Overflowing

 I was standing in the aisle where I usually am, amidst the stack of books. I needed a breath, or two. I needed time to reflect, to pause on what just happened. It was a good feeling, and I instantly felt flooded with a deep peace, and a stirring of joy. I still couldn't believe it. I was thanking God in my heart, full of awe and gratitude. 

I have at times felt like I was going in circles. And that sinking feeling that nothing is working out, everything seeming nearly impossible, super competitive and hard to get. The many, many months, endless it seemed, of searching, thinking, and praying. Rather, it had been nearly 2 years since my mind has been focused tediously, worried and, questioning about this. But that day, all those fears, and unknowns faded away, disappeared rather, because I finally landed an internship for my program! 

 Slowly, ever so slowly, God was lifting my hands and ungrasping them, as tight as they were. I had and was grasping tightly, to be in control, to make things happen, to make waves. But it still didn't seem good enough. 

I remember talking to my sister on the phone, and declaring how hard and competitive it was to gain experience. There was no comparison with the teaching field, I declared. This was something else, harder almost and more niche. But I recalled a beautiful saying/demeanor from one of my favorite speakers and youtubers, that this was God's. It belonged all to Him, what He wanted me to do with it, how He would be using me, and ultimately His plan with my Masters program and gaining experience. I was trying to surrender and remember that this wasn't of my doing, but His, as I was saying to her over the phone. And somehow, someway, he would show me what He wants me to do, and where to go. 

Before my interview, I didn't feel nervous at all, and didn't think much of it, but just to go through with the interview. I vividly recalled a scene from the Gospel, and as depicted in The Chosen, when Simon and the disciples are out fishing all night, with nothing to show for, no fish have been caught in their nets. They are deeply discouraged, exhausted, hopeless. 

The TV series, The Chosen expands this scene and expert from the Gospel and you get to see more imagery of the whole experience for them, and especially Simon. You also clearly see the awe, joy, and deep gratitude of when everything is turned around, and they meet Jesus on the shore. (Simon not knowing/fulling recognizing who He is). Simon heavily doubts Jesus' words and commands to throw out their nets for a catch, even with no success many hours earlier. Simon obeys but is skeptical. Jesus has something for him at the last moment, when Simon and the others would clearly give up. Jesus isn't late, but rather on time, and on time for when Simon is ready to let Jesus do the work- after Simon trying so hard with no avail, and Jesus has the nets bursting with fish, overflowing in abundance after he tells Simon what to do. 

That's what I was thinking about right when I left for my interview, and that's how I felt interiorly, spiritually- letting The Holy Spirit, and Jesus work through me. If it's His will, all will work out anyway. I am ever so grateful, and excited for this new opportunity and experience!