Nothing to Prove

 This year was different. I felt that we had all grown up in different ways, more mature, more introspective, life experience and at times hard life lessons. Admittedly, I enjoyed myself more and I think I showed it too. Deep down, I could feel the graces from God from all the prayers and preparations and mindset these past summer months. 

I realize how selfish I can be, self-centered and even opinionated at times. I'm used to my 'independent' schedule and need to adapt to embrace this time, the hosting, serving, being together and connecting. I need time to adapt to a more 'exhausting' schedule that looks like multiple plans in a day to maximize the time and make it memorable and special. 

Burn out becomes quite real, and time to step away and think, pray, write or even some screen time do wonders for my energy to rise and feel back to a normal barometer to last the rest of the day. And I've realized that that is okay, and I don't have to apologize, or feel bad or put harsh expectations on myself that no one else is putting. 

I've seen it differently this time, in all the ways God has been showing me. To not just be an Aunt, a closer in age relative or sister type figure to my nieces, but also an example, a role model in my own unique way. 

I used to think that my life was less important or had lesser value compared to my other siblings because I wasn't married or had children. My life perhaps didn't look as 'fulfilling' or desirable or even one to admire or emulate to my nieces because my vocation hadn't started yet. I realize this is such a lie from the devil. 

I thought I had to prove something, so in some ways subconsciously my Masters program and my internship kind of did the work for that. 'Look, I have something to show for my life and efforts too!' Of course, that was an illusion since my internship turned out to be a horrible and hard experience and I didn't feel a lot of peace or joy in the last remaining parts of my rigorous program either. Instead, I was just trying to get through it and graduate. 

Fastforward a year later, I see the growth and maturity in me, and this time around with my nieces visiting. Those hard and raw parts from last year are over and done, and many lessons are behind me. I don't feel I have anything to 'prove', but rather an invitation to this is me, this is my life, this is what God is doing and has done. Not to say it's easy or seamless a majority of the time. I have my fair share of days when singlehood feels so raw, painful, and deep and the desires on my heart for marriage shake me to the core. But I look at what I have, what God is doing and will continue to do and try to remember to be grateful for all the graces and the silent, simple example I can give even in the thick of the storms.