January Newness

 That language video from mid-January 2017. Winter chill, gloominess yet we were wearing shirts with cut out sleeves. Our lives were so different though still connected with language studies and continuing to make it our own in our unique seasons. 

So many memories flooded to my memory upon watching that video. I recognize my Chinese level hasn't changed much, but also my passion and interest for Chinese has subsided and slowly faded away from the focus I used to have. 

If I'm honest, I would say that it was a rather hard and daunting season. I was beyond ready to finish up my studies, meet new friends and create some sort of meaningful friendships and at times had a hopeless romantic mentality and was would soon be on CM to meet people and potentially quality guys, another way of putting myself out there. 

Mostly though, I was lonely, severely lonely. At school, without my dear sister near me at home, in my head a lot and doing my hobbies on my own. I also had a big desire to find a job outside of tutoring or volunteer to serve and get outside of myself. 

It was a growing season- lots of growth and change. But language was an anchor, a life force and one of the many ways my sister and I connected. 

I don't feel much different in some ways- language is still an inspiration to me and my life and my goals! Though the languages have changed throughout these years, my heart feels the same with them. 

In some ways too, I think of that time as a blessing, with the rawness, the learning curves, adapting more time and relationship with Susie and Elisabeth. But mostly, I don't miss that time. There was just so much going on and happening internally, there were thorns that were being brought into my life.

It was a time of figuring things at and trying to be hopeful amidst the pain and suffering. 

The idealistic thoughts, ideas helped when things were just plain hard. But I see myself as young, not yet knowing fully what I would do, or how things would look. I see myself as still growing in my faith, and just at a different phase in my life. 

It was also when my sister gave me the idea of starting up my own channel and making videos, as a potential way to form community, and serve as an outlet. How much my focus for making videos has changed but also adapted in its own way and outlet these past years. 

The good, the bad, the challenges, pain, unknowns, creativity, the questions all come back to me from watching that video.