Following Another Way

As this year of 2017 comes to a close, I can't help but reflect upon it and recall the blessings, the very real challenges and all the growing pains involved with it. I have very special memories from last year's New Years Eve. I was on a road trip with my dear sister and brother-in-law to see some of the missions. It was a needed break from the busyness of Christmas and also a nice way to spend the end of the year and the start of a new one. 

While on my walk/run this afternoon, I couldn't help but put the words of Shania Twain's oldie song 'Gonna Getcha Good' into a like metaphor of my own experience. She eagerly declares, 'Don't wantcha for the weekend, don't wantcha for a night, I'm only interested if I can have you for life.' I remember feeling strongly this way to a certain degree about our local mailman, and just craving a connection with someone and so I moved towards the USPS carrier's way and very much hoped something could be made of it. Nothing did, and the attachment of it all was very hard and letting go of what I wanted and had made up in my head wasn't easy at all.

These same lyrics from Shania also reminded me of God's own desire of pursuing us, and wanting us to develop a closer relationship with him. He doesn't just want us for a night, or a weekend, but for life. He is the one who is eager to 'get us while he's got us in sight, and if it takes all night..'

I enjoyed being in Santa Barbara last year on NYE and eating at a Thai restaurant, and contemplating the year and excited to see what's ahead. I'm glad that I can just relax and be at home this year, and reflect on this full year- so much happened, and in the end it's all a blessing. God has a great plan for us in 2018, and as Shania says as clear as day, 'I've already planned it-here's how it's gonna be..'
Happy New Year!!:):)

Winter Inspiration

Finding the FA LA LA LA this time of year a year ago wasn't easy. The joy of Advent and peace of preparing for Christmas was not present in me and it was very difficult to conquer. The Winter blues had hit hard and they weren't going away. My memory of good times and extreme hard ones don't seem to fade away easily, so I'm left with reflection and learning more about myself through the past.

A year ago, I had cried myself to sleep, angry, frustrated and feeling a lack of hope with not having what I needed and so desperately going back to it and asking God and craving it like a child would crave a chocolate bar or something like that. I woke up the next morning with heavy and puffy eyelids, still sad and frustrated, yet trying to pave the way for the silver lining. I had a chiropractor appointment that morning and I wasn't thoroughly looking forward to it, mainly because it was not the best day for it- emotionally and mentally speaking. Rushing out the door, trying to look like I hadn't cried so hard less than 12 hrs ago wasn't very successful, but I went anyways and trying not to let it matter to me so much.

If you're anything like me, I really dislike doctor offices, and anything medical really and also anything I have to fill out a lot of paper work for( hence medical). Being 24 was a very rough age for me, and this just reconfirmed that. Not knowing my place in the world, yet, still a student, but not knowing what the next step will be...all very challenging and scary things and also all very solo figuring out. The receptionist lady who looked about my age or younger asked if I was happy it was Friday. In all honesty, it didn't really matter to me since I wasn't working a full time job, and just finished finals and figuring out my emotions, life and such.

The doctor who saw me asked me some questions regarding my back and did some tests. I got some cracks out in my neck and back, my neck especially. I wasn't inclined to go back though, I felt I could figure out other solutions for my back, and felt rather uncomfortable with the whole set up of the place, and the puffy eyes, sweaty shirt and messy hair didn't help much either. I was told at the end that my mascara smeared and black stuff was under my eyes, which made me feel like a 6 year old, and questioning why I put on the non water proof mascara this time.

What cheered me up was the new movie that has just come out and my mom and I were going to see. La La Land had gotten great reviews and I was excited to see it. From the excerpt, it sounded like it had a mix of classic old times and modern and hip vibes. I really enjoyed the movie, the score, the acting, the story line, all the bright colors and all the dance moves. It was creative, classy and original which is super hard to find these days in the movie world.

My FA LA LA LA was found in the film, La La Land. My inspiration was tuned into Emma Stone's quirky character and witty remarks and Ryan Gosling's piano playing and smooth dance moves. The film had lifted my spirits enough to feel hope, and comfort through what I was going through then.

December was a hard and emotional month last year, and so were the months to come. It felt like the pain lingered on with Winter. The bare trees were symbolic for the internal desert that resided within me. Looking back, it's very interesting to recall all of these feelings, emotions and memories. I can feel and see how much I've grown with suffering times that seemed to have no expiration date or even at times no reason, the tears would just come without notice.

In contrast, this Advent season has been a nice one in the sense of no heavy tears, or aching internal or spiritual pain. I can appreciate even more because I know what I had to go through to where I am now. God works like that at times. Allowing our hardships and defeats shape us into our better selves but also keep us seeking Him and to keep on trusting Him  no matter what. It's almost like a testimony of our Faith, and at times all we really have to hold on to. This is what I was reminded of from reading a prayer excerpt in the Magnificat today, and it made me think and reflect upon my experiences.

I feel that this year, I can express more of the joy and hope that Advent and the special season of Christmas bring. The simplicity, the prayer reflections, being more intentional with my time, and really valuing and appreciating this Christmas season as something to be cherished, and treasured. I would say that there is no barren desert that is bleak and dreary anymore like there was before. Christ is coming, and He will take care of the rest. He is the joy, the hope, and all of the FA LA LA LA's. Although I would love to see La La Land again, I know what I need way more than a clever and entertaining movie to set my mood right and attempting to lift my spirits will never compare to what Jesus can do, for He is the star, the light and the show.

Making Room

Here we are, December and in less than 24 hours the Advent season is here! I really love Advent and this time of year, yet I have a difficult time balancing the things of the secular world -seasons greetings and ho ho ho and holiday cheer, and the peaceful and angelic world of the Christian world of this season. I want to be more intentional with my gift giving as well as well as my time this year. To really prepare myself well for this very special and important season that can easily be overlooked and overly familiar. But it's not overly familiar since we can also gain something from it year after year, as we are always growing and changing and learning new things about our faith and about ourselves as well. That's the beauty in it all and the richness which we need not quickly pass by or overlook, and that's what I want to teach myself as another Advent and Christmas season is on the horizon.

I would like to really value and appreciate all the blessings of this year and have more time for reflection and going deeper. As a melancholy introvert, I very much need my alone time to process and take time for myself where I can hone in on my needed energy and inspiration again. I want to find more time in the day to relish this as it can be so easy to do other things and get busy with work and volunteer, which are all good, though this time of nourishment and preparation need to be found outside of work and the hustle and bustle of the outside world.

I felt that this week was an adjustment to get back into the swing of things after the busy Thanksgiving holiday week/end. It felt like a busy break for me, and my rejuvenation period didn't feel as long as I would like it to. There were various things going on this week- studying for my upcoming CBEST test, volunteer, work, parish library organization, adoration, exercise class, cooking, errands, heavy reading...

The weeks can go by quickly but they are also tiring but nicely touched with variety and change of scenery from day to day. I am grateful for this season where I can be on a one on one basis with my students and make it my own. To help my mom with the parish library brings me comfort and inspiration to make this place inviting and cozy and interesting. My passion for books and reading has come out in another way and I'm happy to use it in an unique way!

 Serving local seniors weekly gives me a sense of purpose and joy and moments of interaction with them also please me. Exercise class gives me a lot of energy which I didn't know I had, and gives me space and outlet for my dance moves. Adoration is a nice time to stop and slow down, pray and reflect in the middle of the week. The heavy reading that I did this week made me reflect more on all that I have and all that I should be much more grateful for. Reading an immigrant/refugee story is heart wrenching, at times painful, very intriguing and also heart breaking, with a glimmer of a happy ending. I couldn't put the book down, and I truly felt I was in the midst of war torn Syria, experiencing what determined and courageous Doaa, a young woman who was facing and enduring with her family. They eventually were able to flee to Egypt until things were exceedingly getting worse there as well. Her soon to be husband suggested traveling to Europe and making a better life for themselves there. All tragedy and evil break loose, so I will stop there. I knew about the refugee crisis facing our modern world today, but not in much detail. My international studies classes had touched upon them but not to this level, and it made me interested in learning more about this severe issue that is complex, yet something to not be overlooked.

Reading this highly interesting and remarkable story, 'A hope more powerful than the sea' made me reflect upon refugees and all that they have to go through, experience and endure in order to make a better life and future for their family and dear loved ones. In Jesus' time, Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus were refugees fleeing King Herod and finding a safe haven. Even upon Jesus' birth, traveling and searching for enough room for Him to lay. It made me think if I have enough room to help in some way refugees experiencing crisis, and to make more room for Jesus in my life and in my heart throughout this Advent and Christmas season and into the new liturgical year.

Colors and Shapes in the Deep

Finding yourself in the amidst of various shapes, sizes, colors and energies can be one of the hardest things to do. However, it can be the most beneficial and rewarding in hindsight. This little samaka (fish) is finding her way through it all. Dodging big sea creatures that eat smaller food than the dear samaka, and perhaps go more places in search for more of it. The small food which these interesting shaped creatures eat can not feed this samaka since it does not digest nor perceive it to be well for it.  It makes its bold and vibrant colors turn to an ash gray. Large and hearty food is what it wants and desires instead, yet this quest is still challenging to find and swallow, but dear samaka will keep treading bubbles in the meantime to pursue it's destiny.

Past Questions, New Answers

I love this quote. It came to me last year around this time when I was wondering and hoping for a new face to brighten up my day or something inside of me to connect with the outside world and with  others. I was unsure and uncertain of what to do or how to make this throbbing feeling go away. I had to sigh and think back to Zora Neale Hurston's quote, 'There are years that ask questions and years that answer." I was in the year of asking, and hoped that sometime soon, eventually, I could be on the receiving end. However, as I've learned life doesn't always work out that way as we would hope or even expect. Sometimes we just have to learn how to be content and happy with what we are given and grateful and leave everything else behind us- not let it be a pure focus.

I recently just finished Hurston's well known novel, 'Their Eyes Were Watching God.' I had to read it for an English class a couple of years ago, and decided to read it again. Janie, the main character in the story is a young woman who is trying to find herself and her place in life. She goes where her grandma says she should go until it's in her gut that she knows it's not the right place for her. So her inner adventurous spirit paves the way for her as she experiences two other marriages that both lead to death...but my question is, does it lead to her death? She appears to be depressed and solemn after 'burying the dead', and maybe that also implies burying her old self.

I'm not sure if I have the answers to the questions I asked last year, but I know that God does and that's all that really matters for now. Perhaps I don't have all the answers, but maybe some. Answers being that I know myself more and have grown through hardships and seasons of dryness and unknowns as well as solitude and isolation. My answers have lied in being more hopeful in God's plan for my life and rest assured that He knows what he's doing and I should just enjoy the show, doing what I can but not taking credit for the what belongs to Him.

Some days I do feel like Janie, figuring out my place in life and learning from the journey as well as learning to leave behind what needs to stay behind and embracing all that lies ahead, in hope of God's ultimate plan that rests on the horizon.

Far Better Things Ahead

C.S. Lewis had it right when he coined the phrase, "There are far better things than any we leave behind." I've been drawn to this quote for some time and it has helped me in times of struggle with attachment. A glance at his wise words made me think more and appreciate this perspective.
I had a hard time leaving behind some memories and comforts of Junior College and going onto University a few years back.  However, this quote always helped me to better trust the unknown of the future and have higher hopes instead of fear of what lay ahead.

I can even recall only a year ago of what it felt like to let go and trust even more fully in myself, my interior strength and essentially God. A year ago, my dear sister moved out in her new place just a few miles over the hills with her sweet husband. I didn't know it at the time but it was really just over the hills and not too far away. But I did know that this move would be extremely difficult and emotional for me, and sure enough I was right. However, it was certainly essential for me to grow 'stronger bones' and overall a more independent spirit, but the growing pains were challenging and suffocating at times. 'The milk' or interior struggle which would essentially create these strong bones was not pleasant or enjoyable, yet necessary in order for God to work through me as well as learn more about myself while also growing closer and trusting Him. Would I had thought that there would be far better things ahead once my dear sister didn't live at home any more, no I didn't think there would be since I didn't think there could be.

A few weeks ago, I finished reading The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. Like most people trying to gain a sense of the story solely through the title, I thought it had to do with divorce as in no longer being married. After reading Lewis's wonderful work, I learned I was somewhat right about this preconceived idea, yet only slightly. The general overview is that souls in Purgatory/Hell are allowed a visit into Heaven and can decide to stay there and choose this place. The description of Purgatory/Hell ( I think it depends on how you view it from reading), but basically the overall view is that it's dark, dreary and there is no human connection or warmth. It's a very segregated and individualized city. People are waiting for a bus to pick them up and the narrator (Lewis) as well as the reader are unsure where this bus is going, why and the overall general matter that is taking place. These souls/ghosts are going somewhere they are unsure about and once they get there, they also do not know where to go or turn, but have the option of going back on the bus if they choose.
This majestic and very colorful land is nothing like where the ghosts have been, and even more different and foreign since they cannot fully participate and reveal in this place.

Overall, it's a spiritual journey novel pertaining to the Divorce of Heaven and Hell. One cannot have even a feather of sin or the Devil in them order to come to this land known as Heaven. You begin to see how hard certain attachments are and that's why the ghosts cannot fully enjoy and appreciate the beautiful glory of Heaven, yet they still have time time to change their ways before night time where no one wants to be out...evil spirits will come and other demons.

This got me thinking back to his quote once again, "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." The ghosts in the story have a difficult time letting go of past sins and attachments from earth and accepting this new land is beyond hard and a challenge to wrap their being around. I not only enjoyed reading this amazing and deep, intricate novel, but I also thoroughly enjoyed thinking more about the concept as it enlightened some understanding of the after life and how truly weak we are as humans. I was able to join a book club discussion regarding this book and got a lot out of it.

There are numerous hidden symbolisms and it’s easy to delve deeper into discussions regarding some topics that are related. There were many things that stuck with me after this book study, but one of them that still has got me thinking was- If we had the choice to choose heaven or earth, we would choose earth not because we don’t think that heaven is good and way better than earth but because of our familiarity and comfort.

So yes, I would agree that there are better or even far better (as Lewis puts it), things ahead than any we leave behind, and it sure is a good reminder of what we choose and what we should choose. That we should choose all things pointing to Christ, even if doesn’t make sense and feels foreign to us at the moment. 

The Nile and Lined Eyes

This time of the year is always exciting because there are a lot of changes going on. In just a few days, there will be the daylight savings time which will make Fall feel more like Winter, unfortunately. The end of October brings a different tune as it's the last lead up before the onslaught and busyness of holiday rush and cheer. I feel that I am wallowing in this time of the year, in the Fall season before the end of the year comes fast approaching.

Yesterday was Halloween, and although I wouldn't say I am in love with all that this holiday entails- I still enjoy dressing up when I'm in the mood. Last year I was in the mood and this year I was too! Considering that I did the same thing as I did this year- dress up and with other Catholic young adults ask for canned goods and have a potluck at someone's house. I probably wouldn't have dressed up if I wasn't going out, and would have been the homebody I am and delve into my introverted cave.

I was unsure what to be this year, and ideas were coming left and right but didn't seem to fit fully with my personality. I was  also unsure how to pull off Gertrude Bell, especially since no one would know who I was or dressing up as a singer from ABBA and find an outfit that would look authentic yet modest at the same time.




On a beautiful and crisp Fall day in Fremont while spending much enjoyed quality time with my dear sister and brother-in-law, they treated me to a cute and quaint cafe called The Nile. They went there a few weeks prior and immediately thought of me, knowing I would enjoy the artistic wall paintings of ancient Egyptians and other eclectic and interesting art deco. I was immediately inspired and glad that a unique place like this existed not too far away from my sister's and her husband's place. My sister mentioned that I should be an Egyptian for Halloween. And from then on, I considered it as an option.

As I was getting ready to turn into an Egyptian, I suddenly recalled that a cabin I was in while at a girl's camp over 10 years ago was the Egyptian cabin. Each year this girl's camp had a theme, and that year it was civilizations. I was among other girls my age in this Egyptian cabin, and had cool counselors, one of them being my same dear sister! I loved the spirit of that cabin, as well as the energy and vibe. Us lively campers loved posing with our hands and arms positioned in front of us  like an ancient Egyptian would. We also had fun dancing and singing to the song 'Walk like an Egyptian'.

A few days before this camp started my dear sister braided all my hair, and I was in excited anticipation to really look like an Egyptian. I had fun wearing my corn rose and swishing it this way and that...It was also an excuse to not wash my hair for a few days.

To recreate this costume, it was fairly easy- really just the eye makeup, hair and costume jewelry…and I was happy to find all of this in my closet. I think those costumes are the best when you already own what you need and can recreate it in your own way. I felt that the Egyptain costume spoke with my energy and eclectic and statement jewelry style. I didn’t mind wearing some braids again as they add a fun look and after taking them out, you’re not so sure if you’re hair will turn out more wavy or poufy.  :)

Halloween has never been my favorite holiday, but I can say that I like the festivities and this time of Fall. I also find it enjoyable to get into dressing up every now and then when my mood, inspiration and energy allow me to get out of character and become another one. Perhaps being an Egyptian for Halloween will come back again next year and I’ll walk like one too. 

About Time for Joy

Time is very important for us. It can mean so much and describe a lot about ourselves and our lives. Time can heal things, and time can also cause us to forget some of the nitty, gritty details. Time is interesting and allows for changes to be made- changes in the sense of your feelings, perspective or misconceptions to name a few.

I find that time has been frequently working in my life. I recently received my diploma for my Bachelors degree and I was very happy that it had finally arrived and I could officially declare that I am a post- graduate and achieved something, well actually many things. It took time for this important, expensive and sweat wrenching, heart pulsating paper to arrive in my mail box. When I received it and looked at it, I could own it because I finally did it. I have finally come at the end of the school tunnel that can feel like forever and trap you to make you feel that you are not with the other part of society since you're technically in a bubble going to classes, listening to lectures, doing assignments and meeting new people.

Time has taught me about a new perspective, and that only God, who is the owner and author of time is allowed to give. A new point of view in the sense that pain and suffering are two different things and there is a reason for it. The way I wanted things to be done according to my own timing wasn't going to happen like a flash of light since I'm not God and I didn't realize that perhaps God had something better in mind, even if it meant that I needed to suffer. I learned that suffering and the pain from it can be joyful and meaningful and perhaps even beautiful. I've had many flashbacks of some very raw and painful moments this year, and a wave of nostalgia comes to me because those were the moments I was most myself and relying on God. It wasn't enjoyable at all since loneliness was a big factor. It seemed like my heart was ticking. I was struggling to get through the present moment and only could look forward to the next moment, striving and at times struggling to get through all that I was carrying literally and metaphorically. I was aware of it and didn't always know how to handle it with a positive mindset.

Time wasn't counting, I was. And I kept track of how many more weeks I had left as a student. A month or a little more felt so long, it made me feel so frustrated and sad I wanted to cry. I couldn't wait to be on the other side and have my journey and experience as a student be behind me and be part of my history, a semi- faint memory that I could look back to if I wanted like a far path that lead you to where you are now, yet you can keep going forward.

When you are at your weakest, God can work the best with you. You also get to see how strong you really are and the depth of your inner strength. I know this to be true now, yet didn't see it as clearly when I was going through interior struggles. I thought that by continually praying for at least one friend, I would receive it fairly quickly. Expecting a gift such as a friendship and not getting it made me feel aggravated and lonely and more deprived of human interaction. I couldn't understand why I wasn't receiving what I felt I desperately needed and desired and why it wasn't being handed to me.

I lost sight of the joy of becoming more intimate and real with God, since all I really wanted was  more human interaction and connections. But God works in mysterious ways, so I really only needed to become closer to Him and had to learn how to trust in His ways and less of mine. I lost sight of the gifts that were all around me and solely focused on what I didn't have. I'm reminded of this quote that I found while going through this challenging time and it made me think more about God's ways and not mine. Although I couldn't find the answer, it got me thinking that perhaps I wasn't thinking as I ought. "Man finds it hard to get what he wants, because he does not want the best. God finds it hard to give, because He would give the best, and man will not take it." To be honest, reading this quote made me feel somewhat guilty since maybe God was giving me something here, perhaps even a gift that I just couldn't see as a gift but underneath the pain, sorrow and deprivation, it was something that lead to meaning and strong interior growth, growth that tasted bad and smelled putrid but was necessary.

Time has a way of tricking your mind sometimes to make you see things differently, and can even lead to joy even of it was in the past, and even if it was very real, painful and lonely. Joy is different than being happy since happiness is more superficial and fleeting. Joy is from God, and you don't need to look far to have it since it's already inside of you.

Braided Eclectic Rebel

Being rebellious was always seen as something that was bad or negative and to stay far away from. At least for me, being a rebel meant breaking the rules in order to get in trouble or receive attention. I could easily spot these kind of people back in middle school and high school. And I happily stayed away from these 'dangerous' people who enjoyed breaking the rules.

 The rebel girls and guys from school days were the ones who wore black, talked bad, smelled mysterious and had ear phones hanging from their ear. They would talk back to the teacher, have their hoodie on and pretend that they were listening to what was happening in class, yet instead listen to their music and zone out. I wouldn't get close to these types of people. I felt so different and knew myself well enough that I could never take a slippery slope step spiral from being a good and honest student to one that simply didn't care and didn't try.

I found the stereotype to be a misjudged stereotype pertaining to myself. As I've gotten to know myself more, I feel that I have become more of this 'rebel' type. Not in the sense of looking like I didn't care how I dress or look or chewing something other than pink bubble gum but a rebel in the sense of not following the crowd and instead listening to my true inner self, inner voice and strong and tight intuition. A deep feeling and living of doing what's right for me and not caring what others think and not letting their opinions overrule my decisions.

Little did I know that I was a rebel back in those days, doing my own thing and living by the seed of my intuition and inner self. My senior year in high school, I didn't have a cell phone, a Facebook or a driver's license. Unlike my fellow peers and small circle of acquaintances and friends, I wasn't eager to get any of those things right away and try to fit in. I honestly didn't mind taking the bus and being visible waiting for another mode of transportation to take me home while my peers and classmates drove away in their fancy and prancy looking vehicles.

Being my own type of rebel continued throughout college and till this current day. A rebel in the sense of the way I think and do things. As someone once put it, 'You walk to the beat of your own drum.' I've learned that being a rebel of my type isn't always easy since it can mean doing things alone. But as I've found, just because you're alone doesn't mean you have to feel lonely doing it or not have fun trying.

Last night, I went to a Harvest Ball out of my area. I have to admit, the best part is getting ready and figuring out what shoes to wear and how dark you want your make-up to be. I felt like a rebel dancing to my own tune when no other dancers would have the courage or even the will power to cut a rug. I even requested my own songs, one of them had to do with being a rebel, just for kicks. A few other like minded kindred souls appreciated the song and gladly danced to this spunky and vibrant, feel good tune.

Just recently, I learned about the four types of ways you can motivate yourself. I read it through an online magazine called verily mag and it briefly explained the different ways/categories one can motivate themselves. I took the quiz and already had an intuition that my 'category' would be rebel. Sure enough, my motivation style revolved around what I want to do and when. It also stated that rebels are independent and out of the box thinkers. :)

Although being a rebel can be dangerous or even at times misunderstood, the best way I have learnt to deal with my personality type that can often lead me wondering why I'm the only one is to not think about the quantity but rather the quality. Not the the numbers in how many are joining me but rather am I being true and honest with myself and having fun at the same time.

Yesterday.

We can learn a lot of things each day, if we just pay attention to it. I was reflecting last night on yesterday and what I learned or had come across that was new. When I was at my old job with my classroom of students, I would often ask them, "what did you learn today?" I would usually encounter a pregnant pause, and a lot of umms, and I don't knows. I would make it known to them, these growing brains that knowledge and learning is important. I think they could tell that I had a variety of interests and enjoyed learning and sharing my knowledge with them!

So, I asked myself the same question, and pondered it myself. Well, I learned more about Indian culture/weddings, about an older man's life and personality, about Gertrude Bell, and about how the devil loves confusion and for us to solely focus on evil. This was what I came up with, though I'm sure there's more. :)

Let's start with the devil, who is the root of all evil and loves God's dear children to be confused by it, immersed in it and think of it as good, and normal instead of how it's supposed to be viewed. I was listening to Catholic Radio on the way home from morning Mass yesterday, and I know I will always hear one of my favorite speakers on there- Fr. Matthew Spencer. He's great, I love hearing his voice, he's peaceful, funny, humble, down to earth, inspiring, engaging and enriching! All such good things, and feel blessed to encounter him while driving when I can.

Anyways, I was listening to him and he was talking about the horrific attack in Las Vegas that left 59 dead, and 500 or so wounded. I already heard about this devastating and severely sad event that took place at a country concert. But Fr. Matthew had words that impacted me, as he so often does, and a message that brought hope to my perspective. He said, the devil loves confusion, and the focus of evil. When we put so much focus on this very tragic event, and especially on the murder, we detach our view of the good that has been happening after this sad story as well as the hope. People have been donating blood to the wounded victims, people have been closer together and united together for the ones they have lost. In essence, Fr. Matthew summarized that God allows evil only in order to bring a greater good from it.

Yesterday, I volunteered at my local senior center soup kitchen serving seniors their lunches. I was listening to a college age girl tell a story of a recent Indian wedding she attended. She was explaining how it is normal for Indians to be late to celebrations and events. Even up to an hour and a half late is normal, and expected and that's probably the minimum. I was interested in this, since I know that I am often late to things, and being early/on time is actually quite difficult. This volunteer mentioned other things and anecdotes regarding the wedding.

As my volunteer shift was about to end, and cleaning up was still in the process, I got into conversation with one of the older men who regularly eats there. I've seen him plenty of times before never talked with him, and when I have served him he would raise his hand like he was asking a question in order to get my attention for me to fill up his coffee cup. I had an idea about him, possibly an old grump who was particular like most elderly, and looked down at you with his spectacles. But, as I had come to talk with him, I learned that I was wrong and he did have a fun and quirky personality. And we had in common that we both live in the same city and just a few years ago had volunteered at this place as well. He knew everything about cleaning up and even assisted me and showing me what he knew. He told me about his past career, as a scientist/chemist, and that he's lived in the same house for 50 years! He goes by his middle name, and too home extra soup home that was served since he doesn't cook at home.

And lastly, Gertrude Bell. Many will probably not know who she was or what she was known for. If you have heard of Lawrence of Arabia then she is not too far behind him in acknowledgement and influence. Gertrude Bell was a British woman by appearance but an Arab by heart. She had a strong interest in the Middle East and learned Persian and Arabic, and enjoyed learning Persian poetry. She helped create the Iraq nation-state and is known as The Queen of the Desert. The book I am currently reading about her reveals all these things, and displays an interesting and detailed portrait of this influential and inspiring woman.

These were the main things that came to me yesterday, and I think it's important to keep up this awareness of learning, and engaging content that can inspire and transform our minds!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Dear Eleanor

Upon reflecting on my latest post, it brought me some insight and other thoughts in relation to it.
I was eager and ready to go on this retreat that I had heard about through one of my sisters and knew I wanted to also go and experience it for myself. I chose a further location, driving wouldn't be quick and easy and flying although would be more direct..there wasn't a direct airport in the area, so traveling via plane would have to be planned out accordingly as well.

I wouldn't call myself the most adventurous type, however, I do like to think I'm fairly adventurous and have my times where I can be. But something about traveling alone to a new place doesn't usually excite me but rather stresses me out and can make me anxious. I knew I had a desire to go on this retreat, and had already carved out time for it as well as expense.

My dear mom offered to drive me there since it could possibly be cheaper, and maybe even more fun seeing sights along the way. However, I knew that wasn't the best option as it would be way more work, tiring and time spent. I knew that I couldn't take the easy way out and have my mom do the work for me. I had to fly on my own and figure it out from there and if it was meant to be, it would all turn out alright. I guess you call also say I don't love to fly and the thought of flying by myself can make me nervous, but I knew I had to face my fears, and the thought was worse than the reality.

Upon looking through my photos on my phone, I came across a recent picture of my classroom whiteboard that had a quote I had written at the beginning of Summer. The quote was from Eleanor Roosevelt, and the main idea from it struck me "you must do the thing you think you can not do." I had discussed things with my students only a few weeks prior, and right at this time those whose gave a little shock inside of me, and I knew what I had to do. If you are familiar with any other Eleanor Roosevelt quotes, you know that she has profound words of wisdom that can get you thinking, which I love. From that moment on, I had peace and everything did work out well in the end, I was able to get a ride from the airport to the retreat house with ease.

Letting Go

There are many songs that deal with the concept of letting go. Letting go of something, someone or even part of yourself, a memory or form of attachment. I think it's important to let go of something that may be weighing us down whether that be a material item or a person. In my life, I've had to let go of friendships that weren't good or helpful, let go of things that weren't working for me, and ultimately letting go of what I want and instead be vulnerable and open to what God wants of me.

I went on a retreat this Summer in beautiful Oceanside and like all retreats I've been on, the main thing that you are left to answer and think about is what is your goal, mission or prayer will be that you are to take away with. Throughout this retreat, we had personal small groups to go to and share things with and ultimately became somewhat vulnerable with them in a matter of a few days. While reflecting upon what my mantra, goal, or prayer that I would take from this retreat came to me fairly quickly and spoke to me just as easily. The words were 'letting go'. I had to think more about why I chose these words and why it gravitated towards me and connected with me. I think we all have times in our lives where we would like to be in control, and most times don't even realize that we are trying to possess this so called power. We want to pretend and play God, and think we know better and know ourselves better.

Letting go for me, meant to be open to what God has in store for me, more open to things I hadn't thought about, but also taking not just one but a couple of steps back and let Him take the wheel and me be the passenger enjoying the view, and trusting that this is the right path. Letting go of attachments that were difficult to let go of, but finding in His grace that it's all possible and part of His divine plan. To let go and appreciate all that I have, and that I really have a lot more than I realize, and to be more and more grateful for the journey and the experiences in them.

Although letting go can be challenging at times and feel foreign in nature, it's also liberating. As I've grown from this time since this retreat, I keep trusting in God, His divine plan and His grace to make letting go all the more beautiful, rewarding and meaningful.

Golden Transition

I have always loved this time of year, at the edge of Summer and on the cusp of Fall. This time of year is exciting because so many things will happen the rest of the year. This time is a season of transition, change and reflection, and I can feel it in the distant and not as direct sunlight, as well as the changing color of leaves. I always love to savor this time of year since it is still Summer but it also feels like Fall. I also know that the end of the year will be here before we know it, and it's hard to believe that 2017 is more than half way over.





I always like to embrace Fall, have new and inspiring ideas, and goals for myself. I made a list of things I would like to do this Fall that will keep me busy with creative ideas and projects. Here are a few:
Knit a scarf
Bake a cake
Write a(nother) short story
Create own stationary
Carve a pumpkin
Make pumpkin squash soup (or anything else pumpkin:))

I was feeling so down the last few weeks regarding my job. It got to me mentally that I couldn't take it anymore and no longer felt like I could thrive or survive there. I didn't want this job that felt like a death sentence to my sanity and inspiration make always feel bitter towards those closest to me, or even suck away precious time from the things I love to do, and especially my favorite season.

Now that I am back to freelance, and studying for tests, and figuring out the next steps in my post-grad journey, I feel that I have more peace and time to reflect, process and give time to the things and those I love. I always believe in following your intuition, and listening and following mine has always brought me to a better place. I know that listening to your intuition is a sign from God to fix something that isn't working.

I am looking forward to this ending of Summer, and the transition of Fall and all that is in it. Stay tuned for Fall endeavors:)

Searching for What's Right in Front of Me

I have missed writing on my blog and unfortunately due to internet issues, wasn't able to write anything, but I am glad to be back. I also unfortunately wrote a long, detailed and rather good post right before my internet connection vanished and deleted what I had wrote :/ But that's okay, because I'm back with another try at this blog post!

I was recently reminiscing about this past year, while still a student but desperately wanting to be done, yet being in that rather awkward and awful position of 'neither here nor there' as one of my sisters likes to put it. I didn't have a job except my freelance tutoring but wanted to give in other ways by simply finding a volunteer opportunity and start volunteering in my free time, which usually luckily but sometimes unluckily added up to be a lot of spare time on the clock- especially in the Summers.

Late Spring, early Summer 2016, I had the idea of volunteering at the library and being a language tutor. I had to wait a few months before the training would start but was overall excited to help adults in need with their reading and English language skills. I went through the training program and happily met other like minded people who were interested in helping fellow adult learners. A few days later, I would start back up at school again and quickly become busy with my studies and keeping my responsibilities under my toes, though they were surely keeping me on my toes! The idea of volunteering at the library ever so swiftly started to become an after thought. I already had 3 students I was tutoring on the side for profit, and felt ever so busy yet not fully stimulated. I had to put this idea of volunteering on hold for a few months. My anxiety came back again and knew that I wouldn't be capable of committing to this endeavor I thought would work. By the time the new year came, my word of starting this commitment crept up on me and I started to dread the thought of it. I listened to my gut, and instinct and decided to ex out the idea all together and find something else.

The Winter was a painful and lonely time. Looking back now, I can see a lot of good, growth and self-introspection. The bareness of the trees in Winter symbolized how I felt inside and where I was at that time. I had a desire to give in some way other than my very part-time job but didn't really now where, when or how. I kept on researching and tried not to let a door closed get to me and figured that another one would eventually open, hopefully. I had numerous ideas that kept me going and inspired and hopeful. My schedule already felt like a void, and very vacant and I was the one to make things happen for myself- I was doing everything to create even a little bit of inspiration for myself and honestly, it was an incredible amount of work and it often led me to despair and feeling frustrated.

I changed gears regarding language help since I was clearly already doing that in my current part-time job and wanted something different. During this time in Winter, I became inspired with medical books, medical memoirs..I'm not really sure why since the medical field is pretty much the worse career I could think for myself but maybe that's why I found it to be interesting to read and learn from! I read at least 4 medical related memoirs in January and was inspired from this. I knew I liked working and helping children and thought of volunteering at the Children's Hospital. To offer support and alleviate the pain of illness and give in some way gave me hope. There was a day where my idleness was so extreme, I literally didn't know what to do with myself and felt the weight of it take over my being. I remember it was Chinese New Year, and all I really did was make a video of grammar of the English language on YouTube. That night I was researching on what I could do as for a job, a volunteer opportunity, anything really! I even watched videos about the founder of Sseko designs (sandals) which made my creative juices come back to me for some time. That night, I also reached out and wrote an email expressing interest for volunteering at the Children's Hospital in Oakland. The training was still over a month away, but maybe I had something.

I finally finished sewing my own shirt with the help of my mom (this was around this time)

During that time I was also thinking about another organization to volunteer with, giving service to cancer patients (children), and revamping their bedroom, which would involve painting, heavy lifting and overall making it a fun, new and fresh environment for them once they came back from the hospital. I didn't get another answer back from this organization, so went back to the idea of the hospital. But later after further research and thinking, the requirements were too much, it was far- too far for me, and the paperwork to lead up to becoming a volunteer didn't reside well with me.

I kept this volunteering passion still in the back of mind, thinking what I could do. I went back to the drawing board and asked myself what do I really love to do, and makes me come alive. Though I like working with children, and language- I felt it wasn't a fit for me with volunteering at the time. The answer was actually food, cooking and service through that. Food, recipes and cooking gave me life and inspiration during this Winter and early Spring season. This was something that I could always go back to and it felt like me, and gave me a sense of purpose since I knew I could always find service, meaning and creative things through it!

My sister's friend came over for a visit and it just so happened that I was cooking dinner that night- an Indian Chicken recipe! Luckily, she thoroughly enjoyed it and found it to be delicious. I knew that my heart was in cooking and serving, feeding others. I tried to focus on this fact for myself to remain positive during this time of suffering.

I would always look at the food and cooking magazines at the library and write down recipes that I liked, and checkout cookbooks and browse the cooking memoir section. I would become excited picking out a recipe for dinner and getting the ingredients at the grocery store with my mom and helping her with the groceries. Although I was going through a deep difficult time inside, these things gave me hope, life and inspiration and made the gray cloud appear not to be that bad, since there was a glow of light behind it.

Dining at a Persian restaurant alongside my sister and brother-in-law, such delicious food!

In April, I had the idea of signing up for and taking a food and wine paring class at my local Junior College. Learning and working with food and wine kept up my spirits and I had something to look forward to come post graduation and throughout the Fall semester.

I realized that I wanted to serve food to people, in some way, shape or form. I was also interested in dealing with the elderly in some way since I was thinking of visiting a Senior, but that idea didn't have any action behind it. I saw an ad in a local magazine that there was a need for volunteers to help serve at the Sage Cafe, held at my local Senior Center. Looking upon this ad, something in me knew I was interested in volunteering there. I called the number and left a message regarding my interest and availability. I didn't hear anything back and was quickly disappointed. I soon forgot about it, and tried to put my focus on other things or another volunteer opportunity.

My sister suggested Open Heart Kitchen, and it hit me, hard, since I had never thought of that. I knew about this non-profit organization, yet it had been years since I volunteered there, back when one of my older sisters was a site director. It all clicked and I was eager, ready and excited to start volunteering! That same week when my sister suggested OHK, I said yes to a volunteering opportunity for the day with my brother's EMT class at his Junior College. I was to act out being an injured person and the students in the class had to correctly and properly diagnose you under pressure with lots of noise to distract them. I signed up to be a dead person, since that meant I wouldn't have to scream or act dramatic (true introvert/melancholy) since we had to do the same scene 7 times. Although I gave up half of my Saturday for my brother's medical class, it felt really rewarding to participate voluntarily and learn a thing or two about the medical field, meet my brother's classmates and other volunteers and be back at my Junior College. Something in me came alive, and I knew I had to get on board to volunteer!

My first day volunteering at my local Senior Center serving lunch to the seniors and clean up felt like home and instantly something in me was lifted. Upon signing up with this non-profit at this local site, the pieces came together, I would be volunteering at the Sage Cafe after all! I was thrilled and deeply grateful. All along this place of volunteer was right in front of me, since I had exercise dance classes there in the same room for 2 years! I had found my purpose of service that dealt with food, being in the kitchen and providing for older generations. I was heightened with inspiration and have kept going back to volunteer these few months since. I feel blessed to serve in this way and use my passion in my local community. It was and has been something that I needed to get outside myself, focus more on others and have an intimate space to call my own.

Serving at a Memorial Day lunch, with a live band!

Remembering This Time in August

I remember a year ago- I find that to always be the case, remembering things well and vividly. I can remember what people said, what I wore, how I felt and some events that happened on that day. I can't fully control what I remember, but I think some of it has to do with how personal or emotional it was for me. Though a lot of what I remember is just plain random and I'm not sure what the depth or meaning behind it is for stocking it in my hippocampus in the first place.

Yesterday was an important and beautiful feast day, the Assumption of Mary. I love this day, focusing on Mary's life, qualities and her role in the church. Last year on August 15th, my dear sister had recently gotten married to my sweet brother-in-law and were off on their honeymoon in Honduras. I was very happy for them, but also sad that they were away during this time but as always, my dear sister and I were frequently in touch. On August 15th 2016, was also the day I started this blog. I named it Plum Tree but as you probably already know, changed it recently. A year ago today, August 16th was the first time I felt and experienced strong anxiety. I had never known this bizarre and awful trapped mind feeling, reality and experience before ,yet had heard and seen it from others. It was all from a strange, mysteriously evil aura and lingering person at one of my favorite places to look around in, study at, read, write and receive inspiration from. I no longer could do these things freely or independently because of this person and unfortunate situation.

I should have known an encounter with this person wasn't at all for my own good, peace of mind or freedom. I suddenly felt stalked, enclosed in, misunderstood, and infatuated and obsessed with. Overall, as you can imagine, a very awful feeling. My anxiety throughout that whole week made me feel paranoid, like a prisoner in my own head, no appetite and feelings of depression. Unfortunately, my pride got the better of me and I didn't want to admit or even mention that I was anxious, I wanted to deal with it and solve it all on my own. Of course, it would have been beneficial for me to say something as being honest, and open to someone who can understand would be one of the best things. But no, I locked it inside of me which only really made it worse, like a boiling pot not handled with properly and the top cover not strong enough to keep the concoction in a safe place.

After a week of mental torture from this poison of anxiety, I knew that I had lost some weight, and for my body type, I can gain or loose weight fairly quickly. I also knew I had to do something about this thing that was taking over my freedom and inspiration. I tried to think of things that would inspire me such as going to a cute shop that I would always pass on my way home from school, as well as showing my sister around my nearby college campus. I tried to get out of myself, distract myself and try not to be idle or alone, Unfortunately also, I was alone a lot of that week and was only tutoring a few hours a week. I also felt like I couldn't go out of my house because of the paranoia and was essentially fearful. I'm not like this regularly, so I knew something was wrong.

What ultimately helped and cured this issue was to pray about it, talk openly about and not be in contact with this person or in the same vicinity. I knew that Mary was looking over me, but I needed to trust more in her rather than myself and my human limits. I now know how to better cure anxious moments and to never underestimate the power of others, their wisdom, love and support.

Finding My Own Space

I had no idea I would be in a job that I am in now. I never would have thought or imagined it because I simply thought I couldn't do it. I didn't have the energy, the confidence or perhaps even the interest in it. I put a limit to what I could do, and that was that- only searching for what I felt was reasonable, safe and good enough for me. The job that I have is working with children, in a classroom type setting and facilitating a classroom with academic packets. The thought of it sounded so scary and foreign to me, mainly because I never had experience like it before (being a teacher, and leading a whole classroom of grade school students.)

Right before I was to start this job (in early June), I was just about to have the onslaught of finals and graduate college. Not only was this a transition, but also getting back into working for a company which had been a while. For a year in a half I had freelance tutoring jobs which I really loved but I felt more like a starving artist and definitely needed more stimulation and activity in my schedule. I was excited to soon be graduating and finally be done with school and enter the work world and be able to make some money as well as experience. But I was scared and some what sad to end my routine of what I knew, of entering into a new space and leave my comfort zone behind. I had gotten into the rhythm of volunteering a couple times a week and filling up my time with things I loved and enjoyed- such as going to daily mass, watching cooking shows, studying Arabic, cooking, reading, running. Some days it didn't feel like I could get enough of it and at other times, I was so desperate to land a job and be busy and preoccupied with work, and service. I had mixed feelings about this job that I was about to enter into. I was joyfully leaving being a student and nervously and somewhat excitedly becoming a teacher figure. I had switched roles so fast and quickly, now I was on the other side of the classroom, and all of my days of being a student were behind me.

Tired teacher, and no more being a student!

I was happy and thankful to know that I could still volunteer on occasion, and still have a flexible schedule. I wasn't quite yet used to working part-time everyday, but overall it was good for me and much needed. I had to quickly get used to the non stop noise and loud volume in the halls as well as in my own classroom. I had to learn the names of all of my 28 students, and understand, handle and interact with 28 personalities. And I had to learn how to be more assertive, confront issues, reprimand, and even shout, get angry and discipline students. Fairly quickly, I learned about my students on a different level- their behavior, who they were friends with, their motivations and work ethic as well as their strengths and weaknesses.

What truly helped and inspired me was to start with a quote of the day. These quotes could usually be found in my dear and fully filled quote book. It would almost always be from a well known famous person, and we would dissect the quote, and I would ask my students what it means to them, and also learn something new about the author of the quote. It was nice because I could educate them about someone I knew a good amount about or cared about. This daily routine instilled in me that I have the power to inspire others, and teach them something new, even if it's just a simple quote. Most days my students were invested in it and they would be interested and intrigued by what I was saying or explaining. Some times my class clown would interject and make the whole class laugh. Then I knew it was time to change gears and start the academic time. I learned how to control this classroom, and I could tell they all liked me on some level and grew to respect me. I instigated table points and every two weeks the two winning tables would get prizes. Though it was a bit more work for me, with adding up points and being more aware of behavior and productivity, it created a space to be creative with how I went about it and to reward my students instead of focusing solely on negative behavior. I was surprised to witness that 5th graders still cared about table points and prizes- they mostly went for the candy!

There were some days where I would rapidly become mentally exhausted and drained. Hearing my students call my name so frequently and a few at the same time forced me to focus on the moment and take one situation at a time. To develop more patience and understanding and gain more mental stamina. To try to become more innovative and not let the environment take hold of me or negative energy poison the work day and think of the good and funny things that were amusing instead of the things that were ugly, annoying or monotonous. To try and smile more to my co-workers and students and know that I am a role model for them, even more so because they know that I am young. I learned that I can make a positive impact even if at times it doesn't feel like I'm making an ounce of it, but you never know who you are helping or influencing for the better.

I am grateful for this summer and this time of growth, learning and in all, new experiences!

A New Hello

I've wanted to write this for a while now, always in the back of my head and reflecting upon it. It's basically about the journey of undergrad- these past 3 years I've been at university and this summer that has brought me into a different place, a place that I've been waiting and longing for, for what had felt like months and months and more months.

I graduated from college in the middle of June with a leap in my steps, nothing but positivity in my mind and what felt like a running of emotions that wouldn't stop. I wore a dress that I didn't seem to have the guts to wear for a few months until I felt confident enough to bring it out and not care about what others think or my insecurities. You see, I hadn't really made any friends or lasting contacts at my university. I really felt that I became my own person, as well as my own best friend. I started to not care of judgement and literally did my own thing on that campus, whether that be study language in Starbucks, read an intriguing book that was much more interesting than my text, or try out a club just to try and connect and meet new people. I was alone for more than half of these 3 years and just because you are alone doesn't necessarily mean you are lonely, but for me, it definitely was lonesome. I was eager, desperate and always hoping to share a connection with someone, some way and possibly impossibly somehow.

My graduation day was an overly happy day. I couldn't believe the day that I would be done enduring the pain, loneliness and challenges would finally end, and another journey would finally begin. The months leading up to graduation day felt incredibly long, almost endless and it made me even more frustrated, disappointed and sad. I felt so ready to start becoming a young professional, and do what other young adults do after college- work, and try to figure things out along the way. I so wanted to start figuring out this 'post grad' world and or slump others had called it. I honestly didn't feel scared since most of my college experience was already hard all by itself, and I didn't really care what post grad would be like. I only knew that I was more than ready and ever more excited to finish college, finish papers that always seemed to hanging over my head like a big hammer, finish being around people who didn't really give me anything and who acted or were younger than me. To finally finish the commute to school which made me feel lonely and more isolated, with no one to share things with, music, ideas, inspiration or anything else that lifted my spirits and my creative juices. To finally finish my Chinese minor and all the busy work that progressed with each class, still had no connections there either, only my Chinese teacher- Lu Laoshi we would call her. She really liked me and believed in my strengths in the language yet she sometimes put a lot of pressure on me to keep exceeding and what felt like to me to show off her 'prize student'. To finish calling myself a student and feeling young, almost younger than myself would call myself. I wanted to fit into this category called young adult that also coexisted with young professional. And finish explaining my major or what I would do with it every time I introduced myself as a college student.

I had various emotions on graduation day. My family was there with me to support me on this journey and I couldn't have been more grateful that they came. I never felt that I had the connections, friends or community that I wanted while there, for whatever reason. But being with those special family members gave me a pulsating feeling in my being that my time here was finally finished, completed, over and feeling their love, support and presence was in itself my reward and all the things I deeply felt, experienced and endured at this campus would stay here and I would start another journey somewhere else.