The Clouds Breakthrough

The alarm sounded and I felt utterly exhausted mentally and sleep deprived. Using my phone right before bed wasn't a good idea, even if it was for a somewhat 'good' purpose, looking up the French actress Marion Cotillard for inspiration with the language. I was trying to maximize my social media use on Sunday, the day of rest, but surely wasn't the best idea before hitting the pillow. And to be honest, Sundays in Lent can feel not always as restful and intentionally prayerful as they should be! Those habits are powerful and sometimes the week can just take you for a spin and trying to regroup yourself.

Well, I ended up being and feeling awake for a chunk of the early morning hours. And my thoughts began to wander, and to be honest my heart became kind of heavy and downtrodden. Thinking about the present, the future, the past. Reminiscing about 2 years ago, when I was working solely and just a trying and difficult time and how much I learned and gained from it in the end though- perseverance, strength, hope. 

How easy it is to compare others' journeys and timelines to your own. Remembering the details when my siblings got engaged, and I was in the same spot, actually harder because it was a new, heavy cross that had emerged and felt at times unbearable. 

My heart has ached numerous times, a depth I can't fully describe nor feel words can ultimately express for what God has placed there these past couple of years. Sometimes it brings me to tears, frustration, doubt, sensitivity. Other times, I just live with it, and it doesn't really impact or phase me to the core. So many ebbs and flows. 

But last night was one of those nights, where I was contemplating and thinking about a lot. Feeling a source of melancholy, and deep unknowns for what's ahead, God's timing and plan. I wonder. I keep trying to trust.

So, waking up this morning I felt sleep deprived, yes, but also not certain if I was ready for another day and week. It's been hard to fully gain the renewed vigor and energy, inspiration I need. Perhaps it's the routine, environment- its good- but need that refresh and change every once in a while. 

I was surprised that though I wasn't fully prepared mentally for the day and rushing a bit, I was trying to instill a good attitude and positive words. And actually, the routine helped. It didn't so much feel like another day and just getting by, but rather the routine and predictably helped me to settle in and start again. Becoming grateful for my job, for the routine, since I needed that sturdiness when it was rocky.

I had to take this photo right when I parked and got out of my car. The sky, the breakthrough of the clouds depicts hope and a promise for a beautiful day, whatever it will hold.