He Writes My Story

 I'm in the middle of working on my research paper, and somehow thoughts come to me that distract me in some ways but make me reflect in others. Right when I was delving into an article to gain further research information more and taking notes on, my mind traced back to last Saturday. 

Last Saturday, my two other dear sisters and I had a sister meet up where my dear sister has newly moved to. It was so nice to be together again, and catch up in person but also to be in another area. It was a beautifully, warm day and we had lunch at a quant restaurant, took a walk near the water and laughed and talked as close sisters do. But something was happening in my heart, a feeling of perhaps not being fully caught up with processing the week, of fully not being slowed down to enjoy the present, or not having the full attention of the moment to appreciate and rejoice in others' lives who felt like were 'moving on', 'going ahead' and me feeling the same as I've been with not a lot of change. This feeling of comparison and looking too much to the right, too long at the left and leads to these feelings of being sad, bitter, lonely, uncertain, but they don't lead to good.

It was a week that to be honest felt unbalanced with more social media time than real attentiveness to my inner self and prayer. More noise in my head and heart than room for silence and quiet. More to do lists and stresses that began to cloud my vision and aggravate me instead of giving it all to the hands of God. And allowing petty moods, feelings and situations to dictate and control the rest of my day. I guess a lot of it has to do with being human and how fickle we can be at times, but also how much control we can have of our own attitudes, awareness, self reflection and choices we make throughout our days. All these things felt like they were still there, still lingering when I met up with my dear sisters, and unfortunately I wasn't at my best. I hadn't felt free from all these things, my mind and my heart were trying to catch up with it all. 

I'm reminded by the book I'm reading about Mother Teresa and her spiritual and inner darkness she went through and deeply felt and experienced for many years. Overtime she came to accept and embrace it as her cross,  as a sign of loving Jesus and consoling his heart in his bitter sufferings, as well as saving souls for Him. But you notice that she's always smiling whenever we see pictures of her, and I wonder how could she smile when all she felt was deep loneliness, darkness and feeling of emptiness and separation from God? She united her self so willingly, so lovingly to God's will, and letting Him do as He pleases. I continue to be amazed of her spiritual darkness, and her trust in Him blindly. 

It's something that I want to emulate, in my own crosses. It's easy to think, 'what's happening', 'why do I feel or experience this?' But instead of playing the victim, I think its important to trust, trust that God knows exactly why and that's all that really matters. If we love, we will trust. 

Even if last weekend was filled with inner sufferings, emotions, tears, and deep melancholy, I can trust that God has a plan and as my sisters have told me reassuringly, He is preparing me for that plan, for His time, for the future. Sometimes it could be unbearable, but then other times His consolation fills it all with deep peace, joy and inner contentment- like this past week. Some days and weeks bring their own thing, and it builds upon our story, our journey in faith. I'm grateful this week was a lighter week for me, its a lesson to learn from, and He continues to write my story.