side depicting Mt. Carmel symbol.

 Once I returned back home, I went to confession and then was enrolled by the priest, and it was a long scapular. I hadn't realized since it was still in its package. It was a really healing confession and I could notice the effects of being enrolled finally and wearing this new scapular and all the graces and peacefulness from it, it was beautiful. I remember Our Lady's promised and protection from wearing the scapular, as well as a devotion with the Carmelite Order. 

Coffee and Straightened Hair

 

I came across this photo yesterday. It was spring 2018. Overcaffeinated with too much Starbucks, my sister and I were chatting it up at a cafe.  I was visiting her and her hubby at their place. She had just freshly washed, dried and straightened my hair! I loved wearing that sweater and enjoyed thrift shopping. I was happily freelance tutoring, navigating post grad life and taking ECD units and going down the path of Preschool teacher profession, or so I thought. 

Books were my life force as well as language, as I was really passionate about Arabic. Ministry wasn't so much my thing as I was tired of group functions and seeing past guys who asked me out on dates. I was though on an online dating site- as a challenge by my sister to try out for 6 months, which to me felt more like a year! Lol

But there was a lot of hope, and joy since I felt like the hard roads and days were behind me, but only for a time. By the time I turned 26 (my golden year) things didn't feel or look so much the same. Of course, I didn't know what was ahead. And I see this true for now too- there is so much unknown, and just in life in general. I wasn't sure how to continue or pursue my interests and passions all the time during that newly postgrad season. But tutoring and working with students was its own life force and would help prepare me for the next stage and season. 

2018, and especially starting in spring was when I took my faith even more seriously and closely. I started going to confession more regularly and frequently than I had before. I started (unintentionally) confessing to a regular priest as it just so happened. It was a fruitful time and attending adoration and Mass and just starting to dive deeper. I felt like I was on my own path. 

I had a lot of more memories with Susie and sharing our time together at home, ultimately our communication became better, our friendship closer and special, and expectations revealed. It was such a gifted and treasured time, more so as I've looked back these years. 

I loved watching Catholic speaker Emily Wilson's videos and found her faith and joy so inspiring and uplifting in such a secular, downtrodden world. I still enjoy listening to her words of encouragement, as another example of a young woman of faith. At that time, I burned a CD of some music, and put some audio of her talks/videos so I could listen while driving. I found that to be helpful, just navigating all that life was bringing and what I was doing. 

I remember that spring, the ministry saw the movie ' The Dating Project.' I originally heard about it on the Leah Darrow podcast and decided to go with the group to see it. It was well done and focused the problem with dating in modern society and the toxic hookup culture, as well as hope and intentionality.  One of the guys I met from that movie night got my number from my sister and asked me out for an ice cream date. (encouraged by the film to go on dates, with a purpose in mind). Here we go, another ministry date!

 I think of that time of just so much growth, and though the date wasn't great and felt misunderstood, and off with myself, it was still another (good) learning experience and to laugh at it later on. I decided to focus on my studies and language learning that ultimately gave me fuel and inspiration. 

I look to this season that I'm in now as one of so much growth and learning too! Starting to finish out my masters and my internship and figure out and navigate what's next. This photo is a good reminder to look on ahead with hope, and joy, knowing God will take care of it all. 

A Pro-Life Week

 This week has been a pro-life week. It started with hearing the homily on Sunday from the Deacon about choosing God in all things- 'Give to Ceasar what belongs to Cesar and give to God what belongs to God.' Essentially, everything belongs to God, even our very lives. He mentioned and gave examples about the Pro-Life movement, and volunteers praying outside abortion clinics for an end to abortion. Their lives and safety are at stack in some cases, those peaceful praying volunteers have been put in prison. 

This made me think and want to continue praying for the end to abortion and also be present again for the 40days for Life campaign. I wasn't sure if I would go out this week, but sure enough someone reached out to me personally if I could sign up for an hour this week, and so I did.

While listening to Sunday's homily, I thought of rereading the book, '40 days for Life' a book about miracles and hope and lives changed and transformed during the campaign and witness of people praying and sharing the truth. I started reading again after many years, 'Won by Love', a personal story about the woman who helped legalize abortion in 1973- Jane Roe, her real name Norma McCorvey, and how she became Pro-Life and against abortion. 

I also thought or relistening/rewatching the debate with Lila Rose and another woman about the topic of abortion. It was a very long podcast, but good to refresh my memory and points and arguments made about an issue that can so easily be misinterpreted, miscommunicated and misrepresented of the truths behind the facts. 

 I also thought of the movie that came out a little over 10 years ago, October Baby. It's loosely inspired by Gianna Jessen, a young lady who founds out she's a survivor of an abortion (her mom aborted her, but the procedure failed) and has health repercussions such as cerebral palsy. I watched that movie again this week and remembered seeing it in Theatres with my mom when I was in Junior College. There's a lot of extra story lines and fluff added with okay acting, but it's still a pro- life movie. 

And there's something being on the sidewalk out at 40 days for Life campaign, outside the abortion clinic, Planned Parenthood. You never know who you're going to meet, what will impact and inspire or impower you. As well as what impact you will make on others- what seed will be planted- even if you witness anger, hatred even, or just plain apathy as cars drive by. You just keep praying and hoping for God to work in the lives of the young mothers choosing abortion for their babies, for those who don't see clearly the severe and devasting impact they are doing to their child and themselves.

One of the ladies I met today, had us pray the rosary in Latin. I don't know much about the language, ither than that it's considered a dead language, but also a language of the church and of course used in Latin Masses. But the effects, the peacefulness of praying in this language was interesting, and different than praying and saying the words in English. She said it's a powerful language because it was one of the languages above Jesus in the Cross, including Greek and Hebrew as well. Also, the devil hates Latin, so even greater protection and effects. I always find it interesting to learn to pray prayers or the rosary in another language, but would never consider Latin, though I have heard it prayed before out loud before. 

October is Respect Life month, and as its wrapping up, life is still precious, and sacred. I want to continue to be knowledgeable, active and prayerful in this mission of pro-life activism. 

Number 7

 As I was in line for confession the other day, I saw behind me one of the stations of the cross. It was station number 7. I instantly thought of how the number 7 in the Catholic Church is seen as the number of perfection- with 7 sacraments, 'On the 7 day He rested', 'Forgive your brother 77 times' among other examples in the Bible.  

I then thought of how this particular station also has significance, Jesus falling the second time and getting back up again. This holds true for our lives, as especially with the sacrament of confession- getting back up again after falling into sin.  But also helping Jesus on his way to Calvary like Simon of Cyrene did- our chances to help and assist Jesus on the way, in his sufferings, and ultimately uniting ours with his, as a way to not leave him alone or abandoned. And as a way to express our gratitude, love for all he has done through his passion, suffering and torture on Good Friday. 

His Daughters'

 

When I hold my precious newest niece, it is a wonderful and special meeting. Anticipating her arrival into the world was a long wait and excitement- to hear her name and see what she would look like. When I hold her, I think of 'daughter'. I think of the meaning of daughter in how God sees us, sees me as His daughter, His child. 

Jesus tells those who meets in the Gospels, to not be afraid, or that their faith has saved them- 'Daughter your faith has saved you, go and sin no more. ' Onne of the episodes I watched of The Chosen depicted the hemorrhaging woman and how she bled for years but found no cure. Her faith was in Jesus and just touching the tassel of his garment, she knew full well that she would be cured of her suffering and ailment. Jesus first said, 'Daughter' and it struck me- it brought tears to my eyes, because that's who we are, His daughters, His children. We can easily be blind to our identity in Christ, as His beloved, as His treasures. 

When I held Araceli, she reminded me of what it means to be a daughter of God, a daughter of the King. My true identity and purpose and mission in this life is as his daughter, His precious one. This niece is precious, beloved and tenderly loved by her parents and all who've met her and who will meet her in our ever growing and expanding family. 

She teaches me to trust more and more as she so helplessly and naturally as an infant is being held and caressed into someone's arms, sleeping, and dozing into her sleepy chamber of baby dreams. 

She is God's daughter, and beloved child. We have so much in common because we are daughters of the King, the Prince of Peace who makes the sun rise and the stars shine. He asks us to trust in Him, and as only a baby can- they trust that their needs will be met, and their whines be heard. Oh, how little and precious, vulnerable and innocent they are. What a beautiful gift and reminder of our dependence and need for God as well, as His daughters'. 

Rosary Graces

 October is the month of the Rosary. I recently finished praying the 54-day rosary novena. I've noticed every time I pray in the car, such as the rosary, I feel some sort of protection. There have been a few instances where I have been protected while driving from a potential car accident. I believe it's the protection of Our Lady and my guardian angel. 

I specifically remember after going to confession one Saturday, I was driving home and praying the rosary. The light turned green for me to turn left, and as I was turning, a car was also coming straight on. It happened so fast and suddenly, I could barely make out what was happening. The car was going straight as I was turning (but I had the right of way, and the driver was driving through a red light!) I couldn't believe it, but somehow, someway we didn't crash into each other. I really felt like my guardian angel was protecting me and my car as I was turning. I could see the driver's face in disbelief and shock, her hand covering her opened mouth and feeling so bad and sorry, realizing that she was driving through a red and could have injured or rather killed me instantly. 

I was in sheer disbelief and as well as gratitude. Grateful for having gone to confession just minutes prior and also for happening to be praying the rosary in that moment. There have been other instances while on the roadway as well where I felt like it was a close accident that didn't happen due to prayers and Our Lady's protection. 

There's this car rosary my sister gifted me when she visited New Orleans, and it has an image of Our Lady protecting the roadway. I find that a beautiful reminder while driving amidst sometimes crazy drivers. 

I want to continue to pray the rosary daily, as a way to stay united and in love with Our Lady of the rosary as well as to contemplate and pray for specific intentions in our world, churches, communities and families. 

Psalm 23

"He leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley I fear for no evil for you are at my side with your rod and your staff that give me courage."

This Psalm has kept coming up. I've seen it in a book I started to reread- He Leadeth Me, as even the title is from this beloved Psalm. I'm reading a shepherd book titled, 'Your Soul's Gentle Shepherd- why you can have absolute trust in Jesus Christ'. And while reading through Gracelaced for some spiritual reset and inspiration, Psalm 23 came up again in the pages.  I couldn't help but think that I need this reminder more than I know. And it was the Psalm reading on Sunday. 

Jesus is our shepherd, our guide. How easy it is to lose sight sometimes when we feel like we are 'in control' of our lives or need to figure things out on our own. Jesus is our guide, our Father and shield. We are the sheep he gathers, takes care of and loves till the end. 

A Library Year

 This whole year of 2023 has been focused on libraries. Ever since New Years Day, or even a few days prior, I was intentionally seeking some sort of experience in libraries. By the second day of the new year, I applied for a program with a research proposal on a certain Marian topic. I would be doing research and writing a paper for a few weeks in Dayton, Ohio. This was after I decided in winter that the Paris program didn't feel like the right thing for me- a week or so in the city of lights looking at and comparing libraries. Something about international travel, the paperwork, the expense and just the deeper uncertainty gave me deeper insight to not go through with it. 

By January, I was getting more antsy and anxious to do something about gaining experience. With my coworker's encouragement and help, found a job sighting with a public library that seemed intense for my schedule but also like a good way to get my foot in the door. By the time I was about to continue applying for it, it disappeared and seemed someone else applied quicker than I had. That left me feeling discouraged (again). 

 In February, I was becoming more nervous about prospects. One early morning, while I was driving to Mass, the idea just came to me like a light bulb- but it was really the Holy Spirit who lighted the way. It was interesting because it clicked instantly, and it gave me excitement and peace- to volunteer at a local library that I was going to be a book reviewer for the year prior but then forgot about it. I also remembered there were in person volunteers, even if it was for teens, but I didn't care because I was desperate to land something to get my foot in the door.

So, I started doing that and went after work only about 2 or 3 times but met some people and learned basic skills like shelving and weeding and programs going on in the library. One of the librarians told me there was a joint program with my university for an internship and I could apply for that. I was thrilled to hear that and knew it was providence that led me there. 

But as spring came around, I still hadn't heard of anything from the Dayton program. March came around, and still nothing. I also took a break from volunteering as my schedule was constantly busy, eventful and exhausting. I felt I could really only focus on my demanding classes and my job. 

By April, I was thinking of what was ahead in terms of my plans for Summer and Fall. Would I still be at my same job? Would I be doing something else, like finally landing an internship? Only God knew, but I felt in a perpetual state of being in a standstill and not knowing. I had desires to move on but not sure where or how, I would have to keep praying and trusting. 

I applied for a summer internship late March for the same library I volunteered at, not sure if I missed the deadline, but it was worth a shot. I got a response later that they already had somebody for Summer but if I wanted to, I could apply for an internship with them for the Fall. So, although I wasn't fully sure of public libraries, it still was worth the experience of an interview if nothing else. 

The busy school year ended, and then I had my interview just a few days later. I was nervous and felt like my mind was in a big cloudy mess after confusion, disappointment and uncertainty, also for the future. I didn't feel settled and knew I didn't do a good job. This 'failure' would lead to the interview I had and internship I have now at a library that I'm familiar with. 

In August, right when my internship was starting and in September I shadowed Academic librarians at my local junior college- the place where a little seed was planted where I was only briefly to start thinking about becoming a librarian. Academic librarianship looked a lot different than I had imagined and questioned if it was really for me and fit my interests and skills. 

 I came back to that library that I volunteered and interviewed with the first time for a staff day recently and I feel like I have come full circle. I've learned a lot more about public libraries and getting hands on experience. I remember those February afternoons tediously shelving in the children's section and hopeful for entering into this space- so different and rather opposite from the noise and chaos of the classroom.

 I wouldn't have imagined where I am now and being at a staff day with all these library people and trying to see myself in it or imagine where I fit in to all of it. I guess that's where I am- seeing what's my path, where is this all headed and these experiences. But for now, I just want to be grateful and let it all sink in and see all God has done with his hand, leading me to where I'm meant to be. 

Fortitude

 I've been thinking about fortitude a lot. Some days, I question how to get through the hard parts or how I did it before in months or years past. I recall how I was able to cultivate and make things my own, and actually make the hard parts more bearable, even enjoyable. There's a sense of responsibility but also accomplishment when you can dig deep- like a well searching for and scraping for water- and make the experience rewarding, memorable and even inspiring.

I've been thinking about that recently- how to make my experience currently enjoyable, inspiring and even rewarding. I feel that I am so hard on myself, and idealistic that I forget all the good things, how I've adjusted and adapted and landed something and learning a lot all at once. It isn't at all easy, but it's also easy to forget what I have been doing well. 

So, when I gave a talk to the confirmation students the other night about Fortitude, it resonated with me again. I also talked about St. Bernadette and how she models this virtue well. I can't help but see the deep connections- I did a Marian consecration that ended on the feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes a few years ago. St. Bernadette saw this apparition of Our Lady. The parish where I prayed out front once the consecration ended has a grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes with St. Bernadette, and this is the same parish where I am a catechist. God doesn't overlook the details. 

But fortitude is so important and essential in our lives and spiritual lives. I see the fruits of it from past years and experiences but feel I always need to cultivate and renew it again as we are always growing, and the seasons of our lives change. 

I love the symbolism of this virtue- also known as courage or endurance, as I think of running or a runner who's not stopping and sees the end goal and wants to finish the race. 

I've had this in my own ways many times with my program- usually tired, burnt out, and even discouraged and doubtful of where it will all lead. Or just waking up and starting the day, but instead just wanting to sleep in and get a late start instead. 

There are so many ways and scenarios of fortitude/endurance/courage that present themselves. Giving this talk makes me more aware of it in my own life, circumstances and cheering myself on with God's grace and help instead of focused on the pitfalls or discouraging parts that the evil one only wants me to see. 

Jasmine Flowers

 It feels like an ending of a season but also a beginning of a new one. Summer is over and that's when my schedule was more open and available to babysit for my sister with all her many appointments for her pregnancy. It came at a good time for me too because I was able to serve and do something different than what I was doing before. I felt that time slowed down a lot in summer, for good, and a chance to catch my breath, think, process and heal. 

Being with dear Isaac and Santiago brought a source of freshness with their lively energy, childhood innocence and cuteness. It was an internal growing season for me but one that didn't lack fruit.

It all started when I was highly emotional, and just mentally exhausted and discouraged and my sister took me to a local Starbucks, and we sat outside on a sunny Saturday afternoon. I lamented and cried to her, and it was very therapeutic. It was right at the cusp of summer, and I felt like I was walking on rocky ground. Things felt topsy turvy and adjusting to this new season and schedule and figuring things out was really hard. 

I noticed while we were outside, the beautiful plants and vines wrapped around the pillars and the jasmine flowers. Everything was green, and mid-June had a summer feel in the air. I thought of Our Lady and how she said yes to God's plan with trust and joy and those flowers made me enter into hope, trust and joy when it was at times difficult to adopt. It was the start of new growing pains, realizations, and struggles but also learning and discovering. 

I remember that moment, her listening to me, reassuring and comforting me to be so pivotal.  I felt heard, seen, validated but also it was the start of a whole new chapter that felt different than before during the school year and needed to enter more into my faith and look ahead and not so much behind me. 

Monday was the last appointment my sister had before her baby girl is due! These months and weeks have flown by in some ways and regular babysitting and having a lot of quality time with Isaac was so special. His little personality coming through, his likes and dislikes, trying to talk, and his sweet laughter helped with the healing in the early summertime and giving of my time in that way. Now a new little one is soon on her way! 

Fall Reading Inspiration

I'm starting to reread 'Digital Minimalism' by Cal Newport and reflecting on using less social media. Last night, there was an urge to use social media since I was feeling tired and just wanted to relax, but instead I decided to read.

 I got into the 2 book club books I'm reading that are middle school reads.  And I know that it made me more relaxed but also more energized as well as more tired. Something about using a screen in the later hours into the evening can make me feel less inspired, more awake before bedtime and less productive.

I was able to get into the storyline and characters of the books I'm reading and totally lost track of time. But I could tell I was enjoying it and was getting immersed into it. 

It makes me think of Fall, how time seems to slow down a bit. The wind can pick up, but there's a stillness in the air- changing leaves, faded sunlight, sitting pumpkins. 

The harvest moon came out last night and I saw it this morning- so big and visible. Activities like reading can bring about certain realizations of how we're using our time, our motives, stillness and diving more into creative elements like our imagination. 

Feast of the Archangels

 Today is the feast of the Archangels. I find such comfort and connection in them. 

My dear sister named her three boys' middle names after them, so beautiful!

My nephew and Godsons' middle name is Miguel, and Rafael.

One of my favorites, if my not my favorite Mission is Mission San Miguel near the Central Coast.

The parish I go to is St. Michael's.

I have a medal I chose from the National Shrine of the Basilica in D.C. of St. Raphael that I am wearing today- and I found out St. Rapheal is one of my sister's guardian angel's name. 

I got confirmed at St. Michael's with my sweet sister. 

A random memory, our confirmation sponsor got married on today's feast day at St. Michael's that my sister and I attended 11 years ago!

____________________________________________

I took a photo of the display after Mass, and a lady wanted to take my photo with it- she told me to put my hands like that. 

Mission San Miguel

Brothers-in-Law

 I have 4 brothers-in-law and each of them are so different and unique from the other. I was recently reflecting upon this and my distinct memories of them- some have been in the family longer than others and some I've had more time with. However, they are all special because they are a husband to a sister. I am blessed. 

Ryan

His energy and humor come out and various times. He's passionate, strong, direct and his middle name is sarcastic. He is smart, attentive to detail and enjoys politics for the most part, and other parts tolerates it. He loves his sweets, ice cream and big parties, social gatherings and dramatic events.  I enjoyed visiting him, my sister and their family this past summer for a week. It was very special to have more quality time with them. 

Colin

An intellectual, a reader and lover of learning. He is curious about many topics and is passionate about ministries, book clubs, wine/beer and Gregorian chant.  He is a hard worker and a quick learner. He is an introvert by nature and a great host, hosting several baptism parties at his house. And this past year, the 4th of July- that was so special and fun! 

Salvador

A true giver, asking good follow up questions, and always thinking of other people and ways he can help. He is very smart and a hard worker. His positive and optimistic energy about his work, family and life are truly inspiring. He loves his Salvadorean food and always ready to share or make it from scratch. Have hosted many family gatherings and events, and always feeling welcomed, and encouraged when I'm with him and my sister and their family. 

Ricardo

He is lighthearted, relaxed and has a good attitude about many things that would be hard for others. He is a hard worker, hopeful and a good solver of problems. He has funny stories to share and keeps the mood light and fun. He loves his Paraguayan tea that helps reduce stress and brings calm to the senses. I enjoyed staying over and visiting with him, my sister and their baby girl recently.

Less is More

 With not using social media and not actively scrolling and utilizing platforms such as YouTube primarily and occasion Instagram, I can think easier. I notice less brain clutter, more mental space and room for creativity, and originality.

Just the other day, I was thinking about Chinese and reviewing it again. It's been so long since I've been active with it and used it, but I still have my roots in it and recall what I've learned years ago. Just the stillness of this thought, this idea would not have come about if I was too distracted on social media. 

And I can also review with books, not necessarily audio or on YouTube though that can be helpful. I also notice that there are less distractions when I just want to listen to an audio on YouTube such as Bishop Robert Barron talks and really just hear what he's saying and enter into it when I want some spiritual content.

There are more ideas for books. I have around two stacks from the library alone and perhaps it's the season of Fall or just feeling ambitious and inspired with rereading good reads. 

I want to enter more into this silence, trying to be more intentional and create more in good thoughts, praying, writing, reading, etc..

Autumn Musings

 Fall is in the air, and it feels like Autumn is giving me a big hug. It wraps its arms around me by remembering past Fall memories so distinctly. The lighting feels more nostalgic, and a dim hew, the leaves on certain trees are starting to change to golden and reds. And I am reminded this is my favorite time of year! 

There is anticipation on the air for what's ahead- October, pumpkins, Halloween, November chill, rains, sweater and scarves and Thanksgiving, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie and pumpkin spice latte. I ordered my first pumpkin spice today and, it's a warm welcome to the season. 

Memories of being a university student at my college and even if classes were hard, busy, and I didn't have much of a social network, Fall was always a happy anticipation. I felt like I could enter into my own world and make things better- ideas and inspirations would come to me easier and creating Fall lists. While at the library, books would jump out at me and the November rains hitting against the windowpane would add for a quiet and still reflection. 

Crafts would speak to me more- baking and cooking recipes with distinct Fall ingredients or creating a scarf with beautiful colored yarns. 

I remember working in that classroom alone during the pandemic and though some days were brought with a heavy hardness, I tried to make it my own and embrace that Fall that had its own thorns of transition. 

One year, going to Apple Hill and trying the best apple cider donut. Studying languages and reading in coffee shops, even amidst all the required readings for my classes. Last year, it was Russian, one year it was Arabic, another Hebrew, and sometimes I feel like I've come full circle with starting to review Chinese again. 

Fall brings about something new despite the season of harvest, transition and closing out of greenery, heat and summer. Each year brings about something different, some new growth, realization, spiritual strength and growth.