Я учитель!- I am a Teacher

 In the beginning, I would think to myself, I am a teacher...but in Russian, for general use Я учитель or for female Я учительница. As I would unlock my classroom door in the mornings, I would look at my name listed outside- and see 'Teacher' right below it. I was still soaking it all in. 

I would think this to myself since I had to believe it and recall it. There is just something so special, distinctive, meaningful, so purposeful when you feel called to something, and are surer about it, trusting those steps, and that God is providing and with you every step of the way. It can be hard to fully express in words. And I think because it had taken so long for me. There were so many crooked lines to get here, that's why I would intentionally hold on tight to this milestone step that I'm here, especially after all the sinking doubts and hesitations. I now know that all that was behind me had a purpose to lead to where I am. 

So many people had told me I should be a teacher or that I would be a good teacher over time. Clearly, I never really listened to them. I had my mind and plans on another pathway plus was too scared to try. 

I distinctly remember going to the dentist in late February, and after paying for my appointment, something about coverage and insurance came up. I wasn't a teacher since she mentioned coverage for being a teacher, but said I was an assistant, (and luckily still had insurance coverage) and she waved her hand like it was nothing, and stated in a friendly matter of fact way, 'You're a teacher.' That struck me since it felt like a premonition.

Also, a boy student from Mrs. Deb's Math class that I was helping in last school year gave me a Christmas card and gift card to Peets. In his note, he said I was his favorite teacher and helped him work hard and do his best. Again, I wasn't a teacher, but it struck me, and also that I made a difference in a student's life. 

Teaching Ponderings

 I was looking through my journal last night prior to writing in it. I have a few different journals, but this one is my 'prayer' journal that I write in from time to time. There were things on my mind and heart I wanted to process through writing and praying, and the extent of the busyness and to dos of the week got to me, only did I realize towards the end of the week how things had caught up to me and added up.

 I can see more and more the intentionality behind Advent as a purposeful time to slow down but also to carve out space and quiet, to ponder and prepare for Christ's birth. The journal entry I wrote was one year ago, the last days of Advent. And it so happened to be the last day of school before break. I remember that was an interesting day- it was loud, chaotic, a half day but also just felt ready to close the semester out. I felt an uncertainty of what would come next but also a questioning of purpose and direction. I was thinking about teaching but wasn't quite there yet in terms of confidence and certainty. I felt there were waves in the water, and the waves gave way to motion, unknown, and slippering doubt just like St. Peter walking on water. 

It started with a conversation with my sister. There we were near her Christmas tree after her kids were settling down into bedtime. Teaching came up and knowing her background and story with it was interesting to hear her thoughts, opinions and real honesty and her struggles with it too. Somehow, I wasn't so certain if I would feel the same way or have the same experience.

Of course, I never really taught before- only managed a classroom for an after-school summer program after college for 3 months and that was one reason why I felt it wasn't a good fit for me. That had been 6 in a half years prior. And then also being in a classroom for the past 5 years, but more observing and in the background. 

While my sister and I were taking on her couch that cozy evening, I felt that the Holy Spirit gave me a nudge or something that was noticeable enough in my heart that maybe it wasn't a full no for teaching, but something that I would just have to be more open to. Yes, everyone has their own experience and journey, but I had to also know what mine would be like, since it may very well be different than my sister or other siblings. The thought could definitely terrify me, but staying far away from it didn't help me get any closer to knowing my answer. 

In my journal that night I wrote, "....Thinking a lot about my job and what's next- credential and teaching feels like a big question and Elisabeth is right, it's not the best fit for us as we're highly sensitive introverts, and its just so much work. I don't really know my calling, my vocational career. But I trust that you (Jesus) have a plan for me." 

Now looking back now this a year later, after finishing my first semester teaching and taking over for a teacher while on maternity leave really showed me God's provision and plan. To just taking one step at a time was all that was necessary in the waiting, in the unknown and dark and in the desires unfold and direction to become clearer. 

I am so grateful for this journey and be guided and listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. 

Saint and Word of the Year

 When I saw yesterday that today was December 7th, I instantly thought of the word, 'Fortitude', and also St. Ambrose, as it's his feast day today. He's my patron saint for this year, and my word for this year is fortitude. How often this word has crept up and shown itself throughout this year.

I'm thinking of a time during the early summer months when I went to confession and during some prayer time after I stumbled upon and read a reflection about St. Ambrose and it highlighted fortitude! I thought it was a unique and special intertwining, and especially one that I recall I needed that day. 

I wonder what word and saint will 'choose me' for this upcoming year?

New Things

 This week has been a transition. One of letting go, navigating emotions and change and also deep cleaning! The original teacher came back to her classroom as I am slowly making my way out after long term subbing for her since August. I don't think I've ever felt fully inspired in there, mostly because it was always getting disorganized, things disheveled, too much paper, scraps and messes to handle on top of my brain navigating, learning, and literally surviving day in and day out. Pure survival mode is what I would call it. 

I couldn't see a vision for how the classroom was supposed to look. It definitely resembled me and my messy side, my messy and artistic brain that isn't at all precise, neat or visionary. It somewhat worked for me though and made it through- though like I wrote, I didn't feel too inspired. I think I felt more inspired and encouraged teaching and leading a class most days than how the classroom looked itself.

So that's when the teacher was organizing, revamping, redecorating I saw things come together. It didn't look so much like a classroom to me, perhaps a homey and calm classroom feel (prior it didn't have a calming look or feel), but rather like a home- a Pinterest styled, nice decor homey, warm feel. I could finally breath again and come up from water. These were the touches I feel I was missing all these months of just survival mode and getting through the thick and thin and somedays figuring it out spot on. 

I will say it took some detachment and letting go on my end. Thoughts and conversations in my head, 'I'm sorry I messed it up. I know it looks really messy and cluttered. I ruined everything, I failed. I didn't do a good job maintaining a classroom. I wasn't efficient or a good teacher.'

All these negative feelings arising in my bones as she went through things, cleaned, tidied, threw things away with not thought. I on the other hand, can have a hard time letting things go, questioning should I keep something or better yet, forgetting it was even there in the first place and going on with life because I'm so used to it. 

I've realized my tolerance level is high, and though I've come to terms with this before in other scenarios, it isn't quite the same when you are in charge of a class. I felt conflicted like I couldn't put into words my emotions, feelings and just processing everything when it came to the evening time. I just needed to sit with them and enter into them though it was a bit uncomfortable. 

This week also felt like a lot on top of some of these transitions with feeling tired and having headaches a few times. Busy evening schedules going out and not a lot of down time. Once I received that text from a coworker, my emotions began to make more sense, and it all came together like a painting. I started to cry and wrap my head around things. Her text was exactly what I needed and was feeling, since it was difficult to put into words. Prayer, surrender, trust, processing started there and accepting some tired and puffy eyes the next morning. 

I've recently started to see how these events are very applicable and related to the season of Advent. Preparing, making space, letting go and detachments, accepting and being open to God's will and plan. I know God is using them for me to surrender, be open, letting go and to see his goodness and provision where there are transitions and change. 

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

St. Clare Mission

There's something beautiful, awe inspiring, breathtaking to visit a mission church. I had particularly wanted to visit this mission, St. Clare of Assisi for a few years, but somehow getting sick, rainy winter weather deterred the plan during one of my breaks and I forgot about it. However, it was still something I wanted to do and see at some point. My parents and I made the trip an excursion of historical sites as well as my dad grew up close to that area. It was special to visit my dad's parents grave site, and for the month of November. 

Going to St. Clare's Mission church was very nice. It is nicely kept up and renovated, elegant and with beautiful scenery- a water fountain, rose garden and on the heart of the Santa Clara University campus. What a joy and gift to have a mission and Jesus present right in the center of the campus.

Visting this beautiful mission and lush campus with nicely kept lawns, roses and flowers, and refreshing greenery made me want to learn more about St. Clare of Assisi. I remember reading a book about her a couple of years ago and want to find and read it again. It said in a pamphlet that it's the first Mission church named after a woman saint. 

It's always so interesting seeing inside a Mission and the intricacies, images, paintings, statues and also comparing it to other missions.  Immediately, I noticed it was a much bigger and longer church than other ones I've seen. I really liked the prayerful and sorrowful statue image of Jesus crucified, it looked more realistic and so much to ponder on and pray with. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. 'You did that for me, how can I not suffer for you- knowing you are with me, in this torturing and painful depiction on the cross.'

Relic of St. Bernadette

 I recently was thinking of St. Bernadette. I found a book to read about her that is even an easy read for older children. I found a prayer card dedicated to Our Lady of Lourdes in the church and started praying it for intentions.

 As I was reading through and looking through my quote and spiritual binder, I felt encouraged and inspired. I looked through the folder part with some loose paper and found a talk I wrote for high school confirmation students about fortitude and included St. Bernadette in my talk and found more information about her that the confirmation director gave to help with the talk. Fortitude happens to be my word for the year. 

I had realized that today I had planned to visit the relic of St. Bernadette. And I came to found that I had a devotion to her, though only knowing bits and pieces of her and her life. I really like Our Lady of Lourdes and often stop to pray and contemplate if I see a statue of her. I did the consecration to our Lady- 33 days to Morning Glory on Our Lady of Lourdes feast day, February 11th. 

It's interesting seeing a relic (I think 1st class), as there's not a lot of time, but also sometimes pressure or not sure what to pray, how to adore this sacred object. I remember kneeling before a first-class relic of St. Carlo Acutis with high school confirmation students 2 years ago, and it was so moving and powerful. 

With St. Bernadette's, I had a simple prayer in my mind and heart and touched my rosary bracelet from my dear sister that I wear everyday to the relic. I thought of St. Bernadette's simple demeanor and childlike optimism, strength, virtue and trust. 

According to the pamphlet I have, she only lived until she was 35.

Like I wrote, I love Our Lady of Lourdes and want to have a devotion to St. Bernadette as well. I think this is just the start. 

Taking a Coffee Break

 Entering into that cafe again filled my mind with memories like butterflies taking up the sky with their colorful flutters. That time of being stressed, overwhelmed, uncertain and anxious reentered that space for a bit. Spring rain, and cloudy weather interspersed with sunshine, blooms and later sunsets was once that time period, just roughly and a year in a half ago. 

When I would take a coffee break halfway through my work or going there for a bit before my work had helped since it was anxiety inducing, soul sucking and a small workplace. Those days, I felt like I was just getting by and surviving amidst the anxiety from a coworker, and stress and uncertainty and overwhelm with my master's program. 

That little cafe- with its coffee, treats (Croissants and Cheese Danish being my favorite) and ambiance was a nice break away from the storm. One time I went there before work, and instead of doing my assignments and writing, I desperately wanted to study language and do my own endeavors that felt more mentally relaxing and freeing. That time was a mental hurdle, to keep going, striving, and persevering.

Visiting there with my sister and nephew recently was special. It brought back that hard time, but also all the blessings- of having my sister as my dear friend and her support, all the graces and blessings I've received, and all the way God has helped me and has continued to unfold since then. This journey I've been on has had meaning and purpose. It makes more sense now, to be where I am now, as a teacher, working with students and really listening to the God given desire and gift I had once put off to the side. 

Freeing

 I've never felt freer that day. Though I was rushing and only realized until I was driving on the freeway that I didn't have my phone, I knew I would survive, but admittedly it felt odd to not look for something in my purse and check the time every so often or for updates. However, as the day progressed, I never felt freer. I didn't have to think about or focus so much on a screen, an extra distraction and reminder taking away oftentimes of living in the present, and of staying attentive to all the beautiful and good around me. 

It was a freedom I've never actually experienced, since I've never forgotten my phone before. Quite honestly, it's a freedom I haven't recalled since perhaps not having a phone or at least a smart phone 10 or more years ago. I thought perhaps I would have many things that I would need to check or missed once I got home, but rather the contrary and that made me think even more so about always having a phone tied to you.

Yesterday, I chose to turn off my phone which lasted for most of the day. I knew this would help me immensely with focusing on the things I need to get done and it did help me a lot on staying productive. It also quickly made me forget about it and just focus on the present.

While driving in the car, my phone was still turned off, and I didn't turn on the radio. Though it was tempting at times, it helped me to stay focused on the present moment, the beautiful Fall lighting, memories, thoughts and the golden leaves on the trees. 

What Happened on St. Pope John Paul II's Feast Day

 It was October 22. I knew what happened on this day last year. And I knew I had to talk to my class about the saint who's feast day it was, St. Pope John Paul II! 

Last year, I was in a hard place at a difficult school and environment. To help me create a little spiritual inspiration, I thought of a saint for each class period to help me pray to that saint and create more inspiration and prayer. For the first period class I was in, I chose St. Pope John Paul II to think of and intercede for me. Somehow, during the morning time while walking across campus, it always felt dull, dreary and uninspiring. I was mentally in a hard place transitioning to the school, and it didn't ever seem to get much better or easier. 

This feeling in the morning made me think of St. John Paul II working in unpleasant conditions during Nazi and Communist regime, him waking up in the early morning hours, the stillness, the prayerfulness, the suffering and sacrifice, and his small, loving family dwindling with sickness and death until it was only him. This sorrow in his early life, discernment, and deep prayer and spiritual life made it a little richer and easier for me. It created a sense of hope and purpose. 

One day, as I was walking across campus at the end of the day, I already was experiencing loneliness, with not a lot of people to connect with and talk to on a deeper level, yet desiring this, and noticing this ache, this gap. The person who I passed by at that moment was an employee I had seen before once or twice from a far. I wasn't sure if she was a teacher, but in my heart, I heard God say something like, I would become friends with her.

Just a few short weeks later, I heard that the teacher who taught in the first period class would be leaving for bereavement leave. She would be having a long-term sub for the rest of the school year, and the students would be meeting her tomorrow to get acquainted. 

The next day was October 22nd- the feast of St. Pope John Paul II and the long-term sub was the young woman I passed by that one day a few weeks ago. Her experience becoming a long-term sub teacher inspired me and gave me a sense of courage, realization and desire that maybe I could teach too. 

This year, for St. John Paul II's feast day, I told my students some stories and information about him for a few minutes. I even asked some questions to see what they may know. They were intrigued listening, right up until lunch time. I know he's been with me and interceded for me. He has done so much for the Catholic Church, our faith, and spiritual lives. I'm sure it won't be the last time I talk about him. 

Going Back to that Library

 It was my first time going back to that library after 2 years. I avoided it. I didn't want to relive unpleasant and difficult memories. When I was working as an intern there, I would deeply miss and crave helping students and working at a school. My heart longed for that once again. But no, I was here, stuck here- counting the weeks and hours like no tomorrow. Time would pass slowly, increasingly so. I would try to survive with prayers, offering up intentions, and forming my own inspiration for goals, ideas and books to read. 

While shelving children's books, I once saw a tutoring session happen in the quiet of the early Fall evening.  I was across the way, buried and burdened with putting away usually thin and one too many children's tales, adventures, animal stories, family and culture and all the rest of the categories I have long forgotten. I wish I could tutor again I thought in my head, hearing the session from across the way. 

So, last week was my first time coming back to that place- filled with memories of shelving books, not fully knowing what I was doing- but trying to look like I did, creating book display posters and doing the not so fun, meticulous task of finding the books in a squeaky, awkward cart. 

What's interesting is that I barely remember any of those memories now. They're not fresh and detailed in my brain like they used to or seem to matter as much as they did. They're locked up somewhere, with the key thrown away. Barely visible, barely important now, yet increasingly relevant and important to my story and what God has written. 

Last week I tutored there, and it felt so natural. I knew I was in the right place, doing what I've done for a while and what brings me life. Instead of shelving, organizing and displaying books with what sometimes felt like many eyes watching in the quiet sphere of the small library, I was reading words, reading books and stories with a girl whom I was tutoring. It all felt right. 

Rain and Picture Day

 It was a rainy day, but I liked it. It was a nice change from the heat, and it was really beginning to feel like Fall. The rain felt like God's grace pouring down as I needed it desperately. The day before was a mess and chaotic. I felt like I was hanging on by a thin thread, feeling discouraged, weighed down and stressed. I cried that night and didn't want to do anything but zone out and rest. I felt trapped in my own head of the intensity of a situation and demands.

That next morning, I felt totally different. I didn't even fully remember the day before. And it was school picture day. As I later saw my picture, I could tell maybe there was some sadness from the day before in my eyes. I also realized I looked a little older, comparing my other school photos. 

But with looking a little more mature comes only good things like growth, experience, wisdom that only God and life can bestow. I scrunched my hair as I took a shower that morning to start the day out fresh, and with long, wet hair, I'm not sure what to do with, especially on school picture day. Freshness, God's graces, a better attitude, and Fall rain were the components of that day.