Bittersweet

 

This year was unlike any other. But then again, what year is exactly like the other? 

-I finished and got my Masters degree

- I did something I've wanted to do for a long time, do a Paint Nite!

-I volunteered with my public library for the Literacy program, (also something I've wanted to do for a while.)

-I went on a road trip down south, all the way to Pasadena with my parents, and saw lots of Missions on the way. :)

-I went on two Confirmation retreats 

- I gained a nephew, and found out I'll have another nephew and niece coming 2025 :)

-I saw 4 movies in theatres (That is very rare, maybe I only see about 1 every other year, depending.)

-I went on a long-distance blind date

-I read 53 books!

-I knitted a scarf

-I attended Jury Duty and actually liked it.

-I went to a woman's ministry group

-I created a Chinese language learning blog:) 

-I got my blood checked for a sugar blood test (which is always hard/scary for me)

- I worked with students again

-I got sick 4 different times

-I got and used the Hallow app

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I wonder what 2025 will bring.  All in God's will.

 Happy New Year!!

Farewell December

 This month has slipped passed me. It is always busy, fluttering with activities, to do's, spiritual enrichment, and desperately seeking vacation. This month was also a fun writing challenge with my sister.

 I didn't succeed too well as the days and weeks got busy or just felt like a blur in the winter fog and tiredness. My inspiration felt like a lull, and barely a creak when I woke up sleepy eyed and not very energized, coffee attempted. 

Somehow, the weeks after Thanksgiving felt the hardest and longest. I love Advent and Christmas time, but it can be rather challenging to set priorities and make time for everything. To feel on time with gifts, spiritually mature and ready for Christ's coming, dodging sickness and the hustle and bustle. There are high expectations that we simply put on ourselves. Sometimes being sick makes us pull back, reflect, recompose and realize what truly matters during this holy season. 

Like this year, I unfortunately wasn't able to go to Christmas Eve/Christmas Day Mass due to feeling sick and under the weather with a low-grade fever and sore throat. I read the scripture readings and sang some Christmas carols to myself in bed. I truly felt plans had changed just like they did for Mary, and Joseph when "there was no room for them in the inn." 

I feel I am finally catching up, to myself, to this holy Christmas season, and the cusp of the new year and reflecting and closing out this one. I'm excited for 2025 and anticipating what God will do this upcoming year. 2024 had a lot of curve balls, hard and anxiety filled moments, emotion and tears, but also spiritual growth, awe, laughter and creative endeavors. 

Last night, I redecorated my room. It was like I had almost forgotten how it feels to create something with my hands, to get in that creative flow and forget about time. Ideas felt limitless. I simply lost sight of all that weighed me down before that made me dry up like a desert inside. It felt evergreen. 

Hello Cozy

 

This is the mini poster I made about a year ago for my internship. A year ago, I completed my final hours for it, and it felt like it would never end. It was like a waterfall, water pouring continuously like a strong storm, and not stopping any time soon. The water crashing in waves with full force, felt like how it was for me, being tossed, and slapped with icy cold sheets. Being relieved and happy that it was all soon to be over were understatements. 

I remember distinctly feeling protected from the remaining hours when the book club at the school ended and I had to drive back to finish my hours at the library. Such drudgery I thought, but I've endured this far.

What actually happened was the librarian who was with me couldn't start her car once exiting the school. It was her car battery. We had to get the school librarian to call a teacher to help us with installing jump cables, and that took up more time. I didn't want to leave her, I mean I would want someone to be with me if my car battery was dead. So that took up a portion of the time, yayy! I thought. 

And with only about an hour in a half left at the library, it wasn't too bad and felt like I knew what to do- fix a book display and organize and put away books, nothing new really. What I didn't know was that there was going to be a surprise party for me since it was my last day. 

The librarian with the car trouble finally came back and told me about this party that wasn't going to happen after all and instead gave me the sparkling cider bottles. I was relieved, with one less awkward thing to endure. God and my guardian angel were protecting me. 

This image of the poster above was actually a mistake one that I didn't use for the display but I printed it out to see how it would look near my cubical like desk. It was hidden in the corner, facing the back parking lot, and then my desk was switched near the clock on the wall. I could always hear it tick, often slowly. I think the only thing I added to the mini poster was a candy cane for the final look. 

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I was walking in the dark, chilly November evening. It didn't feel like Fall anymore, but rather like the heart of winter. I felt like my heart was aching, in pain not from the sheer cold, but from my internship. I was walking passed the Christmas tree that was up and all lit for the holiday festivities, but it didn't feel like it. 

I was ruminating on the uncomfortableness of it all- what the librarian said to me, as we were sitting right next to each other at our desks. 'That's bizarre' is all that I had ringing in my head. Almost trying to laugh, or let out a sigh, a breath that was suffocated for far too long inside me while walking past the shimmering lights and glass ornaments in the tall tree. The icy, cold air could taste my breath as it was lit. 

I was hurt, annoyed, confused. 'That's bizarre' she said about my idea for a book display that sounded ridiculous, yet in my mind she said I could do whatever I wanted, she was open. I interpreted it as literally anything. 

I'll admit, the idea wasn't holiday or Christmas inspired or even the typical winter themed display you'd naturally think of for December. Instead, I chose U.S. Presidents, and I found a lot of books about Presidents so it should have been pretty easy. But 'That's bizarre' kept echoing in my head. 

Why does everything have to feel so hard and unnatural for me? I thought, as I was brisk walking to get away, to go to my car, to think, to be free. To do anything but spend any extra minute than what was unnecessary inside there. 

It was the feast of St. Andrew, and my mom was having another surgery for her cancer. I would have dinner alone that night. I tried to let it dissipate into the icy air and be sent to God like incense, taken away from me, to regain my peace, on the few eves before Advent. 

Make Room

 

I've had this notebook for 7 years. It's actually a ripped-out page inside that I liked, and perfect for the Advent season. The notebook is actually a devotional for Advent that I used those years ago. Why have I kept it? Because if you're anything like me, I find a need or think that there may be a need in the future. 

Last year I did use it since the days and timing of Advent synced exactly as it did in this notebook. Glad I kept it; I thought to myself. 

This quote from Our Lady depicted in the Gospel of Luke 1:38, surrounds the Advent season, and prior as emulating Mary being obedient, willing, and in love with God's will, fully open and receptive to His will. Without it, we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas. We wouldn't be blessed with Jesus' human presence on earth. 

So, it's the first Sunday of Advent. A new liturgical year and season. What grace bestows and waits for us, this year, this season, this Advent, and Christmas. 

I'm currently listening to Casting Crows- 'Make Room' and stumbled upon it last year right before Christmas day, busy wrapping presents. The song gave me such peace and contentment amidst cutting, taping, organizing and knowing it would be a different and quieter Christmas.

 It still gives me this peaceful stillness, hope and a warm invitation. "Is there room in your heart? Is there room in your heart for God to write His story?" Mary did just that, and it's for us to make space, room for God in our lives and especially in preparation for Christmas. 

Looking at Gratitude

 Thanksgiving. A word we use often, but a holiday that comes once a year. Thanksgiving, full of meaning, imbued with gratitude, receiving and reflection. A time to pause, to consider all that we have been given and blessed with. In the Mass, the word 'Eucharist' -Jesus' body, means Thanksgiving. 

I came to think of a card I received earlier this year- in response to a 'thanksgiving' message. The people (or person) from my internship meaning to thank me for my time at the library. The front of the card was decked out in fall decor, namely a shape of a leaf with orange glitter inside. I ended my internship in late Fall last year (early December), so it was fitting, even if I received the card a bit later once the new year had already started. 

It may seem strange to be thankful for something that was painful or hard. However, we can learn a lot about ourselves and grow in significant ways when this happens. Also, we can become closer to God and grow deeper in our faith. My internship was one of these times, and parts of this year too. 

I think of the year in a general sense, scanning the calendar year like a children's picture book. But what I miss are the details, it could be the colorful drawings, the characters, the humor, the main message, etc. I've done the same for this year of 2024. I've overlooked major pieces. The good, the many blessings and graces, the beautiful, glorious, funny, and inspired times; they're still there too, all wrapped up in God's book, God's story. I just need to remind myself of them a bit more, a bit longer.

And what helps with doing this is going through photos. This week, I 've been saving photos from this year and a few years past to eventually print out. That's when the beauty comes in full view of what happened, what has happened, and sheer proof of it. It could be simple like a beautiful flower, or a family photo or a milestone event like my Master's graduation. They are all big and purposeful in the eyes of God. 

There is something sweet that comes from crosses, in which God shows you not only a sense of personal or spiritual growth, but also a piece of His cross that becomes joy.

Mission San Juan Bautista in February

Right outside Mission San Buenaventura in July

Hunger Games

 It seems I associate this book with a certain time in my life. It comes back to me like a strong sense of smell hitting my olfactory bulb, yet it's my memory instead that has carved out Fall 2012 like a heart in a tree. I recall all the memories coming back to me of where I was, my schedule, and who I was friends with second year into Junior College. I had borrowed this book from a friend in student government, and it was all the rage. 

'The Hunger Games' is what I am referring to, and the students at my school are starting to read it so I'm reading it along with them. I've seen the movie of course when it came out but have forgotten some of the details. 

Upon reading this book again after a little over a decade, I recall what I learned from a spiritual talk I went to recently. One of the ways the evil one gets control, the speaker declared and has influence is through government. Think of Communism, Nazism, etc... These were all purely evil (do those words cancel each other out?). 

With the book, 'The Hunger Games', I realize even more so a corrupt and vicious government only seeking selfish gains, or worse, pure torture for its citizens speaks to this fact and nature of the fallen angel's influence. Of course, it's a work of fiction, but it questions the role of government and what is good entertainment versus entertainment to another's harm or worse, death. 

This book is entertaining, hooking you from the beginning, with a dystopian feel. Written in first person from the main character, Katniss' s perspective, she's also seen as a heroine, a rebel, a nonconformist to the rules of how future North America, now called Panem dictates and rules their citizens with the hunger games. I remember I had a classmate in Math that year who would always say the line from Hunger Games or write it at the end of her emails- 'May the odds be ever in your favor'.

Various things come back to me reading this book again. It's not a classic by any sense of the word, but it's picked to read for the students, and with it for me at least. wrapped up with all the things I've learned and grown all these years in between. 

God Saw It All

 Making a visit like we always do brings back our daily ritual from when we were in high school. Though the time spent at the old church that exudes peace, quiet, stirrings of young adult memories and Christmas Mass, and many rosaries is closer still. God saw that and was appreciative, even smiled. Reliving the old days, and even recent past years of going to a Starbucks, and not usually talking too much but working or reading, writing, or even consciously wondering deep down where our lives were headed and where God was calling us to on our paths. 

She would be working on her credential work or studying for tests, and I would be studying in my own way- languages, reading and jotting down notes, putting my thoughts and feelings down with the pen doing cursive like loops on the paper and having no rush at all.  

But this time, there were no distractions. No work to be done. No computers to block our view of each other or screens to indulge in. We were sitting in the exact same seats as we were on that dreary, wet March 2020, stumbling to grasp the news of Covid-19 and the ominous feeling of it all. I remember it well. All we had today though were the drinks in front of us, and the memories and the eagerness and desire to catch up in real life, and even go back a few months to get back on track.

What happened a few months ago? Did I ever tell you this?, or what I was feeling or going through?  Where to start when life seems to stop, or barely pause for its own breath, when you're trying to do the same with your sweet sister. Maybe, just maybe the baby in her womb could hear our breaths, time stop and just listen and talk, and laughs on repeat. 

Old Carpet, New Carpet

 The smell of the new carpet not only makes the room appear bigger but also feels fresh and clean. We haven't had new carpet since I was in middle school. I remember it was in summertime.

All we could see were the wooden floor and panels, as the old and weathered brown carpet peeled off its memories before the pink carpet was placed. It was like it was naked, and some of my sisters and I were dancing to John Mayer, and I could hear the wood creak a little. It was fun to dance on wood. 

Life was simple, it was either before or the summer after my oldest sister got married. We were listening to a CD my sisters had burned, and I don't know why John Mayer comes to mind, with specifically his lyrics, 'So much sacred in the month of June.' 

Now I look back and think about how that pinkish rose carpet has served us through all the events, holidays, gatherings, cat paws roaming and scratching, babies crawling and being changed, chats and conversation, listening and singing and piano playing. Surprise stains that wouldn't come off from Thanksgiving or Christmas meals, or muddy shoes.

 I walk in the door, and it smells fresh, and brand new. 

An Aroma of Memories

 I didn't know how to make coffee. I was thinking about this funny and interesting fact as I was making coffee 2 mornings ago. 

I remember I was working at a fast-food restaurant and working at the register. Someone asked for coffee, and I had to make it, but I didn't know how. I realized I wasn't taught how or it just was supposed to know how. I don't remember how long that man had to wait for his coffee, until perhaps someone else made it for him. It was awkward, it was cringe worthy, and like the job itself, it felt hard and unnatural for me in an endless noisy, busy, and crowded environment. 

Funny enough, I came back to that same workplace 2 evening s ago (the same day I was thinking about that coffee story) for a young adult social. I hadn't stepped into that place since I worked there, a little over 9 years ago! Of course, all the memories flooded back, but mostly remembering being the one on the other side of the counter taking orders and preparing drive-thru drinks. 

The true desires of my heart to work with students was present during those busy and anxiety inducing work shifts, but I learned so much about myself, and challenged myself in ways I wouldn't expect, that still come back to me all these years later, while enjoying a burger and some fries. :)

Pedicured Nails

 My pedicure has grown out extensively. It's been 5 months since my graduation from my Masters and getting my nails done, and so much has happened it feels.

Just like the paint getting off, and my nail's growth to make the pedicure no longer fresh and new, so too does that time of graduating feel distant. I remember walking up those steps to receive my diploma and so elated and joy filled that the day had finally come, and everything was officially over, and it was a new beginning. 

My program too feels quite distant, and I must admit, a blur. It was all pretty demanding, busy, and exhausting. So, to be honest, I don't think about it too much and am glad it's behind me. And in some ways, that feels normal. My life and schedule look and feel different and all the in between to get here now. 

The path didn't look clear or super simple, mostly hazy and uncertain of what was next. I felt that I was mostly in my head and doing what I had to do, but not fully preparing or wanting to for what was to come. My heart and intuition were telling me other things- of what I was naturally good and gifted at, and what gave me peace and joy. 

Listening to my inner self and voice wasn't easy though, since that came with critical thoughts and doubts from me. I had to trust and accept. The reality didn't make sense, but the past did and what worked and made sense to me, even if not to others was what I kept coming back to. 

So, I don't think about that time too much, yet my toenails remind me. And other memories can creep back up, yet still mostly a blur, a set time and season, realizations and growth. 

My Grandpa

 This past week was my late Uncle's birthday. This week also was when I received in the mail the memory book of my Grandpa that my dear sister created. I was so looking forward to seeing it.

It brought back some memories, but mostly it gave me more insight and knowledge into who he was, his life, his personality, his childhood, his hardships such as later in life losing his wife and living alone for 10+ years. Or working at the same company for nearly 40 years! 

My Grandpa had a lot of endurance and grit, that sometimes I think is lost these days. When things come too easy, and the various options we have compared to back then, people's values and motives are a lot different. 

I feel that my Grandpa had a heart of gold. He had so much fortitude and was a man of the highest caliber and character, par excellence. He practiced his faith and that's what kept him going in the later years of his life. He suffered loneliness, and health issues, but never wavered. I recall from memories and photos of him that he always had a smile on his face. 

His name meant 'God is my judge'. What a profound reminder and way to live your life- that only loving and living for God matters in the end. His life was a model of this. 

True Beauty

 Ever since I was in high school, I enjoyed watching make-up videos. Tutorials of someone doing their make-up step by step. I loved seeing the process, the technique and the 'transformation' of the look.  In our society, its common to associate make up with beauty. If you wear make-up it can highlight, emphasize your natural beauty. Sometimes of course, it can be too much make-up and hide one's natural beauty. 

But what happens when one doesn't wear make-up? Does it make them less beautiful? No. And sometimes even the contrary. I think of St. Mother Teresa, a joyful, selfless, delicate nun who radiates mercy, and is beautiful. No make-up. 

This past week I watched a video of a byzantine nun. She was wearing a simple, all black habit. She was so beautiful, radiant and joyful. She didn't need any make-up because for the love of God and others was not only showing her youthfulness but also her deep peace and evident interior and exterior beauty. 

This somewhat contrasted the week prior when I felt so burnt out mentally, that all I could do was use YouTube to help with mind numbing. It was interesting and therapeutic to watch make-up tutorials from actresses Eva Longoria and Hilary Duff, and how they do their make-up. But of course, they have the means to afford all the 'essentials', and in the end it makes them look quite perfect. 

And then it got me thinking, is that true and authentic beauty? To wear layers of make-up and false eye lashes? No, not at all. I think back to the Byzantine nun, Sister Natalia her name is, and it was so refreshing. It highlighted true beauty in an authentic, spiritual and deeper way. 

The Fall Glow 10 Years Ago

 I've briefly thought back to 10 years ago. I had just transferred to my university, and I was grappling with the newness. Everything felt so unfamiliar, and even uncomfortable of finding my way and adjustment like all students new to college or like me, as junior transfers. 

I remember walking far, quite far all the way across campus from a parking lot to my class. It was very spread out and somewhat hilly or bumpy, not what I was used to from my Junior College campus that I liked a lot. I felt like everything took so much time! To drive and put my car in second gear to go up the huge hill, to find a parking space, to park and then walk, then walk to my classes or back to the far away parking lot, drowning in my thoughts, my big adjustment, loneliness.

What kept me afloat and inspired was my Chinese language classes. I was determined to minor in the language and the teacher and seeing the progress made it fulfilling. It was step by step, like all language learning, but I had already learned the language for 9 months on my own prior to taking any classes. Even if it was niche with my smaller class sizes as the levels increased, it helped me make the campus, the experience and my time there more of my own.

The warm late summer and early fall heat I remember well, especially with the long walks across campus. Fall was already starting once the quarter started, and quickly looked and matured like Fall too, which I had a love hate relationship with. I love Fall and all the things surrounding it, but what cropped up most Fall seasons during this time was a darkness, a loneliness, hardship. Sometimes it felt that it went with the gloomy November days or the dark evenings and crisp, cloudy mornings. Life just felt hard, heavy even, and very solo. And normal and natural, there was a lot to figure out- people, friendships, major, jobs, the future. 

It wasn't solely language that helped and inspired me though, but most predominately my faith. It gave me comfort and reassurance throughout the harder and lonely parts. I only got stronger in myself, and tried to make the best of things I couldn't change like gaining a sense of community or even 1 or 2 good friends. 

I think about that time in 2014 only so often, and not very much at all. But sometimes I like to reminisce, and remember the past- in the ways I've grown and learned, and that time of crosses that felt present like the Indian summer heat pounding in my car or while walking on the pavement. 

Morning Hair Cut

'Do you want coffee or tea?' I had coffee, even if I didn't actually need it but the experience of having coffee with having my hair cut seemed nice and therapeutic. 

I started to reflect upon all that had happened since I had been here last, which was January. So much had happened! And almost a whole year has gone by- crazy to think. All the time since my hair had grown out and the seasons and schedules changed, and how I have grown in between. It was a new beginning with the whole year to anticipate and entering into a new job, a new semester. But also, each hair trim or cut in some small ways can feel like a fresh start.

'How's life?' As she asked in a nice and inviting tone, sometimes it's hard to know how to answer but I reflected and recalled to myself on all the months in between, all the growth, the hard parts and pain, the joys and accomplishments - the winter, spring, and summer, the pieces that make up 2024 thus far. 

The now Autumn feel in the air creates a newness all its own. Crisp mornings, spotted sunlight, crunchy leaves, orange and pumpkin obsession, and many things to be grateful for. 

 

Remembering St. Therese

 St. Therese of Lisieux's feast day was a few days ago. I kept her in mind throughout that whole day and realized that this year has been a 'St. Therese year'. Every time I look at my phone, I see an image of her, as my screen saver is her, with a shower of roses. When I got my new phone in January, I decided I wanted an image of her every time I use my phone.

Also, I would think of St. Therese often when I would walk into my job earlier this year. I would pray to her as my new job quickly became a bad job (or I already realized that before I even started working) and ask her for the graces to endure it.

St. Therese, I feel has been following me, even in little ways- hence her name, the little flower, and she is a Doctor of the Church and known for her little way. I wrote about that on one of my blog posts. Here is another blog post I wrote about St. Therese of Lisieux. 

I found a prayer card of her while looking around at a cute, catholic thrift store in Monterey and have since put it near my lamp stand so I see it every night and every morning. 

I recently read a book that was about St. Thérèse and her childhood, her suffering, hardships she endured and also later when she was a Carmelite nun. The book was quite informative and inspirational. The title is called The Context of Holiness. 

I've learned more about St. Therese through reading the above-mentioned book, as well as imagining what she would do in certain situations, such as how she would treat people she didn't particularly like (also mentioned in the book), her joy and cheerfulness, her love for God and her family. 

When I think of her, I want to be more like her in her holiness, her joy, her humility, and service. I also feel that she has 'chosen me', as the saying goes- the saint chooses the person. She was also the youngest girl in her family, sensitive, close to her mom (before her mom died when she was only 4 years old.)

On her feast day last Tuesday, I was thinking of some sort of sign to be reminded of her. Sure enough, in one of the classes I was helping in, I saw a boy wearing a shirt of a rose on it. And roses are also a symbol of her, as one of her names is the 'little flower', and in images and paintings she often holds roses. 

Also, when I went to stop by the chapel after work, outside I saw many roses in the garden- which I always do, but that day felt more special:) 

When I spent a little time in the chapel, I was reading a great book, Interior Freedom by Jacques Phillipe. And as I was reading, he was mentioning St. Therese of Lisieux! It was another perfect connection on her feast day. 

Paint!

 This is one of my favorite memories of summer. 

Now with the still hot and warm weather in full swing, the feeling of Fall is incrementally in the air. I think about summer and some of it feels like a blur. If I think a bit harder, I recall some of the aspects of it. Some parts were harder than others, and others I remember more easily. 

Of course, the one that comes to mind is Paint Nite, which I always wanted to do. I wasn't looking for it, but when I saw a sign up for it, I knew I had to do it as it may be my only opportunity. I'm so glad I did. It was fun, inspiring, relaxing and memorable. I've had the painting hanging up in my room ever since. 

God Whispers

 Yesterday felt like a catchup day. With my sisters- chatting, desperately seeking quality time, as well as a slow start to a slowdown from a busy and tiring week. Somehow life's lessons came and I started to ponder these things and also see them as God's whispers. 

-I woke up with a weird feeling in my sock, something near my toe. I found that part of my toenail on my big toe was coming off. 

Lesson- This season is one of 'peeling off', of letting go, and just like the falling leaves, anticipating new growth and experiences. 

-When my sisters and I were at the coffee shop, it was crowded, and busy. We waited long for our drinks. Somehow, I got the wrong drink. I picked up someone else's order, yet I heard the barista say it was the drink I ordered when I directly asked. It didn't look or taste at all what I ordered.

Lesson- Focus on your life. Focus on what God is placing in yours, not other people's lives where it completely distracts from the moment or the 'drink' that has been prepared for you. It's the right one and the not the one someone else has. It won't feel right, and definitely won't taste very good. 

-Heavy traffic and was worried my gas tank was almost on empty. Luckily, I was able to reach the gas station right when my light turned on. 

Lesson- God comes at just the right moment, when our tank is empty, and we are literally on fumes. He is never late and helps us in all our needs. 

Same Place But Not

 There's nothing like being brought back to your past in an instant. It's not a trigger, but rather a raw and interesting time that only God could do, to see where you have been and where you have come. It's rather a flashback, a 'Godcidence', and I can't help but smile. 

Walking past or inside that library at the school, I want to look and tell my past self some encouraging things. About what the future will look like, and it will all come full circle and make sense and be worth the growth. My heart was revealing and leaking out this pain, and bitterness like a punctured water balloon. Not only was it leaking, but it was shrinking in passion, interest and confidence of the next steps. 

I want and currently am focusing on God's ways and promises, and trust in that, since that was all I could cling to at the time. 

I was there, at a table helping students and remembering almost a year ago of being here for my internship. It feels almost like it happened last week. God's ways are and can be mysterious and yet perfectly make sense.

Nothing beats God's surprises, and the ways in which he works, and even makes us smile and laugh in between. I'm so grateful for where I am right now. 

Dental Office

 I saw my dentist appointment as a reminder from God to trust and let go. To let go of things I'm used to, expectations or even shortcomings and sins. I think of teeth cleaning and plague as a stubborn attachment to things, and cleaning and flossing as God's grace to wash away these stubborn streaks in personality, as well as faults in our spiritual lives.

It wasn't until I got my retainer cleaned after many, many years (I honestly can't remember the last time) that I saw the real difference. I was so complacent with how ugly and disgusting it looked with all the grime stuck on it, it just was how it was inside or outside my mouth. But once I got it cleaned at the dentist office, my retainers had color once again and see through texture. It felt smooth and nice in my mouth and didn't feel embarrassed looking at them. 

This cleansing could easily be seen in the spiritual life with our souls, even detachment and acceptance. I also think of the Holy Souls in Purgatory. Something simple, even ordinary with a dental office can have affective spiritual lessons. :)

God's Goodness

God's goodness feels like eating a cheese danish. 

Not just one, but two.

And it was free. Or else they would throw it out the next morning. 

My 5 dollars covered my coffee from recycling cans.

My mom and I had a nice, peaceful and fun time reading, drinking and eating at our favorite cafe spot overlooking some mountain ranges and vineyards with traffic hidden from the beautiful view and noise covered from the nice vibe and tunes. 

God's goodness is tested with patience, waiting and hoping to hear back from a job. And checking my phone every few minutes to see if I have a mis call. 

God's goodness is revealed when upon surrendering and saying to myself 'closed door', I hear back from the job and get an offer. I feel nothing but sheer joy and peace. And thank God with tears. 

Nothing to Prove

 This year was different. I felt that we had all grown up in different ways, more mature, more introspective, life experience and at times hard life lessons. Admittedly, I enjoyed myself more and I think I showed it too. Deep down, I could feel the graces from God from all the prayers and preparations and mindset these past summer months. 

I realize how selfish I can be, self-centered and even opinionated at times. I'm used to my 'independent' schedule and need to adapt to embrace this time, the hosting, serving, being together and connecting. I need time to adapt to a more 'exhausting' schedule that looks like multiple plans in a day to maximize the time and make it memorable and special. 

Burn out becomes quite real, and time to step away and think, pray, write or even some screen time do wonders for my energy to rise and feel back to a normal barometer to last the rest of the day. And I've realized that that is okay, and I don't have to apologize, or feel bad or put harsh expectations on myself that no one else is putting. 

I've seen it differently this time, in all the ways God has been showing me. To not just be an Aunt, a closer in age relative or sister type figure to my nieces, but also an example, a role model in my own unique way. 

I used to think that my life was less important or had lesser value compared to my other siblings because I wasn't married or had children. My life perhaps didn't look as 'fulfilling' or desirable or even one to admire or emulate to my nieces because my vocation hadn't started yet. I realize this is such a lie from the devil. 

I thought I had to prove something, so in some ways subconsciously my Masters program and my internship kind of did the work for that. 'Look, I have something to show for my life and efforts too!' Of course, that was an illusion since my internship turned out to be a horrible and hard experience and I didn't feel a lot of peace or joy in the last remaining parts of my rigorous program either. Instead, I was just trying to get through it and graduate. 

Fastforward a year later, I see the growth and maturity in me, and this time around with my nieces visiting. Those hard and raw parts from last year are over and done, and many lessons are behind me. I don't feel I have anything to 'prove', but rather an invitation to this is me, this is my life, this is what God is doing and has done. Not to say it's easy or seamless a majority of the time. I have my fair share of days when singlehood feels so raw, painful, and deep and the desires on my heart for marriage shake me to the core. But I look at what I have, what God is doing and will continue to do and try to remember to be grateful for all the graces and the silent, simple example I can give even in the thick of the storms. 

For My Mom, on Her Birthday

 There are so many things I know and love about mom. Others would agree and say the same- strong, fighter, young at heart, beautiful, listener, lifelong learner, baker, intuitive, faith filled, giver, friend. It seems that this though is just a start to a long list of traits that snake around the world and back again of all that you are and all that you've done.

 I will start by saying that though your 69th year brought trials, challenges and even suffering, your strength and faith in God pulled through. It was a year unlike any other with a pilgrimage to Ireland, going to Lake Sisko, driving to the Central Coast and seeing the missions, and welcoming 2 new grandchildren. 

I am so grateful for you- such a strong force in my life, an anchor, a friend, sharing things like books, clothes and recipes, stories, experiences and laughter. 

Some of my favorite moments of this year include going to HMB- captivated by the ocean waves and going to our favorite lunch spot and making a visit in the church; styling and brushing your hair when you weren't feeling well; going to Starbucks; waking up early with me to swim but instead you got us coffee; watching The Chosen in theatres for free after we used up all your regal gift cards, watching me walk across the stage to receive my Masters. 

I am grateful for what God has done in your life mom and will continue to do this new year and decade. Happy 70th birthday mom! You deserve the best. I love you!!

Losing Creativity and Finding It Again

 I was attempting and starting to apply to a job that didn't feel quite right but was pushing myself to go for it anyway. It was mid-June, and I felt like I had to have some prospects on the horizon as it had been a month since graduation. 

As I was starting to apply, in the background I had an audio playing of my sister's old friend. She was reading a written piece of hers to an online forum of other writers. My sister was friends with her back in middle school and high school and one of those people that we think of from time to time since she's just so original, talented and eclectic. 

It's inspiring to think of people like that, and so my sister shared with me this video of her old friend reading her original writing piece. It was interesting as I was listening and multi- tasking since I noticed I felt deprived. I felt deprived of this creative energy and strong voice from her writing. I missed entering into my talents, hobbies and interests, realizing more so that they were put on the back burner for a long while as I was busy pursuing my Masters, working, but mostly fully trenched in schoolwork, assignments, papers, and reading that felt far from my natural talents and interests most of the time.

So here I was, looking into applying to a part time library position at a school and my stomach and my shoulder muscles tighten, and I feel and sense something is not right, it feels off. I feel a little disjointed with myself- listening to someone's art piece while I'm struggling to even apply to a job that I feel I should even if it doesn't fully align somewhere deep inside. 

I've realized I've been craving some of my own creative endeavors, and listening to someone else's only stirs that desire more where once it felt dormant. I decide to take a break, think about it, especially if it's stressing me out. I go two weeks without any job searching and instead think, process, but mostly start to enjoy life again where I can focus on my hobbies of creating and less pressure for the time being. There was freedom, peace, and surrender. It only continued from there. 

Full Circle

 I parked in the same spot I did many months ago. It felt almost strange, but then again made sense for why I was here. The same school I came to for part of my internship last Fall for the middle school book club, was the school I had my interview yesterday. It was throughout that time that I felt a sense of loss, a depth of sadness, pain even. It nearly felt like I could be on the brink of tears in my sorrow throughout that time, always looking back of what once was, what I found joy and peace (working with students) in left me for a loss of words most days for the path that I was on, as things started to become more real and clear.

I feel I have come full circle and am proud of myself for this journey. It hasn't been anything close to easy or simple, but messy, impatient, struggles, doubt and deep questioning. Trying to be open to what and where God is leading me as well as where I feel most called to deep down, even admitting of it doesn't relate back to my Masters.

 I would be amiss to say I've been hesitant and dare I say even fearful of others' opinions at times, or criticisms that almost feel up for display that could lack genuine questions going deeper into my journey, my prayer, my discernment these past months and years and where it has lead up till now.  However, coming out of the interview, I felt peace, confidence and even joy. Though not knowing the answer, I felt like I was in the right place and God blessed my efforts. I felt like I was home, and listening to these inner desires of where I feel called to be, and ultimately trusting God for what he has planned.

Our Lady and the Rosary

 

On our road trip and way to the missions, I was immediately reminded of Our Lady and the Rosary and various connections. It was at San Juan Baustista back in February that my sister and I had sometime outside the hotel rooms on the trip she invited my mom and I to. I was feeling rather anxious but getting away was helpful and carved back some inspiration in my life and the dreariness of the demands of my schoolwork and anxiety and depression from stress and my job. 

She showed me a book about the Rosary, a devotional highlighting all the mysteries, women's writings and interestingly enough, a lady who wrote in every section her notes prayers and thoughts on every page and looked like every corner filled with her deepest reflections, prayers and feelings. 

Her personal writing felt more captivating than the published text of other writers in the booklet, as you felt like she was pouring her heart out and were a witness to every drop, putting the pieces together of her life, hardships, joys, ordinary and suffering. My anxiety lifted when I heard about this devotional book from my dear sister. 

Before going on our trip, I saw a book from Matthew Kelly on the Rosary. I've seen it before but never read it, and now want to read it! 

My mom bought me a beautiful rosary at one of the missions that I liked a lot.

My sister let me borrow one of her books by our favorite author, Immaculee Ilibagiza about the Rosary and her devotion to it when I was feeling so anxious, as well as praying the rosary of the 7 sorrows of our Lady. These were so helpful during that uncomfortable time and actually made my anxiety and anguish go away all from our Lady's help and my sister and confirmation sponsor help me through that. I am so grateful. 

Lastly, the last mission we saw was Our Lady of Solitude or Our Lady of Sorrowful Solitude- depicting our Lady of 7 Sorrows. I had been carrying around and trying to pray the 7 sorrows of Our Lady Rosary. As this was a mission I had never seen, I thought this was so meaningful. All tying back to Our Lady~ Our Lady, undoer of Knots, pray for us. 

Getting Away Is Refreshing

 Something about getting away refreshes your mindset, perspective, routine. And sometimes you don't even know you need it; it just hits you like a breath of fresh air. 

I've never been further than the Santa Barabara Mission- the missions beyond that I've never seen or explored. I've been to LA and parts of Souther California but not in a number of years. It was beautiful to break away and explore San Buenaventura mission and be immersed in the sea breeze, beach town and laid-back feel. The mission is right on the edge of the downtown. 

Something about getting away also makes you observe more closely. You see another town, area, culture and watch the people pass by, hear people's conversations and mannerisms, and the restaurants and shops in the area. The picture above is when my parents and I were having dinner. 

The evening glow and summer feel of people walking the streets was apparent, and the bells of the nearby mission was occurring. I saw people going to and walking out of the local ice cream shop, people walking their dogs, friends in groups talking and laughing together, a bride walking in her white gown with her friends, a small group of friends and one of their ice cream scoops fell onto the ground and her laughing. 

Everything is new, interesting and refreshing to enter into someplace else for a while. 

Rest a While

 Rest a while. While I was driving on my way to work a few months ago, the serenity, peacefulness and beauty of the surroundings invited me to contemplate. Though I felt restlessness and anything but peace on my way to that job and working there, the greenery from the trees and flourishing plants reminded me of God's care and peace.

When I got sick 3 times in the past 2 months, I would think about that time of driving past the serenity of lush plants in an upscale area, and felt God was calling me to rest. He was calling me to rest when I got sick just 2 weeks apart and had to lay low and was forced to contemplate and trust. I felt like I was pulled out of a bad job and experience, knowing deep down it was causing a lot of trauma, as well as reliving trauma which would essentially take weeks or more to process, heal and recover from. 

Rest, prayer, stillness, this would be the answer to my heightened anxiety and disturbance. I felt getting sick was my body's way of also recovering and slowing down from the busyness of running from place to place as well as my mind in knots from stress. 

This past Sunday's Gospel reading reminded me of this rest. Jesus says to his disciples, "Come away by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while."  A while meaning sometime, a definite amount of time perhaps, but in the end productive and rejuvenating. 

I felt like I needed to do just this over the weekend. I had anxiety and anguish that led to very little sleep and felt like my body was running on fumes. I needed to restore peace, prayer and time to sit and just be. I didn't want to leave adoration, and so I stayed until everyone left for Mass, and I was the last one, as well as the first one to open the curtains and close them and say goodbye to Jesus in the Eucharist. I felt my peace restored and my mind cleared and felt like myself again. 

What Jesus said in the Gospel reading resonated with me, as I felt it was directed at me. I'm glad I listened. 

Blessings of Memories

 Looking back is an interesting experience. It stirs upon deep feelings of sometimes nostalgia and memories of God's hand and grace at work. Looking at 'old' photos wasn't so much old but feeling that much time has passed even if just 3 years' worth. 

The simple things come to me as special, the routine, even sometimes the rut in what I was going through, the hard and raw parts, the stirrings on my heart, my program and all the work involved, the students I was helping at my job, and time with my dear sisters and driving to Fairfield to visit, to babysit, sleep overs, and for quality time. 

I would often look to the future or at least think about it and often wonder what it would look like, how would things unfold? I was wrapped up in others' lives sometimes, but also my own and the present moment and making the best of it even when I didn't love everything about it. 

I recently reread an email my sister wrote August 2018and sent to me 3 years after she wrote it to the exact day. It was everything I needed to hear as I was going through the same thing she was at that time and her words were so comforting. I read it while I was making my lunch the evening before the first day of the school year. It would be another year at my same job, and feeling like I was walking on parched ground. My younger brother had just gotten engaged, and I was trying to embrace this new season and feeling like everything was staying the same yet also a new level of hard. I was growing a lot amidst the ordinary and it was very humbling. 

That time is seen as more sweet than bitter now looking back. It taught me a lot. There were simple and ordinary days mostly even if things were starting to change post Covid closures. There was a sense of peace I was on the right page despite the unknown. God had it all under control. It was a grace filled and beautiful time. 

Nov. 2021 With my Uncle and Mom; Uncle and nephew's birthday party

Guadalupe

In the beginning of the year, I found out about Blessed Guadalupe Ortiz on the Opus Dei website, and I was intrigued by her life story and interested to know more. I read part of an e book and then purchased the book of letters to her spiritual director, St. Josemaria. 

Then, for my birthday my dear sister gifted me a book about her that I had been wanting to read. As I've been reading it, I've gotten to know more about her and her life story, and am in awe and inspired by her generosity, cheerfulness, and faithfulness.  Her positive spirit and humor uplifts and her rich spiritual life. I find thigs that are different or similar to me, like also her devotion to St. John of the Cross. But mostly, wanting to be more like her and learn from her example. Today is the day she passed away, but her declared feast day is May 18. 

I felt inspired to copy and draw a picture of her from the book I'm reading. I feel she has been with me throughout this year and at the start of this new year for me turning a new age. I drew flowers on her clothes not as a copy but rather as a symbolism of this new year in what I see as the richness and beauty of flowers. 

Blessed Guadalupe Ortiz, pray for us

An Image

 Going to the church today restored my peace, but it took time. It took longer than expected and anticipated. But with silence, praying the rosary, reading some spiritual reads, and writing in my prayer journal, the veil was lifted. And I didn't feel at all similar to what I felt upon entering. And I was grateful. 

Upon exiting, as usual, I say some prayers in front of Our Lady of Guadalupe image. This image is the definition of peace, of joy. I love looking at it and contemplating Our Lady. And then it reminded me of an image of myself- 10 years ago.

10 years ago, I was in the exact same church, going to daily Mass and praying in front of Our Lady of Guadalupe image. Oh, how different life looks now, and I am, but how similar! I am the same yet different, 10 years older, yet still a child in the spiritual life, in my life of figuring out the next steps, in language studies, in my awareness of God's love for me. 

10 years ago, I reenacted my studies in Chinese. I had started in January of that year but then stopped for a little bit in the spring and summer with German instead, but then decided upon Chinese since I wanted to study it and take classes at my University. 

Now, I have been entering into that world again and reviewing my notes and learning. So much time had passed, but my memory of learning Chinese and dedication hasn't been forgotten. 

Just like seeking peace and joy in God's presence, and entering into the church for some silence, it hasn't been forgotten of what He can do, what He can heal, and provide- so much goodness and richness! 

Anoiting

 I would feel embarrassed if I were her., with everyone's reactions and opinions. But she didn't seem to be. She was only focused on Him and the deeper meaning of pouring perfume spike nard on His feet before His passion, anointing Him and her deep faith in Him. I never thought about the details of this scene until I saw how it was depicted in hit TV series, The Chosen. 

People were questioning why this was done, especially after the very strong aroma filled the room as she opened the jar and dried Jesus' feet with her hair. One or two people gathered there such as Judas Iscariot declared it was a waste, and that the money been used for the poor. 

The way the scene is portrayed is in an interesting way and made me think- am I like Judas? Do I rashly question the meaning of something without considering the deeper significance and even attribute of charity? Or is it just something hypothetical or in theory that sounds nice that could have been done. Does my empath self immediately attune to triggering waste but not looking deeper within myself for reflection?

Mary of Bethany did this beautiful and devoted act of anointing Jesus that others could fully understand, especially with the high expense of the perfume. As The Chosen artistically depicts with the other disciples, Lazarus and Our Lady, two spiritual leaders of the Pharisees at table with food. 

Furthermore, this deeper spiritual meaning as well of putting all things at Jesus' feet. I like to think of this gesture, and I remember a priest told me this too. When I see a crucifix, to imagine touching His nail driven and wounded feet, or a statue of Him as a young child- touching his feet and having the posture of my heart lay all my concerns there. 

Hello Flowers

 Holding flowers. Ones that lasted more than a week, almost two weeks from a friend. Flowers uplift any space, doesn't matter which kind they are. Flowers are beautiful, strong and remind us of God's grace and provision, for growth, for strength and endurance, and for beauty, even in the hard. There is always work and growth being done in us. 

Birthday Flowers

 Plant. Flowers. Bloom. Grow. I didn't find it ironic that these words struck me on my birthday, as they depicted and showed themselves in various ways as a theme. I was wearing a vibrant skirt on purpose, and also my shirt was brown- and now I see it as symbolic of dirt, which allows plants and flowers to grow. 

The sketch book I bought with a gift card had open pages that I found that I desperately wanted and needed as well as symbolizing this new season, chapter and year! The cover has flowers, plants and a butterfly. 

Browsing downtown Larkspur and window shopping, cute and quaint boutiques caught my eye, with a window display of flowers!

The wrapping paper my sister used for my gifts were green- full of leaves and branches. 

The notebook my mom gifted me was green and decorated with leaves.

This time in Ordinary Time in the Catholic church is full of 'greenery'. A time to grow, reflect, pray, go deeper and stronger in the faith. There is certainly nothing ordinary about it. 

There is nothing ordinary turning a new chapter and turning the page to 32! I'm excited to see what's in store, and grateful for all the many blessings.

Purpose

 It's time to slow down. It has been a good time to slow down, to rest, to rejuvenate, to process, and to just be. 'To be still', as scripture says. And I've been needing that, little did I know, craving it actually, but it has caught up with me these past weeks. Oh how long it can take to fully feel recharged, and encountering the present moment and seeing all the gifts.

I want to be still- in my thoughts, and let God take care of all the details. In my worries, and know that God is in charge. In my frustrations, wonderings, deeper emotions, He is there and sees and knows it all. I want to be present and undistracted in all the many blessings, even minor ones that I forget and can easily take for granted. 

I want to be more confident in who I am as a woman and daughter of God. In His plan for me, in what He says and how He communicates with me- in the subtleties, in intuitions, and premonitions and interior voices. I need to be more confident in listening and obeying and understanding rather than not listening or fully embracing it. To not second guess or doubt.

Just like St. John the Baptist, to lead a life of mission, of purpose and to lead others to Christ. And like St. Mary Magdalene, to listen to God's words and act on them, to be there standing by Christ's side and waiting for Him at the empty tomb. To be paying attention and observing and not letting go. To be a woman of faith, and to see the good and strengths in others as well, recognizing Christ in them. 

And lastly, to not be afraid of this new year ahead, as well as what this past year had showed me. It taught me many things and stretched me on so many levels. To gain and realize many lessons, beautiful and good things as well as difficult and very challenging ones. They were all for a purpose. 

Figured Out

 I thought I had it all figured out. I was just a week away from starting my internship and new semester. I had finally landed into the spot that I had wanted and desired for 2 years. Though there was a lot on my mind, there was also idealistic expectations of what things would look like. 

Being in that headspace and anticipating what was ahead was exciting but also a little daunting. It was a rather busy week of being with my oldest nieces, hosting and family events. I tried to seek out any moments of solitude and prayer time that I could.

Holding youngest niece at the time

Being in nature for my mom and sister's birthday in this photo was peaceful and refreshing, looking out to the water and chatting with family was just what I needed to regroup a little and prepare for an upcoming change in schedule. 

I thought I was done figuring things out and especially coming out of a very rough season, things finally started looking up. The internship interview came out to be pretty seamless and really felt the Holy Spirit guiding me through it. But that peace, reassurance, confidence left quickly, and the next few months felt like survival mode. 

I realized pretty early on that I didn't have everything figured out, not even close. I was in a totally new season and chapter, with little guidance and support knowing how to navigate all the newness and change.

Little did I know that deep down I was ready for this. It was quite scary and challenging, but it strengthened me in a new way if I wasn't open to this season and opportunity. 

I kept looking back to the past for comfort, for realizations, for support and just for my own mental sanity and inspiration, as I felt so alone and isolated in my experience. This also strengthened me as I was in my head a lot of the time, which I was used to in other seasons, yet this looked different.

Somehow, (by the grace of God), I managed to survive and finish out the semester and internship that wasn't life giving but had its own purpose to it. I would think back to the days of distant learning a few years back when I worked on zoom in the early time of COVID-19 and would pass by this library on the way to my job. 

Somehow, I thought an inspiration of being and working there would be more enjoyable than working at my current job. Other connections followed like visiting there after work to pick up books, study, or use the restroom on my lunch breaks. In the end, it all felt interconnected and a deeper meaning to me being there for that semester. 

Year of the Butterfly

 The other week my sister was wearing a shirt with a butterfly on it. 'Mariposa' it said, and immediately I remembered and recalled this year was the year of the butterfly for me- it was the theme or the image I felt was symbolic for me. 

When I was leaving one of my work shifts, there were cupcakes for teacher appreciation.  And on top of the cupcakes there was a decoration, a butterfly ring. I smiled to myself and knew I had to keep it, as a memory on this journey, this hard year, yet also powerful, growth filled and learning curves. 

There have been so many moments of seeing a butterfly flutter around and this year, raw aches, growing pains, new seasons and chapters reminds me of what I've experienced, gained and learned along the way.

An image of a butterfly feels more like a journey - a particular season and chapter of growth, discovery and hardships wrapped up in graces and blessings. It's ultimately made me trust in God more and go deeper and stronger in my faith and learn more about myself. The image of a butterfly a year ago felt so fresh and almost uncomfortable with stepping into a new season that I was so unfamiliar with, almost like stepping on ice and not knowing if you will slip first or of the ice will crack and break. It all felt so daunting and I felt so unprepared for it in my mind. (I like to feel prepared and know ahead of time) and didn't know what to expect.

I thought ideally, I would keep seeing the guy who was taking me out on dates. I assumed we would have more time together in the summer to get to know each other. But before any of those ideas fully became a reality they were dropped unexpectedly without any explanation. 

Perhaps I am a little too idealistic, but it was also something hopeful, and to look forward to. And as any woman might feel, my 30th year was drawing to a close. It took weeks to heal, recover, process and ultimately know it was meant to be, in that we wouldn't be a good match for each other in many respects. And there were still and are many things I am learning and growing in myself- another symbol of the butterfly- growing, expanding, discovering.

This too is a whole new season- one of slowing down, processing, creating, enjoying, living. 

Sister Coffee

 There is nothing like going to a coffee shop with a sister. It was quite a busy week and what better way to slow down a little and sit. The coffee shop theme was revolved around kindness. 

I wasn't sure what to order, but the drink was the perfect amount of caffeine and milk, and to savor it especially since we had planned this for some weeks. 

It was actually a sister type week. Seeing my dear sister on Tuesday, visiting my sweet sister on Wednesday and Thursday and plans with my dear sister again on Friday. 

This is a wonderful opportunity for slowing down, for reflecting, healing, processing, creating, savoring and planning. And some coffee adds another special element. 

God's Sacred Plan

  I'm the youngest daughter. I'm number 7 of 8 children and what I call God's unique plan. I see number 7 as not lucky but sacred. Just as it is represented in the sacraments and scripture and known as the number of perfection. I am nothing close to perfect, but I know God's plan is.

I think about it from time to time, what I am doing, what I'm passionate about, what I'm studying to somehow pave the way for the next steps, for 'the plan', for the mission I am called on. But I also see it as baby steps, and boy am I a slow mover. God does not work overnight and call it done. He does not answer our requests to make things quick and effortless and allow all to go well with no mistakes. No, God is not in the business of microwave fix-it dinners and vegetables. God has his own time, and usually it's slower than we prefer. 

I see His goodness all around me, especially in the uplifting spring-like weather currently. The blooming flowers, the greenery, the birds chirping. I think to myself, God is taking care of everything, and God is taking care of me. 

I see this even more clearly while reading my favorite book, Left to Tell by Immaculee Illibigiza who writes about surviving the Rwandan genocide and finding God in the midst of the atrocities. She had to put her whole trust in God while hiding with a few other women in a tiny bathroom for 3 months while killers were outside hunting her tribe down. She continued to trust and plead for God’s protection, plan, healing, and comfort. All her prayers depended and revolved around God’s love to get her through unspoken despair, fear and darkness. What faith! 

Do I see God like that? Even if I have not desperately hidden in a bathroom for 3 months to survive humanities’ worst atrocities, do I still trust God’s will for my life, my fears, and even my doubts? Immaculée struggled too, as she writes in her memoir about the voice of doubt, despair, and deep fear from the devil.

So many times in my own life I have been crippled by discouragement, doubt and feelings of spiritual attacks. I admire Immaculée's faith as she continued to pull through and pray and ask for the graces to overcome the evil one’s lies and temptations, as God always heard and provided for her needs.

In the popular TV series, The Chosen, in Season 2 Episode 5 it portrays and focuses on this topic of discouragement with Mary Magdalen becoming downtrodden and discouraged right from the beginning of the episode. Fear lurks in and eventually the evil one. She begins to lose sight of her faith, as well as faith in herself. I love this episode not just due to the beautiful and intricate filming and scenery but more importantly the deeper message at hand. Mary Magdalene suffers and as The Chosen represents it originally and artistically, it is through not just a spiritual attack but also trusting in her own strength rather than God's. How easily I can do the same!

In this episode, when Mary Magdalene encounters a man with demons inside of him, she thinks to be the strong one, or even guard and protect the few other disciples with her. But it has just the opposite effect. She is left spiritually empty and depleted, discouraged, as well as tempted with the same temptations and demons that she once had before as she moves further away from Jesus. She was more vulnerable to the same temptations and sins, not fully realizing her weakness and susceptibility.

 We are all in need of God's graces and cannot fight any battle on our own. It is in scripture when Jesus showed us how to combat temptation when he was tempted by the devil in the desert. He showed to combat these lies and temptations from the evil one by prayer, fasting and quoting scripture. Ultimately the truth of God's word. 

I look to these amazing women, Immaculee, and Mary Magdalen (portrayed in the TV series The Chosen), as well as in scripture of what it means to be a woman of faith, a strong woman who has conviction. Essentially, to strive for perfection and do God’s will. Both women know what it means to suffer, to endure, to hope, to follow and to trust. May I receive the grace to do the same. 

 ~This post was written in March

 

Worth It

 I felt so loved and it felt like a unique and surreal feeling. I was bursting with gratitude, experienced nothing but warmth, and joy. It was hard to describe how it felt to be on the other side of it all, and I would say it was worth it.

It was worth all the stress and heartache of enduring the long, treacherous journey this semester and throughout my program. It was worth the many doubts and discouragements and darkness I could feel at times, or sometimes people's criticism. It was worth the commitment and long days at the computer and pounding out the schoolwork. It was worth the unknown of not sure what was on the other side and if I would pass. 

It was worth the feeling of accomplishment, of perseverance and grit and listening to this call that seemed to stay strong and consistent. Though it still took a lot of trust and overriding the challenges, it was worth it. It was worth it to see the final result and push on through. And I'm so glad I did.