Rebuking Discouragement

 I was sitting in the pew during Mass. I felt not necessarily distracted but like a big weight was on me- a weight of a dark cloud and that experience of having no facial expression, but just being, processing, mentally tired, and yes, a dark cloud looming. I couldn't tell if I felt upset, hurt, maybe just confused on how I was feeling. Part of it was stemming from not having enough space to carve out and cultivate creativity in my days. Another passed week of feeling like a rat race. 

But once I heard the priest's homily, I was all ears. It calmed me down, but also put my focus in a different place. I felt like I was being spiritually enriched and enlightened. He really is a good speaker and knows how to claim a point and reiterate it. He was speaking about making a way, recentering our ways, our life as there is something deeper there. This life is not the end, there is another life- eternity ahead. 

He intertwined it with the Gospel of the Samaritan woman at the well and Jesus speaking to her about living water. Jesus recentered her life, her priorities. I really liked what he said how it interplays in our own lives. How on a rainy, cold day we wake up right away when our alarm wakes us up, instead of sleeping in and falling into laziness. There is something deeper there and we are forgoing the easy path. This is what it means to be holy, to strive deeper for holiness, even in little ways. What great reminders! 

The 'darkness' didn't subside until later. Going to an inspiring library helped quite a bit with inspiration and just slowing down my mind. When the priest was speaking, the book that came to me was 'The Genesee Diary' since it has to do with a priest living in monk quarters at a monastery and how he is trying to progress in the spiritual life. 

The priest stated it in his homily that being a monk or a religious used to be seen as the way to holiness. But that's not true- we don't have to close out the world completely to enter and grow in holiness. Now I want to read that book again. 

I think all those thoughts were thoughts of discouragement and lies. They were coming from a place that felt like a heavy place where it was hard to get out of or even think practically and rationally. They also felt rather negative, also another sign of discouragement. I find for me; this can happen soon after going to confession- something else the devil hates.

Waking up this morning, I did not feel this way at all. My thoughts were clear, more positive and like yesterday's heavy cloud never happened. Trying to enter into gratitude, appreciation and beauty for the things around me. The priest this morning talked about miracles, and even waking up and smiling and walking are miracles in themselves. 

Yellow flowers I saw the other day on my walk:)